Monday, January 31, 2011

Comeuppance is a B-word

When my cousin Sean was little he used to "miss the target" and I quickly tired of unexpectedly soggy socks and buns in the bathroom. So I told him that there was a potty monster and he liked a tidy potty, so if you made a mess, the potty monster would drag you into the toilet and eat you like a cheeto.

Of course, while achieving the desired effect of a dry potty environment, there were some undesirable side-effects involving nightmares, fear of night-time potty use, and the like. (Hey, cut me some slack, I was a teenager and this is the son man who told 5 year old footie-jammied me that he thought Santa was a burglar and shot him.)

But now Sean isn't the only one scared of the potty. The potty monster is real and lurking in the bowl with his 4 closest friends, according to the world's laziest image from the Seattle Dept. of Public Health website.

I've long been aware that Seattle has a rat problem (though not on the scale of Philly, New York, or Tokyo) and I'd also heard that rats could come up toilets, but I was not aware that Seattle has been tracking the horrifying scourge of toilet rats. For "fun" you can check the map of "Rat in the Toilet Complaints" to see if rats have sprang forth from toilets in your neighborhood.

Luckily the authorities have some advice:

Stay calm?! That's easy for them to say; it's not like a rat tried to touch their hiney with its greasy little rat hands!

I liked Ratatouille as much as the next girl, but GACK!

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'll be turning the lights on the next time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

3D Controversy

Roger Ebert wrote a controversial article about 3D, and I'm seeing a lot of things written about it, so, as a person who sees a lot (A LOT) of movies, I'll weigh in:

RE: 3D distracts from most movies
Q: When done poorly.

RE: Makes people nauseated/causes headaches
Q: Yes, but coupled with Dramamine, it's often ok.

RE: It is designed to force theaters and ticket buyers to spend additional money.
Q: Bastards.

RE: It makes the film literally darker.
Q: I have heard this, but not noticed it as most 3D seems to be set in dark locales. I assume on purpose.

RE: It limits directors.
Q: So says Chris Nolan. So, I'm inclined to agree, being that he actually films films.

RE: It adds nothing "essential" to the movie-going experience.
Q: Not true in every case. I saw a IMAX 3D film about Hubble (Hubble in 3D- returning to PacSci soon), and it was so amazing in 3D that I cried (literally). I doubt a 2D film would have elicited that response. But I did not feel it added most other films I've seen in 3D, for example, Megamind.

RE: It's a gimmick created by Hollywood to lure us into theaters and compete with ever better home viewing experiences.
Q: Yes.

RE: No serious drama could use it well.
Q: Probably not.

I do have a major objection to 3D. And it is NOT that it isn't used well, makes me hurl, and costs more money; all for no story related purpose (most of the time). It is that my eyes readjust more and more quickly with every 3D movie I see.

The first of the new wave of the 3D films I saw was Coraline- and it was 3D the whole time. Nauseating, headache inducing, but excellently utilized, 3D. I watched nearly the entirety of Avatar without my eyes readjusting (though I did get a headache- even with dramamine).

But now, I couldn't get halfway through Megamind without my eyes readjusting. High cost and physical discomfort drive me away from the desire to see anything in 3D. The only reason I see movies in 3D is so that my friends, who obviously don't have as gifted eyes, can go in 3D. And that scarcely seems worth it.

Films that make too much use of 3D, at the expense of better filmaking, look dreadful in 2D; Clash of the Titans, for example. It makes people lazy, and if I pay extra for 3D, I want to see it in 3D. Not in sea-sick, headachey, sloppily made, expensive 2D.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Probably not going to die yet...

just FYI.

Apparently the horrible occasional pain is likely some kind of muscle spasm. Probably in my esophagus.

So that's fun.

In other news, someone explain why I can't have Jimmy John's everyday.

