Friday, September 28, 2007
What? You don't just want to be close to me? You are tailgating me because you want to go faster? Well, I am shocked and a little disappointed. But obviously a busy guy such as yourself must be in a hurry to get to your important business meeting at 8:40 on a Thursday night. I know that cabs are really popular in Seattle on account of how HUGE the city is and NOBODY owns their own car.
Let me explain: I too would like to go 60 miles per hour, or dare I say, even more than that. But the station wagon ahead of me likes 55 miles per hour and in these weather conditions, I can understand that. If you will look to your left, Cab Guy, you will see 3 lanes, totally empty. Those lanes are for you, Cab Guy. Those are the proverbial and literal fast lanes. I am waiting for you to pass me. Still waiting. Perhaps if I hit my brakes while gesturing in a left-wardly direction? No?
I am now convinced that this isn't about speed, it's a love connection. Cab Guy who drives like an asshat, email me. I miss your shadowy sillouette.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
You guys seemed pretty cool when I met you at a friend's party, but Friends of Friend, you guys are total dicks. I didn't notice until you said the following, "Did you know that such & such is an assistant?"
"Oh my God, I totally thought that she was a real person."
Hint #2: assistants, like receptionists, valets, and waitresses are "real people." Unlike you. You are a bitch.
After 25 days, 40 percent of the mice given the Earth-bound salmonella were still alive, compared with just 10 percent of those dosed with the germs from space. And the researchers found it took about one-third as much of the space germs to kill half the mice, compared with the germs that had been on Earth.
Why? Well, because everything is scarier once space is involved. Insert creepy theremin noises here.
I wonder what it is like to come in from a jog, or wake up only to find out that you are a member of the "Axis of Evil." Or to wake up and find out that Kim Jong Il made the list and you didn't.
If make the list (what?! there's still time) I will have to go out and buy a black leather trench coat, the uniform of badass-ary.
In an unrelated note:
Here is a webcomic about working at The Olive Garden.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
I enjoy the hilariously accusatory title. I feel like the author is saying, 'Apes framed: who really climbed into that SUV and defecated all over?'
Hilarious end-note perhaps written by the fine folks at Hard Copy.
"Great fun, but it's the tourists who feed the baboons who are blamed for most of the problems. And the residents aren't laughing any more."
No, but I am.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Click this link, I implore you. It makes me kind of want to have a child... so I can dress it up as a seal and take it to the polar bear exhibit at the zoo.
Although, now having watched it with the sound minutely on I notice that that is a grown woman. That spoils the whole damn thing.
What made me think that it was a good idea to chase Resident Evil: Extinction with a couple episodes of Dexter before bed?
Because sleep is for losers.
All the cool kids like to sit bolt up right covered in sweat every half hour through the entire night.
I could watch every sexy show known to man before bed and I will still dream of ham sandwiches or staplers. But watch zombies and serial killers and I will actually dream about zombies and serial killers. There is no justice.
And on the issue of stuff I'm watching:
Dexter:Super Awesome. Nifty TV show about a scarily endearing sociopathic vigilante serial killer. 5 monkeys for being unique and thought provoking.
Heroes: Started slow but stick with it. It's like crack now. Delicious crack. 5 monkeys.
Resident Evil 3: Actually pretty decent. Especially if you're into naked chicks. Which I'm not, but I'm just saying that if you are, you will probably like it. There was actually a really scary thing in there that I wish I could spoil, (since nobody else will see the movie) but I won't.
1.5 monkeys for being a nice example of its genres. Plus .5 monkey for having that cute Israeli dude back from Apocalypse and an additional bonus monkey for introducing the most terrifying conceivable zombie ever. Grand total 3 monkeys.
Which brought me to the thought that: why is NASA not privatized? The US Navy doesn’t build its own ships and the Air Force doesn’t build its own planes. Would science be better served by high paid Boeing engineers with a financial reason to build space ships rather than the government? Wouldn’t it be better having engineers and people in the aeronautic/astronautic field manage NASA than congress. Do we really want poli-sci majors determining the funding of NASA?
Isn’t engineering primarily influenced by one factor: money? Our greatest scientific progress has come about in times of war; times when science and engineering are most profitable.
I understand that space travel is an imperial issue and that air power = power, but would we save money and further science by outsourcing NASA?
