Monday, June 18, 2007

Thought of the Day: Useless and Dirty Version

1. Recently coined euphemism for anal sex:
“The road less travelled.”
And by recently coined, I mean Steve and I came up with this in order to sound genteel when we mock people.

2. Have you guys heard about the teaching student who was kicked out of school right before graduation because of her Myspace page content? Here's an article about this.
This is precisely why I have rules about pictures. I don't allow pictures to be taken of myself under the following circumstances:
1. Eating- not good to be photographed eating, fatty.
2. Drinking identifiable alcohol- not good to look like a drunk.
3. Makin' whoopie- that should be filed under "duh."
My Myspace page is as innocent as a baby panda. Just like me, or so my great grandchildren will think when they don't find pictures of me double fisting a ho-ho and a beer whilst exploring the road less travelled.

3. I am a bad person.
There is this woman at work who just drives me nuts. She is a classic busy-body: nosy, bossy, not terribly brilliant, not good at her extremely simple job, and deeply desirous of praise. But she is a very very nice person- much nice than other people I could name- ex: me.
And lately she has been inviting herself to lunch at our table. Which would be fine except the whole time she is there she dominates the conversation. And she always tells us things that are not accurate. She shows up when we are all almost done and plops down. I wouldn't even care if
it wasn't that from the second she shows up I am on edge, just waiting for her to do something ridiculous and drive me crazy. I know this is mostly a me problem, but honestly, who goes to someone's cube and invites themselves in? I would sit alone forever rather than go anywhere uninvited. And I would certainly never show up late and just shove my chair in.

4. So, Friday night I had a very disturbing dream. I won’t go into too much detail; but I was at a resort in Las Vegas for some form of nuptials (mine or someone else’s). Whilst traipsing about I met a (in)famous person and had a torrid affair with him. (I should note that I never have sex dreams, so in spite of the torridness of the affair, I was spared any gross details. Thank sweet zombie Jesus.)
This person was depressed and self-destructive, and well they should be. I won’t say who it was, and never in a BILLION years will you correctly guess. It was hands down the most seriously upsetting thing that I have ever dreamt.
What is up with me lately? First the pregnancy peeing dream and now this; God, I hope that I have brain cancer or something. The possibility of my normal healthy brain thinking up anything this awful simply will not do.


Cymberleah said...

"My Myspace page is as innocent as a baby panda. Just like me, or so my great grandchildren will think"

"Whilst traipsing about I met a (in)famous person and had a torrid affair with him."

Nice juxtaposition there.

Also, can't say what is causing your highly odd dreams, but I just recently went through a run of them myself (crash landing on an alternate earth and fighting magic Nazis ftw. And then the sequal the next night). Maybe it's summer-related? Short nights, so the normal crazy dreaming needs to be concentrated?

Also, I saw a raccoon on Saturday, and instead of my former "Aww, cute" response, I looked at him and feared The Rabies. I blame you, and demand recompense.

qtilla said...

I think that the unusual point is that I've been dreaming all the way to the alarm- thus remembering the weird. Perhaps the weird I face every night? Disaster.

You are lucky to have escaped your interaction with Nature unscathed. Perhaps I've made you more warry. For this I should be thanked.

Anonymous said...

Knowing your love of funny jewish men - Jon Stewart - I am going to hazard a guess that your dream was about Richard Lewis. Fellow jewish comedian who is constantly depressed.

qtilla said...

Richard Lewis is a very excellent guess... but is not the cringe-worthy fellow from my nightmare.

I like your deductive reasoning behind the guess.

I'm actually fond of Richard Lewis; he seems quite funny. I wish he was doing more that I might actaully watch.