Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Ann Coulter is a pig.

Here is an illustration:

Actually, Ann Coulter, you are not a pig. From swine comes bacon. All you make is headaches and hypocrisy. I heard you say once that your favorite book was the Bible. I take it that you use those thin pages for toilet paper. Oh Ann, if I hated you any more you would actually spontaneously combust.

Coulter's words help Edwards raise cash

Excerpts from article:

In March, she called Edwards a "faggot" and the campaign used video of the comment to help raise $300,000 before the end of the first quarter.

Coulter on ABC's "Good Morning America," where she said Monday that she wished Edwards would be killed by terrorists.

Edwards pointed out that Coulter's attacks haven't been limited to him, but also included his rivals for the Democratic presidential nomination. Coulter has made fun of
Hillary Rodham Clinton's legs and compared Barack Obama to terrorists because his middle name is Hussein.

Sometimes you just need some Pygmy Hippo

I know I do.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Nature attacking electoral system!

Wa Woman Registers Her Dog to Vote
Duncan M. MacDonald is a fraud! Also a stupid name for a dog.

Starts with an 'S' and rhymes with 'ducks'... aptly describing my life

News of the Quiana.

1. My Great Grand Grandmother (the nice one) passed away Thursday night. I know it is for the best since she was very sick. But I am flooded with surprising emotions. Not the least of which is extreme dread of the funeral etc. which may be rife with awkward family interactions. In the Tri-Cities. BLECH. This dread is also infusing my life with a slightly greater than usual twinge of guilt and regret. hooray.

2. My rent is going up. Now I either have to move or be prepared to pay $675 for a less than 400 square foot apartment with limited on-street parking (which I only wanted to live in when it was a $600 apartment next to the lake I used to run daily until I hurt myself running). If I move I have to: a. actually physically lift my junk; b. probably move to the burbs where I will pay slightly more for twice the space, unlimited parking, a shortened commute... but will then live in the burbs where there is no place to eat and nothing to do.... OR get a roommate; c. I will have to go apartment hunting; d. I will have to borrow money from my family to pay the starting costs of a new apartment until I get my deposit back and my final month's pay check; d. talk people into helping me physically carry my junk; e. buy a new couch and lamps and table; f. somehow adapt to change; and g. deal with my growing comic collection.

3. A close friend was scheduled to come into town over the last weekend and while I won't go into detail, I was very hurt by the way she made tons of plans with someone else and then added me as a last minute after-thought after having asked me to clear my schedule to hang out with her. Note: I got essentially stood up the same day I found out my grandma died and my rent was going up.

In less depressing Quiana news:
I took my cousin to see Disney's Meet the Robinsons at the cheap theater and it was very good. I can't believe it flopped! 5 monkeys and two special endorsements, one for involving Tom Selleck and the other for making me laugh so hard I cried.

A large group of us went to see 1408 yesterday and I thought it was pretty good. Ghost movies are a really overdone genre; so I thought that considering that, 1408 was very good. 3.5 monkeys.

No monkeys (or perhaps many monkeys throwing poo) for the tweeners who sat in front of us and yakked (until my uncle Brad told them to shut up) and texted (in spite of my vicious kicking) through the whole damn movie. Yes, it was asshole day at the movies.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Suicide Squirrels Turn to Arson

Squirrels repeatedly "accidentally" set man's house on fire. Yea right.
I feel like we are taking this threat less seriously than the situation warrants. These homicidal rodents are out to fuck us up and they are willing to pay the ultimate price.

It is pictures like the one below (featured on Cute Overload) that lure us into a false sense of rodent security. We cannot let Nature's propaganda machine influence us. Obviously this picture has been doctored.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Thought of the Day: Pig and Monkey Edition

1. Ways I could get rich:
-Old men have needs too... or so I hear.
-Slip and fall at Macy's, sue.
-Be prescribed allergy meds, grow third eye, sue.
-Fake own death for life insurance.
-Grave rob?
-Get knocked up by celebrity. Extort.
-Find buried treasure.
-Online adult film entrepreneur.

