Tuesday, April 01, 2008

In which Quiana cannot say/do anything right

Serious conversation means being honest with yourself and other people. Serious conversation means facing up to the parts of you that you can disguise under nail polish and pithy Threadless t-shirts and hundreds of useless facts and distant friendships. Serious conversation is all the shitty parts of being a grown up and none of the good parts like porn and liquor.

I had to have a horrible (read: serious) conversation with someone last night (the second part of a two part clusterfuck). The major problem with having a serious conversation is that I’m super not-good at conversing with other people about things that may hurt feelings or be important or change how things are right at this moment. (For those who don’t know me well, I am always ‘happy’ with things right now- even if I’m not- as long as I don’t have to risk any sort of change).

Last night I had to do the 'smart thing', as opposed to the 'dumb, crazy, short-sighted, stupid thing'- the tempting path of least resistance, which is always lurking.

I could even have done the 'mean thing'; which is second easiest and was nearly always my first choice my entire life. But that is not a good choice when you are busy trying to avoid making every chance meeting with Serious Conversation Buddy the most painfully awkward and gut wrenching moment of the week by doing the smart thing in the first place.

Most unfortunately, I had to do the 'smart thing' using only the arcane tools with which I came into this world- my word making abilities (“honed” by years at a well respected liberal arts college) and innate understanding of feelings. (Hint: not super skilled in either of these arenas.) So… that went poorly and left me with the feeling that I suck and will continue to suck (until I die).

So today I feel shitty. Predicted feelings in my Weekly Feelings Forecast: shitty through the midweek, but lifting into a heavy malaise in time for the weekend. Don’t forget your umbrellas, because it sucks out there. (This is probably my fault.)

1 comment:

Drew said...

Hey you,

Don't get down on yourself. Given the time that I've known you, you've struck me as a person who tries to do what's decent and right. I'm sure that whatever the situation was, you did the right thing.

The right thing isn't always easy, and sometimes to do it, you have to be a dick and hurt people's feelings. Why do you think that only the good die young?