I just want to make sure that if you are twiddling your thumbs saying, "Ho-hum, what shall I do tonight?" the answer is see Iron Man. I saw it last night and was very impressed.
It isn't about being a super hero and it isn't just about power and responsibility. It's about regrets, learning, greed, success, war, about who is really a 'good guy', and being an American at war and what that means.
It was fantastic. Well acted. Well written. Very funny.
Yes, I read comics. But this movie would have still been awesome, even if you think comic books are sophomoric, and super heroes are cheap. (Debbie Downer!)
I don't want to oversell it, but go and see it for yourself. (So that I can discuss it with someone.)
Friday, May 02, 2008
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Space-arangs!
1. Some random blog (can't remember which-sorry!) alerted me to this footage of boomerangs in space. So if you're a nerd, that's pretty neat.
2. I'm seeing Iron Man tonight, and I am getting pretty excited! I had to do my "I'm gonna see Iron Man tonight"-dance and my coworkers were amazed. Said one, "I have no idea what that is, but you're certainly excited."
Yes. Yes, I am. (You ignorant ass-muppet!) (Kidding!) (Not really!)
Ah the delightful culmination of all my dreams. Tee hee!
3. I think I have finally determined how to get Family Sunday Dinner excerpts to play on the blog. Now I just need to cut them to awesome nibblets.
4. My stuff is all very heavy and in the way of important things like the fridge and the bathroom. I am becoming eager to move my box city to a new location, such as not in my god damned way.
Here is the official list of why it will be awesome to move.
1. Parking for me.
2. Parking for other people.
3. Twelve minute round trip commute.
4. Possibility of biking to work.
5. Walking distance to stores at which I can afford to buy food.
6. Live-in spider-killer.
7. People will not steal my newspaper anymore.
8. No upstairs neighbor.
9. No crazy landlord... I hope. (Kidding!!)
10. Five minutes from Sunday Family Dinner.
11. New gold fish?
12. Can join a CSA.
13. Bigger kitchen.
14. Not living alone, a mile from Aurora, on the first floor, with no security system, or attack ninjas.
15. Closer to The Comic Stop.
16. Nice springy track at a nearby school.
17. Closer to dogsitting clients.
2. I'm seeing Iron Man tonight, and I am getting pretty excited! I had to do my "I'm gonna see Iron Man tonight"-dance and my coworkers were amazed. Said one, "I have no idea what that is, but you're certainly excited."
Yes. Yes, I am. (You ignorant ass-muppet!) (Kidding!) (Not really!)
Ah the delightful culmination of all my dreams. Tee hee!
3. I think I have finally determined how to get Family Sunday Dinner excerpts to play on the blog. Now I just need to cut them to awesome nibblets.
4. My stuff is all very heavy and in the way of important things like the fridge and the bathroom. I am becoming eager to move my box city to a new location, such as not in my god damned way.
Here is the official list of why it will be awesome to move.
1. Parking for me.
2. Parking for other people.
3. Twelve minute round trip commute.
4. Possibility of biking to work.
5. Walking distance to stores at which I can afford to buy food.
6. Live-in spider-killer.
7. People will not steal my newspaper anymore.
8. No upstairs neighbor.
9. No crazy landlord... I hope. (Kidding!!)
10. Five minutes from Sunday Family Dinner.
11. New gold fish?
12. Can join a CSA.
13. Bigger kitchen.
14. Not living alone, a mile from Aurora, on the first floor, with no security system, or attack ninjas.
15. Closer to The Comic Stop.
16. Nice springy track at a nearby school.
17. Closer to dogsitting clients.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Why I don't listen to NPR on my way to work every day.
This morning a man was talking about the rising cost of food in America. And something he said bothered me. He was talking about how food has risen drastically over the last 3 years. I do not challenge this assertion, I know it to be true.
Disclaimer: I know that people in America go hungry, that food stamps buy less and less, and that rising food costs lead to cuts in other areas, especially health care and education, for families near and below the poverty line. I want people to know that this concerns me, but I want to bring up the following point, which is:
Americans have gone from spending 22.7% of their income on food in 1929, to spending an approximate average of about 11.3% of their income in the early to mid 2000's. Yes, food prices are on the rise. We are spending in 2008 about the same percent of our income in food on average, as in the early 1990's. [Source: USDA Economic Resource Service.]
So, why is this making people freak out?
1. The "oil crisis". People are spending more on gas and it is upsetting.*
2. The "global grain shortage". By "global" the US means everyone else is low on grain. We're fine, but people don't know it.
3. General economic downturn. People know that the dollar is low and that we are headed towards troubled times and are panicking.
4. It's an election year. Uniting voters against Republicans by creating artificial crises is an excellent strategy. It worked very well for Bush when we invaded Iraq.
The average US citizen spent about 10-11% of our income on food in 2002. A U.K. citizen spent about 13%, contrasted with a Mexican citizen who spent about 27%. In 2002 the average spending on food in the Philippines was nearly %50 of one's income. [Source: USDA Economic Resource Service] My guess would be that everyone is now paying more, but that the difference between our expenditures has probably remained steady since then, though I do not have hard data to back this up.
I would conjecture that the reason that other countries spend more on food are:
1. America is massive and grows a lot of food.
2. More money is made by exporting food than keeping it in poor countries. Minority rich get richer and the majority poor stagnate.
3. Smaller nations and nations with different geological and meteorological circumstances probably cannot produce as much food.
4. The US government controls food prices through various means.
I think that the bottom line of global food is that, while technically every item is only worth what you or I will pay for it, every item has a certain cost associated with its production. We have been using artificial means to hold down prices. Instead of spending income on necessities we are able to spend income on crap that we don't need. It goes nicely with the enormous sense of entitlement. The concept of "affordable luxury", a car in every garage, and designer clothes for dogs probably stems from necessities being cheaper than they realistically should be.
I guess my point is that food and oil cost more everywhere else and at nearly every other time in the history of this country. If people in Spain and Norway can mostly afford food, so can we. We just can't afford that limited edition H2 and food and gas.
The real question is how are we going to make sure that everyone in the U.S. gets fed enough. If our poor can't feed themselves now, they will suffer. You and I will just buy bicycles or smaller cars, cheaper or fewer handbags, and do things our own damn selves. And unless you're buying domestically created cars or handbags (har har) only retailers (most of which are owned by the wealthy minority) will suffer. (And I couldn't care less.)
Final verdict:
Quit your bitching. Almost all of us could and should pay realistic prices for our commodities. But what will/should we do for those who can't?
*Aside: I am irritated with Clinton's idea to temporarily abstain from taxing gasoline. A better way to alleviate the gas crisis would probably be to take that gas tax money and spend it on public transportation infrastructure for major US cities. When gas hits $8 a gallon this girl will have been riding her bike to work for months. Making gas 18.4 cents cheaper per gallon is not even a band aid, it's like sticking your finger in a ten foot wide crack in Hoover Dam.
Disclaimer: I know that people in America go hungry, that food stamps buy less and less, and that rising food costs lead to cuts in other areas, especially health care and education, for families near and below the poverty line. I want people to know that this concerns me, but I want to bring up the following point, which is:
Americans have gone from spending 22.7% of their income on food in 1929, to spending an approximate average of about 11.3% of their income in the early to mid 2000's. Yes, food prices are on the rise. We are spending in 2008 about the same percent of our income in food on average, as in the early 1990's. [Source: USDA Economic Resource Service.]
So, why is this making people freak out?
1. The "oil crisis". People are spending more on gas and it is upsetting.*
2. The "global grain shortage". By "global" the US means everyone else is low on grain. We're fine, but people don't know it.
3. General economic downturn. People know that the dollar is low and that we are headed towards troubled times and are panicking.
4. It's an election year. Uniting voters against Republicans by creating artificial crises is an excellent strategy. It worked very well for Bush when we invaded Iraq.
The average US citizen spent about 10-11% of our income on food in 2002. A U.K. citizen spent about 13%, contrasted with a Mexican citizen who spent about 27%. In 2002 the average spending on food in the Philippines was nearly %50 of one's income. [Source: USDA Economic Resource Service] My guess would be that everyone is now paying more, but that the difference between our expenditures has probably remained steady since then, though I do not have hard data to back this up.
I would conjecture that the reason that other countries spend more on food are:
1. America is massive and grows a lot of food.
2. More money is made by exporting food than keeping it in poor countries. Minority rich get richer and the majority poor stagnate.
3. Smaller nations and nations with different geological and meteorological circumstances probably cannot produce as much food.
4. The US government controls food prices through various means.
I think that the bottom line of global food is that, while technically every item is only worth what you or I will pay for it, every item has a certain cost associated with its production. We have been using artificial means to hold down prices. Instead of spending income on necessities we are able to spend income on crap that we don't need. It goes nicely with the enormous sense of entitlement. The concept of "affordable luxury", a car in every garage, and designer clothes for dogs probably stems from necessities being cheaper than they realistically should be.
I guess my point is that food and oil cost more everywhere else and at nearly every other time in the history of this country. If people in Spain and Norway can mostly afford food, so can we. We just can't afford that limited edition H2 and food and gas.
The real question is how are we going to make sure that everyone in the U.S. gets fed enough. If our poor can't feed themselves now, they will suffer. You and I will just buy bicycles or smaller cars, cheaper or fewer handbags, and do things our own damn selves. And unless you're buying domestically created cars or handbags (har har) only retailers (most of which are owned by the wealthy minority) will suffer. (And I couldn't care less.)
Final verdict:
Quit your bitching. Almost all of us could and should pay realistic prices for our commodities. But what will/should we do for those who can't?
*Aside: I am irritated with Clinton's idea to temporarily abstain from taxing gasoline. A better way to alleviate the gas crisis would probably be to take that gas tax money and spend it on public transportation infrastructure for major US cities. When gas hits $8 a gallon this girl will have been riding her bike to work for months. Making gas 18.4 cents cheaper per gallon is not even a band aid, it's like sticking your finger in a ten foot wide crack in Hoover Dam.
People, let me tell you 'bout my best friend.
Some time ago, as reported previously, my Grammy gave me some Proactive. One of the many joys of being a multi-ethnic person is my very oily skin (thanks, Dad) coupled with my ridiculously sensitive skin (thanks, Mom). I have alway had really crap skin. Luckily the brownish undertones of my (appallingly) pale skin have prevented this to be blatantly obvious to everyone in the universe (merely to every woman and 70% of the men).
I had previously been using Cetaphil to wash my face and Aveeno Clear Complexion Moisturizer to wash my face and there had been some improvement. Before that I have tried a number of things that I am too ashamed/lazy to relate.
Things seemed to be going pretty well with the Proactive, until last week. Last week a painful and massive (see also: hideous) zit appeared on my lower chin. It isn't super visible, but it hurts like the dickens.
You must understand that acne, for me, has never been painful (aside from mental anguish) until Jose.
Yes, I named him Jose. Jose has accompanied me everywhere for over a week alternately growing and shrinking and hurting and receding, like a respirating puppy. The day before yesterday I noticed, to my dismay, that Jose had decided to invite a few buddies over for drinks. I was now rocking three massive zits on my chin, line dancing along in PaPa Bear, MaMa Bear, and morbidly obese/exercise induced asthma suffering Baby Bear sizes.
So as an experiment, I shifted back to the Cetaphil and Aveeno combo yesterday, and this morning Jose is all alone and a wee bit diminished in size.
I have no idea why Proactive eliminated the majority of my tiny frustrating zits and yet grew a small farm of hideous, painful, zits ala alien babies springing forth from my body/toothy alien-baby incubator.
Now I am back to not knowing what to do with my face AND facing the fact that I am the sort of person who names zits and blogs about them.
I had previously been using Cetaphil to wash my face and Aveeno Clear Complexion Moisturizer to wash my face and there had been some improvement. Before that I have tried a number of things that I am too ashamed/lazy to relate.
Things seemed to be going pretty well with the Proactive, until last week. Last week a painful and massive (see also: hideous) zit appeared on my lower chin. It isn't super visible, but it hurts like the dickens.
You must understand that acne, for me, has never been painful (aside from mental anguish) until Jose.
Yes, I named him Jose. Jose has accompanied me everywhere for over a week alternately growing and shrinking and hurting and receding, like a respirating puppy. The day before yesterday I noticed, to my dismay, that Jose had decided to invite a few buddies over for drinks. I was now rocking three massive zits on my chin, line dancing along in PaPa Bear, MaMa Bear, and morbidly obese/exercise induced asthma suffering Baby Bear sizes.
So as an experiment, I shifted back to the Cetaphil and Aveeno combo yesterday, and this morning Jose is all alone and a wee bit diminished in size.
I have no idea why Proactive eliminated the majority of my tiny frustrating zits and yet grew a small farm of hideous, painful, zits ala alien babies springing forth from my body/toothy alien-baby incubator.
Now I am back to not knowing what to do with my face AND facing the fact that I am the sort of person who names zits and blogs about them.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
More with the random.
1. Pony Play?
Someone googled "my little pony orale [sic] sex" and arrived here. Seriously, someone explain this to me. I am confounded.
2. What is that? It is my enormous ass, constructed with cookies and delicious cinnamon toast.
I don't snack. I eat a meal, I eat dessert, I will go for a snack with other people; but I have never been the kind of person who just gets up and has snacks while watching TV etc. I just don't. Until recently. Before I stupidly wounded my foot and didn't really take care of it, I would run when stressed. My junior year of college I probably put in 10 miles a day.
Now I can't run, and it seems that I have replaced unhealthful exercise binges with constant grazing.
Here I am eating toast and packing a box, nomm nomm nomm, and having a mini kit-kat while watching Bones, nomm nomm nomm, and how about a Japanese cookie, nomm nomm nomm.
I am going to be ENORMOUS if this does not stop soon.
3. Brief interlude.
Can we go back to the pony thing, actually. I mean how does that even work? Also it's a cartoon pony. Make this make sense.
4. Someone here is a quitter and her names starts with a 'q' and rhymes with 'pee on a'.
I am seriously considering quitting 101 Things in 1001 Days. Why? Because I don't really want to do all those things. And why should I stress myself out trying to take salsa lessons when I would be much more happy to watch a movie or go clubbing with friends, than to salsa dance. The whole thing is silly- unless you are a couch potato, and to be frank, I am too damn busy to flesh out my schedule with visits to places I would already go to if I was really interested. Also I'm a total curmudgeon.
Someone googled "my little pony orale [sic] sex" and arrived here. Seriously, someone explain this to me. I am confounded.