2. Things that are similar to Christmas:
Paris Hilton in Jail.
Paris Hilton put back in jail.

3. Last night I sat down and sorted the 1.5 foot tall pile of comics that I need to catch up on and now I am EXHAUSTED and the floor of my tiny studio apartment is covered in piles of comics. That being said, some of my favorite comics are reaching their end and if I catch up soon I will have (almost) no books with pictures (GASP). Let me know if you have any snazzy recommendations.

4. My high school reunion is next year and I have done nothing with myself. Quick! Someone give me an idea on how to make myself impressive in 12 months or less!

5. Today irritating coworker was condescending to the point that she (literally) patted me on the head and called me "honey." I refrained from saying, "I'll cut you." But only just.

6. I'm trying to think of amusing stories to but on this here blog. You can make suggestions. That's always good. No pressure. Really. But you could.

7. I typed bacon monkey into Google Images and got the following. I consider this funny. You should consider yourself warned.

Sewing with Swine

Instructions for the creation of a Bacon Place Mat. Can also be used to make a bacon bowl.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

VH1 why must you bring such shame into my home?!

Garbage I will happily watch:

America's Most Smartest Model
Models compete to be the complete package (Ha! I wrote package): looks and competive mean-spiritedness. I mean looks and brains. Yes, that's it....

Scott Baio is 45 ... and Single
Bob Loblaw confronts all the girls he's loved before to find what was wrong with him.
*Hint: Chachi!
(Ha! I wrote Chachi!)

Via Best Week Ever.

More useless news bits! Hooray!

Japan changes name of Iwo Jima
Japan has now officialy not really changed the name of Iwo Jima. Apparently the desolate and mainly uninhabited island was always known as Iwo To, but someone in the Japanese war department jacked up the pronunciation back in WWII (easy to do as the characters can be read either way).
Now they are ordering that the correct pronunciation be written on maps.
The rest of the world's response: "who cares?"

Man Says Salad Stolen From Refrigerator
You may file the above story under 'Recipes Quiana Would Like.' A salad that good eh? That would certainly show those smug bitches at the office potluck!

Take that, Nature!

Man strangles rabid bobcat
62 year old man named "Rippy" rips Nature a new one.

Squirrel Catapult is Awful, Yet We Can't Look Away
Squirrel catapult teaches rodents how to fly third class.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Like smuggling chocolate into Belgium.

According to this article, some guys got caught smuggling snakes INTO Australia.

Seriously, who was concerned that Australia doesn't have enough snakes?

Furthermore, who thought this was a good idea?
















Now it will be full cavity searches for all garden gnomes coming through customs. Haven't gnomes suffered enough? Perhaps we should look to the Gnome Liberation Front for assistance.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Thought of the Day: Useless and Dirty Version

1. Recently coined euphemism for anal sex:
“The road less travelled.”
And by recently coined, I mean Steve and I came up with this in order to sound genteel when we mock people.

2. Have you guys heard about the teaching student who was kicked out of school right before graduation because of her Myspace page content? Here's an article about this.
This is precisely why I have rules about pictures. I don't allow pictures to be taken of myself under the following circumstances:
1. Eating- not good to be photographed eating, fatty.
2. Drinking identifiable alcohol- not good to look like a drunk.
3. Makin' whoopie- that should be filed under "duh."
My Myspace page is as innocent as a baby panda. Just like me, or so my great grandchildren will think when they don't find pictures of me double fisting a ho-ho and a beer whilst exploring the road less travelled.

3. I am a bad person.
There is this woman at work who just drives me nuts. She is a classic busy-body: nosy, bossy, not terribly brilliant, not good at her extremely simple job, and deeply desirous of praise. But she is a very very nice person- much nice than other people I could name- ex: me.
And lately she has been inviting herself to lunch at our table. Which would be fine except the whole time she is there she dominates the conversation. And she always tells us things that are not accurate. She shows up when we are all almost done and plops down. I wouldn't even care if
it wasn't that from the second she shows up I am on edge, just waiting for her to do something ridiculous and drive me crazy. I know this is mostly a me problem, but honestly, who goes to someone's cube and invites themselves in? I would sit alone forever rather than go anywhere uninvited. And I would certainly never show up late and just shove my chair in.

