Thursday, March 30, 2006

C.V. Victor von Doom

I was random articling Wikipedia today and came across Latveria. When I clicked over to Victor von Doom's wikipedia page I realized how hilarious it is to read a biography of a made up person.

Goals: "Doctor Doom is driven by three principal objectives: the destruction of Reed Richards, world domination, and the liberation of his mother's soul from the demon Mephisto's realm. "
Doctor Doom also enjoys pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain. He's not much into yoga, but he is into champagne.

"Dr. Doom's iron-clad face is instantly recognizable to most of the world's population, a fact attributable to his infamous, high-tech, nuclear powered, computer assisted battle suit. Doom's first (and truly "original") set of armor was magically forged at a hidden monastery in the high mountains of Tibet; since then, his dark plated armor has been enhanced and repaired by normal technological means. "
Ah yes, world domination via Tibetan monk magic.

"Being the leader of a sovereign nation, Doctor Doom enjoys the grace of diplomatic immunity while in America during the few times he is there for non-pernicious, political actions and diplomacy. He has even been accompanied and escorted by Captain America himself."
I can see it now, "Well President von Doom, last time you were in New York you took the city over with mosquito nanno-bots, but since you're here for the Middle East Peace Summit, have at it!

"In 2003, Doom realized he was unnecessarily limiting himself by focusing on technology, and only occasionally his magical birthright. He sold his childhood sweetheart's soul to a trio of demons in exchange for unlimited magical ability and new leather armour made of her skin. "
Yes, naturally, armor made of skin. Fantastic. Technology is on its way out, it's all magic starting now! I should get me some of that skin-armor stuff. Macy's, they've got everything, right?

Uhm this was an available option for "victor von doom" according to Google Images, so live with it.

Submit unto me...

your 'blankier thans'.
You know "drunker than a..." "crazier than a..." etc.
Here's the one on my mind presently:
Crazier than a mule on a Ferris Wheel.
Surely you guys can do better. Enlist a Texan if you must, but send me your 'blankier thans.'
Incidentally, this is a mule on a Ferris Wheel. A GIANT mule.

I knew it!

They were always after me french bread pizza!

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

What can I say, I guess I'm just a problem solver.

I've solved, the immigration, Medicaid, Social Security and Medicare issues. The solution is called De-immigration. Kids, you can all go back to school tomorrow.
Don't you see, it's brilliant, we take anyone with sustained unemployment and we give them six months to get and hold down a job, any job, or we deport them to one of many countries (like Romania) that is suffering from major depopulation issues. Many of these countries need "workers" and compared to the locals, these people may be highly educated. How about people who committed felonies? Three felonies= "welcome to Mexico." Rapists, murderers? Treat America like the pound; when we're all full up, put the undesirables down to make room for useful immigrants.
Everyone applying for Medicare/Medicaid/Social Security will have all earned the right to the money. And now with all the spare space we could poach the hardest workers and best minds of other countries.
I recommend that we cherry-pick Cuba first. One, Cuban men are hot. Two, think of major league ball!

Incidentally, I'm glad all these highschool kids are protesting. Too bad nobody gives a shit since they can't vote. (And like most young people in America won't vote even when they have the right.) Beyond that, it's just nice to see kids using MySpace for things besides jailbaiting.
PS- Less marching more writing. You don't want to look like these idiots.

Heroes in a half-shell; moron power!


As I write Charles Taylor is being shipped to Sierra Leone for trial. The authorities caught him attempting to flee to Cameroon.
I’m all excited to see a little law and order executed in Africa. Maybe a real trial with real results will show other would be terror brokers that Africa will not lie down and take it. Though the thought that is niggling at the back of my mind is that had he gotten across the border, surely someone there would have helped him and there would have been another round of extradition pressures. Who are these people who are not afraid to openly say “I am harboring a man with 17 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity.” Where is the shame?
Furthermore, I am absolutely astounded that Taylor didn’t try to sneak back into Liberia and raise what remains of his power base for one last hurrah. Maybe like Hitler in the bunker, Taylor finally saw the writing on the wall.
Let’s cross our fingers that Taylor will get a fair and thorough trial. I’ll be watching this trial with baited breath, too bad I’ll only see clips of it on BBC World News. Still, quite exciting though. Of course these international tribunals against war crimes don’t allow the death penalty. What a pity. My opposition to the death penalty is that even innocent people will confess to a crime they did not commit on occasion. However the weight of obvious evidence in this case leaves me with the overwhelming thought that Charles Taylor doesn’t deserve another nanosecond on my beautiful world.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I'm on tap of the world.

