Thursday, November 30, 2006

Joanie Loves Chachi

What is up with all the visible snoosh? Is this the hip new trend? No undies? Am I going to start to see cootchie at the mall- because if I do, I swear I will go over the edge!
Attention annoying starlets: I do not want to see your lady bits. Go drop a grand on some trashy panties.


I don't know what my deal is with Danny DeVito. But here I go again...
Today I saw the following teaser sentence for an article in the Chicago Tribune:

After admitting to a long night of heavy drinking with George Clooney, Danny DeVito went on a heavily censored anti-Bush rant during Wednesday's taping of "The View."

Bwah? I just don't get it. Danny DeVito is invited to cocktails, and I am not? Standards, George, standards.

my sterile and pitiful life

Last night, whilst riding my bike to nowhere, I watched Jeopardy.
Seriously, I did.
And I rocked it.
Then I realized that I was watching Jeopardy.
I think I may have become a total shut-in. Thanks snowstorm!! Now all I need is a cat and a sweater with reindeer on it.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006


Yes, today I am full of piss & wind.
Also tirades, hot chocolate, and toasted cheese sandwich.

Dancing Irish Strumpets

Yesterday, in addition to The View, I watched:

Mad Hot Ballroom was a documentary about public elementary schools in NYC competing in ballroom dance.
It was cute, but I was a tad bit bored- I read comics through the whole thing. Mad Hot Ballroom was highly recommended to me, so you may want to give it a shot.

The Magdalene Sisters was based upon the true stories of Irish girls who in the 60's were sent to work-houses run by nuns. They were sent there for a variety of issues- all related to sex. Some girls were attractive orphans- destined for sin, others were unwed mothers, some were even rape victims.
It was a depressing but excellent movie. Apparently, these workhouses were run until 1996. They think that 30,000 Irish girls and women were subjected to slave labor, kidnap, rape and abuse.

Being a terrible Christian, one thing occurs to me. If I have daughters, while I wouldn't want them using their bodies to manipulate men- or deciding to have sex at 12, the worst thing for a woman is to believe that her body and sexuality are cause for shame. Fearing sex is not something I would want for my fictitious daughters.
If I ever get knocked up, I hope that God pities me and blesses me with sons.

In further blasphemies- I am kind of tired of being judged by other people based upon their misconceptions of my faith. I'm not catholic and I don't believe in cloudy heaven or fiery hell. I'm not impressed with the work of the Church over the last couple thousand years.
So there.

Guess what's made of frozen water and falling from the sky.

Snow, in Seattle, in NOVEMBER.
I HATE snow. You see, that is why I moved back to Seattle.
Snow is completely dumbfounding for Seattlites. We have no idea about what to do when it snows. We live on hills and in valleys with steep roads and driveways. We don't have snow tires, we don't own chains. We don't own those nifty long-handled brushes to brush snow off your car's roof to prevent it from sliding off and hitting cars, pedestrians, and small animals.
The city owns like 6 plows. Total. We can't salt, because we it will kill the salmon.

Monday night at just before 4 pm I decided to cut out of work early, the weather looked awkward. On a whim I filled my gas tank. When I pulled into the 76, there was no snow. When I pulled out there was a blizzard.
I got on the freeway and sat for about 1.5 hours before arriving at my apartment 11 miles away. I had a good 3 inches of snow on my hood.
The next day I refused to leave my apartment- on the advice of the state transportation authority.
So today was my first day on the road since the arrival of treacherous frozen water. I arrived at my car, and attempted to put my key in the lock. No dice.
I returned home, debated putting my footie pjs back on and going to bed-- but no, I have a meeting today. I grabbed my lock de-icer, went out to my car, unfroze my driver's side lock, took the de-icer back into the house. Went back to my car, pulled on the door and found that it was frozen shut. The rear passenger door wasn't frozen, so I crawled in, started the car, then crawled out and scraped my windows.
I arrived at work to find that only 6 people in my entire division decided to show and today and tomorrow's meetings are both canceled.
So, in short, I could have been home in my footie pjs watching drunk Danny DeVito rambling incoherently on The View, whilst having hot chocolate with cognac, but instead I am here stuffing envelopes. in my scarf and hat, because it is so damn cold.

In other sad news, my friend Dan (The Man) emailed me a picture of Britney Spear's hoohaa today.

So, I would rate this day (in a scale of 10 monkeys being great -though admittedly unnerving- to 1 monkey being craptastic) 0 monkeys or possibly one monkey- but he is throwing poo.

What are you doing?

Today I was puttering around in the break room making a lovely hot lunch for myself.

"What are you doing?" asked my new co-worker.

I was microwaving a plate of cheese, so I said: "Magic."

"Ok." Now imagine this being said in such a tone as to communicate that I am both completely cracker dog and a bit of a jerk.

"I'm making a toated cheese sandwich. I have to microwave the cheese and toast the bread seperately...."

"I see."

"Or they catch on fire- or so I hear..."


'First impression, shmirst impression,' that's my motto.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Satan has always been so keen on peace.

Woman faces fines for wreath peace sign
By ROBERT WELLER, Associated Press Writer Sun Nov 26, 11:13 PM ET

DENVER - A homeowners association in southwestern Colorado has threatened to fine a resident $25 a day until she removes a Christmas wreath with a peace sign that some say is an anti-Iraq war protest or a symbol of Satan.

Some residents who have complained have children serving in Iraq, said Bob Kearns, president of the Loma Linda Homeowners Association in Pagosa Springs. He said some residents have also believed it was a symbol of Satan. Three or four residents complained, he said.

"Somebody could put up signs that say drop bombs on Iraq. If you let one go up you have to let them all go up," he said in a telephone interview Sunday.

Lisa Jensen said she wasn't thinking of the war when she hung the wreath. She said, "Peace is way bigger than not being at war. This is a spiritual thing."

Jensen, a past association president, calculates the fines will cost her about $1,000, and doubts they will be able to make her pay. But she said she's not going to take it down until after Christmas.

"Now that it has come to this I feel I can't get bullied," she said. "What if they don't like my Santa Claus."