2. What is that? It is my enormous ass, constructed with cookies and delicious cinnamon toast.
I don't snack. I eat a meal, I eat dessert, I will go for a snack with other people; but I have never been the kind of person who just gets up and has snacks while watching TV etc. I just don't. Until recently. Before I stupidly wounded my foot and didn't really take care of it, I would run when stressed. My junior year of college I probably put in 10 miles a day.
Now I can't run, and it seems that I have replaced unhealthful exercise binges with constant grazing.
Here I am eating toast and packing a box, nomm nomm nomm, and having a mini kit-kat while watching Bones, nomm nomm nomm, and how about a Japanese cookie, nomm nomm nomm.
I am going to be ENORMOUS if this does not stop soon.
3. Brief interlude.
Can we go back to the pony thing, actually. I mean how does that even work? Also it's a cartoon pony. Make this make sense.
4. Someone here is a quitter and her names starts with a 'q' and rhymes with 'pee on a'.
I am seriously considering quitting 101 Things in 1001 Days. Why? Because I don't really want to do all those things. And why should I stress myself out trying to take salsa lessons when I would be much more happy to watch a movie or go clubbing with friends, than to salsa dance. The whole thing is silly- unless you are a couch potato, and to be frank, I am too damn busy to flesh out my schedule with visits to places I would already go to if I was really interested. Also I'm a total curmudgeon.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Quiana Simplification Plan; for more awesome living
Take all that crap I was gonna place in boxes and move from old apartment to new and instead follow this simple two step plan:
1. Carry crap to street.
2. Light it on fire.
The end.
Actually, I am putting forth a real effort to lessen the amount of crap that I own. I'm finding it really hard to part with two things:
1. Really cute, in-style, and expensive clothes that don't really fit me anymore, but may someday, in QuianaLand, where ice cream makes you skinny.
2. Comics that I will absolutely never again read and that will never be worth any money (and maybe was not so crazy about at the time).
Those helping me move should be able to help me determine how successful I was based upon the number and weight of the boxes.
1. Carry crap to street.
2. Light it on fire.
The end.
Actually, I am putting forth a real effort to lessen the amount of crap that I own. I'm finding it really hard to part with two things:
1. Really cute, in-style, and expensive clothes that don't really fit me anymore, but may someday, in QuianaLand, where ice cream makes you skinny.
2. Comics that I will absolutely never again read and that will never be worth any money (and maybe was not so crazy about at the time).
Those helping me move should be able to help me determine how successful I was based upon the number and weight of the boxes.
At Random
I don't think I say so enough, but I live a good life.
I'm properly housed, fed, and entertained. I am neither spoiled by more money than I can use responsibly, nor starved by so little I can't live. I live in a beautiful city full of things to do and people to see. I am blessed with predominantly excellent health and the technology and finances to get top rate medical care at any time. My pantry is full, and when I turn the tap I can have as much safe water as I could possibly want. My closet is full with more clothes than I can wear in a month, my shelves filled with years of books, comics, and films. I can call anyplace in the world with a phone in my pocket and drive to South America in my big blue car. My work helps the world to become a better place. I can vote, worship, speak, and work as I choose. I have a wonderful family to support and love me. I have a multitude of friends to make me laugh and challenge me.
Things are hard right now, and getting harder. I should be grateful for the charmed life I lead, and aware that I am in the minority.
I am American in every sense. My family hails from all over the world. They came to America to provide me with the ridiculous largess with which I live. My closet is bloated with shoes, my walls slathered in art, and my ears ringing with millions of different songs. I have too much. I eat too much. I spend too much.
I sleep deeply and soundly knowing I am safe, clean, and fed. Tomorrow I will eat three square meals of food enough for at least two people, work eight solid hours for fair pay, drink imported vodka at pub quiz, drive a car that seats six, and read a book in my bed big enough for three.
I have nothing to be sad about.
I'm properly housed, fed, and entertained. I am neither spoiled by more money than I can use responsibly, nor starved by so little I can't live. I live in a beautiful city full of things to do and people to see. I am blessed with predominantly excellent health and the technology and finances to get top rate medical care at any time. My pantry is full, and when I turn the tap I can have as much safe water as I could possibly want. My closet is full with more clothes than I can wear in a month, my shelves filled with years of books, comics, and films. I can call anyplace in the world with a phone in my pocket and drive to South America in my big blue car. My work helps the world to become a better place. I can vote, worship, speak, and work as I choose. I have a wonderful family to support and love me. I have a multitude of friends to make me laugh and challenge me.
Things are hard right now, and getting harder. I should be grateful for the charmed life I lead, and aware that I am in the minority.
I am American in every sense. My family hails from all over the world. They came to America to provide me with the ridiculous largess with which I live. My closet is bloated with shoes, my walls slathered in art, and my ears ringing with millions of different songs. I have too much. I eat too much. I spend too much.
I sleep deeply and soundly knowing I am safe, clean, and fed. Tomorrow I will eat three square meals of food enough for at least two people, work eight solid hours for fair pay, drink imported vodka at pub quiz, drive a car that seats six, and read a book in my bed big enough for three.
I have nothing to be sad about.
Friday, April 25, 2008
cheap cheap
A while ago I was at Walgreens and I was feeling poor. I probably wasn't even remotely broke, but I felt broke. So instead of sensibly purchasing my regular Biolage, Pantene, or Herbal Essence shampoo, I bought an off-brand Biolage knock-off.
And it was fine.
Later I figured that since my hair was fine after the shampoo, why waste 3 bucks on fancy conditioner. My hair was tangly for the first few days, but calmed down.
Some time later I forgot to pack conditioner while dog sitting and I ran out to buy conditioner and was pleased to find Pantene on sale.
Yesterday I conditioned my hair with the Pantene, combed it out and left it wet. No styling, no product, no blow dryer.
All day people kept asking if I had gotten a haircut and complimenting me. (Even Steve noticed.)
I can't believe I am so cheap that I saved $3, but apparently looked like a troll doll for a month, and yet spent $3 on Yoshi's Cookie for my NES at the thrift shop yesterday.
It is all about priorities.
And it was fine.
Later I figured that since my hair was fine after the shampoo, why waste 3 bucks on fancy conditioner. My hair was tangly for the first few days, but calmed down.
Some time later I forgot to pack conditioner while dog sitting and I ran out to buy conditioner and was pleased to find Pantene on sale.
Yesterday I conditioned my hair with the Pantene, combed it out and left it wet. No styling, no product, no blow dryer.
All day people kept asking if I had gotten a haircut and complimenting me. (Even Steve noticed.)
I can't believe I am so cheap that I saved $3, but apparently looked like a troll doll for a month, and yet spent $3 on Yoshi's Cookie for my NES at the thrift shop yesterday.
It is all about priorities.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Welly well well
Sometimes I am not sure about what should be written in a blog. I should probably put some effort into writing a blog with a topic and have some direction or at least feature honest vignettes of my actual life told in an artful and insightful manner. But I am not going to. If I had to do what better bloggers manage to do on a daily basis, I would keel over and die.
So what I will do is ask you about purses. There is yet another purse I want. It is a Disneyland exclusive called MickeyDoki.
There are a few designs, but I am most attracted to either the hobo (day-to-day use) or the messenger (briefcase-esque use):
So here is the question:
Is it weird to buy a medium range handbag with anime-ized Disney characters on it? What if you either have to order it from Disneyland DelivEars over the phone or off of E-Bay.
More stuff I want to buy and don't need:
Yoda Mouse and other extraordinary mice (that I could have made myself if I had bothered thinking of it and then gone thru the effort of making it.
Growing up super-poor has some very strange effects on spending desires.
Things I need for my new place:
Small sewing table with drop-leaf.
Two incredibly small nightstands.
Maybe a dresser.
Some decor.
Maybe a new bookshelf.
General decor.
Comic storage solutions.
Things I want to buy:
Cartoon handbags.
Mice Stuffed toys.
Anything that is not a furniture item.
I think that my desire for unnecessary items stems from 1. not liking boring things and 2. being damn tired of being sensible all of the god damned time. However with layoffs fluttering around like zombie butterflies, I should probably refrain from buying mice and/or handbags and either buy furniture to use every day OR pay down my student loans.
I read a lengthy article about crashing economies and they say the number one best way to go into a depressed economy is debt free. Forget about having a job or having savings, but not owing anything is the best way to ride out economic disasters.
In other news:
Watch this video, it will change your life. NPR is now officially forgiven for ruining the end of season three of Lost.
So what I will do is ask you about purses. There is yet another purse I want. It is a Disneyland exclusive called MickeyDoki.
There are a few designs, but I am most attracted to either the hobo (day-to-day use) or the messenger (briefcase-esque use):
So here is the question:
Is it weird to buy a medium range handbag with anime-ized Disney characters on it? What if you either have to order it from Disneyland DelivEars over the phone or off of E-Bay.
More stuff I want to buy and don't need:
Yoda Mouse and other extraordinary mice (that I could have made myself if I had bothered thinking of it and then gone thru the effort of making it.
Growing up super-poor has some very strange effects on spending desires.
Things I need for my new place:
Small sewing table with drop-leaf.
Two incredibly small nightstands.
Maybe a dresser.
Some decor.
Maybe a new bookshelf.
General decor.
Comic storage solutions.
Things I want to buy:
Cartoon handbags.
Mice Stuffed toys.
Anything that is not a furniture item.
I think that my desire for unnecessary items stems from 1. not liking boring things and 2. being damn tired of being sensible all of the god damned time. However with layoffs fluttering around like zombie butterflies, I should probably refrain from buying mice and/or handbags and either buy furniture to use every day OR pay down my student loans.
I read a lengthy article about crashing economies and they say the number one best way to go into a depressed economy is debt free. Forget about having a job or having savings, but not owing anything is the best way to ride out economic disasters.
In other news:
Watch this video, it will change your life. NPR is now officially forgiven for ruining the end of season three of Lost.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I'm just a bit murrrrrrr.
13 ways in which Count Von Count is more successful than Quiana:
1. Fancier- see monocle and tuxedo.
2. Home owner- Castle Von Count.
3. Romance- Previously linked to Countess Von Backwards, Countess Dahling Von Dahling, and Lady Two.
4. Healthy relationship with Mother.
5. Super good at math.
6. Multiple TV, book, and film appearances.
7. Controls the elements- thunder and lightening.
8. Internationally beloved- ex. in Turkish he is called Sayıların Kontu
9. Excellent singer.
10. Still not a single gray hair at 1,832,652 years old. I should be so lucky.
11. Owns a pet octopus. (And bats and cats.) I am not responsible enough to own a pet.
12. No reflection = never having to see himself naked.
13. Wears a cape and no one makes fun of him.
THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN REASONS! AH AH AH AH!
1. Fancier- see monocle and tuxedo.
2. Home owner- Castle Von Count.
3. Romance- Previously linked to Countess Von Backwards, Countess Dahling Von Dahling, and Lady Two.
4. Healthy relationship with Mother.
5. Super good at math.
6. Multiple TV, book, and film appearances.
7. Controls the elements- thunder and lightening.
8. Internationally beloved- ex. in Turkish he is called Sayıların Kontu
9. Excellent singer.
10. Still not a single gray hair at 1,832,652 years old. I should be so lucky.
11. Owns a pet octopus. (And bats and cats.) I am not responsible enough to own a pet.
12. No reflection = never having to see himself naked.
13. Wears a cape and no one makes fun of him.
THIRTEEN, THIRTEEN REASONS! AH AH AH AH!
Monday, April 21, 2008
On noes, I've been memed!
Girl Friday K has invited me to join in her meme-fest. And I am nervous.
Meme:
What creators who are usually associated with a certain company (or, indeed, medium) would you like to see writing someone else’s title? For example, would you want to see JMS on Hellboy? Which DC character should Bendis have a crack at? Should George Pelecanos write Batman?
So here is the deal. I read comics. A lot. But unlike with "regular" books, I never actually examine who writes them. I do occasionally drop titles when the writers change- though I usually don't notice it until I am hurling the book across the room bellowing "This is BULL SHIT!"
I usually try to wait out bad art changes, but in the end, unless the art changes back to something I like the end result is also profanity and air born comics.
I do tend to read the same people's work over and over again. I'm not sure why I like them. They just seem to write stuff that I enjoy. Perhaps they write in genres that I enjoy, or maybe I really do prefer the work, without knowing why. I haven't put more thought in it than that. Anyway my top creators are:
Jeff Smith
The Luna brothers
Kirkman
Warren Ellis
Brian K. Vaughan
Steve Niles
Rick Remender
I am pretty embarrassed about my lack of comic thought and I really should put more effort into the comics I read. For someone who genuinely believes that comics are just as complex as "regular" books, I don't make much of a case for it.
But let's table my guilt-ridden comic analysis incompetence. Let's look at people who could write a good comic, who don't write comics at all.
1. Trenton Lee Stewart- I would love to see working on Runaways. His previous books show a mind built for complex mysteries written with lyrical but simplistic word choice. His characters that are fascinating and surprising and accessible to younger readers. A keen understanding of teens and children, of being unique and lost would definitely work for Runaways.
2. Cormac McCarthy- Fell or Elephantmen. I think his sparse style would mesh really well with Fell. I think that Elephantmen could also use his ability to create stand out characters full of introspection and hidden humanity. He also has a little bit of a quirk that would probably make him fairly good at these dark and twisted stories.
And that is all I've got for you guys, I could probably continue, but this could keep me busy a while. Thanks for inviting me to play ball!
Meme:
What creators who are usually associated with a certain company (or, indeed, medium) would you like to see writing someone else’s title? For example, would you want to see JMS on Hellboy? Which DC character should Bendis have a crack at? Should George Pelecanos write Batman?
So here is the deal. I read comics. A lot. But unlike with "regular" books, I never actually examine who writes them. I do occasionally drop titles when the writers change- though I usually don't notice it until I am hurling the book across the room bellowing "This is BULL SHIT!"
I usually try to wait out bad art changes, but in the end, unless the art changes back to something I like the end result is also profanity and air born comics.
I do tend to read the same people's work over and over again. I'm not sure why I like them. They just seem to write stuff that I enjoy. Perhaps they write in genres that I enjoy, or maybe I really do prefer the work, without knowing why. I haven't put more thought in it than that. Anyway my top creators are:
Jeff Smith
The Luna brothers
Kirkman
Warren Ellis
Brian K. Vaughan
Steve Niles
Rick Remender
I am pretty embarrassed about my lack of comic thought and I really should put more effort into the comics I read. For someone who genuinely believes that comics are just as complex as "regular" books, I don't make much of a case for it.
