Saturday, May 31, 2008

Most Adorable-est Thing Ever

Yesterday I saw this very scary looking man loitering on the side of the road, where the kids get picked up by the bus. He was in baggy sweats, with his hood up. He had a face that said that his life had been rough. It made me a bit nervous. As I got closer I noticed that he was holding the hand of a very well appointed little girl. Shiny shoes, little socks with lacey edges, a dress, coat, and tiny pink back pack and a perfect pony tail. There were no other parents there, just this one shabby man with his magazine picture perfect daughter, spinning around and swinging his arm.

I am touched by this man in his pajamas at the bus stop in the cold at 7 am. They’re in front of low income housing and his child seems happy and impeccably groomed. He is the lone parent, making sure that all the kids are safe.

I don't think that anyone would screw with him.

Friday, May 30, 2008

New Blog!

I’ve run into a problem with wanting to make more in depth comments about movies and books, but not being able to due to spoiler concerns. So I’ve started a companion blog to Seattle Umbrella Conspiracy, SpoilersSUC. After I watch or read something and feel compelled to jabber about it I will jabber on SpoilersSUC and simply provide the link here on SUC Classic. Every time I update SpoilersSUC I will link it in a post on SUC, so you do not need to add it to your feeds, unless you are too lazy to click the hyperlink.

Hopefully this can be a good forum to discuss movies immediately after I see them without ruining them for the slow pokes.

So, if you haven't seen Indiana Jones 4 and don't want to read the spoilers do not click the link, but if you don't mind the spoilers, my first entry is Over-Thinking Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Skull.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

SUC's Helpful Hints: Moving Edition

When labeling a box containing sheets, towels, and a rolling pin, do not label it “Kitchen”. You can live without a rolling pin, but you can’t shower without a towel. Well, I guess you can shower, but you can’t slide pants across a wet ass.

The move is complete. In fact I’m very nearly unpacked. It was not quite the Rats of NYMH-style epic house moving adventure that I had preconceived, as there were no blood thirsty evil cats trying to devour me, (that I know of).

House warming gifts may be sent to:

Quiana von Awesome
42 Awesome Blvd.
Awesome Town, WA 29766

No wind chimes please, as we totally already have one.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Well, what if I don't enjoy being a girl?

This is a post I wrote some time ago and then didn't bother to post. So here it is, late:

What then, I ask you, dear readers. What then?

Yesterday as I was beautifying myself (read removing perfectly good, perfectly natural hair from my person) I was thinking about all the effort that I put into my appearance. Things to be plucked, cut, painted, powdered, filed, waxed, shaved, curled, washed- sometimes twice in different substances, dried, straightened, moisturized, deodorized, and perfumed. And I am not even a high maintenance girl.

And I don't even do all of these things for myself. In fact, tomorrow I'm having a stranger scrub the rough spots off of my feet, trim my toenails, and decorate them. (Newsflash! I can reach my own feet.)

How on Earth did this all come about? This week I bought face wash, body wash, shaving cream, shampoo, toothpaste, TWO kinds of lotion and powder made from beetle bits to put above my eyes (in order that people will say, "Well Gladys, look at how BROWN those eyes are. They are precisely as brown as poo. Or maybe dirt."), and a sponge that looks a little bit like an alien sheep.

If you think about the fact that I make essentially no money, less than your average American citizen, and yet I manage to spend x energy and y time and z resources.

This morning I:
weighed myself
brushed my teeth
swished fluoride
washed my hair
conditioned my hair
washed my face with one soap
and body with another
anointed myself with THREE different lotions
applied deodorant
dressed myself
used 2 kinds of powder
applied bronzer
applied blush
blow dried my hair with TWO different dryers
straitened my hair
used hair product
used brow gel
applied 3 shades of eyeshadow
curled my eye lashes
applied clear mascara
filled my nalgene bottle
walked out the door

Sure this is a bit more effort than I put in every day, but on days when I meet with clients I like to look professional.