The association in this 200-home subdivision 270 miles southwest of Denver has sent a letter to her saying that residents were offended by the sign and the board "will not allow signs, flags etc. that can be considered divisive."

The subdivision's rules say no signs, billboards or advertising are permitted without the consent of the architectural control committee.

Kearns ordered the committee to require Jensen to remove the wreath, but members refused after concluding that it was merely a seasonal symbol that didn't say anything. Kearns fired all five committee members.

Peace on earth, good will toward men- and women- even if they're assholes, and have done nothing to deserve it. Good job Lisa, a grand is a small price to pay to promote peace and love during the holidays, especially with the added bonus of pissing off morons.

20 Pounds of Meat = Good Times

Thanksgiving was nice and boring, the way I like it. As was Thanksgiving 2.0 held at my uncle's home shortly after. Know what is better than 20 pounds of meat on Thursday? Another 20 pounds of meat on Saturday.
However the weekend was fraught with the sorrows that frozen water brings.
"Come out and have cannolli, come out and go shopping," cried my loved ones. Were they not aware of the frozen water that was falling from the sky? Did it not occur to them that it is cold enough to freeze water- water the very same abundant natural resource that makes up 75% of my mass?
No, I stayed home and ate peanut butter and honey sandwiches while watching West Wing and Numb3rs in my monkey pajamas. I am quite the saucy minx.
Rawr, still single boys.

Update! Yes, I know that the TV show Numb3rs has a three in it. I just didn't give a damn. Still don't. Thank God for comment moderation.

Casino Royale

I saw Casino Royale yesterday and it was great.
As advertised, it was a much more serious film. They took James Bond straight back to his roots as a hard government agent, and I loved it. Because it was much more realistic it was more engrossing. I feel like it was just enough James Bond to be James Bond and just enough not James Bond to be a truly good spy movie.

Daniel Craig, while not a traditional Bond, was every bit a better James Bond than others I can name-- and is a very uhm... attractive fellow to boot. Ridiculously attractive, actually. And a good actor, which is part of the whole attractive thing.
Did I mention that he is attractive?
Really attractive. Really.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Enjoy the long weekend

Is it just me, or is the turkey eyeballing the President's nuts? I'm guessing that biting the President's man-bits is a good way to get un-pardoned. Or not, judging by his expression....
Happy Thanksgiving, you turkeys. Eat yourselves silly.

One track mind

So I think that I mentioned that one of the books in my current reading rotation is Salt: A World History.
Well, I think that I am salt obsessed.
Last night I was at a cocktail thing with a coworker to view a European Vacation slide show. Diane, said coworker, was commenting on the salty sardines and other fish she was constantly consuming in Italy, which naturally brought me about to this tangent about the salt trade in ancient Italy and Egypt and why salted fish were so historically significant.
Later, she mentioned that they could tour a salt mine. I, without thinking, excitedly asked if she had any pictures. Staring at me as though I was crazy she said, "no." I then went on to tell nobody in particular that the ancient miners in the salt mines of Germany were some of the first mummified corpses found in Europe. They were incredibly intact from their tools, to their clothing, and even their bodies-- including their hair! Amazing!
People shifted around awkwardly and then we looked at a picture of the Vatican. Vatican, shmatican I say. Ancient salt mines are totally awesome.

There is no justice in this world.

Bigamist 'butt' busted by wife No. 4

Tue Nov 21, 9:54 PM ET

LYNCHBURG, Va. - A man who dresses up as a giant cigarette and uses hip-hop music to encourage children in Lynchburg and beyond to avoid smoking pleaded guilty Tuesday to bigamy. Phillip Dale Williams, 37, had as many as four wives at the same time, Chuck Felmlee, deputy commonwealth's attorney, said.

Williams' fourth wife, Lashawn Stevenson, became suspicious earlier this year when her husband began receiving child support notices in the mail. When the couple wed in 2003, he told her he had never been married, Felmlee said.

Stevenson's investigation led her to a Vallejo, Calif., woman, Antoinette Borum, who told Stevenson Williams left her in 2002 with two children and no child support. When Stevenson confronted Williams, he told her he had married Borum and two other women before her, Felmlee said.

Williams told police he divorced the first wife, but not the second or Borum. Police haven't been able to contact the first two wives, Felmlee said.

Williams' attorney, Tom Current, declined to comment on the case.

Williams was known locally for playing "Douglas 'Dude' Cigarette," a character he created in 1996. He has performed in about a dozen states.

Williams faces up to 10 years in prison when he is sentenced March 9.

This ass-clown who dresses up as a rapping cigarette can get married 4 times, and I can't even get a date. Unbelievable.

I don't care who you are, you NEVER shoot at a cop

Woman, 92, dies in shootout with police
Wed Nov 22, 7:25 AM ET

ATLANTA - A police official said narcotics officers were justified in returning fire on a 92-year-old woman they shot to death after she shot them as they tried to serve a warrant at her house.

Neighbors and relatives said it was a case of mistaken identity. But police said the woman, identified as Kathryn Johnston, was the only resident in the house at the time and had lived there for about 17 years.

Assistant Chief Alan Dreher said the officers had a legal warrant and "knocked and announced" before they forced open the door. He said they were justified in shooting once they were fired upon.

As the plainclothes Atlanta police officers approached the house about 7 p.m., a woman inside started shooting, striking each of them, said Officer Joe Cobb, a police spokesman.

One was hit in the arm, another in a thigh and the third in a shoulder. The officers were taken to a hospital for treatment, and all three were conscious and alert, police said.

Sarah Dozier, identified as a niece of the woman, told WAGA-TV that there were never any drugs at the house.

"My aunt was in good health. I'm sure she panicked when they kicked that door down," Dozier said. "There was no reason they had to go in there and shoot her down like a dog."

Rev. Markel Hutchins, a civil rights leader, said Johnston's family deserves an apology.

"Of the police brutality cases we've had, this is the most egregious because of the woman's age," Hutchins said.

Hutchins said he would try to meet with Atlanta Police Chief Richard Pennington and would also meet with lawyers.