Ponder this and let me know.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
It was the late 50’s, and I was on a farm in pedal pushers and a pony tail. I wanted to go to the big city, so I hitched a ride in the back of an old orange Ford pickup.
When I got to the city I went into this business/housing complex that was black and shiny and modern, but modern in the way that people in the 50’s expected the future to look. And as I was walking around men with clear, bubble-like helmets came and hijacked the building complex. The whole thing rose up from the earth bringing an inversed pyramid of dirt and broken pipes into the air with it. A clear bubble emerged over the complex and we were in space.
Luckily for me, as I was plotting my escape, a profoundly slovenly Cat Woman came skipping down the darkened hall. She was in black flat keds with scuffs, faded yoga pants, a ribbed black turtleneck covered by an off the shoulder Flashdance style sweater with yarn that was not evenly spun. Upon her head was a mask with crooked ears. She carried a long whip and together we somehow escaped back to Earth.
I ended up back on the farm. Large clear crystals were growing out of the ground quickly and violently. Clark Kent came over and ordered me to build his Fortress of Solitude. I picked up the heavy crystals and tried to build the fortress, but the crystals wouldn’t stick. They were like magnets aligned to the same poles. Superman, still dressed as Clark Kent: 50’s farm guy, came over and stuck two crystals together and looked at me like I was a complete moron, “See? Like this.”
“But they won’t stick for me…”
“That is because you aren’t doing it right.”
Then he walked away in disgust to the sound of my alarm.
According to the article regarding the dorm infestation:
Videos posted on the Internet show students swinging a broom and a tennis racket as several bats fly about in a dormitory hallway at Texas Southern University.
I guess none of these students read my blog, otherwise they would know that a broom is an effective weapon against bats- even allegedly dead ones.
Quote which makes me concerned:
Health officials asked students who had been in Lanier Hall East to meet with them this week to determine whether any would need rabies vaccinations.
Too bad you need a rabies shot within 72 hours of infection or else you die. Yea guys, take care of that rabies thing at your leisure; this will work out *great.*
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
There you go kids. It's all over. Forget global warming, we are all going to die in exactly the way I've always feared.
The Wacky World of Student Loans: How banks rip off college students and the government.
Very brief and informative explanation of how banks are deliberately ripping off the US government (in addition to just you).
Rent-A-Treasure: How to eliminate the black market in stolen antiquities.
An interesting concept to deal with the issue of antiquity ownership.
And from Best Week Ever:
Toys That Make Us Wish We Were Devil Worshipping Kids: Singing Pizza Elmo
File this commercial under things that are designed for children but more accurately resemble a Korn video. See also: Return to Oz.
Me: I just sat in on the most horrible meeting ever if that makes you feel better.
Coworker: Not really. But what was the meeting?
Me: A software training session. But it was like the world's dumbest puppy trying to teach Socrates to the runners up to the world's dumbest puppy.
Coworker: Puppies can be trained- even stupid ones.
Me: True. How about brain damaged puppies? I would have been more impressed if one of them would have waddled over to the laptop and pissed on it.
Coworker: And then the others would have rushed over to smell it.
Me: That would have been so awesome. (Phone rings.) Enjoy that conference call.
Coworker mouthing silently: Blow me.
Bank of America will loan me up to $30,000.
Just look at that esitmated monthly payment schedule, based upon 8.99% APR (which I sould mention is 2% higher than my credit card). Wait, what does it say in the fine print there? "All payment amounts and terms are estimates based on an APR of 8.99%. Yours may be higher. We will set your initial APR between 8.99% and 21.99% based on creditworthiness."
Oh, well 8.99% and 21.99%, that's practically the same thing, right? That sounds ok... wait, what does it say in the fine print just below that? "We reserve the right to change your APR, fees, or other credit terms at our discretion."
Hmmmm... well, that sounds reasonable. Contract terms should really only apply to private citizens and never to billion dollar businesses.
What does that say under there? "Additionally, if you fail to pay any minimum monthly payment by its Payment Due Date, we may increase your APR up to a Default APR of 27.99%"
That sounds *awesome*. I could use some more accountability in my life.