Here is a simulation of what I assume Steve did this morning.
played with himself
washed hair (possibly more)
brushed his teeth
applied deodorant
put on clothes
wandered out confusedly

I, like morning Steve, am confused by why I feel I must shave or pluck my hair. Why I wear colored dust above my eyes. Why people feel like I should.

Meh... I guess I neither understand, nor enjoy "being a girl". But it could be worse; there are scarier places to be a girl than America today. (Although reality TV may yet convince me otherwise.)

Monday, May 26, 2008

Happy Memorial Day

I have no kin (military or otherwise) buried in the greater Seattle region to honor with flowers today. Instead I will honor their sacrifice in the traditional mode- BBQ and baseball viewing. Things that I can enjoy thanks to their efforts.

I know that things are not the way they should be in America today, but America is the greatest dream. Something that we should work towards every day; a goal based on the foundation that liberty is worth dying for.

I hope you can celebrate in a similar manner, enjoying the plenty available in America, while remembering the fallen soldiers who gave their lives to protect our borders, wealth, and ideals.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Things I Don't Understand: Wind Chimes

So I guess you think to yourself, "Hey, Self, you don't have enough random needless noise. Here just take these pipes and a rock and then hang them on some twine and the wind will do all the pipe banging you could need, and MORE!"
Then you think back to yourself, "Thanks, Self. You're the smartest person ever, now lets go see if we can tip a Coke machine on ourself."

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Oh hey, and PS-

My most recent serious relationship ex is engaged.

I can't help but consistently compare myself to his aggressively arranged normalcy. Shouldn't I want to get married and raise moppets and own a house and garden in mom jeans?

I think I only have one remaining serious relationship ex who is still single. Well Peter, I guess we are both similarly defective. Uhm... congrats on that.

I suppose the alternative is that I ruined you, you know, forever.

Here's hoping that you are merely by nature a surly curmudgeon, just like me.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Not precisely the brave one.

When I was 17 I realized that I had to leave home. That being at home was detrimental for me. So I applied to numerous colleges, most at random, and entered Bryn Mawr College. It was cheap due to their fantastic financial aid policies, but better yet, it was 3,000 miles away.

I didn't visit. I packed my bags utterly without thought and flew to Philadelphia without a worry. It was the college I could most afford and the best college I got into.

2 years later I switched majors and decided to study in Japan for a year. I arrived with $1,000 in Yen, and no plan of any kind. I was utterly unconcerned. (Other than the fact that it was a billion degrees and as humid as a sauna.) I didn't start worrying until everything started to fly apart at a rapid rate. But that is a story for a different time.

Nearly two years later I blew off the east coast and returned to Seattle with $300 dollars in my pocket and no place to go.

Tomorrow I'm moving 11 miles, back to within mere yards of my old high school, and I am seized with anxiety. This is a move arranged a year ago, to a location that I've been aware of for almost two months and have been preparing for for weeks. A move I can afford. A move that will be closer to my office and my family.

And yet I feel like moving out of the city is the release of a hundred potential Quianas, fantasy Quianas that I have held onto. Quiana who works downtown and makes money. Enviro-chic Quiana who shops at the farmers market, attends lectures, and reads books while sipping free trade coffee at the lake. Grad student Quiana who went back to college to become something snooty.

It also signals the moving on from previous Quianas that are passed but clung to. Cool Quiana who knew all the new bars and clubs. Sporty Quiana who ran daily. Man-Eater Quiana who was inexplicably attractive to strangers in any locale. Stupidly Young Quiana.

And letting go of these things is hard for me. I am at a point in my life where I need to make a map and push ahead into the future. I need new Dream Quianas.

I know this is true, but change is scary. Change is risk.

Of course it doesn't help that I have an anxiety disorder. As a young person I survived by just covering my eyes and jumping, I always felt that the bottom was so close that what harm could come if I missed my mark.

But since then I have built things I could lose. Strong relationships with friends and family, a job that I feel good about, and financial stability. I feel comfortable and that is dangerous. When you move up in life it is best not to look down. But I need to look down to assure myself of how high I've come. To remind myself that the bottom is down there. I'm always looking down.

That is how it is to have an anxiety disorder.