I doesn't matter how old you are, if you shoot at a cop, they will shoot you. End of story.
If you are black and shot by cops, it is not a civil rights issue if you shot at them first. Additionally, people who keep guns in ready reach and shoot at cops who warn you that they are coming, are probably not people with nothing to hide.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Puppet Up = Good Times

Puppet Up, the new Jim Henson Company production, aired last night at 11 pm on TBS. We laughed till we snorted and cried. Improv with puppets is awesome.
You should watch this show, it is hilarious.

Paragraph 175

Last night I watched an excellent documentary about the persecution of homosexual men in Nazi Germany.
I was really hit when a quote from Himmler was read and it was nearly identical to what I recently heard on a debate about gay marriage. Himmler said that gays do not contribute to Germany because they do not produce more Germans.
I bet if we could find both quotes, we could wreck someone's career.
The preposterousness of this statement amazes me. Republicans are always going on about Welfare Mothers. Well make up your minds assholes.
I was very saddened and incredibly touched by the interviews with aged homosexual concentration camp survivors. Be sure to watch the additional interviews- one was quite amazing. Paragraph 175 is a great movie, but will leave you heart-sick.

People are capable of beautiful acts of kindness and simultaneously such terrifying acts of needless violence- I can't comprehend how we get there. In ancient Rome and Egypt political change was brought about by roaming thugs rioting and pulling people from their homes and putting their heads and stakes. But has that really changed? All over the world armed bands still enforce their views on a predominately terrified public. At the same time as I buy 300$ handbags and children go to summer camp and play X-Box.

I don't understand.

In other thoughts on Nazis. I'm glad nobody successfully assassinated Hitler. Had he died earlier, his strategic advisers would have rolled ahead with their plans, almost certainly winning the war.

The penguins don't have much to do with anything. I just think 'more penguins, less Hitler,' that's my new motto. We all need baby penguins sometimes.

Slightly less ashamed

Yesterday NPR, among other sources announced that OJ's book and TV deals have fallen through. In spite of my rage, it had never occured to me to write Rupert Murdoch.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Yes, I'm a jerk.

So I was out with a good friend of mine, a friend who is possibly the nicest person alive today, and she was cheerfully describing the various items that she had purchased to construct a care package for the sister of a friend. A Real Simple magazine, some stationary, some snacks, a yo-yo, etc.
A very nice package.
I couldn't remember why the sister required a care package and asked my dear, very very nice friend. She told me that she is having surgery on her right arm, then later on her left.
I then choked on my beverage and exclaimed, "Did you buy a yo-yo for someone who can't use her arms?!"
Yes, yes she did.

No, Mom, I have no IDEA why I'm still single...

Below the Beltway
By Gene Weingarten
Sunday, November 10, 2002; Page W11

Today's first runner-up in the category of Distinguished Ultra-Male Behavior goes to Bernie Crane, 49, of Fairfax. I became aware of Mr. Crane's great male achievement via an e-mail sent to me and others by Mr. Crane himself, under the subject line "GREAT MALE ACHIEVEMENT!!!"

I almost erased this e-mail unread because, in my experience, most unsolicited e-mails with subject lines like "GREAT MALE ACHIEVEMENT!!!" wind up involving opportunities for personal growth, if you get my drift. But this was legit.

I read the e-mail explaining the achievement and then opened the attachment, which was a photograph of the achievement. Then I phoned Bernie.

Bernie, please tell the readers how you earned your coveted first runner-up status.

"I parallel-parked my car in a space so tight that when I was done the bumpers of my car were touching the bumpers of cars in front and behind. People who were watching applauded."

When I expressed some skepticism, observing not only that such an act seemed geometrically impossible but that such an arrangement of parked cars could be easily ginned up for a photo, Bernie:

1. Indignantly informed me that as a lawyer and officer of the court, he is incapable of lying.

2. Fired off eight more photos he took at the scene, extreme close-ups of the kissing bumpers.

3. Disclosed his secret, which involved "just the slightest bit of nudging forward and rolling back," none of which, he emphasized, was sufficiently violent as to constitute an actionable assault upon the property of others.


4. Offered to take a polygraph.

My car mechanic, Phil, confirms that the feat would be possible so long as both adjacent cars had their emergency brakes on. Their tires would remain locked in place, allowing each chassis to shift several inches on its suspension, then sproing back.

Bernie explained that it took him about six minutes--and 15 or 16 back-and-forth maneuvers--to get his minivan into the spot.

I asked if he had a sense he was doing something Very Special. "Not initially, but after the fifth or sixth back and forth, there was a kind of electricity, like I was on the verge of greatness." The sweetest part, he said, was that some guy in a little sports car had sat there smugly waiting for the spot, certain that Bernie would fail. "After a while, he just gave up and left. That was a great moment."

Bernie received many responses to his e-mail. Men expressed awe tinged with jealousy. The women's responses can be summed up by the one from Bernie's sister, Candy:

"You nut case."

First Runner-Up: Bernie the Attorney, Potentate of Parallel Parking.

The grand-prize winner for Distinguished Ultra-Male Behavior is Seth Brown, 23, of Williamstown, Mass. I heard of Seth's accomplishment third-hand, and assumed it was an urban legend, but called anyway.

Seth is a freelance writer, looking for work. His roommate Tom is an artist, looking for work. The two guys don't see much of their third roommate, Mandy, so they pretty much are in charge of their own upkeep, which suits them just fine, thank you. It's not like guys can't fend for themselves.

Seth has taken over the cooking chores, and for months he and Tom have eaten splendidly, without female accompaniment or advice.

What do you guys eat?

"Potatoes. Fried, sometimes baked. Salt, vinegar. We've got a dish called Smoky Cowboy Rice and Beans. And burritos. I fry burritos with beans and rice and whatever else is on hand. Beef. Baba ghanouj. You know."

The two guys were doing great, until one day something happened. Can you tell the readers what happened, Seth?

C'mon, don't be bashful.

"We got scurvy."

Yes, indeed. The guys didn't like fruits and veggies, so the guys didn't eat fruits and veggies. One day, Tom's mom 'n' dad came for dinner, noticed this dietary omission, and jokingly mentioned the peril of contracting the obscure deficiency disease most famously seen among filthy 18th-century sailors. At this point, Tom and Seth revealed to the parents--and to each other--that they'd been noticing mouth sores, swollen gums, loose teeth, etc.