4. So, Friday night I had a very disturbing dream. I won’t go into too much detail; but I was at a resort in Las Vegas for some form of nuptials (mine or someone else’s). Whilst traipsing about I met a (in)famous person and had a torrid affair with him. (I should note that I never have sex dreams, so in spite of the torridness of the affair, I was spared any gross details. Thank sweet zombie Jesus.)
This person was depressed and self-destructive, and well they should be. I won’t say who it was, and never in a BILLION years will you correctly guess. It was hands down the most seriously upsetting thing that I have ever dreamt.
What is up with me lately? First the pregnancy peeing dream and now this; God, I hope that I have brain cancer or something. The possibility of my normal healthy brain thinking up anything this awful simply will not do.

Finally some good news about Iraq

Study: Iraq second most unstable country
Most unstable: Sudan.

In other news:
Squirrel goes on rampage, injures 3
"After that, the squirrel went into the 72-year-old man's garden and massively attacked him on the arms, hand and thigh," the spokesman said. "Then he killed it with his crutch."

Stan Lee signs deal with Disney
This is reminding me of last night's viewing of FF2 in which Stan Lee appears and says: "I'm Stan Lee, Stan Lee, Stan Lee. You know, Stan Lee!"

Red Cross Offering Gas For Blood
Well, at least we are used to this sort of arrangement.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Thought of the Day: Raaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwr

I was at a friend's house a while ago for a little gathering and at some point in the evening he removed a video from his VCR. Upon noting the title I exlaimed, "You huge loser! Do you own Underworld?"
He said, "Yes, yes I do."
Later this friend reveled to me that the film was actually a porn by the same title, because he didn't want me to think that he owned the feature film, Underworld.

Which brings me to my Thought of the Day:
I do not like boring people. I spend all day juggling data and writing dry email responses to morons. When I hang out with someone I need them to bring a little interesting to my life.
My friends that are not friends of obligation all have something about them that is interesting.
I don't especially value 'niceness.' Being a nice guy is not good enough. But if you are a nice guy who can quote extensively from Chaucer or Futurama, I am a happy girl.
I think that the above story illustrates my friend's understanding of my personality perfectly. I really would be less ashamed of him owning third rate pornography than owning the poorly done vampire/werewolf crap-fest that is Underworld.

I wasn't going to blog this...

but now I realize that I have blogged numerous more embarrassing things.

The night before last I dreamt I was pregnant. Not huge but well on my way. (Note to people who don't know me: I don't plan on having babies. Like an SUV, I like them but I don't want one.) And I was trying to hide this pregnancy from my family. (Note: my family who would be thrilled if I would get knocked up. THRILLED.) My strategy: yoga pants. Dream Quiana is not only fat, but also not terribly bright.
I was attending law school, in yoga pants, whilst pregnant. Now Kim, you will be glad to know that you too were in law school and you were assisting me in some manner in hiding my bulging belly and looking for a bathroom in what was a library, but turned into a party in a sort of split level house. A house with a ladder to the rumpus room. After climbing down said ladder all we could find was a mammoth bathroom which seemingly had no stalls, but rather pots all along the walls. However, due to my mercilessly squished bladder, I was forced to wobble unsteadily down and pee in front of younger drunken student types.

Now, I tell this to my lunch club at work (the people I don't hate) and they tell me that when you dream you are pregnant it means that you are searching for a creative outlet. Said I, "I think that it meant that I really needed to take a piss." I am a class act.

Later that night I get a phone call from my collegiate best friend Megan who, as it turns out, also dreamt about being pregnant; something that her boyfriend was not too thrilled about. I would love to search for greater meaning, but unless we are having some kind of psychic Bryn Mawr moment, I don't get it.

Is this like some cheap romantic comedy where a stern business lady suddenly hears the tick-tock of her biological clock and finds seemingly unsuitable love? BLECH!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Ryan Reynolds claws way to top

The top of the list of men with whom I would make sweet, sweet love, that is.

Below are links to two interesting blog posts by same said actor.

The Clown God
A touching ode to his brother. And by touching I mean touching poo.