Anyway, I guess what I am getting at is that tomorrow I am moving and things will be fine. I know they will be fine. But that does not stop me from feeling like my life could come crashing down at any moment.

If it does come crashing down, at least my downfall will include beer and pizza.

2007 versus 2008

I am actually spending less on gas this year than last year, in spite of gas being much more expensive. About $15 bucks less a month on average, though gas is nearly $.70 more per gallon. I guess I have changed my habits in some manner. I wish I was running my incredibly boring, but becoming more verbose blog last year in order to see what I am doing differently and replicate it only more so.

I know $15 isn’t a lot, but when you consider the price difference, it is somewhat significant. I will be curious to see what happens when my commute is 2.3 miles (about 6-7 minutes in town driving) instead of 11.1 miles (about 20 minutes in good traffic, a clusterfuck in bad traffic*). I’m also considering biking it to work. I figure I could use the exercise.

I’ve also clearly become more selfish, as I’ve spent about $200 more on entertainment this year than the same period last year and literally twice as much on shopping, but about half as much on gifts as last year. My spending is absolutely out of control this year.

I need to come up with a new spending strategy, because not having one at all has turned out to be terribly costly, and as I have said before, I need to kill off these student loans as the economy is unlikely to be puppies and flowers any time soon.

*Traffic is always mysteriously bad southbound on I-5 from North Gate and onto the Ship Canal Bridge. I refuse to believe that there is a constant stream of southbound traffic that never goes north again. There is clearly something wrong with the engineering of southbound I-5 through that area. Something is not properly designed, because I sincerely doubt that there is a steady stream of refugees from Canada sneaking continually southward to Mexico in American vehicles.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Thought of the Day: Where is the Line?

How expensive do you think gas will need to get per gallon before people will start taking the bus? Then in turn how long do you think it will be horrid and crowded on busses before Seattle gets improved public transport?

According to the King County Dept. of Transportation, January –March of 2008 only had an increased ridership of 6% from the same period last year.

Everett reported an 8% increase (my assumption is that it is harder to walk to places in Everett than Seattle and the Naval base probably increases the number of persons without cars[?]). [Source.]

According to some calculations I made at a variety of sites, gas was approximately an average of $3.23 a gallon from January to March of this year, compared to the approximate average of $2.56 over the same period last year. So theoretically, admitting the possibility of other contributing factors, a $.67 increase in gas prices motivated a 6% increase in ridership. Gas is now $4 a gallon, a $.70 increase, so will it follow that another 6% increase is in the making?

If I had more accurate data I could rock this party, but I think it will be interesting to see what happens as gas prices continue to rise. And they will because 6 years ago gas prices and crude oil prices were hovering neck and neck, but as time has passed crude oil prices have shot up dramatically, particularly in the past year or so, but gas prices have not risen proportionately. See nifty chart below. You will notice that crude is now waaaaaaaay up there. So, I would assume that if crude oil prices were simply to hold exactly where they are (snort) we are still looking at at least $6 gas when we catch up.

Things I wish I could say on work voice mails:

Hi, it’s Quiana calling and I just wanted you to know that there is no place in the pile of paperwork that you sent me that does not contain an error. Clearly you did not attempt to read the instructions or think at all about what you were writing as every single statement in here is either non-topical, incorrect, or illegal.

I will be having a memorial day weekend BBQ at which your paperwork will be used as fuel. Please come eat some meat, it will be affidava-licious.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Someone's got balls.

And that person is not Steve.

A couple weeks ago Steve accidentally left his Shuffle in plain view in his Honda and predictably someone stole it. But more significantly, recently someone pointed out to Steve that something else was also stolen. For Steve's last birthday I got him 20 sided fuzzy dice. Yes. Someone stole Steve's giant fuzzy RPG balls. Right out of his car.

How many role playing criminals do you suppose are out there? Apparently this elf-thief rolled a 20 in sneak.

Gamers are nerds and nerds are smart, so I allege that nobody wants to steal a measly Shuffle (for sale at Target for $50) but rather someone was out to steal Steve's furry balls. The Shuffle theft was merely the cover they needed to commit the real crime: neutering Steve.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Topics not ok for the office: my fertility

For the last 12 years or so I have been drinking out of Nalgene bottles every day. About 2 years ago I heard that #7 plastics often contain BPA, a chemical that has in studies been linked to infertility in gorillas, maybe cancer, and maybe obesity.