But let's table my guilt-ridden comic analysis incompetence. Let's look at people who could write a good comic, who don't write comics at all.
1. Trenton Lee Stewart- I would love to see working on Runaways. His previous books show a mind built for complex mysteries written with lyrical but simplistic word choice. His characters that are fascinating and surprising and accessible to younger readers. A keen understanding of teens and children, of being unique and lost would definitely work for Runaways.
2. Cormac McCarthy- Fell or Elephantmen. I think his sparse style would mesh really well with Fell. I think that Elephantmen could also use his ability to create stand out characters full of introspection and hidden humanity. He also has a little bit of a quirk that would probably make him fairly good at these dark and twisted stories.
And that is all I've got for you guys, I could probably continue, but this could keep me busy a while. Thanks for inviting me to play ball!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Look, it's stuff, for me to say!
1. Bank of America continues to deluge me with credit offers for accounts with much higher APR's, does this mean that they are trying to trick me into giving up my gorgeous low APR account? Also, I think Bank of America does not respect me. I cannot wait until October, when the end of my consumer debt servitude arrives (with cupcakes and fanfare).
2. Today I am tired, but have officially resumed a non-phlegm state. The mucous is gone. (Enter cupcakes and fanfare.)
3. I have made an error at work. It is minute, but now I owe favors, and inconvenienced someone and I HATE owing favors. (No cupcakes or fanfare for me.)
4. If it snows tomorrow, ruining the second Steve & Quiana BBQ of the year, I will be sad. (Then I will get cupcakes.)
2. Today I am tired, but have officially resumed a non-phlegm state. The mucous is gone. (Enter cupcakes and fanfare.)
3. I have made an error at work. It is minute, but now I owe favors, and inconvenienced someone and I HATE owing favors. (No cupcakes or fanfare for me.)
4. If it snows tomorrow, ruining the second Steve & Quiana BBQ of the year, I will be sad. (Then I will get cupcakes.)
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Things that I'm pondering:
1. Gargoyle Toes, among many others is being laid off. I am sad for her. Very sad.
2. I need a new comic storage solution. I want to be able to get into the boxes easily. Are drawer boxes the only game in town? Has anyone tried those magazine holders?
3. I am a little stressed out about decorating new spaces after I move. I think I'm nesting. Perhaps this is when I descend into my hermithood?
Or maybe I am just sick and tired and not thinking clearly.
2. I need a new comic storage solution. I want to be able to get into the boxes easily. Are drawer boxes the only game in town? Has anyone tried those magazine holders?
3. I am a little stressed out about decorating new spaces after I move. I think I'm nesting. Perhaps this is when I descend into my hermithood?
Or maybe I am just sick and tired and not thinking clearly.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Oops, almost forgot:
Most adorable plot summary for Meet the Robinsons:
Meet The Robinsons. An animated Disney film, very loosely based on the book A Day With Wilbur Robinson. Tom Selleck invents a time machine. (We'll just pause to let you absorb that piece of info.) And then a villain named Bowler Hat Guy travels back in time to sabotage a memory-scanning machine that a kid named Lewis has invented, which gave rise to all the amazing inventions in Tom Selleck's utopian future. ("Tom Selleck's Utopian Future" will be my next band name.) So Tom Selleck's son Wilbur has to travel back in time to our time, to make sure Lewis repairs the memory-scanning machine.
On io9.More with the posts about the nothing
You may start the Quiana Hideous Phlegm Disease Death Clock... now.
So, still sick. Nothing much to say about it. If you would like to read my awesome daily phlegm updates, feel free to check out my even more boring blog: Smart People on Ice.
Here, take these thoughts in lieu of an actual post:
1. Last night I hauled my phlegm infested carcass to the Moore to hear Marjane Satrapi speak. She was very funny and brought the entire topic of animalistic behavior (war and wackiness) back to a lack of 3 things:
1. Food
2. Shelter
3. Not being pestered
She is a smart lady.
2. I'm looking forward to relaxing today as I am going to be busy until Saturday and mostly just want to lay around in my bed filling numerous tissues. Everybody, please stop having fun until I am well. Thanks.
3. I'm really irked by Obama's comments about small town America. Also irked by the response of other candidates. I'm just going to hide under my bed until the election is over.
So, still sick. Nothing much to say about it. If you would like to read my awesome daily phlegm updates, feel free to check out my even more boring blog: Smart People on Ice.
Here, take these thoughts in lieu of an actual post:
1. Last night I hauled my phlegm infested carcass to the Moore to hear Marjane Satrapi speak. She was very funny and brought the entire topic of animalistic behavior (war and wackiness) back to a lack of 3 things:
1. Food
2. Shelter
3. Not being pestered
She is a smart lady.
2. I'm looking forward to relaxing today as I am going to be busy until Saturday and mostly just want to lay around in my bed filling numerous tissues. Everybody, please stop having fun until I am well. Thanks.
3. I'm really irked by Obama's comments about small town America. Also irked by the response of other candidates. I'm just going to hide under my bed until the election is over.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
I'm back, but without that vengeance thing that I've heard so much about
Sorry about the blogging sabbatical. It was one part someone blogged something stupid and rude (about my blog) and I'm taking my ball and going home, so there. And one part hanging upside down to hack up (literal) sheets of green mucous for the last 3 days, replete with gorilla style chest beating and cat-with-hairball style hacking. (Still single. Tell your friends!)
In all honesty, I absolutely have nothing (NOTHING) to relate as my days have been spent sort of watching (read: napping through) TV shows. Unless you would like more details of mucous. (Anyone? No? Really?!)
But I want to have things to say. So uhm... here:
1. Welcome new readers, I hope you look forward to stories about poop, raccoons, and nothing. Because those are my specialties.
2. Not Welcome: perverts who seem to be googling creepy kiddie-porn topics and somehow finding this. I am tracking my readers and, if I can figure out how, will find out where you are getting your "stuff" and then I will call the cops and you will go to jail and then you will become a much scarier man's (mens'?) bitch.
3. Today I've eaten: a banana, cherry m&m's, a latte, and two souls. Please do not provoke my dangerous ire. I will make you cry. Even if you are a dude. I am taking no shit today, friends. Watch out.
4. Yesterday someone left me a VM at work thanking me for doing my job. It was awesome. I plan to record it and put it on my desktop for use whenever someone yells at me for not magically making them smart enough to properly complete their legally binding affidavit. (No, idiot, you sign HERE, where it says "signature".)
5. This week's midnight movie at The Egyptian is Alien. If you have not seen this in a theater I encourage you to do so. It is AMAZING.
That's all I've got.
In all honesty, I absolutely have nothing (NOTHING) to relate as my days have been spent sort of watching (read: napping through) TV shows. Unless you would like more details of mucous. (Anyone? No? Really?!)
But I want to have things to say. So uhm... here:
1. Welcome new readers, I hope you look forward to stories about poop, raccoons, and nothing. Because those are my specialties.
2. Not Welcome: perverts who seem to be googling creepy kiddie-porn topics and somehow finding this. I am tracking my readers and, if I can figure out how, will find out where you are getting your "stuff" and then I will call the cops and you will go to jail and then you will become a much scarier man's (mens'?) bitch.
3. Today I've eaten: a banana, cherry m&m's, a latte, and two souls. Please do not provoke my dangerous ire. I will make you cry. Even if you are a dude. I am taking no shit today, friends. Watch out.
4. Yesterday someone left me a VM at work thanking me for doing my job. It was awesome. I plan to record it and put it on my desktop for use whenever someone yells at me for not magically making them smart enough to properly complete their legally binding affidavit. (No, idiot, you sign HERE, where it says "signature".)
5. This week's midnight movie at The Egyptian is Alien. If you have not seen this in a theater I encourage you to do so. It is AMAZING.
That's all I've got.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Links! Oh boy!
Wanna see some HOT space shuttle processing pix? You know you do, Nerd.
Jezebel brings us a Statistical Guide to Why You're Not Getting Laid. Showing the statistical imbalance between the genders by geographical location. (AKA the chart in National Geographic that my Grammy used to point out that I have no excuse for not having provided her with grandbabies.)
Summary:
If you live in Seattle you are not getting laid because you are either:
1. A dude
2. Utterly useless (see: Quiana)
If you live in New York it is because you are either:
1. A lady-person
2. Not wearing the new Prada Spring Collection.
Rush Limbaugh is a pathetic piece of shit who doesn't deserve a name and who will be roasting in the pits of hell (and judging by his physical condition- rather soon).
RL says that feminists hate men and get 2 0r 3 abortions and that is why they vote for Hillary Clinton.
I know that my hating of men often culminates in huge amounts of unprotected sex. I always fuck that which I hate. (Strange side note: I also hate seafood. Anyone up for an aquarium run?)
Having now slithered through the slime which is RL's uncomplicated, bigoted, misogynistic, drug-addled mind, I think it is time for some Muppets.
Jezebel brings us a Statistical Guide to Why You're Not Getting Laid. Showing the statistical imbalance between the genders by geographical location. (AKA the chart in National Geographic that my Grammy used to point out that I have no excuse for not having provided her with grandbabies.)
Summary:
If you live in Seattle you are not getting laid because you are either:
1. A dude
2. Utterly useless (see: Quiana)
If you live in New York it is because you are either:
1. A lady-person
2. Not wearing the new Prada Spring Collection.
Rush Limbaugh is a pathetic piece of shit who doesn't deserve a name and who will be roasting in the pits of hell (and judging by his physical condition- rather soon).
RL says that feminists hate men and get 2 0r 3 abortions and that is why they vote for Hillary Clinton.
I know that my hating of men often culminates in huge amounts of unprotected sex. I always fuck that which I hate. (Strange side note: I also hate seafood. Anyone up for an aquarium run?)
Having now slithered through the slime which is RL's uncomplicated, bigoted, misogynistic, drug-addled mind, I think it is time for some Muppets.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
National Geographic Live! Lecture Series
If you are into science, conservation, nature, or just becoming a more well-rounded individual you should absolutely be attending the National Geographic Live! Lecture Series.
These lectures are held at Benaroya Hall (and other locations nation-wide) and cover archeology, anthropology, zoology, geology- basically you name the 'ology'.
Last night herpetologist Brady Barr spoke and showed video and pictures from his various projects. He was (like every speaker at this series) extremely diverting and very knowledgeable.
Here are a couple of clips of Brady Barr that you might find interesting:
Dressing up as a crocodile to infiltrate... as suggested by school children.
Here is a link to when he attempted it with hippos.
Brady taking quite a bite in order to attach transmitters to a large large snake. In a cave. Full of snakes. Full of bats (which scare him). And waist deep bat guano.
Not every lecture is this action-packed, but I've never been bored.
There are still tickets for the remaining lectures, I encourage you to try one.
These lectures are held at Benaroya Hall (and other locations nation-wide) and cover archeology, anthropology, zoology, geology- basically you name the 'ology'.
Last night herpetologist Brady Barr spoke and showed video and pictures from his various projects. He was (like every speaker at this series) extremely diverting and very knowledgeable.
Here are a couple of clips of Brady Barr that you might find interesting:
Dressing up as a crocodile to infiltrate... as suggested by school children.
Here is a link to when he attempted it with hippos.
Brady taking quite a bite in order to attach transmitters to a large large snake. In a cave. Full of snakes. Full of bats (which scare him). And waist deep bat guano.
Not every lecture is this action-packed, but I've never been bored.
There are still tickets for the remaining lectures, I encourage you to try one.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Assorted
1. I just found out that The Mix, local awesome ice cream joint(s), is definitely gone forever. I had noticed some time ago that they were strangely still closed from the holidays... but now apparently they are never to re-open.
I guess I will run to the comforting arms of Bottega Italiana, now open a few blocks from me in Green Lake.
2. I am completely tired of April Fool's Day. Yes, everyone, you are very funny and creative. (Perhaps you can experiment with the "funny" all year?) Now can we please get back to business?
3. I ordered a new battery for my iPod (also known as my iSuck(balls) so it will be exciting if this causes the bastard to play music while not plugged in. If it doesn't work, I'm pretty sure that I will have screwed the pooch. Then I guess I'll be forced to buy a Zune OR figure out the MP3 phone situation.
4. Speaking of music, here are some things I am listening to:
Love Psychedelico:
The Feeling, Sewn. Which I could not embed. Rude.
Miley Cyrus, See You Again.
Yes, I should be ashamed, but I really like this song. And it is all Steve's fault.
I guess there is no real music video for this song, hence this apostrophe-less abomination. Anyway, the song is in the background.
5. My Grammy gave me Proactiv. The gift that says, "Here, love, take care of those hideous spots please."
I guess I will run to the comforting arms of Bottega Italiana, now open a few blocks from me in Green Lake.
2. I am completely tired of April Fool's Day. Yes, everyone, you are very funny and creative. (Perhaps you can experiment with the "funny" all year?) Now can we please get back to business?
3. I ordered a new battery for my iPod (also known as my iSuck(balls) so it will be exciting if this causes the bastard to play music while not plugged in. If it doesn't work, I'm pretty sure that I will have screwed the pooch. Then I guess I'll be forced to buy a Zune OR figure out the MP3 phone situation.
4. Speaking of music, here are some things I am listening to:
Love Psychedelico:
The Feeling, Sewn. Which I could not embed. Rude.
Miley Cyrus, See You Again.
Yes, I should be ashamed, but I really like this song. And it is all Steve's fault.
I guess there is no real music video for this song, hence this apostrophe-less abomination. Anyway, the song is in the background.
5. My Grammy gave me Proactiv. The gift that says, "Here, love, take care of those hideous spots please."
In which Quiana cannot say/do anything right
Serious conversation means being honest with yourself and other people. Serious conversation means facing up to the parts of you that you can disguise under nail polish and pithy Threadless t-shirts and hundreds of useless facts and distant friendships. Serious conversation is all the shitty parts of being a grown up and none of the good parts like porn and liquor.
I had to have a horrible (read: serious) conversation with someone last night (the second part of a two part clusterfuck). The major problem with having a serious conversation is that I’m super not-good at conversing with other people about things that may hurt feelings or be important or change how things are right at this moment. (For those who don’t know me well, I am always ‘happy’ with things right now- even if I’m not- as long as I don’t have to risk any sort of change).
Last night I had to do the 'smart thing', as opposed to the 'dumb, crazy, short-sighted, stupid thing'- the tempting path of least resistance, which is always lurking.