In a final note, this loan is called The Clean Sweep. Isn't that adorable? It is supposed to "Help sweep your debts away." It is like the cute little bunny in Cinderella. Except that instead of helping you make a beautiful ball gown, it eats all your money. And then craps it in your lap.
As an interesting caution to my readers, who are no doubt super-savvy with their money, (yes even the Hollywood Erotic Boutique Google searchers- 2 more over the weekend) always read every single scrap of paper that you receive from your credit card company. Every word on everything.
Credit card companies are allowed to change any terms of your account without your permission as long as they notify you. This includes tiny fine print at the end or even on the reverse of your bill. Recently BOA attempted to raise my interest rate by 8% and add on a yearly fee.
While these companies don't have to ask for permission, they are required to let you opt out, in writing, of changes to your contract. Usually you have a few months to send in a letter rejecting the new terms.
I was going to upload a cute scan of the interesting portions of the offer, but blogger is sabotaging me again.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
"It has been reported that there is a white Lexus in the front parking lot, license #blabblah, that is taking up two spaces. Could you please move your car so that you are in only one space, as parking is tight at this building today?"
I am so tickled. I hope that they tow. I can just imagine the owner being all ticked off, "But I have a white Lexus, I require TWO parking spaces! One for the car and one for my GIANT HEAD!"
I actually wish that I was driving a dumpy little Civic so I could have fit with mere millimeters to spare. You may call that 'vigilante parking.'
Speaking of which, Slate has a neat article about why vigilante movies are yet again popular. This brings me to the remake of Walking Tall. Which was awesome because of the presence of The Rock. Can you smelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll what The Rock is cooking?
It smells like some delicious justice with a cute butt!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
What is it about certain types of cars that are a window into the souls of their owners?
I'm pretty sure that my vehicle ('96 Merc. Sable) says 'I have two kids and think that King of Queens is hi-larious' which may or may not be detrimental to my theory.
2. And by fast women I mean uhm... fast women. Slate brought up lyrics to a Dar Williams song, with which I am familiar, but hadn't meditated on before (because while I went to Bryn Mawr, I am not a "Mawrter"). The lyrics go thusly:
"Now I'm in this clothing store
and the sign says 'less is more'
more that's tight means more to see
more for them, not more for me."
And I think that the end lyric, for me, is most important. It isn't that I lose something if I whip out my tits on Girls Gone Wild. (Although in terms of external judgments I undoubtedly would.) It is that I don't gain anything.
And the brand of selflessness that leads to random people masturbating is not the particular brand of selflessness to which I feel any allegiance.
Now if it involves being saucy towards someone towards whom I have intentions, that is a different story, morning glory. (RAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWRRRR)
3. Special Bonus Thought which will probably get me in trouble.
Last night I received an email from a friend notifying me that she was done with our fight and wanted to bury the proverbial hatchet.
To which I responded, "Sounds good. It is very kind of you to make the first advance."
But to which I wanted to respond, "What fight? Are we not talking or something?"
This is yet another event in a series of incidents in which someone thinks that we are super-buds and I think that we are acquaintances. Also this marks yet another time in which I have failed to notice someone's attempt to punish me.
Additionally, I hope this doesn't require an apology, because that is *not*going to happen.
If I recall correctly (and as I can surmise from the puzzling email contents) the 'fight' occurred when she made some ridiculous political generalization and I responded with a comment along the lines of "that is a sweeping generalization," followed by a "how did you arrive at that conclusion?" And may have chased that with something like (and I promise that this was more tactfully said, though I cannot remember verbatim), "this kind of knee-jerk reaction could be better dealt with through further consideration and research of sources outside of blatantly liberal biased, or non-existent (or found on the comedy channel*) sources."
Since when did being friends mean that you can't have intelligent discourse on the topics of the day? I don't watch American Idol so I'm up shit-creek for boring small talk. I would prefer to discuss important things, but not if the end result is that I am declared stupid or stubborn.
Is it crazy to ask someone to defend their beliefs? Furthermore, if you believe something, shouldn't you be able to say why?
*Not actually said, but was very much desired.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
There were a lot of problems during his term in office; a major issue of contention was regarding the use of Japan's Defense Forces to aid the US in 'anti-terrorist' efforts.
So now when people say that they don't vote or don't follow politics, you can remind them that US policy effects everything on the world stage.