There are so many things that may kill me, that I decided that if I had been drinking out of the bottles for a decade, I may well already be fucked. Since I have no plans on having children, no history of cancer in my family, and will in all likelihood get fat I decided screw it, I'll keep drinking out of my current bottles.

However, this news recently hit the mainstream media and now instead of the occasional eco-buff bothering me about my drinking container choices, I am inundated with Frontline watching nitwits criticizing my beverage holders. When they tell me about the cancer thing I tell them that everything causes cancer. When they tell about the obesity, I warn that I am in greater danger from bacon and pie. But then they get to infertility. I have no intention of having a baby. I am not certain I want a child, but if I do, I will be socially responsible and adopt one. However, this is none of their business.

I'm always faced with a choice: the awkward "I don't plan to have kids" with the obligatory "you'd be such a great mother!" (obviously they don't know me well) or the condescending "you'll change your mind when you meet the right guy" responses (which always tempts me to claim lesbianism) or I can make the birth control cost savings joke (ha ha totally not work appropriate).

So, I am bending again to the will of the bahing masses and have joined water club (our pay to drink bottled water group at work) and will buy a metal bottle (which will later be found to contribute to third eye syndrome) for other locales.

If this will cease the workplace discussions of my ovarian viability, it is worth $10 a quarter and a new $20 water bottle. But what the hell should I do with my perfectly good Nalgenes?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

What?! Another bad day.

Yes. Another bad day.

1. Found out that my job is secure. Buuuuuut... I found out that I'm not getting a raise that I absolutely expected.

2. I was chided for coming in to the office while sick and told that my health is more important- but I had critical work to accomplish and no one to take care of it if I'm not there. So fine. If I'm not super-peachy awesome feeling tomorrow I will go ahead and stay home. It just kills me that I'm being punished for doing important work that has to get done.

3. I am sicker today than yesterday. This is crazy-pants.

In other news:

My mind is all agog with mixed up muddled worries. Cancelling my attendance at a friend's wedding, moving, my endlessly overfull ridiculously complicated schedule, where to hide while infirmed tomorrow, what to do with my future, when to use my new dutch oven etc. etc. etc. Last night I couldn't sleep until the cat crawled over and headbutted me into slumber.

Do I have more funny cat stories for you?! Yes I do, you lucky bastard! Day before yesterday I was doing a routine nasal irrigation (still single!) and the cat had been following me all over all day, so naturally, it hopped onto the counter to enjoy the show. As the disgusting water came pouring from my nostril, kitty thought, "ooooooooh I think I might like to put my paw in that particular stream of water, it looks clean and gorgeous!" And I bellowed, "No kitty!" and blew nostril water all over. Just another day in my awesome life.

Sorry guys, that is the end of the cavalcade of awesome stories. Tune in next time when I explain how to change a light bulb in excruciating detail- a 97 part series.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I’m singlehandedly bringing sexy back.

By which I mean I am sick. Again.

Hence the lack of blog. I would conjecture that one of two things is occurring:

  1. Jesus hates me.
  2. Jesus loves me and is building up a resistance to the mega-zombie plague which will wipe all you suckers out.

In other “news” I need to use 8 vacation days before September 1 or loose them. Someone supply me with awesome and inexpensive vacation plans.

That’s all I’ve got. Off to blow my nose now.

Have a nice day. Thank you, come again.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Family Sunday Dinner- Bear Attacks and Whatnot

Recorded 4/6/8.

Powered by

Apocolypse... now?

Right now? Yes.

I don't want to say that the end is neigh, but I just received a thank you call. That is my second "thank you" in a month. A MONTH WITH TWO "THANK YOU"S.

People say "thanks", but a dedicated email or phone call is now to be forever cherished in the tiny little crusty organ, which some may assert is my "heart".

I am all cherries and feathers. Puppies and flowers.

Hurrah Hurrah!


