Sunday, May 18, 2008

Topics not ok for the office: my fertility

For the last 12 years or so I have been drinking out of Nalgene bottles every day. About 2 years ago I heard that #7 plastics often contain BPA, a chemical that has in studies been linked to infertility in gorillas, maybe cancer, and maybe obesity.

There are so many things that may kill me, that I decided that if I had been drinking out of the bottles for a decade, I may well already be fucked. Since I have no plans on having children, no history of cancer in my family, and will in all likelihood get fat I decided screw it, I'll keep drinking out of my current bottles.

However, this news recently hit the mainstream media and now instead of the occasional eco-buff bothering me about my drinking container choices, I am inundated with Frontline watching nitwits criticizing my beverage holders. When they tell me about the cancer thing I tell them that everything causes cancer. When they tell about the obesity, I warn that I am in greater danger from bacon and pie. But then they get to infertility. I have no intention of having a baby. I am not certain I want a child, but if I do, I will be socially responsible and adopt one. However, this is none of their business.

I'm always faced with a choice: the awkward "I don't plan to have kids" with the obligatory "you'd be such a great mother!" (obviously they don't know me well) or the condescending "you'll change your mind when you meet the right guy" responses (which always tempts me to claim lesbianism) or I can make the birth control cost savings joke (ha ha totally not work appropriate).

So, I am bending again to the will of the bahing masses and have joined water club (our pay to drink bottled water group at work) and will buy a metal bottle (which will later be found to contribute to third eye syndrome) for other locales.

If this will cease the workplace discussions of my ovarian viability, it is worth $10 a quarter and a new $20 water bottle. But what the hell should I do with my perfectly good Nalgenes?


Back Nine said...

Q: You are young. You don’t yet know people will nose around in your fertility issues for many years to come. I am old. I know this to be true. This is what awaits you:

•In the early months of your marriage (or whatever you will call your long term relationship), people will believe you are putting off raising a family until your hubby and you get to know each other really well. Like you can only create life after you know what brand of fabric softener you each prefer or how you each really feel about the fruit bat.
•However, the day will come that you cross some imaginary line and society will say enough is enough. If you still don’t have a baby, it will be assumed you or your hubby must be, um, broken.
•At this point, people who know you will begin to look at you with pity. People who don’t will die of embarrassment when they ask how old your kids are, and you reply you have none.
•If anyone believes you actually don’t WANT rug runners, you will be deemed to be “selfish.” I have never understood this.
•When you get old enough that your acquaintances are all thrashing around with the heartbreak of their own juvenile delinquents, they will say they wish they had made the same decision as you. This leaves you will little to say. It’s kind of like people who say they wish they hadn’t voted for Bush. How could they not have known any better?

It might be easier, Q, to just have kids. If not, you’ll be a freak of nature the rest of your life.

qtilla said...

Hmmmmmm. It had not occurred to me that the short and long-term solutions to discussing my fertility were really the same. Bend to peer pressure.

I can picture my craigslist ad now:
Height-weight proportionate pale-skinned mixed-race female looking for a short term sexual partner in order to fulfill her ultimate purpose as a female mammal.

Elwood said...

You would be surprised at the varied and overwhelmingly oogy responses you'd get to such an ad.

Dr. Zoltar said...

What Back Nine says is true. When my wife and I tell people we don't have children and we're in our 30's people look at us like "How dare you not enjoy getting spit up on, or getting a full night's sleep, or having everything take three times as long because now you have to cart along an infant." I still don't understand how not having kids is being selfish.

Girl Friday K said...

People are stupid. My advice is to ignore them. Or affix a sticker on your Fertility Killing Drinkers that says, "Don't. I watch the news too."

Those are some highly obnoxious coworkers that are only pretending to look out for your welfare so they can feel Superior To The Q.

I really appreciate that most of the other people I know don't have children, so I don't know why the rest of society have such an issue with other people's personal choices.

All you people can admire my spawn, thusly reaffirming their intelligence, cuteness, adorability and excellent breeding without playing the contrast and compare game. My kids always win! No competition!

Moral: Don't breed or I'll have Evelyn beat up your baby.

qtilla said...

Dude, my fictitious future baby is hiding from Evelyn, who ate an ENTIRE cheeseburger (and then beat up some Navy Seals.