So they started eating oranges provided by . . . Mandy. Cured them in a week.

(Being males, they never actually consulted a medical professional. I did. A nutritionist considered their diet, symptoms and cure, and confirmed the diagnosis.)

Seth, you win first prize. You have a choice between two books I have right here. One is Webster's New World Dictionary. The other is How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? Or Effective Way?

"The second one."

Like there was any question.

Yes, Jesus Loves Me

The Bacon of the Month Club.
Alas, I fear 200$ is too much to spent on bacon.

More google images

Yet again, I got nuthin to say.

This is a man with a cardboard waffle.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Physical therapists think that they are funnier than they are.

Today I casually asked my PT how long she thought I would need to visit her.
"A year, maybe longer," she said as she attached electrodes to my feet.

95% Crazy, or 95% Crazy Like a Fox?

At 9 o'clock last night, as I read my book, Salt- A World History, (Yes, I am a boring person, but you're reading my blog so NYAH!) I heard someone knock at my door. Thinking it was Monica I hopped up to answer.

It was not Monica.

It was crazy neighbor.

She was quite agitated and when I inquired as to how she was doing she exclaimed, "I'm upset!" Pushing her way into my apartment she announced that she had been "prowled." Some items that were "very precious to her" had been stolen and she believes that somebody has the key to her apartment. Gravely she told me, a hand on my forearm, that I was also in danger.

I decided that it might be amusing (to me) to mention the guy with the knife and sword collection who lives down the hall from Monica. She was stricken briefly. "Isn't that illegal?" "Being socially awkward? Not last time I checked," I said with an unreciprocated smile.

Undeterred, she went on at great length about people getting into our homes and raping/stealing/looking at our personal items. (What personal items could this woman possibly need to hide? I'm guessing she doesn't have a neon orange 2 foot long double-headed dildo. Not that I do either...) I pointed out to her that I own absolutely nothing of value other than a crap ton of cds, which are all backed up on disc. She then pointed out my recumbent exercise bike, which while pricey, actually does weigh a metric crap ton. I would love to watch a thief carry that out. I bet a guy that strong would be dead sexy, also he already has a key to my apartment, so that hurtle is out of the way.

She claims to have seen men constantly casing "the joint" and repeatedly reminded me that I live in "the big city." Detective Scary Neighbor is watching you, would-be robbers- she lives in the "big city" (24th largest city in America, 100th largest metropolitan area in the world, 58th on the list of US cities by crime rate) and knows it. Unlike Dainty Neighbor Quiana who has only lived in Philadelphia (5th largest city in America, 45th largest metropolitan area of the world, 7th on the list of US cities by crime rate), Las Vegas (34th on the list of cities by crime rate), Honolulu, and Tokyo (10th largest city in the world, the largest greater metropolitan area of the world).

Of course, thanks to CSI et al., Law & Order et al. (though particularly SVU), British mysteries, and genetics, I am totally paranoid about being murdered in my bed (or really anywhere) and so even though I know that this woman is batshit crazy-go-nuts, I still couldn't sleep a wink. Do crazy people lose things and think that they are stolen? Do they make up thefts and believe it? Do they secretly suspect their dainty neighbors and plot against them?

As I lay there in dark, straining to hear the sounds of a meth addict with mush mouth breaking into my tiny apartment, I realized that maybe she was casing MY joint. That's right, she wanted to eyeball all my crazy bling. Perhaps she finds my pretentious emo music irritating and is out to kill me/destroy all my Citizen Cope CDs.


Hooray! Science + Chocolate Milk = Joy

Study: Chocolate milk good for athletes
By EDDIE PELLS, AP National Writer Fri Nov 17, 5:06 AM ET

DENVER - It comes in only one flavor — no Fierce Grape or Riptide Rush available — and you certainly won't see your favorite basketball star gulping it down on the sideline during a timeout. But a group of scientists recently discovered that one of the most effective drinks to help athletes recover after exercise is the same thing moms across America have been giving their kids for years. A simple glass of chocolate milk.

To be forthright, the study by the scientists from Indiana University was supported in part by the Dairy and Nutrition Council.

Still, their findings are compelling.

The small group of fit athletes who took part in the study were asked to work out strenuously on a stationery bicycle, then drink low-fat chocolate milk, a fluid-replacement drink like Gatorade and a carbohydrate replacement drink like Endurox R4. A few hours later, they were asked to cycle again until they reached exhaustion.

The test was repeated three times — once with each kind of drink — and the data showed that the cyclists were able to go between 49 and 54 percent longer on the second stint after drinking chocolate milk than when they drank the carbohydrate drink. The difference between the milk and the fluid-replacement drink was not significant.

"My way of explaining it is, there's really nothing magic about the powder in a can that you mix with water," cycling coach Scott Saifer said of the carbohydrate drink. "It's water, carbs, proteins, maybe minerals and electrolytes. What's in chocolate milk? The same thing. There's no reason it shouldn't be as good for recovery as a carb drink."

The milk folks tout their product as a less-costly and healthier alternative to the more traditional energy drinks.

They have some data to back up the physiology of the issue. Among their points are that milk also provides much-needed calcium and might be more efficiently absorbed into the system than the other drinks.

The cost analysis also works in their favor.

To get 75 grams of carbohydrate, you'd need about 18 ounces of chocolate milk, three scoops of a carb drink or about 17 ounces of a fluid-replacement drink. The milk option would cost around 49 cents, which is about 95 cents less than the carb drink and about 9 cents less than a 17-ounce serving of Gatorade.

(Prices were calculated on the basis of a sale-priced $3.50 gallon of chocolate milk, an eight-pack of 20-ounce bottles of Gatorade on sale for $5.50 and a 56-scoop container of Endurox priced at $26.95.)

This latest study by the milk industry is an attempt to get people thinking about one of the world's most basic products in new ways. Of course, it could also be viewed as little more than a ploy to cut into the multibillion-dollar sports-drink market. (According to, Gatorade topped $2 billion in sales in 2001.)

Dietician Mary Lee Chin, who does public-relations work for the Western Dairy Council, says that either way, there's nothing wrong with this sales pitch.