Dear Happy Tappers,

I am so glad that you have found a place to practice your antiquated niche dancing. It’s so refreshing to hear you clacking along in unison like sprightly homosexual members of the SS.

I love how you flood into my neighborhood like cute little locusts in your SUV’s. I love how you drive the wrong way down my one-way street. I especially enjoy how you park, right in the middle of two parallel spaces, three feet from the curb.

Last night I was surprised to hear that I lived in a “bad neighborhood.” I’m glad that you, Jeep Grand Cherokee lady (2 feet from the curb) were polite enough to lower your voice as I carried my SIX grocery bags 2 blocks back to my apartment past your Jeep parked in front of my door. Yes, you’re right I do look a little like the “bad elements” you were referring to and God knows that folks who shop at Whole Foods are just a wee bit too close to the edge. I’m sure you were referring to Juan, the waiter at the Mexican restaurant next door, who is surely a rough character. There he was, in his crisp white shirt smoking on the curb on his 10 minute break. He’s from Ballard you know, I’ve heard bad things about those Ballardians. Anyway, it was super sweet of you to drive your friend the one block to her car. Although since I just passed that way I could’ve just told you there was nobody else there.

Oh well.

Anywho, love the legwarmers! I guess I will see you next week.


Your Neighbor

Monday, March 27, 2006

Hey! Good news everybody!!

There are 33 murders a DAY in Baghdad. Or maybe there aren't. Hmm... seems like a lot of controversy. Perhaps with no law and order and no infrastructure it might be hard to tell what the number really is. We know that the Washington Post counted 100,000 civilian deaths as of October... but those could have been regular civilian casualties and not murders. (See shake and bake. Damn I forgot I was pissed about that.)

Luckily Donald Rumsfeld is clearing this whole thing up for us: "You've got to remember that if Washington, D.C., were the size of Baghdad, we would be having something like 215 murders a month." AWESOME.

This is totally comparablele to 990 a month (if you don't know how to count.)

On the other other line of thought. If we had no cops and ample machine guns America would be populated by two fat white guys from Montana named Bob.

Incidentally, property values must have just plummeted in DC. Thanks Rummy!!!

I smell burning pants....

So here are we are, back at Charles Taylor. In the last episode Charles was spending the millions he liberated from Liberia and Sierra Leone while in blissful Nigeria. Now apparently Nigeria is willing to give him up to Liberia, Liberia wants to send him to Sierra Leone for trial and mysteriously Nigeria isn't erm exactly sure where they put him. My guess: Brazil.

Can I just spaz a wee bit more about this? Thanks. 17 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity and since 2003 he was sitting by a pool drinking booze out of glasses garnished umbrellas, and now they lost him. The article I read this morning, which brought me back to this issue was entitled: "Liberia, Nigeria at odds over Taylor custody."
2 points:
#1: "at odds," you think? I love it when my neighbors harbor war criminals who illegally ruled my nation and stole my nations wealth in a zesty campaign of "civil war" and random killings. Don't you?
#2: "Taylor custody?" What custody? Oh gosh erm, Chuck's around here some where. Uhm, let's see, maybe he's in the yellow pages under ruthless dictator. I feel suspicious that Nigeria is finally bending to the will of the west in such an orderly fashion....

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Oh, I’m sorry, have we met?

Today I was perusing Best of Craigslist, looking for luscious humorousness. Instead I found another exciting diatribe about how straight people ruin the lives of gay people.

Let me say this once.


I’m not sorry I’m white (which, might I mention I’m not)

I’m not sorry I’m straight

I’m not sorry I’m Christian

I’m not sorry I’m privileged (would this be a good time to mention that I grew up in a trailer?)

I didn’t enslave anyone, least of all anyone’s ancestors
I have never beat up a gay person or any other person
I have never voted to remove the rights to marry or adopt or abort
I have never told anyone they are going to hell

I don’t care who you marry, who you screw, or where or if you go to church. I don’t care what race you are or where you went to school or how much money you make.