I think this is a great idea. Maybe I should run this idea by my esophagus first.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I'm a Ramblin' [Wo]Man

MySpace, it's not me, it's you.
So, did you guys also get a pathetic email from MySpace begging for you to come back? Did it squick you out when it said: "The new Myspace provides the best social entertainment experience on Earth. For serious."

Really "new" MySpace, "for serious"? Blech.

Also, you want me to "connect with new like-minded friends. Are you calling me a sex worker? Because as near as I can tell MySpace is entirely populated with porn-stars, escorts, foreign ladies looking for love, and random dudes (dude bots?) who think I'm "hawt" and we should "get together, girl".

Thanks, but no.

My spleen may explode, but maybe not
So occasionally when I'm eating, or just sitting there, minding my own business I will get this intense stabby pain under my ribcage on the left hand side. Since it was only occasional pain, I did nothing about it. Now I've been notified that it could be my spleen, or shingles (which I had before and don't remember much of other than pain pain pain), or maybe syphilis (Muffin would have some 'splaining to do) so I should just go to the doctor. So I am and I will update you on whether or not I may die soonish so you can keep your RSS stuff in order.

Is clumsiness a symptom of horrible disease? Just checking....
Today I tripped over my own feet, ran into a chair, spilled granola all over my desk, and got a paper cut. Maybe I should have stayed in bed?

I am officially an enormous girl
My friend Czabrina learned that wearing an eyemask while you sleep really improves the length and quality of sleep, so she made an eye mask for me for Christmas. It is awesome. I'm sleeping very well. If my mood is better, it is definitely the eye mask. And now I feel like a diva, in a good way.

In other enormous girl news
Angie and I are having a new fitness initiative that we've named Big Ass to Bad Ass. Of course my ultimate goal is to be able to be able to best Muffin in hand to hand combat, but being able to open jars, climb lots of stairs, and look hot in a swimsuit are also secondary goals. Tonight we weigh in, calculate body fat, count pushups and crunches, and measure circumferences. *Gulp*

Then for 3 months we will work like crazy! We plan to do a little hiking, a little dancing, and a lot of gym time. We both plan to start counting calories again. I hope to be pretty buff by Spring, so you'd better watch your back, Muffin.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Frolic Frolic Frolic

The Roommy and I made sure to run around outside last night; we just couldn't let the kids enjoy pristine snow.

Too bad you are kids and have to go to bed early! We can stay up late and watch Walking Dead on our Tivo and then hop around in the snow!!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Downton Abbey Update for Boring Smart People

My friend Beau notified me that Downton Abbey, in its proper original format, is available on DVD right now at Amazon. And will be available on Netflix on 1/25.

The blu-ray will come out in April.

Happy viewing!

PS- PBS can still suck it. Maybe to draw in more American viewers they should have called Sherlock:
"Like the mouse in the Great Mouse Detective, but in modern London, and without Ratigan and also not a mouse."
"Weird guy solves mysteries by being very smart."

Sunday, January 09, 2011

You don't always have a choice when it comes to your motto.

Or, "I am what I am."

The great thing about being home and spending time doing things alone, or with just my roommy or Muffin, is the amount of introspection this allows.

On New Year's Day Muffin and I had dinner with an old friend of his who recounted a story about me. On a night out drinking with a large group, Muffin and I detoured to 7-11 before following the others to the condo to post-funk. My eventual entry to the condo was described thus:

"Fuck y'all, I've got a Slurpee."

At the time I objected stating I said no such thing and, furthermore, there is nothing wrong with a good late night Slurpee and given the proximity of the 7-11, this was not totally crazy.

It was pointed out to me that it was December and below freezing; also I was eating beef jerky from the beef jerky bin. He clarified that there was an air of such casualness and coupled with such great enjoyment and utter disregard to norms, that "Fuck y'all, I've got a Slurpee" was wafting off me.

I didn't understand how weather or norms related to Slurpees, or the sweet perfection of salty chewy beef jerky softened and chilled by a sugary slurry of semisolid "cherry" beverage.

