Thursday, November 09, 2006

The most important thing to avoid is...

The Rabies.
I have been taking flack about my fear of cute little animals. But wild animals, no matter how cute or fluffy will attack you, if not to steal your sandwich, then to bite you and give you The Rabies.

Let's use the following hypothetical.

Let's say a hypothetical someone gets a frantic phone call from a friend asking said hypothetical person to remove a dead bat that had taken up residence in their upstairs bedroom during their vacation. Note the dead part- this is important as the hypothetical person is not a complete dummy.
So the hypothetical person put on their monkey pj bottoms and trudged over to their friend's house.
Now, before entering the room, the hypothetical person repeatedly asked their friend if she was sure the bat was dead. "Yes, I'm positive, just get rid of it!" said the imbecilic moron. As the hypothetical person maneuvered the bat into the dustpan, it waited a beat then reared up as though possessed Satan himself and bit the hypothetical person; who immediately bellowed and flapped her hypothetical extremities about in panic, whilst yelling, "Motherfucker! It bit me! I can't believe it bit me!! God damn it!!"
This resulted in a series of three shots to be given within 72 hours in order that the hypothetical person not get The Rabies and die. Strangely, this event did not encourage her to be nice ever again.

Incidentally, one should be very careful when spelling The Rabies, as it is highly unlikely that you can get The Rabbis from being bit by a raccoon.

As the illustration above demonstrates, nature attacks when and where you least expect it. Such as in the mid-nineties, when one is eating cookies and sunbathing with one's best friend, Kristin. And one sees a cutie-woo raccoon on the backyard big toy and one giggles and comments excitedly on its cutie-wooness until it rears up, snarls and runs straight down the slide and onto the porch and chases you into the house (and eats your cookies).
Raccoons are hungry for nubile teenage girl flesh and also cookies, so you should be very careful if you are nubile, or eating cookies.

Also, you should fear geese and maybe ducks too, for while they also look cutie-woo, they will waddle straight over to you and bite the motherfuck out of whatever part of you is readily available.
When I was 5 my cousin David and I were eating our sandwiches at the park on a fine spring day when a giant goose came over and started snuffling around our sandwiches. Then there were two giant geese, then three, then four. And out of nowhere one of them stole my chips. And then half of David's sandwich. Which is when we decided to run like the bitches we were. I most directly recall David yelling "Run KiKi! Run!!!! Save yourself!!!" as the first geese caught up to him, bit him all to hell and stole his sandwich.

Which is why I like to have goose on Christmas.

1 comment:

technogreek said...

Your animal adventures never cease to amus... I mean, amaze me.