So don’t you dare accuse me of anything. I’m tired of being the scapegoat for all your problems. I’m tired of being your enemy. I’m tired of people trying to make me feel guilty for things that I have never done.

Keep your bigotry to yourself, I don’t have the time or inclination to bolster your martyr-complex.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Year of Oh HELL No!

I'm reading an acclaimed book right now, Maria Dahvana Headley's The Year of Yes. It came highly recommended from a friend who thought I might enjoy it and catch more of the literary allusions. She's right on one count. I am catching her literary allusions, literally 5 to a page.
I hate hate hate Maria Dahvana Headley. HATE. I am about oh... one chapter into this book and I already hate her.
Point #1: She's still bitter about her childhood in Idaho. (Well get in line, sister.) On page 12ish she talks about how none of the guys in her high school wanted to date her because she is curvy and vaguely ethnic looking.

Does she not look like a regular old cracker who very very badly needs a sandwich? And also a bit like Smeagol? Meep!
Perhaps the reason she didn't get asked out is evidenced on page 5 where she casually mentions that she sowed her own clothes and would wear such exciting ensemble as a patch-work toga held together by safety pins.
Perhaps the reason she didn't get asked out is because she's a pretentious, self-deluded bitch who uses the word "Kafka-esque" and expects snaps. She claims to be a playwright. Playwrights, don't just write plays. They sell plays that are then performed for people who pay money. I'm assuming she was just as self-deluded in high school.
Perhaps the reason she didn't get asked out was because she mistakenly thought she was too good for Idaho.
Point #2: When she announces to her roommates that she is going to go out with anyone who asks including construction workers and taxi drivers one roommate (also vile) says "You're not going to sleep with them all are you?" Maria Dahvana Headley pauses and thinks, "Oh I usually do- even though I don't want to." Let me ask you this, if there is anything in your life that you can control, is it not who you sleep with? I can't control traffic or weather, but I am the sole proprietor of my lady-bits. Anyway, then her vile roommate says "Eww, what if he's like a dog-walker from New Jersey." I'm sorry, but she is an unemployed, egomaniacal, snaggle-toothed, crazy, slut from Idaho. At least a dog-walker has a job.
Point #3: Maria Dahvana Headley made sure to point out that the major down points of Idaho are the prevalence of serial killers (all from the NW apparently) and white people. I would have thought depressed economy, lack of economic diversity, lack of metropolitan culture, and rednecks- all sorts would be the issues of complaint. That and the potatoes.
Don't worry, I hate this woman so much, I can't stop reading. I can't wait till she gets the clap or has sex with a married man or maybe an artichoke.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Devo 2.Oh-oh

Today I was looking for a song in I-Tunes and misclicked to the children’s section. There was a banner for the next big thing in tween music: DEVO 2.0

DEVO 2.0 is all the original hits of DEVO (Whip it and …. uhm… Whip It) and a bunch of other DEVO songs (I would conjecture) remade by what appears to be a tone-deaf 12 year old girl.. While the music was actually physically painful (to say the VERY least) I found the customer reviews to be quite entertaining. I read 78 reviews of the CD “DEVO 2.0,” as recorded by the band DEVO 2.0. (It seems as though these kids have never heard of the band Big Country or they might have seen how this is gonna go down.) Here are some excerpts from my favorite customer reviews (not changed in any way):

-This Music Is Like The Originals But It Is Like Crazy Frog. I Listen to It Every Day

-Ever wonder what DEVO would sound like if all its members were pre-pubescent children? Yeah, me neither.

-Bottom line: it sucks, the apocalypse is coming!

-I’m speechless. Just listening to the previews was proof enough that this is the worst piece of garbage that I have ever heard. DEVO was pure genius. Dressing up spoiled rich kids to make them look “new wave” is an insult to my intelligence….

-I guess this is ok… not!

-Shoot me. What’s next? NIN 2.0? Please, Disney, PLEASE stop! What’s wrong with kids listening to the original artist? Last time I checked, Devo didn’t drop too many f-bombs in their catalogue. This album is a sign of the apocalypse.

-The horror. A Devo cover band devoid of irony. This is horrendous. I can’t say how much I detest this piece of devolved excrement.

-WOW. This is some craptacular carcrash… it’d totally open up that coveted canine demographic. This is landfill. Treat it accordingly.

-Way to RUIN Devo.

