Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The Year of Oh HELL No!

I'm reading an acclaimed book right now, Maria Dahvana Headley's The Year of Yes. It came highly recommended from a friend who thought I might enjoy it and catch more of the literary allusions. She's right on one count. I am catching her literary allusions, literally 5 to a page.
I hate hate hate Maria Dahvana Headley. HATE. I am about oh... one chapter into this book and I already hate her.
Point #1: She's still bitter about her childhood in Idaho. (Well get in line, sister.) On page 12ish she talks about how none of the guys in her high school wanted to date her because she is curvy and vaguely ethnic looking.

Does she not look like a regular old cracker who very very badly needs a sandwich? And also a bit like Smeagol? Meep!
Perhaps the reason she didn't get asked out is evidenced on page 5 where she casually mentions that she sowed her own clothes and would wear such exciting ensemble as a patch-work toga held together by safety pins.
Perhaps the reason she didn't get asked out is because she's a pretentious, self-deluded bitch who uses the word "Kafka-esque" and expects snaps. She claims to be a playwright. Playwrights, don't just write plays. They sell plays that are then performed for people who pay money. I'm assuming she was just as self-deluded in high school.
Perhaps the reason she didn't get asked out was because she mistakenly thought she was too good for Idaho.
Point #2: When she announces to her roommates that she is going to go out with anyone who asks including construction workers and taxi drivers one roommate (also vile) says "You're not going to sleep with them all are you?" Maria Dahvana Headley pauses and thinks, "Oh I usually do- even though I don't want to." Let me ask you this, if there is anything in your life that you can control, is it not who you sleep with? I can't control traffic or weather, but I am the sole proprietor of my lady-bits. Anyway, then her vile roommate says "Eww, what if he's like a dog-walker from New Jersey." I'm sorry, but she is an unemployed, egomaniacal, snaggle-toothed, crazy, slut from Idaho. At least a dog-walker has a job.
Point #3: Maria Dahvana Headley made sure to point out that the major down points of Idaho are the prevalence of serial killers (all from the NW apparently) and white people. I would have thought depressed economy, lack of economic diversity, lack of metropolitan culture, and rednecks- all sorts would be the issues of complaint. That and the potatoes.
Don't worry, I hate this woman so much, I can't stop reading. I can't wait till she gets the clap or has sex with a married man or maybe an artichoke.

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