I could even have done the 'mean thing'; which is second easiest and was nearly always my first choice my entire life. But that is not a good choice when you are busy trying to avoid making every chance meeting with Serious Conversation Buddy the most painfully awkward and gut wrenching moment of the week by doing the smart thing in the first place.
Most unfortunately, I had to do the 'smart thing' using only the arcane tools with which I came into this world- my word making abilities (“honed” by years at a well respected liberal arts college) and innate understanding of feelings. (Hint: not super skilled in either of these arenas.) So… that went poorly and left me with the feeling that I suck and will continue to suck (until I die).
So today I feel shitty. Predicted feelings in my Weekly Feelings Forecast: shitty through the midweek, but lifting into a heavy malaise in time for the weekend. Don’t forget your umbrellas, because it sucks out there. (This is probably my fault.)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Weaknesses
I have never before desired anything made by Prada. EVER. Until I found out that James Jean, who has done fantastic cover illustrations for a couple of my favorite comics, was involved in the creation of Prada's Spring Collection this year.
I've always felt that it is GROSSLY irresponsible to buy a $2300 hand bag, but let me assure my readers that if I could even remotely afford to spend that kind of money on something that could absolutely not be nudged or even stretched into the category of "necessary or at least practical or at least an entire vacation", I would be on the phone to Terry begging him to go to the Prada store there in NYC and put me down on the list.
I like the square one. Not the round, for what that is worth (answer: significantly less than $2300). (Photo discretely borrowed w/o permission from comics212 with great thanks.)
Also you (people who are not interested in bits of over-priced leather) will be glad to know that Journey (replete with very good new lead singer) will be playing the White River Amphitheater with Heart and Cheap Trick on September 19th. So I hope someone (Steve) is free to join me (Steve) for this awesome opportunity (Steve, I am not kidding, no price is too high to pay to see Journey, Heart, and Cheap Trick.) that will probably not come again (Steve, seriously, I will sell an egg if necessary).
Tickets not yet on sale, due to there being no justice in this life.
I've always felt that it is GROSSLY irresponsible to buy a $2300 hand bag, but let me assure my readers that if I could even remotely afford to spend that kind of money on something that could absolutely not be nudged or even stretched into the category of "necessary or at least practical or at least an entire vacation", I would be on the phone to Terry begging him to go to the Prada store there in NYC and put me down on the list.
I like the square one. Not the round, for what that is worth (answer: significantly less than $2300). (Photo discretely borrowed w/o permission from comics212 with great thanks.)
Also you (people who are not interested in bits of over-priced leather) will be glad to know that Journey (replete with very good new lead singer) will be playing the White River Amphitheater with Heart and Cheap Trick on September 19th. So I hope someone (Steve) is free to join me (Steve) for this awesome opportunity (Steve, I am not kidding, no price is too high to pay to see Journey, Heart, and Cheap Trick.) that will probably not come again (Steve, seriously, I will sell an egg if necessary).
Tickets not yet on sale, due to there being no justice in this life.
Nerds of Steel
Check out this interesting article about buff nerds (or 'ripsters') in The New York Observer via The Park Bench.
It is about how there are men working hard to retain their nerdy aesthetic while building sexy bodies... to hide under argyle sweaters and girl pants.
I'm just going to assume that under Dean Kamen's ubiquitous blue button-down shirt is a body made to please a much younger woman.
It is about how there are men working hard to retain their nerdy aesthetic while building sexy bodies... to hide under argyle sweaters and girl pants.
I'm just going to assume that under Dean Kamen's ubiquitous blue button-down shirt is a body made to please a much younger woman.
Tales of Miniature Quiana: Pragmatic Travel
By Paul's request.
It was a cool fall evening in the mid to late 80's in Eastern Washington. My mother and I had come to a stand off about something. She told me to go to my room. I said "no". Years prior I had determined that she could not force me to do anything. Since she wouldn't hit me and wasn't likely to physically enforce Time Out, I declared that she could not "boss me around" anymore.
But this time she caught me by surprise. She actually grabbed me by the arm and tossed me in my room.
This was a HUGE shock and could not be endured.
I immediately pulled my Rainbow Brite bag from under my bed and went straight to work packing. As I recall, I grabbed only the necessities:
Gram crackers
Blanket (baby sized)
Collected works of A.A. Milne
Extra underwear
Flashlight
Small cast iron real working sewing machine (for work?)
Hamster carrier containing: hamster and hamster food.
I changed into my best adventure outfit (replete with boots, overalls, and pith helmet) put the bag on my back and the carrier under my arm and climbed out my first floor window.
I walked across the lawn and down into the ditch along side the road. I would guess I made it 2 blocks (though it seemed really far at the time) and it started to get dark. I decided to make camp for the night. There was a culvert over the ditch (to accommodate spring flood water) and that seemed like a good place to hide out.
I can't remember if the man was already there, or if he came in after I was in there, but he did have white hair and a hat.
"Shouldn't you go home?" the man said, stooped over in the short culvert. "It's dark now though," I feebly protested.
"Well, I'll walk with you then."
And we walked all 2 blocks back to my window. I climbed in, he handed me my bags and a while later mom brought me French toast.
I told her that I left and that some man told me to go home. I even showed her my packed bag. But she didn't believe me- which was for the best, because I would have been in for the whupping of a lifetime.
I remain convinced to this day that this occurred- I can remember the light during sunset, the damp smell of the ditch, and the fear of being alone.
I'd like to think that some kind homeless man rescued me, though he was more likely just an old man on a walk through our tranquil small town neighborhood.
*************************
Bonus Addendum
Having now discussed this story at length with various people I wanted to write a couple of things:
1. I am absolutely positive this happened- it is my mother who categorically denies this occurred.
2. I declare that this is a happy story:
I didn't get molested or left for dead in a ditch.
I didn't get in trouble, because my mom didn't believe me.
The hamster got to experience some invigorating travel (and live to tell the tale).
And in the end, everyone (except the hamster) got French toast (which is arguably the best thing my mom knows how to cook).
This is a story about a plucky little kid doing funny things. These are the exact sort of crazy things that I would do all the time.
Enjoy my cute story, damn it.
It was a cool fall evening in the mid to late 80's in Eastern Washington. My mother and I had come to a stand off about something. She told me to go to my room. I said "no". Years prior I had determined that she could not force me to do anything. Since she wouldn't hit me and wasn't likely to physically enforce Time Out, I declared that she could not "boss me around" anymore.
But this time she caught me by surprise. She actually grabbed me by the arm and tossed me in my room.
This was a HUGE shock and could not be endured.
I immediately pulled my Rainbow Brite bag from under my bed and went straight to work packing. As I recall, I grabbed only the necessities:
Gram crackers
Blanket (baby sized)
Collected works of A.A. Milne
Extra underwear
Flashlight
Small cast iron real working sewing machine (for work?)
Hamster carrier containing: hamster and hamster food.
I changed into my best adventure outfit (replete with boots, overalls, and pith helmet) put the bag on my back and the carrier under my arm and climbed out my first floor window.
I walked across the lawn and down into the ditch along side the road. I would guess I made it 2 blocks (though it seemed really far at the time) and it started to get dark. I decided to make camp for the night. There was a culvert over the ditch (to accommodate spring flood water) and that seemed like a good place to hide out.
I can't remember if the man was already there, or if he came in after I was in there, but he did have white hair and a hat.
"Shouldn't you go home?" the man said, stooped over in the short culvert. "It's dark now though," I feebly protested.
"Well, I'll walk with you then."
And we walked all 2 blocks back to my window. I climbed in, he handed me my bags and a while later mom brought me French toast.
I told her that I left and that some man told me to go home. I even showed her my packed bag. But she didn't believe me- which was for the best, because I would have been in for the whupping of a lifetime.
I remain convinced to this day that this occurred- I can remember the light during sunset, the damp smell of the ditch, and the fear of being alone.
I'd like to think that some kind homeless man rescued me, though he was more likely just an old man on a walk through our tranquil small town neighborhood.
*************************
Bonus Addendum
Having now discussed this story at length with various people I wanted to write a couple of things:
1. I am absolutely positive this happened- it is my mother who categorically denies this occurred.
2. I declare that this is a happy story:
I didn't get molested or left for dead in a ditch.
I didn't get in trouble, because my mom didn't believe me.
The hamster got to experience some invigorating travel (and live to tell the tale).
And in the end, everyone (except the hamster) got French toast (which is arguably the best thing my mom knows how to cook).
This is a story about a plucky little kid doing funny things. These are the exact sort of crazy things that I would do all the time.
Enjoy my cute story, damn it.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Blow Jobs vs. My Little Pony
So I don't know if you are aware, but my tutoring students tell me that BJ Parties are all the rage. These are girls in the tween to teen ages.
You recall 7 Minutes in Heaven, with the awkward smooching, this is just like that but with non-reciprocated oral sex.
Can you imagine? (Of course you can, Pervert.) When I was in junior high I was still attending sleep overs where we were illicitly watching... don't tell... Dirty Dancing. Considered too racy for us to watch.
I am all about children not being raised to think that sex is dirty, but I can't understand how this came to be common place. Obviously teenagers have sex, but I can't imagine being persuaded to give a blow job at age 12. I wasn't even sexually interested in men at that age.
I've been wondering if sexualized girl-figures like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are a symptom of early sexualiztion in girls or a cause. Everyone is craving acceptance, and maybe becoming a dispenser of BJ's make these girls think that they are being desirable or cool?
I just would like any young person reading this know that sex acts should make both partners happy. Sex is reciprocal.
Also you should know that there is such a thing as gonorrhea of the throat, among other dangers.
Jezebel has an article up about the decline in (girl) scouting, which is how I got onto this topic in the first place. The point of which is that Girl Scouts doesn't resonate with our youth today because interests have shifted. (To Cock?)
You recall 7 Minutes in Heaven, with the awkward smooching, this is just like that but with non-reciprocated oral sex.
Can you imagine? (Of course you can, Pervert.) When I was in junior high I was still attending sleep overs where we were illicitly watching... don't tell... Dirty Dancing. Considered too racy for us to watch.
I am all about children not being raised to think that sex is dirty, but I can't understand how this came to be common place. Obviously teenagers have sex, but I can't imagine being persuaded to give a blow job at age 12. I wasn't even sexually interested in men at that age.
I've been wondering if sexualized girl-figures like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are a symptom of early sexualiztion in girls or a cause. Everyone is craving acceptance, and maybe becoming a dispenser of BJ's make these girls think that they are being desirable or cool?
I just would like any young person reading this know that sex acts should make both partners happy. Sex is reciprocal.
Also you should know that there is such a thing as gonorrhea of the throat, among other dangers.
Jezebel has an article up about the decline in (girl) scouting, which is how I got onto this topic in the first place. The point of which is that Girl Scouts doesn't resonate with our youth today because interests have shifted. (To Cock?)
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Things that I am scared of:
Fauna.
Spiders.
Becoming a boring woman at work that tells stories that go like this: "blah blah blah my dog blah blah blah, BARK BARK BARK HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Getting super-fat.
Zombies.
Car accidents.
Plane crashes.
Bad haircuts.
Touching my own eye.
Commitment.
Leaving the oven on.
Becoming my mother.
Spiders.
Becoming a boring woman at work that tells stories that go like this: "blah blah blah my dog blah blah blah, BARK BARK BARK HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Getting super-fat.
Zombies.
Car accidents.
Plane crashes.
Bad haircuts.
Touching my own eye.
Commitment.
Leaving the oven on.
Becoming my mother.
My heretical church.
This week's Bible study topic at my tiny church (that all my church going friends look upon with disgust): What does the Bible say about Pornography?
I have no idea what the Bible says about porn, but it is all about the smut. Which is just word porn, right? I've read the Song of Solomon. (Rawr)
If I can get my ass in gear this weekend, I'll let you know what my (get your fainting couch ready) gay black pastor says the Bible says about porn.
I have no idea what the Bible says about porn, but it is all about the smut. Which is just word porn, right? I've read the Song of Solomon. (Rawr)
If I can get my ass in gear this weekend, I'll let you know what my (get your fainting couch ready) gay black pastor says the Bible says about porn.
Thought of the Day: Evangelism
Why do people require that you believe what they believe? Science, God, and politics are the worst of these areas. But I see it in art, music, and sports as well.
I kind of understand religious people being scared of the repercussions of not believing in a God and even in politics changing people's votes could be significant.
But why are atheists evangelical? Why does an atheist care if I want to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster? It is a mystery to me.
I kind of understand religious people being scared of the repercussions of not believing in a God and even in politics changing people's votes could be significant.
But why are atheists evangelical? Why does an atheist care if I want to worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster? It is a mystery to me.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Hot Nerd Sandwich Action
Dean Kamen appeared on The Colbert Report last Thursday. Kamen's crack team of super geniuses has invented an incredible water distiller.
Dean Kamen + Stephen Colbert on screen together? Would it be too far out of line to say that is a nerd sandwich that I could really get into? Yes?
Ok then.
Well let me just say that they are two not-that-great-looking guys with whom I would totally have sex. Separately or together. Kidding! (Not really. Call me, Dean!)
Big thanks to Drew for the heads up on this critical science news. I will assume that Drew also shares my unnatural Dean Kamen related urges....
Dean Kamen + Stephen Colbert on screen together? Would it be too far out of line to say that is a nerd sandwich that I could really get into? Yes?
Ok then.
Well let me just say that they are two not-that-great-looking guys with whom I would totally have sex. Separately or together. Kidding! (Not really. Call me, Dean!)
Big thanks to Drew for the heads up on this critical science news. I will assume that Drew also shares my unnatural Dean Kamen related urges....
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Kiddie Anarchy for Dummies
In college one of my favorite jobs was babysitting. Of course it wasn't just babysitting, it was babysitting on "The Main Line" (just outside of Philadelphia).
I was babysitting children in million dollar homes. I was babysitting but wasn't allowed to the dishes, "because sweet-heart that is what we pay Elaina to do."
And the kids were amazing; the children of predominantly well educated, intelligent, and well mannered people. Sometimes bratty, but I just think back on Miniature Quiana and praise God that they were better behaved than I ever was.
Just one little example of the awesomeness of these kids... just one... I promise:
I babysat a little girl named Eleanor. She was 6ish at the time. We used to have adventures picking up garbage in the park, riding the train to the good ice cream place, making found art, and playing pirates.
One day she was describing the differences between Montessori and her current school- and I am absolutely not shitting you- she used the word 'dichotomy'.
If that is not the most adorable thing you have ever heard, you're crazy.
Later I told my boyfriend of the time that story and he said, "What's 'dichotomy' mean?" And I broke up with him within the week.