-I’m going to try to forget that this exists.

-I am in peace when I hear Devo, but I am in hell when I hear DEVO 2.0; so if you want to get this waste of time (not to be rude) you should really get Devo!!!! Because there are some kids willing to do anything for money, just like these kids!!!

-This is a complete rip off and they have nothing in common musically with the actual band. (Devo)

-My ears are throwing up.

-I would give this no stars if I could.

-Tee-hee. This is funny. I think I like it, and that scares me.

-What hath Disney wrought. This is a horrendous mockery of the Devo name.

-DEVO is one of the most influental new wave bands there ever was. To think that a bubblegum pop girl and her friends could give DEVO the respect they deserve was thinking too much. This is like kids bob for nerds.

Canadian, Hooker, Cowboy.

William Shatner

Although best known for his role as Captain James T. Kirk in the popular “Star Trek” television series and movies, William Shatner has appeared in dozens of productions, ranging from “Judgment at Nuremberg” to “Miss Congeniality.” He brings his unique presentation style to “Extinction!” as the show’s narrator.

The Montreal native was graduated from McGill University and began his acting career in 1956. He appeared in several movies before earning fame as leader of the “Star Trek” ensemble cast and, later, in the title role of the police-themed television series “T.J. Hooker.” He currently stars as lawyer Denny Crane on “Boston Public.”

Shatner has hosted TV’s “Iron Chef USA,” “Rescue 911” and “Saturday Night Live.” He has appeared in Broadway productions, recorded music and created the “Tek” series of science fiction books, which became a Canadian TV series. He is also CEO of Core Digital Effects, a Toronto-based company that has produced digital effects for movies.

In 1999, Shatner received an Emmy Award for his guest appearance on “Third Rock from the Sun.” He earned a Golden Globe Award in 2005 for his performance on “Boston Public.”

In addition to his work in the entertainment industry, Shatner owns a horse farm in Kentucky, where he shows American Saddlebred and Quarter horses. He and his family live in California.

William Shatner, You Crafty Bastard!

As an Aside, I would LOVE to mention that the title of this picture file was "extinct_shatner." When I clicked to view where Google Images took the photo from, I found it intriguing that the Moorehead Planetarium chose William Shatner to narrate a show called "Extinction!" Below it was an interesting biographical note (which I shall post momentarily.)

Have you seen this? The William Shatner DVD Club. A banner ad for it was running over some garbage I was reading on the interweb. This is one of those DVD subscription programs except you get "Exceptional movies for the Sci-Fi fan!"

Major slogan: "Own the Underground Hits No One Else Has!"

"Join the William Shatner DVD Club and Discover Great Movies! William Shatner has culled the thousands of films he has seen into a collection of the best Sci-Fi, Horror & Fantasy movies available."
"Proprietary Playlist- Only members can enjoy expert selections from the William Shatner DVD Club. We never publish a list of our constantly evolving collection.
Memorable Titles- Members receive stimulating movies selected from the classic Shatner Collection or one of his most recent finds. "

Some movie examples:

I've actually seen this one. On accident. I swear. Ginger Snaps
"Caustic and refreshingly twisted, Ginger Snaps is a frightening fable that puts a credible and modern spin on the traditional werewolf movie. Sisters Ginger and Brigitte are ostracized by their town and classmates because of their morbid inclinations. After being attacked by a wolf, Ginger begins to exhibit some bizarre behavior while embracing a new lust for life. Brigitte is caught in the awkward position of deciding between saving her past self and joining Ginger in her transformation."

I think that I saw this one too. I believe it was called Ghost Busters II. Or was it Stargate? Gosh, I've seen so many movies! The Immortal (Immortel ad Vitam)
"Based on the French graphic novel by Enki Bilal, Immortal was one of the first films to use an entirely digital backlot to create a stunning fantasy world where gods, mutants, mortals and aliens converge. A floating pyramid has emerged in the skies above Manhattan in 2095, inhabited by ancient Egyptian gods who have come to pass judgment on one of their own, a falcon headed god named Horus. Horus must find a human host body to inhabit and a mate to preserve his immortality. In his quest he becomes irrevocably entwined with a blue haired girl embarking on an analogous journey. Stunning visual effects meld with poetic surrealism in the telling of this epic fantasy."