Competitive Eating
Thoughts on eating to the point of internal bleeding for family fun and cash prizes.
Amusing phraseology:
Although oceans and even the most basic human rights may separate these two great peoples, we are ALL bound together by the vibrant spirit of competition and grotesque displays of boundless, unapologetic shitheadery.

Either this kid is smarter than I believed him to be or he has a thesaurus.

Notable News

Headline which inspired loathing:
Isaiah Washington: Fired & Bitter

Most irrelevant headline ever:
Journey's Steve Perry Thinks Sopranos Finale Hit Right Note
Also wins award for most ridiculous music pun ever.

Unluckiest headline today:
19th-century weapon found in whale
Whale learns that cheating death can only be accomplished for a century. (This will teach him to make metaphorical deals with the devil. And by devil, I mean robot devil. And by metaphorical, I mean get your coat.)

Saddest headline today:
TV's 'Mr. Wizard' Don Herbert dies at 89
Mr. Wizard was one of my all time favorite shows. I really loved science and Mr. Wizard nurtured that fascination. I am sorry to know he is gone.
I am also reminded of Mr. Wizard's counterpart, Mr. Lizard of Dinosaurs fame: "We're going to need another Timmy."

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Because I've been very busy...

and because you deserve it. Another Japanese snack commercial with strange dancing women.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Privacy Shmivacy.

This morning I sent in an order to have a pictures printed at the Walgreen’s a few blocks from my office. A couple of hours later a colleague in another division (whose last name is alphabetically near to mine) came over to my cube and said, “I just went to Walgreen’s to pick up my photos and did you also have some photos there?” I said yes. And she said, “Good because they accidentally gave me yours.”
I don’t know what the odds are that they would give my photos to any random person who came in and that the random person would be a coworker, but that’s pretty weird in my book.
Luckily for me nobody else shares the same name (as far as I can tell) and of course I’m really glad that they were pictures of my cousins and me at Heather Lake last month and not boudoir pictures.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Crap about which I’m thinking- Produce Edition!

I just noticed that I accidentally purchased an organic banana imported from Ecuador.

Good news: (probably) scary pesticide free (who knows who oversees this in a developing nation)
Bad news: I just paid .79$ for bananas to be shipped using fossil fuels from a jillion miles away.

Net environmental impact = :o(

Other thing:
Because I apparently desire to have student loans for the rest of my life, I am thinking of buying a new digital camera. If anyone has any words of wisdom, both product-wise and research-wise, I would welcome them. While I don’t need a fancy camera, I am interested in size, screen size, ease of getting pictures off the camera, and to a lesser extent picture quality. Additional thought: how much should I care whether the battery is an AA or a rechargeable?

Thank Paul for bringing the photo to my attention.

Good news for Republicans, bad news for everyone else.

Study: Hurricane Surge 'Normal'
A study has come out showing that the surge in storm conditions may be part of an unfortunate, but normal cycle.
This is of course problematic, not just for Floridians, but also for those of us who are concerned with the environment, quality of life, and foreign oil dependency. However, given the country's current obsession with global warming, even a flock of such studies will not waver our intentions to win the War on Warming. Especially since we are losing the War on Terror, War in Iraq, War on Drugs, and War on Obesity.

Litigious Canadian Journalist- too dumb to use condom or research frivolous lawsuit

Canadian journalist says "Knocked Up" a knock-off
Apparently some woman is suing Judd Apatow for copyright infringement.
"A lot of people, I'm sure, will say, 'Well, getting drunk and knocked up, it could happen to everybody.' Well, the fact is, it doesn't happen to everybody, and no one had written about it before I did. And he (Apatow) didn't sell the screenplay until after I did."

Wow, I could have sworn that this happens all the time (sure seems like it when you watch Cops) and has been written about before. I'm thinking, Look Who's Talking, Parenthood, etc. Not exactly the same, but the same sort of concept.

The story of an up-and-coming reporter who gets drunk and pregnant is the premise behind both the film and Eckler's book. She said other similarities include the fact that both fathers are Jewish-Canadians, and both mothers took a huge number of pregnancy tests to confirm a baby was on the way.

Interesting point about the reporter thing. However, if she had done her research she would learn that Seth Rogan actually IS a Canadian Jew (which is part of why it's funny- if you are an Apatow fan). Additionally, if I found out that I was pregnant I would piss on many a stick.