Then remind them that it's only been that way since the 40's, so they'd better check themselves.
In other news out of Japan:
Crocs shoes linked to 40 escalator accidents
The most reviled shoes are now dangerous as well.
Count your toes carefully after you get off the escalator, wearers of ugly shoes.
Another note on Crocs: MEN! Stop wearing Crocs. You look like a total ass-clown. There is no way I would touch the penis of a man wearing plastic shoes that weren't purchased at Longs drugs for $3 for beach use.
Important stuff that I learned and things:
1. Ichiro's favorite channel is BET. Because that is just how he rolls.
2. If a spider lands on your drunken haggard hooker looking friend's unappealing mug, do not, I repeat, DO NOT scratch your *own* face. This will hurt.
"Oh my God, you guys! Incoherent ramble... and then a spider landed on her cheek and she was like "Bleh!" and I was like "Ack!" and then I scratched my own cheek! And I hurt myself."
"Yea, it landed on my face and she was like "'Ew there is a spider on your face.' And then she hit herself in the face. And I was like 'is it gone?'"
3. Regarding the above, don't sit behind haggard bitches in tank tops. Unless you are very interested in hearing a 55 year old woman hit on the 19 year old beer vendor. Direct quote, "Will you service me?" (RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWR)
Answer, "Haha, no."
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Wired Science is holding a contest for awesome new NASA slogans. You should enter. I would, but I can't come up with anything super-von-awesome.
I would like something positive, but all I've got is 'Reaching for the stars from the backs of the poor.'
Monday, September 10, 2007
I've been visiting Mr. Bacon Pants and he has an amusing theory of why Kevin Bacon is not as good as uhm... actual bacon.
From there I was directed to further investigate a burger actually made entirely of bacon. (Which made me nervous).
I was also led back in thought to a previous email regarding the new term 'bacn' (that Paul had discovered on lifehacker) by a blog entry from Mr. BaconPants fueled with bacon releated outrage.
Quiana's response to the new term:
"bu bu bu but bacon is a good thing. why are they abusing the good name of bacon? tasty, crispy, satly, smokey, bacon."
Interesting article in Slate about the danger of reclined seats. I am unsurprised that auto manufacturers are unmoved by research and law-suits. Auto companies are in the business of making money, not protecting people. It is the government's lack of movement on this issue that gives me pause.
The Tao of Junk: Pundits bemoan our trade deficit with China. But those container ships aren't heading home empty.
Apparently we are shipping our junk metals etc. to China to be reused there.
I don't want to shock anyone, but can't we use our own scrap to make stuff? Are we not in a HUGE trade deficit? Perhaps not selling China the materials to make things then buying those things from China would be smarter and certainly more ecologically sound.
Airline Tells Woman Her Outfit Won't Fly
Businesses should have the rights to refuse service. Furthermore, I'm tired of seeing everyone's hoohaws. I shouldn't have to see your nether-regions in a restaurant, flight, bus, or anywhere outside of a strip club.
If you wonder why no one respects you, stand in front of a mirror and think, would I vote this woman into public office? Would I trust this woman to invest my money, defend my rights in a court of law, or babysit my child. Try picturing someone who would fit these categories and dress like her.
If you dress like a hooker, don't be surprised if people treat you like one.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Coyote by Allen Steele
Science fiction about political dissidents who steal a starship to colonize their own free world. Good, but not what I expected. I'm excited to snag the sequel.
Stealing Lincoln's Body by Thomas Craughwell
Non-fiction account of the 1876 attempt to steal and ransom Abraham Lincoln's corpse. (Hey you give me a non-fiction about a corpse and I will be all over that. Not the actual corpse, just the book.) Very interesting.
AMC's first original series. It is awesome and you should watch it.
The Black Lips,
Los Valientes del Mundo Nuevo
'Surf punk?' you say. Well, indeed so.
A story about a panda in existential crisis. I just finished the first draft and I am not terribly thrilled with it. Maybe I've looked at it too many times?
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Interesting new bee theory
Blame Israel. This has proved to be an effective strategy for YEARS.
Leech invasion makes Japan residents see red
Details that you would rather not know about:
"Yamabiru will climb into people's socks and stay for about an hour, growing five to 10 times in size. Unlike with water leeches, people don't immediately realise they've been bitten. Only later when they see their blood-soaked feet, do they realise what has happened," said Shigekazu Tani, the institute's director.
