Things I wish I could say on work voice mails:

Hi, it’s Quiana calling and I just wanted you to know that there is no place in the pile of paperwork that you sent me that does not contain an error. Clearly you did not attempt to read the instructions or think at all about what you were writing as every single statement in here is either non-topical, incorrect, or illegal.

I will be having a memorial day weekend BBQ at which your paperwork will be used as fuel. Please come eat some meat, it will be affidava-licious.