After thought, I realize that this is essential to my character. I don't allow things like the relative distance between my self and the sun, or the unsanitary nature of open jerky barrels hold me back from what I want.

In the same way that I sewed a large rubber lobster squeaky lobster on my backpack in high school, I do whatever I want and simply don't care.

So you know what? Screw it. As personal mottoes go, it isn't classy, but it is absolutely accurate.

Fuck y'all, I've got a Slurpee.

Yes, this is me, with a limited edition Iron Man Slurpee, grilling in the snow while wearing a 600 pollyfill coat and Batman gloves.

Friday, January 07, 2011

Dear Ms. Eaton,

I'm pretty irked by the news that you felt the need to cut the apparently amazing BBC series Downton Abbey in order to make it easier American PBS audiences understand.

"We thought there might be too many references to the entail and they have been cut. It is not a concept people in the US are very familiar with." [said Rebecca Eaton, Executive Producer at PBS, who obviously thinks very little of me].

"American audiences are used to a different speed when it comes to television drama and you need to get into a story very quickly. We also wanted to get to the point where Matthew Crawley arrives on the scene much faster than in the British version. He is a pivotal character and his arrival brings with it drama and conflict. In the British version he doesn't arrive until episode two. In our version he is there in episode one." (From the Daily Telegraph, which I read, in spite of Ms. Eaton's misgivings about my metal abilities and attention span.)

It's true, class struggle oriented, period costume dramas with slow building and complex plot lines aren't too typical in the States, but, Ms. Eaton, you give us too little credit. If one replaces period costume with ripped button-downs and cutoffs and you may find LOST.

Furthermore, what person with a vagina in America has not read or watched Pride & Prejudice? I'm pretty sure anyone who has is at least passingly familiar with the concept of entailment.

And, not to be a dick, but for every random viewer you draw in with Prime Suspect or the fascinating modernized Sherlock and attempt to retain through Little Dorrit, there are 40 viewers there to watch Little Dorrit, but stick around for more titillating shows because they are smart and quite possibly boring people. These are your target audience. Smart and boring people who would rather eat their own faces than watch the eleventy millionth season of The Bachelorette. People who still read books. People who either know what entailment is or can pause the Tivo and Google it.

Why are you pandering and talking down to an America, which if it does require simple television, does so because it has been condescended to so long by people like yourself? Give us the opportunity to decide what is too challenging. Give your viewers the intellectual stimulation that motivates our interest in PBS to begin with, or start showing Millionaire Matchmaker. But don't propose to make me a lovely steak dinner and then chew it for me.

No thanks.

I'm probably not going to watch Downton Abbey on PBS, because of the gratuitous editing, for the following two reasons:
  1. I find this characterization of American PBS viewers both unjust and insulting, and
  2. I genuinely desire to view this art with its original design and cultural identity intact.

Accusing us of being incapable of enjoying intellectually challenging television is demeaning and misses the opportunity to both demonstrate that entertainment which requires thought is just as worthwhile as other forms created to stifle it, and simultaneously teach us a little bit about turn of the century English society, culture, and inheritance law. These kinds of experiences are what I had thought were the point of PBS to begin with.

But, it's hard to say, on account of how slow I am.

Hugs and kisses,

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Please don't text and drive.

Stress Pig knows what you are doing and doesn't like it one bit.

Many of you may remember Stress Pig, the poor soul who died so that I might not bust out of my cubical like the Kool-Aid Man and throw a copy machine at someone.

Saddest day ever. Also a bad day for the copy machine. Kidding. Sorta.

Well my dear friends Drew and Tia (thanks guys!) located a replacement pig, henceforth to also be named Stress Pig, because I am uncreative.

The new Stress Pig seems a little intense to me though. Maybe he reads my blog?

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Welcome to the year of not crazy.

Today I stayed in bed till 10. And then, when I got up, I totally didn't make the bed.


Happy New Year, friends!