And of course the stunning:Dragon Storm
"Dragon Storm was developed and commissioned as a Sci-Fi Channel Original Picture. Set in the Dark Ages, the bitterly opposed rulers of two neighboring kingdoms put aside their rivalry to combat an alien-dragon menace. A team of fighters must brave death and destruction to defeat the fire-breathing dragons and ensure the future of mankind."

Featured Directors:
Stuart Gordon Born 1947 Illinois, USA – Notable Films Directed: King of the Ants (2003); Dagon (2001); Fortress (1993); Re-Animator (1985).
David DeCoteau Born 1962 Oregon, USA – Notable Films Directed: The Brotherhood (I-IV); Leeches (2003); Wolves of Wall Street (2002); Puppet Master (III / VI / VII)

Shatner's personal message:
"There is nothing quite as exhilarating as discovering a Sci-Fi, Fantasy or Horror classic-to-be that has gone unnoticed by the general movie watching population. I've personally chosen a select group of movies that were entertaining, original, and memorable to share with you. I hope that you enjoy them as much as I did [baby]." William Shatner.

I think my favorite part of the website is the "Weekly Poll: Which was William Shatner's finest Star Trek performance? ST2, ST3, ST6, or ST5." I can't believe that ST4 wasn't even listed! You know it's the one where they travel back in time to rescue a whale and Spock teaches a young punk on the bus the value of conformity via Vulcan Death Grip. Or was it the one where they traveled back to feudal Japan? Wait, no that was the Ninja Turtles.

I can't decide what to think of Good Ol Billy. He has spun an entire career off of a shortlived 60's TV show where the main plot device was him trying to touch alien boobies. He is either a complete joke or frighteningly brilliant.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Word of the day: Initiaivity

So guess who has 54 things on her 101 things list? Look Ma I am moderately less mediocre
That's right, I am once again doing things. Walking the lake, doing my hair, shopping, applying for Grad School. Perhaps, once again updating my blog? I think so.
To celebrate the doing thingsness that I have recently reclaimed I give you the most precious of my gifts:

Yes, this is a bunny with a Belgian waffle on its head. God, waffles are AMAZING. Thanks Google Images!

Friday, March 10, 2006

You gotta know when to hold 'em... and know when to run.

A family friend, my aunt, and two of my cousins and I were playing cards and my aunt was very very tired. She admitted that she would rather just go to bed than stay up and play any longer. We told her to go, but she hesitated. I said, "What you think we're going to run to the liquor store and pick up some booze and cigars?" Just then my youngest cousin, now 11, pipes up with "And nail polish." We are all staring at him like what the hell, our minds immediately swooping back to the time we all got grounded for painting his nails, when he clarified, "To sniff it."
Of course then I have to open my yap and say "You can't huff nail polish."
Great now two of us are in trouble.

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places

Today I was browsing through the songs available to upload to my new phone.
I had carefully browsed each category until I arrived at "90's." I opened it up and was shocked to find that there were only two songs in it. Apparently the music of the entire decade can be summed up by the following two songs.

Song One:

Pump it up

Song Two:

Pump it up (remix)

Incidentally, I am sorely tempted to pick Mrs. Robinson as my mother's song....

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

You Better Work

Today I read this great article that postulated a new and exciting theory as to why our mainstream kids are falling behind: they're lazy bastards.
I couldn't agree more.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Ben Stein = sexy beast.

What follows is the transcript of an editorial that Ben Stein wrote for the December 18, 2005 CBS Sunday Morning.

Here at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart. I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I'm buying my dog biscuits. I still don't know. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores who they are. They don't know who Nick and Jessica are, either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they've broken up? Why are they so darned important? I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is either, and I don't care at all about Tom Cruise's baby. Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I'm a subversive? Maybe. But I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are. Is this what it means to be no longer young? Hm, not so bad.

Next confession: I am a Jew and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish, and it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautifully lit-up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are — Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say 'Merry Christmas' to me. I don't think they're slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. I shows that we're all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year.

It doesn't bother me one bit that there's a manger scene on display at a key intersection at my beach house in Malibu. If people want a creche, fine. The menorah a few hundred yards away is fine, too. I do not like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution and I don't like it being shoved down my throat. Or maybe I can put it another way. Where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and aren't allowed to worship God as we understand him? I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too. But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we used to know went to.

I like Ben Stein. The snarkiness is pretty hot.