Between the looming possibility of being laid off, the redistribution of work from those already laid off, the general grumble-snort malaise/barely suppressed anger at the office, applying for a raise (ha! ha! good timing, self), my already kind of high pressure job being in highest pressure season, volunteering at the Con, moving, dog sitting, tutoring, wrangling my elderly relatives, and dealing with all of these god damned weddings all of the god damned time, I am just a wee little bit stressed out.

A little prone to emotional outbursts. A little prone to have erm... "feelings". The presence of feelings giving rise to the possibility that they can be wounded.


From DOOM to cherries and feathers and back again to doom. I am feeling just a tad bit panicky and manic.

Arg! Arg!

Tonight, on Quiana's SCHEDULE OF DOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:
1. Sell remaining books to Half Price (aka unreasonably snotty community college students who rip me off). (Needless parenthetical sidenote- I have made $80 so far selling back books and CDs. Who is a smug pug? This girl.)
2. Find more boxes.
3. Buy massive amounts of speed.
4. Stay up for the next week straight.
5. Pack frantically/party like a rock star.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Sunday Family Dinner- Picking on Sean

Second clip recorded on April 6th, 2008.

Just prior to the start of this clip it is mentioned that Sean looks like a Beattle and needs a haircut from a reputable 'full service' salon with the entire hair control regimen. Then Jess turns to Sean and says....

Monday, May 05, 2008

Sunday Family Dinner- Grandma's Death Yard

As previously reported, I have started semi-covertly recording Sunday Family Dinner at my uncle's house. The usual suspects are all present and the topic is dangerous animal attack incidents at Ye Olde Schnauzer Ranch, aka Grandma and Grandpa (Roy)'s house.

Perhaps this will give you a wee little taste of what it is like to grow up in this family.... (By which I mean... awesome.)

Totally SFW if you're allowed to fritter away your time in this manner.

Recorded on April 6, 2008.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Advice for you.

I just want to make sure that if you are twiddling your thumbs saying, "Ho-hum, what shall I do tonight?" the answer is see Iron Man. I saw it last night and was very impressed.

It isn't about being a super hero and it isn't just about power and responsibility. It's about regrets, learning, greed, success, war, about who is really a 'good guy', and being an American at war and what that means.

It was fantastic. Well acted. Well written. Very funny.

Yes, I read comics. But this movie would have still been awesome, even if you think comic books are sophomoric, and super heroes are cheap. (Debbie Downer!)

I don't want to oversell it, but go and see it for yourself. (So that I can discuss it with someone.)

Thursday, May 01, 2008


1. Some random blog (can't remember which-sorry!) alerted me to this footage of boomerangs in space. So if you're a nerd, that's pretty neat.

2. I'm seeing Iron Man tonight, and I am getting pretty excited! I had to do my "I'm gonna see Iron Man tonight"-dance and my coworkers were amazed. Said one, "I have no idea what that is, but you're certainly excited."
Yes. Yes, I am. (You ignorant ass-muppet!) (Kidding!) (Not really!)
Ah the delightful culmination of all my dreams. Tee hee!

3. I think I have finally determined how to get Family Sunday Dinner excerpts to play on the blog. Now I just need to cut them to awesome nibblets.

4. My stuff is all very heavy and in the way of important things like the fridge and the bathroom. I am becoming eager to move my box city to a new location, such as not in my god damned way.

Here is the official list of why it will be awesome to move.
1. Parking for me.
2. Parking for other people.
3. Twelve minute round trip commute.
4. Possibility of biking to work.
5. Walking distance to stores at which I can afford to buy food.
6. Live-in spider-killer.
7. People will not steal my newspaper anymore.
8. No upstairs neighbor.
9. No crazy landlord... I hope. (Kidding!!)
10. Five minutes from Sunday Family Dinner.
11. New gold fish?
12. Can join a CSA.
13. Bigger kitchen.
14. Not living alone, a mile from Aurora, on the first floor, with no security system, or attack ninjas.
15. Closer to The Comic Stop.
16. Nice springy track at a nearby school.
17. Closer to dogsitting clients.