Monday, October 31, 2005

So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel

Yesterday I was watching Myth Busters, one of my favorite shows and they were trying to bust the urban myth that in a car collision, your tissue box in the back seat can become a lethal projectile. They tested a whole bunch of stuff that they said might be in the back seat of a car… a bobble head, a fire extinguisher… an axe… a bowling ball. Later that day my friend Monica and I were running to the store real quick and I was telling her about the show. I was going on “Well unless I was returning from a fruitful trip to Crazy Frank’s Axe Emporium I couldn’t imagine why I would have an axe in my back seat. And the bowling ball…” At that crucial moment heard a clink and thud. That would be the sound of the bowling ball rolling around my backseat.
Ok, Jamie, you win that point but I still think that the axe is a bit much.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Tender Morsels

So NPR ran a story on Morning Edition this morning about how chimps are selfish bastards. Apparently this study was done where there were chimps in cages that shared walls. One chimp had two ropes it could pull. Rope one would feed him banana chunks. Rope two would feed him AND his neighbor banana chunks. The results showed that out of the tested chimps, only 40% of food releases came from pulls to the second rope, in spite of the chimps in the neighboring cages begging and pointing to their mouths going “Ahh, ahh!” So, even though they had nothing to lose the chimps still wouldn’t help their neighbors out. After the initial story ended another scientist protested that he’s seen kindness among chimps and that maybe they were just really excited about the banana. Well, I hear that.

But this scientist must not have cable because my buddy Steve watched this documentary The Dark Side of Chimps or as Steve calls it, Chimps are Bastards the Movie. He told me that chimps in their natural state eat monkeys and baby monkeys most particularly as they are more tender and delicious. So when the monkey’s habitat got destroyed and they left/died off, the chimps went for the next best thing, human babies, which are also tender and delicious.

The moral of the story: watch out for Steve.

Friday, October 21, 2005

I guess they didn't all make it onto the ark....

Today at a rather tedious meeting about a new program, the woman running it, who I am quite fond of, kept referring to the elusive 'asstrich'.
Yes, you see that the fields on this form that have an asstrich must be filled out before you can click 'submit.'
Yes, I see that is quite clear. Now if an ostrich is a large flightless bird; then is an asstrich a large flightless ass? Does this then imply that somewhere out there (I would conjecture Africa, as that is where ostriches live) there are large flying asses?
Patrick, you live in Africa, please do some research on this.

Jim or Ron, you folks are artsy, this is the perfect place for the artist's rendition of the asstrich in it's natural environs.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Watch it.


Here he fights while on fire.

That is barbed-wire, jumps through it at a full run.

Tuk-Tuk chase scene.

They didn't use any wires in this movie.

Look, he fights these badasses....

Best marital arts movie ever made, hands down.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Bon Appetit, asshole!

So, Married Guy at Work Who Sucks at Adultery, you’ve realized I’m mad at you. Good job! Apparently, you haven’t figured out why. I’ve determined this by your kind invitation to lunch. The invite came at the end of a long series of emails that you were too lazy to follow up on and asked me to follow up on for you. Thanks for the invite, I wasn’t sure I’d be free for lunch this Saturday, but I forwarded your email to your boss, my boss, the teacher who asked the question you were too lazy to answer in the first place, and her boss, just in case they could make it.

Work is for Suckers, Where's my Sugar Daddy?

Dear colleagues,

Do not imply that I am prettier than you in a nasty way. Do not tell me that I don’t need to be on a diet. I’M NOT ON A DIET. I like salad. Perhaps if you liked salad you would not need to be on a diet. Additionally, I’ve gained nearly 30 pounds since college so if I want to go on a diet, you should understand. I am 50 or more pounds lighter and 20 years younger, I’m going to be cuter. I bet when you were 25 you were pretty cute too.

Please do not disparage my cute outfits. Yes I have nice clothes and accessories. Due to the availability of self-esteem and cheap birth control methods in this modern age I have been able to not get pregnant. The dearth of piano lessons, Abercrombie Kids denim minis, and orthodontist bills keeps my lifestyle nice and cheap. I can spoil myself, not my children, so don’t act like I’m behaving selfishly. We all make choices in life. I bet you wouldn’t trade your rug-rats for a Coach handbag so don’t act butt-hurt about no having one.

I don’t want your wastrel nephew, son, or godson. If nobody else wants them I assure you that I am not going to buck the trend.

I also don’t need to be reassured about not being married. I’ve been dodging that bullet for years, so don’t bug me. I don’t know if I will get married and it is certainly not your business to discuss my fictitious children. It is up to my fictitious husband and myself to determine whether or not we want to face the immense life-long responsibility of parenthood, or to simply get a dog and spend a lot of time traveling and buying cute shoes.

PS- Don’t touch me.
PPS- Don’t hit on me.
PPPS- Don’t sneak up behind me in my cube.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Give Mama Some Sugar

Look Nosey Old Lady at Work, I could overlook the day when you said “does somebody have a case of the Mondays?” hell I could even over look the times you have tried to hug me and I had to go into Emergency Human Contact Avoidance Mode; but when you threw out my chocolate pudding cup, you crossed the line.
Granted that very same pudding cup was in the fridge two weeks and the Fridge Dictator, un-shockingly you, made Fridge Residencies of over 1 week illegal. However, as it was a sealed Jello Pudding Cup, I had thought it would qualify for the Condiment Dispensation Act.
It’s a Jello Pudding Cup for Christ’s sake, it is not going to go bad. Possibly ever. In fact, during the end days it will be cockroaches and pudding cups square dancing on our graves.
The only thing that gets me through the day is my two o’clock treat break. It is 1:45 and I have nothing to look forward to and nothing is more dangerous than a woman with nothing left to lose.