"It's not like you're talking about some beverage that's really outlandish and recommending that," she said. "Milk should be part of everyone's diet anyhow. It's the fact that you already have a nutritional benefit, and then there's this additional replenishment benefit as an added bonus."

The Indiana study netted different results than an earlier study that found participants exercised 55 percent longer after drinking Endurox than they did after drinking Gatorade. The Indiana study concluded the aberration may have been because of methodological differences in the experiments — most notably that subjects in the other study exercised at a more strenuous pace than in the Indiana study.

Chin acknowledged the Indiana study was not conclusive, but believes the findings merit a more expansive study.

As for the prospect of chugging down a glass of chocolate milk on a hot day after an extensive workout ... well, that's a matter of personal preference.

"If it tastes good enough that you want to reach for a bottle and drink it, it's a good exercise drink," said Saifer, who prefers a fruit and yogurt smoothie to quench his thirst. "If it tastes nasty and you don't want to drink it, there's no way it can help you."

I drink chocolate milk every morning and I have always insisted that it's what gives me my super powers. It's nice to know that I can just make shit up and scientists in Indiana will hop to it.

In other milk news, I am damn tired of places advertising vanilla milk, chocolate milk, strawberry milk and white milk. Not to be a total shmuck, but milk IS white. Can we just call milk milk? Also strawberry and vanilla varieties of milk are an abomination.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

We have your burgundy leotard, you pervert.

The following email just arrived in my work account:

From: Information Desk
Sent: Wednesday, November 15, 2006 11:45 AM
To: @staff
Subject: FOUND: Burgundy Leotard

A burgundy colored leotard has been turned into the switchboard. If it is yours we have it here for you.

The only way I could hate O.J. more was if he was stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

Now O.J. Simpson has written a book called "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." A book exploring how he would have murdered his ex-wife, if he did it.

O.J. taught me a few important lessons: if you can make people believe that you are being harassed because of your race, you can kill someone- two someones, actually. Cops couldn't catch and convict Colonel Mustard, if he was in the library with the candlestick. You should always use your Miranda rights, no matter what. Don't talk, except to ask for your lawyer, even if you are obviously innocent. The system cannot be trusted.

O.J. Simpson, you may have killed two people and got away without jail time, but you are guiltier than Michael Jackson in a daycare, and I guarantee that you will be punished somehow.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


So today I was reading random articles on Wikipedia and came across Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels. All was fine and dandy until I hit the last sentence:

Milton Keynes rider Roger "otto" Clarke is hot tipped to play Caveman in the planned 2007 movie.

I cannot fathom this statement and I have no idea about who Roger Clark is, but there you go.

Monday, November 13, 2006

My world is tilting off its axis

Today instead of cleaning the bathrooms in the morning, the janitor is cleaning them now. I waited to go until I finished the important time-sensitive project I was working on and now I am extremely desperate. I drink a lot of water. A LOT of water. I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW, Mr. Janitor Guy!
Thanks for hosing the side of my car off, but sweet zombie Jesus, I am dying!!!

This is a cat in a squid hat. As before, picture of pee or random picture via Google Images: not a tough choice.

Warning: real squid are terrifying and you should fear them and also jellyfish. I saw a squid totally fuck someone up on the Discovery Channel once. Yeep!

Nerds, hurry to WWTDD.COM

There are a few links to the newest Spiderman trailer on - but you best hurry before the studio orders them to cease and desist.

I'm not superstitious, but...

I don't know if I could live in the Clutter House.

You may remember the entire Clutter family was murdered by Dick Hickock and Perry Smith as documented in Truman Capote's In Cold Blood.

I don't care how nice the breakfast nook is, all I see are the crime photos.

Here is the real estate agent's description.

Ah, crap.

So, this morning I was waiting to make a left hand turn when a garbage truck comes careening around the corner. As it turned the truck's weight dramatically shifted and as a tidal wave of garbage water rose forth I cried "No, no, no, no, NO!" and the driver's side of my car was splooshed from bumper to bumper.
I cannot describe the odor. It is bad.
Very very bad.
When I got to the office I asked the janitor if he could hook up a hose for me. He asked why, and I explained.
And then... he offered to rinse my car off for me.

Boooooooooo Mafia Led Kamikaze Garbage Truck Assholes!!!!!
Yay Janitor Guy!!!


Today I read an article about how manatees are smarter than we think. Apparently when the manatee bumps a ball with his nose he gets a snack. My betta could do that (well probably not now).
I don't mean to be an asshole, but aren't dolphins like 3 million times smarter than that? And really while we're at it; I don't think any animal is truly intelligent until they can invent things that can destroy their entire species.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

I wants it!

Curse you Williams Sonoma!
Today Not Martha tricked me into going to the Williams Sonoma online store, where I found the following items that I WILL HAVE!!!

A Pan:

That makes this:

A pan like this:

Makes a cake like this:

And these lovely spatulas:

The most important thing to avoid is...

The Rabies.
I have been taking flack about my fear of cute little animals. But wild animals, no matter how cute or fluffy will attack you, if not to steal your sandwich, then to bite you and give you The Rabies.

Let's use the following hypothetical.

Let's say a hypothetical someone gets a frantic phone call from a friend asking said hypothetical person to remove a dead bat that had taken up residence in their upstairs bedroom during their vacation. Note the dead part- this is important as the hypothetical person is not a complete dummy.
So the hypothetical person put on their monkey pj bottoms and trudged over to their friend's house.
Now, before entering the room, the hypothetical person repeatedly asked their friend if she was sure the bat was dead. "Yes, I'm positive, just get rid of it!" said the imbecilic moron. As the hypothetical person maneuvered the bat into the dustpan, it waited a beat then reared up as though possessed Satan himself and bit the hypothetical person; who immediately bellowed and flapped her hypothetical extremities about in panic, whilst yelling, "Motherfucker! It bit me! I can't believe it bit me!! God damn it!!"
This resulted in a series of three shots to be given within 72 hours in order that the hypothetical person not get The Rabies and die. Strangely, this event did not encourage her to be nice ever again.

Incidentally, one should be very careful when spelling The Rabies, as it is highly unlikely that you can get The Rabbis from being bit by a raccoon.