You may contrast the experience of talking about environmental stewardship in the sitting room whilst sipping KoolAid from actual Tiffany china with the occurrences of Wednesday.
Last night Angie and I allowed someone to cash in favors and thus we ended up herding children for nearly 5 hours (after my normal work day). The kids trickled in a few at a time, but by 7 pm it was abject chaos.
Now in college my friend Megan and I did group babysitting gigs for parties all the time. We played tag and Simon Says. Never did any of them decide that 'let's all stand on tables and jump off of them like complete idiots' was an ok game.
How close was I to the Lord of the Flies?
- three band-aids on one arm and one paper airplane in the eye (THIS WAS THE SAME KID).
- five small children all bellowing my name at the same time "KEY YAN NA!"
- one little girl "I want to be it!", "I want the red airplane" etc. which led to my declaration that "There's no such thing as a snozzberry!" Woosh, right over her head. But I thought it was hi-larious.
-Jack (you remember in The Lord of the Flies, he wanted to hunt pigs and wrenched the leadership from Ralph aka me) was played twin six year olds who arrived while we were all playing with blocks and drawing and whose parents arrived to fetch them just as I was telling them to "get off of that table or I will impose 10 second penalty to your whole team."
-A few parents were surprised when they returned to find that their children had all "grown mustaches" in strange colors. Could we have prevented these children from an evening of multi-colored Snidleys? Yup.
-Someone cheated at Pokemon and called someone else a "dumbo" (then stole his glasses to set fire to the entire island... kidding). Said "dumbo", "That boy called me names AND he cheated at Pokemon. That wasn't very nice." Indeed not, Dumbo. Indeed not.
I guess all was well in the end. The twins left and order resumed. When the parents arrived the kids cried because they had to leave, which is always gratifying.
Best of all, afterward I got to go home, scarf a baked potato and watch Men in Trees.
I was babysitting children in million dollar homes. I was babysitting but wasn't allowed to the dishes, "because sweet-heart that is what we pay Elaina to do."
And the kids were amazing; the children of predominantly well educated, intelligent, and well mannered people. Sometimes bratty, but I just think back on Miniature Quiana and praise God that they were better behaved than I ever was.
Just one little example of the awesomeness of these kids... just one... I promise:
I babysat a little girl named Eleanor. She was 6ish at the time. We used to have adventures picking up garbage in the park, riding the train to the good ice cream place, making found art, and playing pirates.
One day she was describing the differences between Montessori and her current school- and I am absolutely not shitting you- she used the word 'dichotomy'.
If that is not the most adorable thing you have ever heard, you're crazy.
Later I told my boyfriend of the time that story and he said, "What's 'dichotomy' mean?" And I broke up with him within the week.
You may contrast the experience of talking about environmental stewardship in the sitting room whilst sipping KoolAid from actual Tiffany china with the occurrences of Wednesday.
Last night Angie and I allowed someone to cash in favors and thus we ended up herding children for nearly 5 hours (after my normal work day). The kids trickled in a few at a time, but by 7 pm it was abject chaos.
Now in college my friend Megan and I did group babysitting gigs for parties all the time. We played tag and Simon Says. Never did any of them decide that 'let's all stand on tables and jump off of them like complete idiots' was an ok game.
How close was I to the Lord of the Flies?
- three band-aids on one arm and one paper airplane in the eye (THIS WAS THE SAME KID).
- five small children all bellowing my name at the same time "KEY YAN NA!"
- one little girl "I want to be it!", "I want the red airplane" etc. which led to my declaration that "There's no such thing as a snozzberry!" Woosh, right over her head. But I thought it was hi-larious.
-Jack (you remember in The Lord of the Flies, he wanted to hunt pigs and wrenched the leadership from Ralph aka me) was played twin six year olds who arrived while we were all playing with blocks and drawing and whose parents arrived to fetch them just as I was telling them to "get off of that table or I will impose 10 second penalty to your whole team."
-A few parents were surprised when they returned to find that their children had all "grown mustaches" in strange colors. Could we have prevented these children from an evening of multi-colored Snidleys? Yup.
-Someone cheated at Pokemon and called someone else a "dumbo" (then stole his glasses to set fire to the entire island... kidding). Said "dumbo", "That boy called me names AND he cheated at Pokemon. That wasn't very nice." Indeed not, Dumbo. Indeed not.
I guess all was well in the end. The twins left and order resumed. When the parents arrived the kids cried because they had to leave, which is always gratifying.
Best of all, afterward I got to go home, scarf a baked potato and watch Men in Trees.
Danger! Danger!
Yesterday someone Googled "feeding raccoons in Seattle illegal".
I have no idea if it is illegal, but holy crap is it seriously dangerous.
Googler: DO NOT FEED RACCOONS. THEY CARRY RABIES. THEY ROUTINELY EVISCERATE HOUSEHOLD PETS.
THEY WILL STEAL YOUR RUGS AND LEAVE YOU WITH COLD BARE FLOORS.
I just pray that I'm not too late.
I have no idea if it is illegal, but holy crap is it seriously dangerous.
Googler: DO NOT FEED RACCOONS. THEY CARRY RABIES. THEY ROUTINELY EVISCERATE HOUSEHOLD PETS.
THEY WILL STEAL YOUR RUGS AND LEAVE YOU WITH COLD BARE FLOORS.
I just pray that I'm not too late.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
News! Kinda.
io9 is reporting that France is trying to temporarily costume its famous landmark to look exactly like one of ours.
Never turn your back on the French. Shifty people, not to be trusted.
Look at this great picture of the Space Needle.... La la la, let's just scroll on down...
WTF.
And now for something completely different:
A&E is doing a mini-series of Michael Crichton's Andromeda Strain; which was super fantastic. In fact, I feel like the original movie was actually pretty good too.
Here, just watch the trailer.
I am really looking forward to this. The casting seems pretty good and A&E seems to make consistently high quality mini-series. Also, alien virus + Ricky Schroder + Daniel Dae Kim + Benjamin Bratt = Happy Quiana.
Never turn your back on the French. Shifty people, not to be trusted.
Look at this great picture of the Space Needle.... La la la, let's just scroll on down...
WTF.
And now for something completely different:
A&E is doing a mini-series of Michael Crichton's Andromeda Strain; which was super fantastic. In fact, I feel like the original movie was actually pretty good too.
Here, just watch the trailer.
I am really looking forward to this. The casting seems pretty good and A&E seems to make consistently high quality mini-series. Also, alien virus + Ricky Schroder + Daniel Dae Kim + Benjamin Bratt = Happy Quiana.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
You looked kinda like Brock Samson,
but without the mullet- you even had the sexy Patrick Warburton-esque voice.
You worked out all the time but had no idea how good looking you were- I later learned you were heavy as a child (sorry about blabbing it on the interwebs) and that probably caused you to be so unaware of your good looks. It is also probably why you are really nice.
You were very still and it was such a joy just to sit with you and not need to do anything. You made me feel safe and tranquil- which is a major accomplishment. My friends found you (forgive me for saying so) boring and shy, but I liked how you said exactly what you meant and didn't clown around constantly. You loved a good pun and delivered them with no emotion. It was amazing. I think that you were constantly underestimated because you were so retiring.
You wanted to get married and have kids more than anything, but I wasn't sure that it was for me. It was very hard breaking up with you. I felt like I was doing something stupid.
A bit ago I got your engagement announcement and I can see I did everything right. You look so happy.
Congratulations and all the best of luck to you- though something tells me you will not need it.
Congratulations and all the best of luck to you- though something tells me you will not need it.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Web Stalking: Steven Moffat
Today I web stalked Steven Moffat and found that the writer of the fantastic show Coupling has also done work on Dr. Who. He also wrote Jekyll, which was quite amazing.
Now I see that he has written the TinTin movie, which is super-exciting if you are a huge cartoon nerd. Which I am.
Looking further on IMDB I noticed 3 other shows written by Moffat: Chalk, Press Gang, and Murder Most Horrid. None of which I can get my hands on.
I guess I will just have to wait for TinTin. Stupid not getting whatever I want when I randomly google search for it.
Now I see that he has written the TinTin movie, which is super-exciting if you are a huge cartoon nerd. Which I am.
Looking further on IMDB I noticed 3 other shows written by Moffat: Chalk, Press Gang, and Murder Most Horrid. None of which I can get my hands on.
I guess I will just have to wait for TinTin. Stupid not getting whatever I want when I randomly google search for it.
Awesome Rituals 1
Every spring I go to IMDB.com and click to see what movies are ahead of me in the summer. I'd like to report that never before has a summer been so promising with literally a dozen movies I would actually not be completely bitter to pay $10 to see.
Kicking off my spring/summer movie extravaganza:
Harold and Kumar on April 25th. (Mysteriously not April 20th.)
Movie nobody will want to see with me:
The Happening on 6/13.
Movies tied for "Most Looked Forward To":
Iron Man on 5/2 and Dark Knight on 7/18 (the day after my birthday- surely not a coincidence).
Is it crazy to put movie release dates in your Outlook calendar? Hope not.
Kicking off my spring/summer movie extravaganza:
Harold and Kumar on April 25th. (Mysteriously not April 20th.)
Movie nobody will want to see with me:
The Happening on 6/13.
Movies tied for "Most Looked Forward To":
Iron Man on 5/2 and Dark Knight on 7/18 (the day after my birthday- surely not a coincidence).
Is it crazy to put movie release dates in your Outlook calendar? Hope not.
You may call me Nerdy VonNerdstress, Queen of the Dorks
Check out this segment of Ellen.
Seriously. It is awesome.
There is a vat of cornstarch and water... that is all you should require.
Seriously. It is awesome.
There is a vat of cornstarch and water... that is all you should require.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Let them eat Pi.
Happy Pi Day everyone!
Do celebrate my favorite number by eating its delicious and homophonous dessert.
Do celebrate my favorite number by eating its delicious and homophonous dessert.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Stupid Hurty Foot
Things I miss from before I hurt my foot:
1. Sexy shoes and the outfits that go with them.
What cords, gap sweaters, and New Balance sneakers aren't sexy?! Well shoot.
2. Being barefoot.
I hate wearing shoes, and now I wear them all day. I used to love to go to the beach and scrunch my toes in wet sand.
3. Running.
I miss the relaxation. I miss the feeling of sprinting at top Quiana speed.
4. The being skinny.
It was nice to look hot naked. I'd like to think that if I became a skank who takes strange men home that when it was naked time they would be excited as opposed to disappointed.
5. Being strong.
Riding my exercise bike will never be as challenging as sprinting at top speed into a flock of Canada geese like a golden retriever. Could I have beat up a would-be attacker? Not likely, but I could outrun him.
6. Going where ever I want.
Now I have to consider my foot. Can I go on that hike then go shopping (answer: no)?
7. Never having to explain my stupid foot.
'Nuff said.
8. Pretty feet.
I never paint my toe nails anymore since I have to wear shoes all the time.
9. Flip flops.
I miss flip flops so much.
1. Sexy shoes and the outfits that go with them.
What cords, gap sweaters, and New Balance sneakers aren't sexy?! Well shoot.
2. Being barefoot.
I hate wearing shoes, and now I wear them all day. I used to love to go to the beach and scrunch my toes in wet sand.
3. Running.
I miss the relaxation. I miss the feeling of sprinting at top Quiana speed.
4. The being skinny.
It was nice to look hot naked. I'd like to think that if I became a skank who takes strange men home that when it was naked time they would be excited as opposed to disappointed.
5. Being strong.
Riding my exercise bike will never be as challenging as sprinting at top speed into a flock of Canada geese like a golden retriever. Could I have beat up a would-be attacker? Not likely, but I could outrun him.
6. Going where ever I want.
Now I have to consider my foot. Can I go on that hike then go shopping (answer: no)?
7. Never having to explain my stupid foot.
'Nuff said.
8. Pretty feet.
I never paint my toe nails anymore since I have to wear shoes all the time.
9. Flip flops.
I miss flip flops so much.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Of shoes and ships and sealing wax
1. I bought a new phone, the Sony w580i. It is pink, scarily small and light and has a mushroom cell phone bauble. Hopefully I'll figure out all the functions soon. I'm kind of scared to have to learn a new predictive texting software. Because I'm old.
2. Today a client sent an email that was all rude and accused negligence and wanted to know specifically who is at fault. The thing that is killing me is that she is a middle aged mommy and a crazy-pants evangelical (who- I shit you not- 'blessed' me at our meeting in December and -still totally not shitting you- gave me a hug for being so helpful... so I'm thinking maybe a little bi-polar? hopefully not of the stabby stabby variety...).
This is when I should throw a smoke bomb and run away. (I am not the negligent one, but I am the bearer of bad news, which will probably suck more.)
3. I think I will take a Mental Health Saturday this weekend. I can mop, watch cartoons, and maybe bake something extravagant- all in my pjs. And if I am lonely by evening time I will just go out looking for trouble all spontaneous-like. So hold all the fun for another weekend just in case. Seriously, guys- NO FUN SATURDAY.
2. Today a client sent an email that was all rude and accused negligence and wanted to know specifically who is at fault. The thing that is killing me is that she is a middle aged mommy and a crazy-pants evangelical (who- I shit you not- 'blessed' me at our meeting in December and -still totally not shitting you- gave me a hug for being so helpful... so I'm thinking maybe a little bi-polar? hopefully not of the stabby stabby variety...).
This is when I should throw a smoke bomb and run away. (I am not the negligent one, but I am the bearer of bad news, which will probably suck more.)
3. I think I will take a Mental Health Saturday this weekend. I can mop, watch cartoons, and maybe bake something extravagant- all in my pjs. And if I am lonely by evening time I will just go out looking for trouble all spontaneous-like. So hold all the fun for another weekend just in case. Seriously, guys- NO FUN SATURDAY.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Link Dump
NPH comments on (future guest star) Britney Spears, replete with a ladybits related snark.
My friend Terry writes about Spitzer.
Tired of political discussions? Next time some obsesses about Obama tell them that you are more concerned about Harvey Dent's political career and have them listened to his impassioned plea for law and order. Then punch them in the face.
My friend Terry writes about Spitzer.
Tired of political discussions? Next time some obsesses about Obama tell them that you are more concerned about Harvey Dent's political career and have them listened to his impassioned plea for law and order. Then punch them in the face.
Monday, March 10, 2008
3rd paragraph down, second line.
Slate article about Prince Harry.
If you do not click the link you will be SO DISSAPOINTED when you miss out on that awesome.
If you do not click the link you will be SO DISSAPOINTED when you miss out on that awesome.
