Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Monica has all the luck

Last weekend the ‘rents were in town visiting and Mother and I decided to hit downtown for cocktails and we invited Monica to join us.

I was picking an outfit when Monica burst in all a-flutter. As Monica was getting out of her car she had been approached by a neighbor of hers. He said, “Hi, you live down the hall from me, right?” And she said she did. Then he asked if she was seeing anyone.

She said “no.”

Oh Monica, you amateur.

He then said, and I am not shitting you, “Would you like to come over and see my sword collection?”

For some reason Monica said no.

At that point she decided to head straight to my apartment. As she walked past the stairs the Sword Guy said, “You’re not going to Dan’s (our apartment manager) are you? Because that wouldn’t be good for anyone.”

She responded that she was headed for a friend’s apartment and skittered off in sheer terror.

She then spent the next 4 hours fussing over whether she should be nervous and whether her door locks are sturdy enough. I mentioned to her that men who want make outs are hardly attack you with swords. Neither are attackers likely to tell you about their sword collections. It also isn’t against the law or his lease to hit on other folks in the building (thank God!).

Honestly, I feel really bad for this guy. Obviously he had no idea how creepy his invitation sounded. I mean clearly he likes swords, so why would he think that is a weird question? It probably took him a long time to get the nerve to ask her and now he will likely continue to cower in his apartment ogling the House of Cutlery Catalogue for another sexless 40 years.

Hell, I’ll give him some credit for reworking the come up to my apartment to look at whatever line. I’ve never heard “sword collection” before. Furthermore, at least he actually owns swords. The last time I was invited to view a sword it was nestled in trousers.

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