As the illustration above demonstrates, nature attacks when and where you least expect it. Such as in the mid-nineties, when one is eating cookies and sunbathing with one's best friend, Kristin. And one sees a cutie-woo raccoon on the backyard big toy and one giggles and comments excitedly on its cutie-wooness until it rears up, snarls and runs straight down the slide and onto the porch and chases you into the house (and eats your cookies).
Raccoons are hungry for nubile teenage girl flesh and also cookies, so you should be very careful if you are nubile, or eating cookies.

Also, you should fear geese and maybe ducks too, for while they also look cutie-woo, they will waddle straight over to you and bite the motherfuck out of whatever part of you is readily available.
When I was 5 my cousin David and I were eating our sandwiches at the park on a fine spring day when a giant goose came over and started snuffling around our sandwiches. Then there were two giant geese, then three, then four. And out of nowhere one of them stole my chips. And then half of David's sandwich. Which is when we decided to run like the bitches we were. I most directly recall David yelling "Run KiKi! Run!!!! Save yourself!!!" as the first geese caught up to him, bit him all to hell and stole his sandwich.

Which is why I like to have goose on Christmas.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Desperate Republicans

are distancing themselves from Donald Rumsfeld. Yes, blame Rumsfeld. That's the ticket!
Although I think it is too late. I think that the power shift in government is not due to issues; I think that the American people are angry and want change.
Good job Democrats, this time your fine strategy of not being Republicans worked! You better pray for some really bad news before the presidential election, if you want to continue down this path though.

Rumsfeld resigns as secretary of defense
By ROBERT BURNS and KATHERINE SHRADER, Associated Press Writers
25 minutes ago

WASHINGTON - After years of defending his secretary of defense, President Bush on Wednesday announced Donald H. Rumsfeld's resignation within hours of the Democrats' triumph in congressional elections. Bush reached back to his father's administration to tap a former CIA director to run the Pentagon.

The Iraq war was the central issue of Rumsfeld's nearly six-year tenure, and unhappiness with the war was a major element of voter dissatisfaction Tuesday — and the main impetus for his departure. Even some GOP lawmakers in Congress became critical of the war's management, and growing numbers of politicians were urging Bush to replace Rumsfeld.</p>

Bush said Robert M. Gates, 63, who has served in a variety of national security jobs under six previous presidents, would be nominated to replace Rumsfeld. Gates, currently the president of Texas A&M University, is a Bush family friend and a member of an independent group studying the way ahead in Iraq.

"Secretary Rumsfeld and I agreed that sometimes it's necessary to have a fresh perspective," Bush said in the abrupt announcement during a postelection news conference.

In a later appearance at the White House with Rumsfeld and Gates at his side, Bush praised both men, thanked Rumsfeld for his service and predicted that Gates would bring fresh ideas.

"The secretary of defense must be a man of vision who can see threats still over the horizon and prepare our nation to meet them. Bob Gates is the right man to meet both of these critical challenges," Bush said.

In brief remarks, Rumsfeld described the Iraq conflict as a "little understood, unfamiliar war" that is "complex for people to comprehend."

Asked whether Rumsfeld's departure signaled a new direction in a war that has claimed the lives of more than 2,800 U.S. troops and cost more than $300 billion, Bush said, "Well, there's certainly going to be new leadership at the Pentagon."

Pentagon spokesman Bryan Whitman said Rumsfeld was not leaving immediately. Rumsfeld planned to deliver a speech on the global war on terrorism at Kansas State University on Thursday.

Just last week Bush told reporters that he expected Rumsfeld, 74, to remain until the end of the administration's term. And although Bush said Wednesday that his decision to replace Rumsfeld was not based on politics, the announcement of a Pentagon shake-up came on the heels of Tuesday's voting, in which Democrats captured control of the House and could win control of the Senate if the remaining undecided race in Virginia goes their way.

With his often-combative defense of the war in Iraq, Rumsfeld had been the administration's face of the conflict. He became more of a target — and more politically vulnerable — as the war grew increasingly unpopular at home amid rising violence and with no end in sight.

Gates ran the CIA under the first President Bush during the first Gulf war. He retired from government in 1993.

He joined the CIA in 1966 and is the only agency employee to rise from an entry level job to become director. A native of Kansas, he made a name for himself as an analyst specializing in the former Soviet Union and he served in the intelligence community for more than a quarter century, under six presidents.

Numerous Democrats in Congress had been calling for Rumsfeld's resignation for many months, asserting that his management of the war and of the military had been a resounding failure. Critics also accused Rumsfeld of not fully considering the advice of his generals and of refusing to consider alternative courses of action.

Sen. Carl Levin of Michigan and Rep. Ike Skelton of Missouri — the top Democrats on the Armed Services committees — said the resignation would only be a positive step if accompanied by a change in policy.

"I think it is critical that this change be more than just a different face on the old policy," Skelton said.

Rumsfeld, 74, has served in the job longer than anyone except Robert McNamara, who became secretary of defense during the Kennedy administration and remained until 1968. Rumsfeld is the only person to have served in the job twice; his previous tour was during the Ford administration.

Rumsfeld had twice previously offered his resignation to Bush — once during the

Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal in spring 2004 and again shortly after that. Both times the president refused to let him leave.

Gates took over the CIA as acting director in 1987, when William Casey was terminally ill with cancer. Questions were raised about Gates' knowledge of the

Iran-Contra scandal, so he withdrew from consideration to take over the CIA permanently. Yet he stayed on as deputy director.

Then-National Security Adviser Brent Scowcroft, who has been a critic of the younger Bush's policies, asked Gates to be his deputy in 1989 during the administration of Bush's father. President Bush, a former CIA director himself, asked him to run the CIA two years later. The scandal had faded and Gates won confirmation.

After leaving government, Gates joined corporate boards and wrote a memoir, "From The Shadows: The Ultimate Insider's Story of Five Presidents and How They Won the Cold War." It was published in 1996.

Gates is a close friend of the Bush family, and particularly the first President Bush. He became the president of Texas A&M University in August 2002. The university is home to the presidential library of Bush's father.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

SUC Salutes: Britney Spears

who filed for divorce today.