There's someone I forgot to be.
1. I am now free from my Verizon Wireless contract. (Yay!) Now I can let AT&T rip me off for a while. It will be AWESOME. (Today's The Word is "tag-team.")
This evening I will venture to Northgate Mall to try to determine what the hell needs to occur in this whole phone process... including choosing a new phone.
Which reminds me that you guys are all NUTS. I can't believe that after I asked for phone recommendations all I got were emails from a bunch iPhone whores. (Side note: Come on guys, leave a comment instead of sending an email- this is a blog for Pete's sake).
My iPod pretty much has never functioned to a suitable level and as I've previously stated Apple has terrible customer service; so buying the iPhone from AT&T is like buying Ann Coulter and Dick Cheney's (Jabba the Hutt and Darth Vader's?) love child as far as I'm concerned.
This phone isn't out yet, but I am filled with lust for it. (Which is precisely how I ended up with the world's most useless POS RAZR- meaning that I should know better.) I am seriously looking at the LG Shine (I've had great luck with LG) and the W580i by Sony (which solves the barely working iPod problem nicely) (Yes, two parenthetical sidenotes in a row. Isn't that against the rules? Probably, but that is just how I roll: I also trust Sony to make a durable product as my old Sony TV is old enough to have faux-wood paneling and still works great. Ok, great-ish.).
2. Things that do not mix: Spring Forward and mild hangovers.
3. Due to a series of other people's screw ups I had to be in the office at 6:30 am. You know who is in the office at 6:30 am? Pretty much just me and my burning resentment. Resentment further inflamed by my noting on my un-spring forwarded clock that I was up at 4:30 am.
4. It is funny to me how common place pedicures are. On Saturday I paid a woman $25 to scrub dead skin off of my feet and calves and paint and shape my toenails. A woman who (I'm guessing from her age) probably fled Vietnam in a row boat as a very young woman, with hopes of a better future. A better future scrubbing my toes?
5. I've always prided myself on my lack of complexity. There are no additional layers. I read comics, watch discovery channel, and think poop jokes are funny. I don't catch signals, expressions, or really any non-verbal form of communication more complex than a middle finger.
I know that sounds crazy, as I'm not a complete flaming idiot, but I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to honestly portray who I am with no smoke and mirrors; so I can't tell what other people are doing if they don't just say what they mean or what they're thinking/feeling.
Lately I've been dealing with tricky interpersonal interactions (both in the office and in my personal life) and I'm beginning to think that perhaps having spent more time worrying about appearances would have trained me to be better at people stuff.
Make sense of that- if you can.
Quiana: now 100% more awkward and confusing.
6. Two Quiana-Bucks to the person who can take a guess at the song that I gleefully reference in the Title without Googling it and why.
This evening I will venture to Northgate Mall to try to determine what the hell needs to occur in this whole phone process... including choosing a new phone.
Which reminds me that you guys are all NUTS. I can't believe that after I asked for phone recommendations all I got were emails from a bunch iPhone whores. (Side note: Come on guys, leave a comment instead of sending an email- this is a blog for Pete's sake).
My iPod pretty much has never functioned to a suitable level and as I've previously stated Apple has terrible customer service; so buying the iPhone from AT&T is like buying Ann Coulter and Dick Cheney's (Jabba the Hutt and Darth Vader's?) love child as far as I'm concerned.
This phone isn't out yet, but I am filled with lust for it. (Which is precisely how I ended up with the world's most useless POS RAZR- meaning that I should know better.) I am seriously looking at the LG Shine (I've had great luck with LG) and the W580i by Sony (which solves the barely working iPod problem nicely) (Yes, two parenthetical sidenotes in a row. Isn't that against the rules? Probably, but that is just how I roll: I also trust Sony to make a durable product as my old Sony TV is old enough to have faux-wood paneling and still works great. Ok, great-ish.).
2. Things that do not mix: Spring Forward and mild hangovers.
3. Due to a series of other people's screw ups I had to be in the office at 6:30 am. You know who is in the office at 6:30 am? Pretty much just me and my burning resentment. Resentment further inflamed by my noting on my un-spring forwarded clock that I was up at 4:30 am.
4. It is funny to me how common place pedicures are. On Saturday I paid a woman $25 to scrub dead skin off of my feet and calves and paint and shape my toenails. A woman who (I'm guessing from her age) probably fled Vietnam in a row boat as a very young woman, with hopes of a better future. A better future scrubbing my toes?
5. I've always prided myself on my lack of complexity. There are no additional layers. I read comics, watch discovery channel, and think poop jokes are funny. I don't catch signals, expressions, or really any non-verbal form of communication more complex than a middle finger.
I know that sounds crazy, as I'm not a complete flaming idiot, but I have spent the majority of my adult life trying to honestly portray who I am with no smoke and mirrors; so I can't tell what other people are doing if they don't just say what they mean or what they're thinking/feeling.
Lately I've been dealing with tricky interpersonal interactions (both in the office and in my personal life) and I'm beginning to think that perhaps having spent more time worrying about appearances would have trained me to be better at people stuff.
Make sense of that- if you can.
Quiana: now 100% more awkward and confusing.
6. Two Quiana-Bucks to the person who can take a guess at the song that I gleefully reference in the Title without Googling it and why.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Confusing Aerial Hand Gestures
Today's Butternut Squash is about leaving people hanging, my new hobby.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Late Breaking Gargoyle Toes News!
Gargoyle Toes is leaving right now.
So let's do some math, got in at 10, minus 1 hour for lunch, leaving at 5....
She worked 6 hours today.
Phew! She must be exhausted.
So let's do some math, got in at 10, minus 1 hour for lunch, leaving at 5....
She worked 6 hours today.
Phew! She must be exhausted.
Postcards from the Public Sector
Item the first: Gargoyle toes arrived at the office today at TEN am. I shit you not.
Item the second: my boss's former boss's adult son (whom I've never met) passed away and his funeral is today. I was not friendly with my boss's former boss.
I get a phone call from the receptionist who got a call from my least favorite coworker asking me to bring forks to the funeral.
I am not lying.
Then when I said that I wasn't going to the funeral the receptionist said, "Well-uh!" As though I am so exasperating because I am not going to my boss's former boss's son's funeral in the middle of a Thursday, in spite of the fact that I never spoke with her and didn't even know she had children.
So what I'm supposed to crash this guy's funeral with a box of embezzled office forks? That would be great.
Item the second: my boss's former boss's adult son (whom I've never met) passed away and his funeral is today. I was not friendly with my boss's former boss.
I get a phone call from the receptionist who got a call from my least favorite coworker asking me to bring forks to the funeral.
I am not lying.
Then when I said that I wasn't going to the funeral the receptionist said, "Well-uh!" As though I am so exasperating because I am not going to my boss's former boss's son's funeral in the middle of a Thursday, in spite of the fact that I never spoke with her and didn't even know she had children.
So what I'm supposed to crash this guy's funeral with a box of embezzled office forks? That would be great.
Kabul Beauty School and Other "Memoirs"
So a while ago I read Kabul Beauty School by Deborah Rodriguez and I really enjoyed it at the time; yet the more I pondered it, the more I became unenamoured with the author. And the more I disliked the author, the more I became suspicious of the veracity of her claims.
Recently NPR had a story about the author and the book, and news has been breaking that this woman is either detached from reality (possible) or a big fat liar. In light of all of the recent 'memoirs' being busted as flat out fiction I'm even more suspicious.
I had been nervous to attend Leigh's book club for the first time last night and give a mixed review of the book, but was utterly relieved when the others agreed. This led to a discussion about whether part of the allure of a memoir is that it is true, or whether all these fake memoirs could have been just as popular if they were released as fictional memoirs instead of non-fiction. We were pretty split on the issue.
My only opinion on the matter is that any memoir that deviates from the truth should be marketed as a separate genre LBOATS (loosely based on a true story). Then everyone is happy. I read an article once saying the Dave Eggers ruined the memoir genre with his loose interpretations of his past. I read his first book, and having read the foreword and publishers notes etc. I was aware that liberties were taken. And I still loved it.
I read a lot of non-fiction and to me the real problem in first person non-fiction writing is that authors tend to include a lot of extraneous detail; as though leaving out details of someone's life will cause hurt feelings. Which they probably would. However, when I'm reading a book I don't want to know the entire back story of every guy on the ship (Thank you very much, Frank Pope). Perhaps this is the best way to tell a fake memoir from a real memoir, just ask yourself, 'am I just a little bit bored?'
Recently NPR had a story about the author and the book, and news has been breaking that this woman is either detached from reality (possible) or a big fat liar. In light of all of the recent 'memoirs' being busted as flat out fiction I'm even more suspicious.
I had been nervous to attend Leigh's book club for the first time last night and give a mixed review of the book, but was utterly relieved when the others agreed. This led to a discussion about whether part of the allure of a memoir is that it is true, or whether all these fake memoirs could have been just as popular if they were released as fictional memoirs instead of non-fiction. We were pretty split on the issue.
My only opinion on the matter is that any memoir that deviates from the truth should be marketed as a separate genre LBOATS (loosely based on a true story). Then everyone is happy. I read an article once saying the Dave Eggers ruined the memoir genre with his loose interpretations of his past. I read his first book, and having read the foreword and publishers notes etc. I was aware that liberties were taken. And I still loved it.
I read a lot of non-fiction and to me the real problem in first person non-fiction writing is that authors tend to include a lot of extraneous detail; as though leaving out details of someone's life will cause hurt feelings. Which they probably would. However, when I'm reading a book I don't want to know the entire back story of every guy on the ship (Thank you very much, Frank Pope). Perhaps this is the best way to tell a fake memoir from a real memoir, just ask yourself, 'am I just a little bit bored?'
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Shhhhhhhhhhh don't tell.
My mind is all aflutter with the unblogable. Sometimes I see the advantage of the anonymous blog.
In the meantime feast your eyes upon this ESPN video.
Especially note the hot Indian cricket guys. RAWR.
In the meantime feast your eyes upon this ESPN video.
Especially note the hot Indian cricket guys. RAWR.
Monday, March 03, 2008
5 Topic Super Ramble
1. A piece of my car fell out of my car door yesterday. Can cars have leprosy? Also is it bad that I just shrugged and threw it in the back seat?
2. Yesterday I bit my lip tripping over either a root or my own feet. I guess all those dance lessons have paid off big time. Today I look like I have herpes. Let's make out! What, no?!?
3. I really need to buy a new phone. I am switching from Verizon to ATT, and have no idea what to purchase. I have done research and I (1) am still completely unable to pick a phone and (2) now feel like an idiot. I have about two weeks to evolve (side note: it took me TWO YEARS to learn predictive texting) and it appears that I need help.
My only two criteria thus far have been:
Do the buttons look like they will fall off and get stuck in my hair?
How much talk time/stand by time can I have?
The previous criteria of: (1) is it pretty and (2) could I accidentally inhale it have been discarded since the last time I purchased a phone. (Thank you RAZR, replaced TWICE while under warranty and a third time later in which I used some very threatening language with a high school kid at the Verizon in the Alderwood Mall, which has probably turned him against all women.)
Advise.
4. I have still not responded to my father’s request to call the house. My photo essay idea feels increasingly immature/crazy and pathetic… although not as pathetic as hiding from my father…. This is how this conversation will go:
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
RING RING!
Step-mother whom I have never met and may be new, but details such as keeping track of my parents’ various spouses have never been high on my list of priorities, or “Marilyn”, as I expect she prefers to be called: Hello.
Me: Hello?
SILENCE.
~the end.~
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
So that will go great. Options:
A. Fake own death.
B. Move to
C. Be a bad person and continue to leave my father and brother hanging like the countless victims of my “I don’t five” campaign against confusing aerial hand gestures.
D. Send the photo-essay that does not give much impression of who I am OR make a better one- either way risk seeming completely insane.
E. Man up and call. Then (1) find rock, (2) crawl under.
5. Today is one of those days at work where I am daydreaming of the private sector as my computer has crashed approximately five (trillion) times, my Outlook is on the fritz, and whatever the heating device “controls” the climate in my building is not working and I am typing this with batman-gloved fingers and a space heater under my desk on the space heater equivalent of ‘11’, coming dangerously close to setting my slacks on fire.
The Texas Dildo Massacre
Slate story about challenges to ridiculous Texas morality laws.
I feel very strongly that I should be the boss of my own hooha.
And as far as I am concerned, so long as you are not a danger to others you can cram a ham sandwich up there, for all I care (though we here at SUC do not recommend it.) Just don't forward me the pix.
I think a fun approach to this law would be to open a store that sells an assortment of non-specific items one could misappropriate. I'm thinking "Crazy Al's Banana, Washing Machine, Back Massager, and Melon Emporium."
I feel very strongly that I should be the boss of my own hooha.
And as far as I am concerned, so long as you are not a danger to others you can cram a ham sandwich up there, for all I care (though we here at SUC do not recommend it.) Just don't forward me the pix.
I think a fun approach to this law would be to open a store that sells an assortment of non-specific items one could misappropriate. I'm thinking "Crazy Al's Banana, Washing Machine, Back Massager, and Melon Emporium."
Friday, February 29, 2008
More destrucation!
National Geographic Channel (aka the channel I most wish I had) is airing Aftermath: Population Zero, a special along the lines of Life After People (aka Hoover Dam Fetish Show), March 9th at 8pm.
Hey, uhm, do you get NG Channel? Need a new friend? Pick me, pick me!
I have no idea why I need to watch APZ & LAP and then read World Without Us too; I guess I can't get enough wanton destruction.
Hey, uhm, do you get NG Channel? Need a new friend? Pick me, pick me!
I have no idea why I need to watch APZ & LAP and then read World Without Us too; I guess I can't get enough wanton destruction.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Me vs that girl you think you know.
I have now had 3 people tell me that they can't believe that I didn't like Juno that much.
Fine, I'm a pretentious music listening, thrift store shopping, Michael Cera adorer, so maybe this should be right up my alley? I can buy that as reasoning. However this is NOT the proffered reasoning.
The reason that these people think I should love Juno is that I am just like her.
Worse than that, I have been told that maybe they liked the character Juno because she reminded them of me.
I know that being smart and spunky and full of music references should be complimentary... and yet I do not like it at all.
Not one little bit.
Fine, I'm a pretentious music listening, thrift store shopping, Michael Cera adorer, so maybe this should be right up my alley? I can buy that as reasoning. However this is NOT the proffered reasoning.
The reason that these people think I should love Juno is that I am just like her.