Said Apatow:
"The book is about a woman who gets pregnant by the fiance that she loves on the night of her engagement party," he said in a statement. "The film is about a one-night stand between a pot smoking slacker and an ambitious young woman that leads to a pregnancy and their attempts to get to know each other.

In my final thoughts I would add that if she was more familiar with Apatow's work, she would find that he is actually stealing the concepts from his own previous works. If I didn't adore everything he's ever done I would probably hate that, but since Apatow's shit doesn't stink, all is well.

Maybe now they'll learn? Nah, probably not.

Today I noticed an article about the actions of Jericho fans trying to save their show. It looks like sending 50,000 pounds of nuts got NBC's attention.
I'm damn tired of these networks canceling shows so rapidly I can't even get a shot at seeing them. That combined with the advent of Netflix is the reason so many people only watch shows when they come out on DVD. Especially more cult-ish shows like Jericho. (Which, incidentally, I never started watching because I figured it would go the way of Surface, Firefly, and Invasion- it's comrade sci-fi shows.)
(Which brings me to another aside: if sci-fi is so historically popular, and popular in video games, books, and film, why is Sci-Fi Channel the only station willing to stick with a show? We are so desperate for good sci-fi that we are watching utter crap. When will Network Television get the message that Cable has understood for ages? And while I'm at it, what is the most enduring black and white television show? You could argue argue The Honeymooners (which at the time was not popular) or I Love Lucy, but I think that more people remember The Twilight Zone. Even kids who've never seen it can recognize references both musical and otherwise to the show. Could they recognise the opening theme from I Love Lucy? I bet you 50,000 pounds of nuts that they couldn't. End of tirade.)
If I think I will get four episodes into a new show and then the whole thing will be trashed, it demolishes any interest I have in watching a new show.
There are a couple of shows that I think I will watch when they start in the coming season, but I promise that if they immediately get yanked off the air so that they can throw in a mid-season replacement (which will in turn get pulled immediately) or reruns of King of Queens or Seinfeld I will flip out.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Well, this certainly made me hungry.

Recently someone asked me to succinctly explain my understanding of Japan.

I can do you one better: This is Japan.

You asked for it.

Robots, sex, and violence in the news.

Japanese robot likes sushi, fears president
Gosh, we have so much in common. I wonder if he's single.

British women prefer chocolate to sex: poll
Alternate title: British women more honest than American women.
Fifty-two percent of women would rather curl up with a bar of chocolate, according to the survey of 1,500 Britons by confectionery giant Cadbury, quoting one women as saying "chocolate provides guaranteed pleasure".
"Chocolate never disappoints," she said.

So there is the definitive proof. It's not the sex that women don't want, it's the men.
You just think on that fellas.

JonBenet's Dad & Natalee Holloway's Mom Together
Does this creep anyone else out?

Monday, June 04, 2007

Rock On

Best Week Ever is reporting that the Rock is divorced.

Part of me is sad that a nice functional relationship is gone. The other half of me is calculating how much it would cost to get a boob job and a plane ticket.

Charles Taylor Update.

Taylor boycotts war crimes trial

"I cannot participate in a charade that does no justice to the people of Liberia and Sierra Leone," Taylor said in a letter read by defence lawyer Karim Khan, who later walked out saying Taylor now wanted to conduct his own defence.

"I choose not to be a fig leaf of legitimacy for this court," Taylor said in the letter, complaining his defence lacked resources and he was not sure of a fair trial.

I have an alternate for Taylor, should he choose to refuse this trial. Leave him to his victims and their families to sort out.

There is a special place in hell for this man.

Friday, June 01, 2007

News you (probably) can('t) use.

Finally! A reason to watch Law & Order.
Yes, he looks like a scruffy ne'er-do-well. And he was in Dead and Breakfast. Jeremy Sisto: I'd hit that.

Amateur scientist (aka a guy with a video camera) has "tape of Nessie"
This video is interesting, I'm curious to see what happens. It's probably just a private submarine, like the one is Swans Crossing.

Some lawyer is doing fancy LEGO art.
It is quite cool. But probably won't get him laid....
Right Paul?