Adam Corolla actually reports real news- so long as the news includes anal sex.

What is Ted Haggard up to?

This morning on 107.7 The End, Seattle’s Original Alternative, which normally I would never listen to, Adam Corolla was interviewing Mike Jones, the gay escort who outed Ted Haggard. Corolla, beyond poo jokes, actually had insightful questions, including why Jones outed Haggard, and specifically did he plan it for the election?

Jones basically explained that he found out who Haggard was when he was watching the History Channel about 6 months ago and Haggard appeared on screen explaining the end times. The next morning at the gym Haggard appeared on TV again, this time on the crazy religious channel. After researching Haggard, Jones became a bit ticked off. So he outed him, admitting on air that he did do it before the election on purpose; but that it is his prerogative to do so. Revealing information before an election on purpose does not make it untrue.

Additionally, now his entire family knows that he was a prostitute and he basically unemployed and unemployable.

I kind of respect Jones for taking a stand. And I kind of respect Corolla for putting effort into being a halfway decent interviewer.

Put them together and you have a whole respectable person.

Monday, November 06, 2006

The Prestige

This movie was very good. Now let me just say that normally I don't like a ton of movies, or things or uhm, people etc., so this string of good movies is crazy!
I give The Prestige 4 and some fraction stars.
It was about magicians and stuff... I couldn't really tell because my eyes were completely steamed up from Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale being so ridiculously hot.
Actually they both gave great performances and the movie itself was unique and for the most part really kept me guessing. There were a few elements I wasn't so keen on, but the main thing that gave me mixed feelings (that I can mention without ruining the whole thing) was that the movie was really dark. Which is fine, but I mean it was Quiana hiding in her scarf and making periodic squeaking noises level dark.
So if you're into hot men, and scarfs and also squeaking, The Prestige is your scene.

NPH would never do that!

Neil Patrick Harris, Content Gay Man
by Natalie Finn
Fri, 3 Nov 2006 05:57:44 PM PST

Life is good for Neil Patrick Harris. Someone should tell his publicist.

In an interview with People magazine Friday, the How I Met Your Mother star happily confirmed that he is gay, just two days after his rep issued a release saying the actor is "not of that persuasion."

Publicist Craig Schneider's probably well-intentioned yet misinformed statement came in response to a news brief reporting that Harris had helped his "longtime sweetheart," actor David Burtka, land a role on his hit CBS sitcom.

While it isn't known whether Harris knew Schneider had issued such a flat-out denial about his sexual orientation, the stage and screen star had no problem setting the record straight afterward.

"The public eye has always been kind to me and until recently I have been able to live a pretty normal life," Harris, whose big break came playing teenage genius Doogie Howser, the early 1990s, told People.

"[I] am quite proud to say that I am a very content gay man living my life to the fullest and feel most fortunate to be working with wonderful people in the business I love," he said.

Harris became the third big name this year to use People as a launching pad for coming out to the masses.

First former 'N Sync member Lance Bass confirmed rumors in July that he was in a committed relationship with Amazing Race winner Reichen Lehmkuhl, saying he's "more liberated and happy" than he's ever been in his life. The duo have since been presented with Human Rights Campaign's Visibility Award.

Grey's Anatomy cutie T.R. Knight followed suit last month, telling People he hoped to "quiet any unnecessary rumors" that may have sprung up following reports that cast mate Isaiah Washington had leveled an anti-gay slur at him. (Which apparently he did, because Washington later apologized for his "unfortunate use of words.")

Taking his cue from others who wanted to nip the rumor mill in the bud, Harris, who also was singled out in People's Hottest Bachelors issue this summer, said: "Rather than ignore those who choose to publish their opinions without actually talking to me, I am happy to dispel any rumors or misconceptions."

Harris, who had a cameo as a tripped-out version of himself in the cult favorite Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, filled his time between sitcoms (Doogie ended in 1993) with a number of TV guest spots (including the almost-mandatory turn as a serial killer on one of the Law & Orders), small film roles and high-profile theater work. The 33-year-old actor's stage credits include leads in Proof, Sweeney Todd, Amadeus, Rent and Cabaret.

A better title of this entry might have been: logal blogger heart broken after cherished childhood fantasy ruined.

Incidentally, when I typed NPH into google images I got a "free bible give away!!!!" offer. Hot damn!

Now this is precisely why I don't go anywhere near urban nature paths...

Naked man arrested for concealed weapon
Sat Nov 4, 12:41 AM ET
EL CERRITO, Calif. - A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors — naked — and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.
The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.
John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.
"You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.
Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.
Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon."When you're talking about an awl or an ice pick and you're dealing with somebody who's fresh out of prison, it's a weapon. That's a stabbing instrument," Horgan said.
It was not immediately clear what Sheehan was on parole for. A person answering the phone at the jail Friday night did not know whether Sheehan had a lawyer.

Yes, this is a lady dressed as a brine shrimp and is no way related to persons who store tools in nature's pocket.
But you tell me which you'd rather see.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Favorite Headline in Recent News:

Evangelist admits meth, massage, no sex (AP)
For those of you who haven't heard about this and are far too lazy to click the link, Ted Haggard the (now former) president of the National Association of Evangelicals (and mega-church pastor) has apparently paid a 39 year old male prostitute for monthly visits for 3 years. Let me mention his stance is that while he was tempted to have sex, instead he ONLY got meth and massage.
The National Association of Evangelicals, in case you are unaware, are a conservative group that appears to have its main focus on the subjugating homosexuals. They are big-time movers in terms of trying to influence supreme court nominations. Their goal is to prevent the "renegade" justices from giving homosexual people equal rights.
That makes them "bad guys" and I am immensely smug to see Haggard take it in the ass in both the literal and the figurative. I do feel bad for his 5 kids and wife though. I fear that they were probably completely fucked up already anyway, though.