Worse than that, I have been told that maybe they liked the character Juno because she reminded them of me.
I know that being smart and spunky and full of music references should be complimentary... and yet I do not like it at all.
Not one little bit.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Filler Onegaishimasu: Hairy Tub Man Edition
Uhm. I'm boring. Here watch this and I will come up something rambly and incoherent later.
Monday, February 25, 2008
I told you he was hot, but you didn't believe me.
Javier Bardem
In No Country for Old Men, totally not hot:
In real life, totally hot:
*sigh* Some androgynous statues have all the luck.
Pictures shamelessly liberated from BWE, who would never sue me, because that is simply not how they roll.
In No Country for Old Men, totally not hot:
In real life, totally hot:
*sigh* Some androgynous statues have all the luck.
Pictures shamelessly liberated from BWE, who would never sue me, because that is simply not how they roll.
Making posts out of nothing at all.
I got a couple of great new CDs: Once (Soundtrack) and Mike Doughty's Golden Delicious. I am revelling in fantastic new music. I miss buying music all the time. I've decided to go back to buying more music, even though it is costly. I will pile them on the floor and roll around in amazing noise!
------
I had a date on Friday, with that tricky young man and the long and short of it is that he is a wily bastard and if I am not carefully I will find myself disoriented in Vegas with a ring on my finger.
You see, I had a plan. A plan to make him not like me. It failed.
Miserably.
I wanted to bring up ex's, marriage, politics, religion, my family, and in spite of the fact that looked at my phone 4 times, he was not discouraged.
At the end of the date, nestled in a crowd of people waiting for tables, he asked if he could take me out again. I notified him that that is a violation of the rules; and then I said sure, because people were looking at me like, 'you are a bitch'.
So I guess now I have to dodge his phone calls for the next week until I'm in the clear. If he doesn't leave a voicemail I won't call him back. If he does I'll wait 4 days and then be too busy to hang out with him.
If this doesn't work, I will registering for a Kitchen Aid stand mixer and new baking dishes from Crate & Barrel- so cross your fingers. Or it'll cost ya.
-------------
Saturday Paul & I checked out the AMC Best Picture movie marathon in Kent. Starting at 11 am:
Michael Clayton- which I had thought I would have no interest in, but it was incredible and certainly the best narrative film. My favorite of the bunch. I loved the conditional morality and it reminded me in some ways of Wall Street. American capitalism gone mad. 5 out of 5 monkeys.
There Will Be Blood- was very well made. It was a character or maybe mood piece and the acting was amazing, but at the end I was left with a meh sort of 'well that was a movie wherein nothing happened'. I guess there was no standard story structure and it bugged me. 4 out of 5 monkeys for being diverting and having such great acting.
Atonement- I read (see skimmed) the book, so I cheated. The movie was quite good. The costuming and cinematography were excellent. Paul and I were impressed by the casting. 5 out of 5 monkeys.
Juno- I am a killjoy, and while I laughed, I felt like it was overworked, with Juno's every sentence crammed tight with flippant talk and music likings that were pretentious and a bit out of character. So intentionally aiming for that youthful indie audience. Bleh. I still liked it- but I could never love it. 4 out of 5 monkeys.
No Country for Old Men- I also read this (although I didn't spend a lot of brain on it). It was a better movie than a book. It was done very well, but it also did not have a standard narrative format. There was a collective groan and boo when the movie ended. It was very good through. 5 out of 5 monkeys.
------
I had a date on Friday, with that tricky young man and the long and short of it is that he is a wily bastard and if I am not carefully I will find myself disoriented in Vegas with a ring on my finger.
You see, I had a plan. A plan to make him not like me. It failed.
Miserably.
I wanted to bring up ex's, marriage, politics, religion, my family, and in spite of the fact that looked at my phone 4 times, he was not discouraged.
At the end of the date, nestled in a crowd of people waiting for tables, he asked if he could take me out again. I notified him that that is a violation of the rules; and then I said sure, because people were looking at me like, 'you are a bitch'.
So I guess now I have to dodge his phone calls for the next week until I'm in the clear. If he doesn't leave a voicemail I won't call him back. If he does I'll wait 4 days and then be too busy to hang out with him.
If this doesn't work, I will registering for a Kitchen Aid stand mixer and new baking dishes from Crate & Barrel- so cross your fingers. Or it'll cost ya.
-------------
Saturday Paul & I checked out the AMC Best Picture movie marathon in Kent. Starting at 11 am:
Michael Clayton- which I had thought I would have no interest in, but it was incredible and certainly the best narrative film. My favorite of the bunch. I loved the conditional morality and it reminded me in some ways of Wall Street. American capitalism gone mad. 5 out of 5 monkeys.
There Will Be Blood- was very well made. It was a character or maybe mood piece and the acting was amazing, but at the end I was left with a meh sort of 'well that was a movie wherein nothing happened'. I guess there was no standard story structure and it bugged me. 4 out of 5 monkeys for being diverting and having such great acting.
Atonement- I read (see skimmed) the book, so I cheated. The movie was quite good. The costuming and cinematography were excellent. Paul and I were impressed by the casting. 5 out of 5 monkeys.
Juno- I am a killjoy, and while I laughed, I felt like it was overworked, with Juno's every sentence crammed tight with flippant talk and music likings that were pretentious and a bit out of character. So intentionally aiming for that youthful indie audience. Bleh. I still liked it- but I could never love it. 4 out of 5 monkeys.
No Country for Old Men- I also read this (although I didn't spend a lot of brain on it). It was a better movie than a book. It was done very well, but it also did not have a standard narrative format. There was a collective groan and boo when the movie ended. It was very good through. 5 out of 5 monkeys.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Damn it! I know math, you jerk!
Last night I stopped to get gas at my regular station. My car wasn't empty, at a hair under a quarter of a tank, in fact my gas light was not on; but I knew I wouldn't feel like getting gas this weekend.
It was taking a really long time and when I wandered over to the pump I noted that it said that I had put 15 gallons of gas in my tank and was still going till I stopped it.
My tank only holds approximately 15 gallons.
Figuring that I started with at least 2 gallons (probably more), it should have stopped at 13 at the most.
So I went inside and explained the situation and got the manager's number.
Today I called him and he told me that it is "impossible".
Is it possible that he doesn't know what 'impossible' means? I'm guessing yes. He told me that they just had their yearly inspection, but he would check the pump. But he spoke to me in the way that communicated that he thinks I'm a complete idiot.
If my gas had been low when I got to the station, I would shrug it off, but this seems weird to me. I've never gotten to 15 gallons at any pump and I have run my car very close to completely empty a couple of times. Once quite recently in fact.
Now, obviously gas gauges are inaccurate and fuel tank capacities are approximate, but is it even possible that they could that far off? I know that there is space in a tank for gas vapors to accumulate and that if you were topping your car off, you could encroach on that space, but could that happen when you are not topping off?
It was taking a really long time and when I wandered over to the pump I noted that it said that I had put 15 gallons of gas in my tank and was still going till I stopped it.
My tank only holds approximately 15 gallons.
Figuring that I started with at least 2 gallons (probably more), it should have stopped at 13 at the most.
So I went inside and explained the situation and got the manager's number.
Today I called him and he told me that it is "impossible".
Is it possible that he doesn't know what 'impossible' means? I'm guessing yes. He told me that they just had their yearly inspection, but he would check the pump. But he spoke to me in the way that communicated that he thinks I'm a complete idiot.
If my gas had been low when I got to the station, I would shrug it off, but this seems weird to me. I've never gotten to 15 gallons at any pump and I have run my car very close to completely empty a couple of times. Once quite recently in fact.
Now, obviously gas gauges are inaccurate and fuel tank capacities are approximate, but is it even possible that they could that far off? I know that there is space in a tank for gas vapors to accumulate and that if you were topping your car off, you could encroach on that space, but could that happen when you are not topping off?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
If you are missing my incoherent ramblings
this post is for you!
1. (I'm going to get into trouble for this but...) I was at a dinner party last week and twice this kind of snotty fellow commented on my wit or word choice. Sometimes when someone compliments you it comes out like an insult, e.g. "You are twice as pretty as Roseanne Bar."
So whether or not it was intended (and I believe it was) to me the compliments sounded like, "Wow, you can string words together into coherence, which, just by looking at you, I had not expected."
Now I don't know if it is because I'm a girl, or because I had a low cut shirt, or because I am not painfully horrible to look at, but the bottom line was that in contrast to his expectation, I was not a *complete* idiot.
Which is awesome. Don't worry, annoying party guy, you look *exactly* as I expect smart guy to look.
2. After finding out that I actually know people that have been snubbed by eharmony I decided to try their 'personality quiz'. While apparently I could find "matches," I am incredulous of the concept of asking people to rate their attractiveness or stylishness, their honesty or selflessness. I wonder if women rate themselves as less attractive than they are and men higher. If honest people mark themselves as less honest. And selfless people as selfish.
Furthermore, I think the thing that struck me the most is that I had no idea if I was stylish, sexy, or beautiful. That I could not pick a number to represent me, because in spite of all my former exploits, all the accusations of pheromones, and all the pricey handbags, I can not see myself as stylish, sexy, or beautiful. I can recognize that I am slightly better than your average Walmart shoppers, but compared to my friends in my peer group I'm rough, fat, and utterly unstylish.
Additionally, eharmony asks me questions that I have a hard time answering without sounding crazy, e.g. "Quiana, what are you passionate about?"
Justice? Ethics? Living a life that I can be proud of? The dangers of raccoons?
In the end I wrote "cookies." Cookies and the loved ones to whom I feed cookies.
3. Speaking of cookies, my dad emailed me weeks ago. And I held out on you guys, because I was completely panicked.
I guess he googled me, and got my work email. I don't know if it was my googling him, or if it was coincidence, or if he reads this blog. But I feel as though my humiliating and weak moment summonsed him ala satan.
He emailed me and asked how I was, what I was doing. And I replied, politely. But then he asked me to call him, or my brother. And I haven't. I think because I can't. I physically can't.
But ignoring a parent does not make them go away. And time has made me a far better person, so what right do I have to judge someone for decades old acts? And my brother has done nothing to justify cutting him out of my life.
So I want to email him back with a link to a different blog. A blog that I am creating to show my dad and brother who I am. To be distant and safe.
You tell me, is a briefly annotated photo essay a cold/bad/crazy way to communicate with estranged relatives? Or is it crazy brilliant?
And should I pull unfavorable posts about my dad from the blog? Because maybe it is mean to say unfavorable things about someone to everyone in the world?
1. (I'm going to get into trouble for this but...) I was at a dinner party last week and twice this kind of snotty fellow commented on my wit or word choice. Sometimes when someone compliments you it comes out like an insult, e.g. "You are twice as pretty as Roseanne Bar."
So whether or not it was intended (and I believe it was) to me the compliments sounded like, "Wow, you can string words together into coherence, which, just by looking at you, I had not expected."
Now I don't know if it is because I'm a girl, or because I had a low cut shirt, or because I am not painfully horrible to look at, but the bottom line was that in contrast to his expectation, I was not a *complete* idiot.
Which is awesome. Don't worry, annoying party guy, you look *exactly* as I expect smart guy to look.
2. After finding out that I actually know people that have been snubbed by eharmony I decided to try their 'personality quiz'. While apparently I could find "matches," I am incredulous of the concept of asking people to rate their attractiveness or stylishness, their honesty or selflessness. I wonder if women rate themselves as less attractive than they are and men higher. If honest people mark themselves as less honest. And selfless people as selfish.
Furthermore, I think the thing that struck me the most is that I had no idea if I was stylish, sexy, or beautiful. That I could not pick a number to represent me, because in spite of all my former exploits, all the accusations of pheromones, and all the pricey handbags, I can not see myself as stylish, sexy, or beautiful. I can recognize that I am slightly better than your average Walmart shoppers, but compared to my friends in my peer group I'm rough, fat, and utterly unstylish.
Additionally, eharmony asks me questions that I have a hard time answering without sounding crazy, e.g. "Quiana, what are you passionate about?"
Justice? Ethics? Living a life that I can be proud of? The dangers of raccoons?
In the end I wrote "cookies." Cookies and the loved ones to whom I feed cookies.
3. Speaking of cookies, my dad emailed me weeks ago. And I held out on you guys, because I was completely panicked.
I guess he googled me, and got my work email. I don't know if it was my googling him, or if it was coincidence, or if he reads this blog. But I feel as though my humiliating and weak moment summonsed him ala satan.
He emailed me and asked how I was, what I was doing. And I replied, politely. But then he asked me to call him, or my brother. And I haven't. I think because I can't. I physically can't.
But ignoring a parent does not make them go away. And time has made me a far better person, so what right do I have to judge someone for decades old acts? And my brother has done nothing to justify cutting him out of my life.
So I want to email him back with a link to a different blog. A blog that I am creating to show my dad and brother who I am. To be distant and safe.
You tell me, is a briefly annotated photo essay a cold/bad/crazy way to communicate with estranged relatives? Or is it crazy brilliant?
And should I pull unfavorable posts about my dad from the blog? Because maybe it is mean to say unfavorable things about someone to everyone in the world?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The Most Boring LARP Ever.
Yesterday someone googled "'this american life' LARP" and got to SUC.
This is the kind of LARP that I would like. I call dibs on Sarah Vowell.
I'm afraid that some sort of fight will break out over who gets to be Dan Savage, David Sedaris, and Ira Glass; but this is what happens when you have some hot NPR LARPing.
This is how I see this going. Picture Steve in a suit and glasses, sitting at a desk under a dilapidated overpass.... "Hello, this is Ira Glass. Uh... today I talked to some American Lady, it was uh poignant and touching, and by that I mean touching POOP!"
Imagine me flouncing in, dressed as Sarah Vowell, dressed as Mary Todd Lincoln.
"Damn it Steve you're ruining everything! Next time you have to be Tory Malatia!"
"WHAT!?!" declares Steve standing up from the desk to reveal he is not wearing pants, "Poop jokes are always funny, there is never a poop joke that isn't funny."
Addy, dressed as Dan Savage, toting a one-eyed stuffed toy poodle, dejectedly weeps at her bad taste in men.
THE END!
Now just imagine a Car Talk LARP.
This is the kind of LARP that I would like. I call dibs on Sarah Vowell.
I'm afraid that some sort of fight will break out over who gets to be Dan Savage, David Sedaris, and Ira Glass; but this is what happens when you have some hot NPR LARPing.
This is how I see this going. Picture Steve in a suit and glasses, sitting at a desk under a dilapidated overpass.... "Hello, this is Ira Glass. Uh... today I talked to some American Lady, it was uh poignant and touching, and by that I mean touching POOP!"
