Monday, October 31, 2005
Ok, Jamie, you win that point but I still think that the axe is a bit much.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
So NPR ran a story on Morning Edition this morning about how chimps are selfish bastards. Apparently this study was done where there were chimps in cages that shared walls. One chimp had two ropes it could pull. Rope one would feed him banana chunks. Rope two would feed him AND his neighbor banana chunks. The results showed that out of the tested chimps, only 40% of food releases came from pulls to the second rope, in spite of the chimps in the neighboring cages begging and pointing to their mouths going “Ahh, ahh!” So, even though they had nothing to lose the chimps still wouldn’t help their neighbors out. After the initial story ended another scientist protested that he’s seen kindness among chimps and that maybe they were just really excited about the banana. Well, I hear that.
But this scientist must not have cable because my buddy Steve watched this documentary The Dark Side of Chimps or as Steve calls it, Chimps are Bastards the Movie. He told me that chimps in their natural state eat monkeys and baby monkeys most particularly as they are more tender and delicious. So when the monkey’s habitat got destroyed and they left/died off, the chimps went for the next best thing, human babies, which are also tender and delicious.
The moral of the story: watch out for Steve.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Yes, you see that the fields on this form that have an asstrich must be filled out before you can click 'submit.'
Yes, I see that is quite clear. Now if an ostrich is a large flightless bird; then is an asstrich a large flightless ass? Does this then imply that somewhere out there (I would conjecture Africa, as that is where ostriches live) there are large flying asses?
Patrick, you live in Africa, please do some research on this.
Jim or Ron, you folks are artsy, this is the perfect place for the artist's rendition of the asstrich in it's natural environs.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
Do not imply that I am prettier than you in a nasty way. Do not tell me that I don’t need to be on a diet. I’M NOT ON A DIET. I like salad. Perhaps if you liked salad you would not need to be on a diet. Additionally, I’ve gained nearly 30 pounds since college so if I want to go on a diet, you should understand. I am 50 or more pounds lighter and 20 years younger, I’m going to be cuter. I bet when you were 25 you were pretty cute too.
Please do not disparage my cute outfits. Yes I have nice clothes and accessories. Due to the availability of self-esteem and cheap birth control methods in this modern age I have been able to not get pregnant. The dearth of piano lessons, Abercrombie Kids denim minis, and orthodontist bills keeps my lifestyle nice and cheap. I can spoil myself, not my children, so don’t act like I’m behaving selfishly. We all make choices in life. I bet you wouldn’t trade your rug-rats for a Coach handbag so don’t act butt-hurt about no having one.
I don’t want your wastrel nephew, son, or godson. If nobody else wants them I assure you that I am not going to buck the trend.
I also don’t need to be reassured about not being married. I’ve been dodging that bullet for years, so don’t bug me. I don’t know if I will get married and it is certainly not your business to discuss my fictitious children. It is up to my fictitious husband and myself to determine whether or not we want to face the immense life-long responsibility of parenthood, or to simply get a dog and spend a lot of time traveling and buying cute shoes.
PS- Don’t touch me.
PPS- Don’t hit on me.
PPPS- Don’t sneak up behind me in my cube.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Granted that very same pudding cup was in the fridge two weeks and the Fridge Dictator, un-shockingly you, made Fridge Residencies of over 1 week illegal. However, as it was a sealed Jello Pudding Cup, I had thought it would qualify for the Condiment Dispensation Act.
It’s a Jello Pudding Cup for Christ’s sake, it is not going to go bad. Possibly ever. In fact, during the end days it will be cockroaches and pudding cups square dancing on our graves.
The only thing that gets me through the day is my two o’clock treat break. It is 1:45 and I have nothing to look forward to and nothing is more dangerous than a woman with nothing left to lose.