Stranger than Fiction

Last Wendesday Chouski and I went to see the sneak preview of Stranger than Fiction, starring Emma Thompson and Will Ferrell.
Now, yes, I know I may have said on occasion that I don't go to Will Ferrell movies on account of him not being uhm, funny. However, this movie was a dramady and as it turns out Ferrell is a good actor (despite him usually being in unfunny movies).
In the movie, Thompson is a brilliant writer who has been stuck working on the same book for ten years. Ferrell is a tax agent who lives an incredibly regulated life until the day he begins to hear the voice of Thompson narrating her book, which is about him. While initially Ferrell merely fears for his sanity, his fears take on greater urgency when Thompson slips in a narration about his immanent death.
I liked everything in the movie. It was well written, well directed, and very well acted. Even the minutest of characters was interesting. It was unique and refreshing. When it was funny, and it was often subtly funny, it was funny enough to laugh aloud. When it was sad, it brought tears to my eyes.
It was a beautiful and memorable movie that reminds us to let a little art into our lives-- before it's too late.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

If men get any girlier we'll all be lesbian by June.

Size matters for makers of Aussie "Wonderjock"
Wed Nov 1, 11:37 PM ET

SYDNEY, Nov 2 (Reuters Life!) - Size really does count, just ask Australian underwear maker AussieBum which has just launched the "Wonderjock" for men who want to look bigger.

Since the launch seven days ago, AussieBum says it has sold 50,000 pairs of "Wonderjock", mostly on its Web site and a handful of stores around the world.

"The design of the underwear, separates and lifts. The fabric cup protrudes everything out in front instead of down towards the ground," said "Wonderjock" designer Sean Ashby.

"There is no padding, rings or strings," said Ashby, a co-founder of the Internet-based AussieBum firm. (What the hell would rings and strings be used for? Jesus Christ!!!)

Ashby said the idea for the "Wonderjock" was the result of online feedback from customers who expressed an interest in looking bigger, just like women using the "Wonderbra".

"When you go to a department store to buy underwear you usually get a grandmother serving, which is not the ideal way to get feedback," said Ashby. "Our customers give us feedback. We didn't realise that big is better."

I don't know what the fuck a 'grandmother serving' is as it relates to underwear, but I could have gone the rest of my life without that image in my head.
If this Wonderjock crap starts a new trend of tight pants on men, I swear to God I will start a separatist colony in Montana. Don't push me with you visible sex organ bulge. Neither literally nor figuratively.

Guys of the world,
Yes, size matters. But no, we do not want to be able to see your junk through your pants. We don't. Male genitalia = unpredictable and weird looking vacuum cleaner attachments.
Additionally, if you can get a lady to hang around until you are in your underwear, you're in.


Stink in France over perfume bottle design
34 minutes ago

PARIS (AFP) - The French perfume maker Guerlain said it was trying to have a court dismiss a lawsuit by an artist who claimed it stole his design for its latest perfume bottle.

The company said in a statement that its bottles containing the fragrance "Insolence" -- promoted using the US actress Hilary Swank as the model -- were entirely the creation of a sculptor it hired, Serge Mansau.

A Paris court last week prohibited Guerlain from selling "Insolence" in the contested bottles after agreeing with a French artist, Jean-Claude Cardiet, that they resembled one of his works.

Guerlain's appeal lodged against that judgement meant it was free to go ahead with using the bottles as planned instead of withdrawing them, the company said.

What does insolence smell like? Apparently Hilary Swank.

230 years of postal history completely blown away.

Mean squirrel attacks Pa. letter carrier
Wed Nov 1, 5:12 PM ET

OIL CITY, Pa. - Letter carriers occasionally have to deal with angry dogs or maybe even a spider's nest in a mailbox, but a mean squirrel? Barb Dougherty, a 30-year Postal Service employee, said she was attacked and bitten Monday by a squirrel while delivering mail in Oil City, about 75 miles north of Pittsburgh.

"It was a freak thing. It was traumatic," Dougherty told The Derrick in Oil City. "I saw it there on the porch, put the mail in the box and turned to walk away and it jumped on me."

The animal ran up her leg and onto her back, she said.

"I eventually got a hold of the tail and pulled it off me," Dougherty said. "No one was home at the house where I was delivering the mail, but the neighbor lady heard me screaming and came over."

An ambulance took Dougherty to the hospital, where she was treated for cuts and scratches. The squirrel was killed with a BB gun and sent to a lab to be tested for rabies. Dougherty was given the first series of rabies shots as a precaution.

Postal officials said the attack is extraordinary.

"In about 230 years of postal history, I bet it is not the first, but I've personally never heard of another squirrel biting," said Steve Kochersperger, spokesman for the Erie district.

Squirrels do not frequently bite people, said Regis Senko, who works for the Pennsylvania Game Commission.

Steve Jolley, a Postal Service manager in Oil City, said, "We are not issuing a squirrel alert, but everyone is aware of the incident."

We are not moving up to Level Orange Squirrel Alert, but will remain in the more neutral Yellow Level for the time being.
And incidentally, "mean" squirrel. Mean, nice? They're animals. Get a grip people. They will bite you and steal your sandwich. That is simply the way of nature. Nature is a total asshole.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Fox in Socks, bitches.

I cannot, simply cannot, believe that some people don't know what the previous post was about.
Seriously, everyone knows that the tweedle beetle battle is in the canonical Dr. Seuss text, Fox in Sox. The only really good part is the tweedle beetle battle, the text of which is (please don't sue me):
Let's have a little talk about tweetle beetles....

What do you know about tweetle beetles? Well...

When tweetle beetles fight,
it's called a tweetle beetle battle.

And when they battle in a puddle,
it's a tweetle beetle puddle battle.

AND when tweetle beetles battle with paddles in a puddle,
they call it a tweetle beetle puddle paddle battle.


When beetles battle beetles in a puddle paddle battle
and the beetle battle puddle is a puddle in a bottle...
...they call this a tweetle beetle bottle puddle paddle battle muddle.


When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles
and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles...
...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle
bottle paddle battle.


Now wait a minute, Mr. Socks Fox!

When a fox is in the bottle where the tweetle beetles battle
with their paddles in a puddle on a noodle-eating poodle,
THIS is what they call...

...a tweetle beetle noodle poodle bottled paddled
muddled duddled fuddled wuddled fox in socks, sir!

Ramen Poodle

When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles, they call this a muddle puddle tweetle beetle poodle noodle bottle padddle battle.