Imagine me flouncing in, dressed as Sarah Vowell, dressed as Mary Todd Lincoln.
"Damn it Steve you're ruining everything! Next time you have to be Tory Malatia!"
"WHAT!?!" declares Steve standing up from the desk to reveal he is not wearing pants, "Poop jokes are always funny, there is never a poop joke that isn't funny."
Addy, dressed as Dan Savage, toting a one-eyed stuffed toy poodle, dejectedly weeps at her bad taste in men.
THE END!
Now just imagine a Car Talk LARP.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Friday, February 15, 2008
Angry Quiana! Quiana SMASH!
At Halliburton/KBR, sexual assault is just part of the workplace experience for women
The link above is to a news story about two women who were sexually assaulted by coworkers in Iraq who are not being allowed to take their attackers to court because they signed a binding contract stating that they would submit to arbitration in 'these matters.'
If this were me I would assume that walking up to my former attackers and shooting them would be an ok form of arbitration.
Since none of us can exactly boycott KBR, I think the only thing that we can do is get this story to stay in the news and on the minds of Americans. So tell your friends about this. Tell your elected officials. They should be angry. I know I am.
The link above is to a news story about two women who were sexually assaulted by coworkers in Iraq who are not being allowed to take their attackers to court because they signed a binding contract stating that they would submit to arbitration in 'these matters.'
If this were me I would assume that walking up to my former attackers and shooting them would be an ok form of arbitration.
Since none of us can exactly boycott KBR, I think the only thing that we can do is get this story to stay in the news and on the minds of Americans. So tell your friends about this. Tell your elected officials. They should be angry. I know I am.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
What is more pathetic than watching Veronica Mars on Valentine's Day?
Reading comics and watching This Old House while eating a cinnamon roll in bed in sweats. RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRRR! Still single!
Anyway, I've been pondering posting the occasional poem. I've always been fond of this particular poem- though almost everyone I know hates it. But it is my blog so nya.
Robert Creeley's Eros
Also the headache of
to do right by feeling
it don't matter, etc.
But otherwise it was one, or even two
the space of, felt
and one night I said to her, do you
and she didn't.
Anyway, I've been pondering posting the occasional poem. I've always been fond of this particular poem- though almost everyone I know hates it. But it is my blog so nya.
(Please don't sue me.)
So here it is:Robert Creeley's Eros
Also the headache of
to do right by feeling
it don't matter, etc.
But otherwise it was one, or even two
the space of, felt
and one night I said to her, do you
and she didn't.
Happy Valentine's Day!
What are my hot Valentine's Day plans? Well, Veronica Mars and I have a date to eat delicious cookies and takeout and maybe paint my toenails.
Eat your hearts out smoochy couple types!
And now here is some thieved Valentine's Day content:
What Do These Valentine Gifts Tell You About the Gift-Giver? By Dan @ ShoeboxBlog.
Candy: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Teddy Bear: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Lingerie: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Dinner at a fancy restaurant: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Tickets to a show: Someone wants to have sex with you!
If you’re reading this right now: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Eat your hearts out smoochy couple types!
And now here is some thieved Valentine's Day content:
What Do These Valentine Gifts Tell You About the Gift-Giver? By Dan @ ShoeboxBlog.
Candy: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Teddy Bear: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Lingerie: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Dinner at a fancy restaurant: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Tickets to a show: Someone wants to have sex with you!
If you’re reading this right now: Someone wants to have sex with you!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Filler Onegaishimasu: Giant Nut Edition
Guess who is still sick and disgusting? Yup, me.
Hence no good posts. If you guys want I can tell you all about what is happening on TV and in National Geographic, but my guess is that you would rather just have a bit of filler. So, hey look! It's filler! Filler with HUGE nuts!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Random me-ness.
I am quite nervous about my health and will be making an appointment to get into the doctor's office tomorrow morning (I've been motion sick and had pain in my ears and through for a few days). Hopefully, I can complete the necessary work at the office, go to the doctor's, and go home early, because my throat is swollen and I deeply desire to sleep and not talk or have to swallow. Perhaps this is the zombie plague I've been fearing. If so, watch out because I am hungry.
The wedding, which was not without trauma, went really well today thanks to the good attitude of all involved and I think that I successfully hid the extent of my illness from the happy couple, but I think I will collapse at any moment. I pray that this wedding will conclude my long and varied bridesmaiding career.
In weird news: I agreed to go out with a MUCH younger man on the grounds that he gave me no option, which is very sneaky. Men: to throw off a chick say, "I think you should let me take you out sometime, so what's your number?" As you can see this is not a yes or no question. So I gave him my number, but I still feel like I should be able to call shenanigans.
Anyway, I'm off to bed and perhaps I will wake up refreshed and miraculously well?
The wedding, which was not without trauma, went really well today thanks to the good attitude of all involved and I think that I successfully hid the extent of my illness from the happy couple, but I think I will collapse at any moment. I pray that this wedding will conclude my long and varied bridesmaiding career.
In weird news: I agreed to go out with a MUCH younger man on the grounds that he gave me no option, which is very sneaky. Men: to throw off a chick say, "I think you should let me take you out sometime, so what's your number?" As you can see this is not a yes or no question. So I gave him my number, but I still feel like I should be able to call shenanigans.
Anyway, I'm off to bed and perhaps I will wake up refreshed and miraculously well?
Friday, February 08, 2008
Quick Thoughts
1. Last week I dreamt that I was sitting with Dean Kamen on his private island and we were discussing (read kind of arguing) about the Segway, which we were referring to as Ginger, which any nerd will understand. Anyway and finally I bellowed, “Dude [yes I totally called Dean Kamen ‘dude’] Ginger will never revolutionize human transport until it is light enough for me to lift!”
2. Yesterday I had a dream inspired by a cat macro. This is because I am nuts. This is the macro via cuteoverload.com:
This is the dream:
I was on the run from someone and I was with some kid and Addy [hi Addy!] and we needed a house so I used my mammoth amounts of spare cash to purchase a giant brownstone in some decrepit neighborhood. And I bought it because it had a solarium, and in same said solarium was a fat gray cat.
3. I am a bridesmaid in my friend Bonnie’s wedding and the rehearsal dinner was last night, and I noticed that the mother of the bride was sitting on her own. So, for once a tiny kernel of pity welled up in my heart and I went over and said “So are you excited?” and she said, “No.”
Now the twist in the story is that I didn’t give her the back of my hand.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Screw you NPR!
You totally ruined the end of Season Three of Lost. I have scrupulously avoided all discussions, commercials, and blogs involving Lost. But I did not even suspect that you, NPR would be the one to utterly ruin the end of season three for me.
There you were buzzing in the background about Obama and then whammo in less than 40 seconds, you dropped a HUGE Lost spoiler. And by that I mean you outlined the entire end of season three before I even realized what you were talking about. If only I had paid more attention, I would have realized you were talking about Lost before you explicitly said what had happened in the season finale. But I can't blame myself. This is your ass-clownery NPR!
And on today, of all days, when Jim and I had plans to watch another few episodes. Another precious few that we have been parsing out to enjoy the delicious suspense.
You bastards! I curse you, NPR, I curse you to hell!!!!
There you were buzzing in the background about Obama and then whammo in less than 40 seconds, you dropped a HUGE Lost spoiler. And by that I mean you outlined the entire end of season three before I even realized what you were talking about. If only I had paid more attention, I would have realized you were talking about Lost before you explicitly said what had happened in the season finale. But I can't blame myself. This is your ass-clownery NPR!
And on today, of all days, when Jim and I had plans to watch another few episodes. Another precious few that we have been parsing out to enjoy the delicious suspense.
You bastards! I curse you, NPR, I curse you to hell!!!!
In which Quiana does not make friends...
and also probably does not influence people.
So the coroner's report is out on Heath Ledger and I just have to say that there is no way that a reasonable person would think that mixing OxyContin (painkiller), Valium (anti-anxiety/insomnia), Xanax (anti-depresent), Restoril (sedative/anti-isnomnia), Unisom (sleep aid), and ibuprofen would be a brilliant plan. That is the act of an addict or someone in extremely poor mental health.
I'm not a pharmacist, but my guess was that if one pharmacy or doctor was handling all these prescriptions, someone there would have flagged him with a warning. This is why should should always use the same physician's practice and the same pharmacy.
I don't believe that Ledger killed himself on purpose, but saying that this is some tragic accident is ludicrous. Being killed in a plane crash is a tragic accident; I believe the name for this is cause and effect. This isn't some rare incident. Homemade prescription drug cocktails will kill you.
And I am ticked off and I shouldn't write it, but I want to add that after oxycodone, the ibuprofin is a bit ridiculous.
So the coroner's report is out on Heath Ledger and I just have to say that there is no way that a reasonable person would think that mixing OxyContin (painkiller), Valium (anti-anxiety/insomnia), Xanax (anti-depresent), Restoril (sedative/anti-isnomnia), Unisom (sleep aid), and ibuprofen would be a brilliant plan. That is the act of an addict or someone in extremely poor mental health.
I'm not a pharmacist, but my guess was that if one pharmacy or doctor was handling all these prescriptions, someone there would have flagged him with a warning. This is why should should always use the same physician's practice and the same pharmacy.
I don't believe that Ledger killed himself on purpose, but saying that this is some tragic accident is ludicrous. Being killed in a plane crash is a tragic accident; I believe the name for this is cause and effect. This isn't some rare incident. Homemade prescription drug cocktails will kill you.
And I am ticked off and I shouldn't write it, but I want to add that after oxycodone, the ibuprofin is a bit ridiculous.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Dean Kamen, are you hitting on me?
I'm just going to assume that every time you do something awesome, such as inventing a prosthetic arm based upon Luke Skywalker's prosthetic arm, that you are totally flirting.
Dean Kamen, isn't it time for a midlife crisis girlfriend? Call me!
Thanks for the link, Drew.
Dean Kamen, isn't it time for a midlife crisis girlfriend? Call me!
Thanks for the link, Drew.
Monday, February 04, 2008
sniff sniff snuffle snuffle cough HONK!
So, still sick. Went into the office for two and a half hours and left.
Now I am home and starting some delicious chili, to cook all day, so that I can sleep until 6pm.
Couldn't find Tylenol PM anywhere (fine, I only tried Top Foods) and I took Nyquil last night and I am convinced that it caused sleep apnea. Which is scary shit.
So, I'm going back to sleep soon, without the Nyquil which may or may not (probably the latter) make me sometimes forget to breathe.
But before I go I just want to say that Chris told me a homeless man is sleeping under the stairs of my apartment and I am very unhappy about this situation and my solution is to go out the back door from here on out.
Back door: now with %100 less hobos. And you can take that however you want, because I am sick and going to bed and don't have time to deal with you now, you big pervert.
Now I am home and starting some delicious chili, to cook all day, so that I can sleep until 6pm.
Couldn't find Tylenol PM anywhere (fine, I only tried Top Foods) and I took Nyquil last night and I am convinced that it caused sleep apnea. Which is scary shit.
So, I'm going back to sleep soon, without the Nyquil which may or may not (probably the latter) make me sometimes forget to breathe.
But before I go I just want to say that Chris told me a homeless man is sleeping under the stairs of my apartment and I am very unhappy about this situation and my solution is to go out the back door from here on out.
Back door: now with %100 less hobos. And you can take that however you want, because I am sick and going to bed and don't have time to deal with you now, you big pervert.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Now with even more of the sexy!
So my sore throat has progressed from truck stop lady voice to fine sounding voice if you are into huge coughing phlegm fits of doom. Last night I woke up from slumber at 3 and proceeded to cough so hard I ran to the bathroom, afraid I was going to hurl. I have done this twice this morning.
I was going to go into to work but a brief glimpse in the mirror was enough to convince me that I needed to stay home some more. Which is a huge shame, as I was all set to attend a hot-tub, fondue, Groundhog's Day party tomorrow night, but communal food and chemical fumes are probably not a great idea for a few days yet. Hopefully I'll be up and moving by Sunday because I refuse to miss two excellent eating occasions in a row.
Additionally, I'm running super-slowly right now as I'm sick, but I am still super bored. I've been mostly sleeping so that is fine, but holy cow! When they say that there is nothing on TV during the day, it is completely false. There is a ton of shit on TV. Today I've watched a show where they make people over so they appear younger and skinnier, the news, three cooking shows and a documentary on Croatia. *tears of anguish* At least I can enjoy working my way through my mammoth stack of unread comics.
But what I really desire (besides ice cream and cinnamon rolls and nachos) is human interaction. Hopefully I can trick some of you healthies into hanging out with me (read lounging around + snacks) tomorrow to relieve me of my solitude. This completely destroys my personal goal/fantasy of becoming a hermit.
In other news, I am running out of food and clean clothes. Hey, please come over, there is no food and my clothes are filthy. Sounds awesome right? What? No?
ps- The owner of the good cheesesteak place I mention a while ago was gunned down by some local troublemaker who wanted to sell drugs in his restaurant. I am pretty sad about it. Thanks, The News.
OK less blog writing, more phlegm hacking!
I was going to go into to work but a brief glimpse in the mirror was enough to convince me that I needed to stay home some more. Which is a huge shame, as I was all set to attend a hot-tub, fondue, Groundhog's Day party tomorrow night, but communal food and chemical fumes are probably not a great idea for a few days yet. Hopefully I'll be up and moving by Sunday because I refuse to miss two excellent eating occasions in a row.
Additionally, I'm running super-slowly right now as I'm sick, but I am still super bored. I've been mostly sleeping so that is fine, but holy cow! When they say that there is nothing on TV during the day, it is completely false. There is a ton of shit on TV. Today I've watched a show where they make people over so they appear younger and skinnier, the news, three cooking shows and a documentary on Croatia. *tears of anguish* At least I can enjoy working my way through my mammoth stack of unread comics.
But what I really desire (besides ice cream and cinnamon rolls and nachos) is human interaction. Hopefully I can trick some of you healthies into hanging out with me (read lounging around + snacks) tomorrow to relieve me of my solitude. This completely destroys my personal goal/fantasy of becoming a hermit.
In other news, I am running out of food and clean clothes. Hey, please come over, there is no food and my clothes are filthy. Sounds awesome right? What? No?
ps- The owner of the good cheesesteak place I mention a while ago was gunned down by some local troublemaker who wanted to sell drugs in his restaurant. I am pretty sad about it. Thanks, The News.
OK less blog writing, more phlegm hacking!
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