You may file this under things that make me wish for death.
Cops cracking down on Craigslist prostitution.
Apparently they gave up on dealing with the ACTUAL problem. Street walkers on drugs and the men that get them hooked in the first place.
Popcorn Lung claims another victim
Proving that popcorn is not only disgusting, but also dangerous.
So are Cheetos.
Airline sacrifices goats to appease sky god
Whatever works, my friends, whatever works.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
On re-signing with Seattle: “[My dog] said, ‘Woof, woof, woof,’ which meant, ‘Stay, stay, stay.’ Of course, I listened.”
Actually Ichiro, your dog and I share a long and storied friendship; and believe me when I say that "woof, woof, woof" (or "wan, wan, wan" in his native Japanese) means, "Leave your wife and children, also email Quiana at firstname.lastname@example.org."
Linkage courtesy of Paul.
Following that I had back to back cocktails with Jim then Monica.
Saturday I drove up to Deception Pass to sissy camp with the family and family friends in the 'oh my god there are like a million children' camping extravaganza.
Good times were had.
Here you will see the men folk launching the crabby boat into the bay....
Only to be attacked by a vicious sea monster!
And there they are again at a distance...
from the nifty geological survey point...
Gram-Cracker and I found on our super-exciting hike!
Here is a view of our camp area from the adjacent mountain:
And a view of the bay:
Here is a picture of my Granny wishing for a giant salmon like the lady (or dude, looks like a lady) behind her.
It was also pretty nifty that we turned back at the perfect moment to watch the fog roll in.
Sunday evening I came back to Seattle because I had a BBQ and games-that-Quiana-will-never-win party. At which I ate a steak the size of my head, made fun of Shaolin monks, and didn't win at any games. All in all a totally awesome holiday weekend.
Apparently while you may look like a complete ass-clown on a Segway, you are actually an ass-clown moving at 12.5 mph.
Snips, Snails, and Puppy Dog Tails: There's finally proof that boys do ruin schools for girls.
No shit, Sherlock.
Their answer chimes perfectly with the conventional wisdom: Boys benefit from being in a classroom with girls, but girls do not benefit from being in a classroom with boys.
Stupid conventional wisdom with its wisdom and whatnot.
The Princess and Her Pea-Sized Legacy: Diana didn't change Britain.
Person realizes and publicly admits that Princess Di isn't important.
No shit, Sherlock.
Transparent Toaster gives you clear view of bread's crispiness
Holy crap! This is simultaneously the most obvious/brilliant invention in bread history.
Usually I'm not about putting the whole text up, but seriously, I insist that you read this crazy shit.
BEIJING (AP) - China's Shaolin Temple has demanded a public apology from an Internet user who claimed a Japanese ninja beat its kung fu-practicing monks in a showdown, a lawyer said Friday.
An open letter from the temple posted on the Internet Thursday denied the fight ever took place and called on the person who posted the claim to apologize to the temple's martial arts masters.
Monks from the temple, nestled in the Songshan Mountains of central China's Henan province, said they will consider legal action if the person doesn't make a public apology.
The incident comes amid lingering tensions between China and Japan over World War II atrocities. China is highly sensitive to anything that smacks of Japanese militarism, particularly because many believe Tokyo has yet to show adequate remorse for its wartime actions in China.
The posting last week on the "Iron Blood Bulletin Board Community" described a ninja who challenged the monks of the Shaolin Temple to a fight in August after practicing boxing at a Japanese mountain retreat for five years. The Internet user claimed the monks accepted the challenge and the ninja won, proving the monks are trained to perform rather than fight.
The Shaolin Temple's letter said the posting was "evil" and "a pure fabrication." It said the account of the ninja's victory had been widely commented on and distributed, especially in Japan.
"This extremely irresponsible behavior not only impacts the Shaolin temple and its monks, but also the whole martial arts community and the Chinese people," it said.I'm sure that the people of China were very concerned about this additional Japanese attack on their culture. Then they went back to putting together sneakers for 1$ a day and missing their families in distant prefectures.
Things I care about less than the feelings of Shaolin Monks:
1. other people's belly-button lint