Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Conservative Parents Would Rather their Daughters Die of Cervical Cancer than Admit that Sex is a Choice

Forbes is reporting that Merck, the company that has developed the first cervical cancer vaccine is pressuring the government to add their vaccine to the official government list of highly recommended vaccines for girls.

Conservative groups are saying that this will increase promiscuity. Does this remind you of the whole "not killing my daughter if she has sex will encourage her to have sex" argument?

I hate that these people would rather risk exposing their child to getting HPV from their legally wed spouse who only slept with one other person one time, before they found God. Or more likely from the person they illicitly sleep with - who, I might add, will probably be in their youth group.

When will people get it through their stupid heads' that teens will have sex no matter what the risks? That loving your child is loving them even if they make mistakes?

What would Jesus do? Probably not unnecessarily risk his child's life.

When Rabies Attacks... breakfast food items













Watch out waffle!!!


Monday night I finally decided to break down and buy a crappy waffle iron after years of searching for the perfect one. Target did not have a waffle iron that I was going to settle for- even though the website said they have it.
I want square waffles. I want traditional (i.e. non-Belgian) waffles. With adjustable doneness and a timer. And I would like it to cost less than 50 bucks, but not be an utter piece of crap.

Am I crazy to spend 5 years looking for a waffle iron? Maybe. I suppose I could have bought the $90 Williams-Sonoma one 5 years ago and gotten $90 dollars worth of use out of it already... oh well.




Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Don't let your brain get all musty.

Look! Lectures! Yay words!

The Future of Health: Dean Kamen

Friday, February 9, 7:30 PM Town Hall pleased to announce a new series, “The Future of Health,” and to kick it off with well-known entrepreneur and inventor Dean Kamen. Perhaps most famous for the invention of the Segway, Kamen has turned his attention to the world’s water supply. An estimated 1.1 billion people in the world don't have access to clean drinking water and 1.6 billion don't have electricity. To solve the problem, Kamen has invented two devices, each about the size of a washing machine, which can provide much-needed clean water and power in the third world. These are technologies that can be distributed by local village entrepreneurs. Town Hall's “Future of Health” series will explore a wide-range of emerging health issues—from global policy to personal health to alternative practices—and continues on February 28 with James McManus talking about stem cell research. $5 Tickets & info
Tickets are $5 at the door only. Town Hall members receive priority seating.

Eric Klinenberg: ‘Fighting for Air’

Monday, February 5, 7:30 PM For the residents of Minot, North Dakota, the demise of truly local media spelled disaster. In the wake of a train derailment that sent a cloud of poisonous gas drifting toward the town, Minot’s fire and rescue department attempted to reach Clear Channel, the owner/operator of all six local commercial radio stations to warn residents of the approaching threat—but there was no one in the studio to take the call. The result was one death and more than a thousand injuries. Opening with the story of the Minot tragedy, Eric Klinenberg’s new book, Fighting for Air, examines how corporate ownership and control of local media has remade American political and cultural life. Klinenberg is interviewed by Michael Fancher, editor at large of the Seattle Times. Also the author of the highly acclaimed Heat Wave: A Social Autopsy of Disaster In Chicago, Klinenberg is a sociology professor at New York University. Presented by the Town Hall Center for Civic Life with Elliott Bay Book Company and The Seattle Times. Downstairs at Town Hall, enter on Seneca Street. $5 Tickets & info
Tickets are $5 at the door only. Town Hall members receive priority seating.

Look! Music! YAY Music!

Saturday Family Concerts: Math & Physics Club

Saturday, February 17, 11:00 AM ; Saturday, February 17, 1:30 PM The Seattle indie favorites, Math and Physics Club, charm kids and kids-at-heart with their gentle brand of pop. Their acclaimed EPs, “Weekends Away” and “Movie Ending Romance” have received heavy play on KEXP. The Math and Physics Club has appeared at Sasquatch and Bumbershoot and has spent much of 2006 writing and recording its first full-length album. Presented with KEXP and Parent Map. $5 Tickets & info
Free for kids 12 and under/$5 for adults. Tickets required for all attendees. Adults not admitted without children. Children must be accompanied by an adult. Tickets available at www.brownpapertickets.com or 800/838-3006.

Alexi Murdoch

Crocodile Cafe, Seattle, WA
Sat, Feb 24, 2007 09:30 PM

Thai Government Tells Big Drugs 'Bite Me.'

The Thai government has decided to break patent laws on heart and HIV meds for citizens getting health care on the state dime. Business Week reports that more than 700,000 people suffer from AIDS or Heart Disease in the impoverished nation and at the prices drug companies want, the state would be able to treat less than 10%.
I am glad that someone is standing up to these drug companies. Yes, I know it is incredibly expensive to manufacture these drugs. But it is also expensive to create cryptic commericals for drugs that help rich old white American men get erections. So, Big Drugs, I'm with Thailand- go to hell.
I do wonder what it will mean to these drug companies if they start loosing money on AIDS drugs. What with them already not giving a shit about the poor/black people.

Monday, January 29, 2007

I'm not just a little black rain cloud.

Over the past week I have had numerous well meaning people ask me about my job: boring, boring job at Workplace of Doom. This is happening because I am now searching for a new boring boring job. And by "new" I mean a higher level version of the exact same job that I currently have.

People keep telling me that I am selling myself short and that I can do "more" with my life. Uhm, well thanks. I am a very directed person and I assure all of my readers that if I knew what I wanted to do I would do it. I am even toying with ideas. But I am also deeply aware of my financial situation. I have debt- not a lot of it and it's almost entirely student loans.

I would love to have a devil may care attitude and rush out and take an LSAT course and go to law school to be a child advocate... but I am also aware that spending 60,000 to make less than 40,000 would be bad math.

I would love to go back and get a masters and a teaching certificate, but spending 4 years and 80,000 to make less than 35,000 is colossally, monumentally, mortifyingly fiscally irresponsible.

I grew up very poor and consequently I am very cautious about my finances. I have no parents to give me money, no influential family friends, nowhere to retreat to if I need to lick my wounds. Lonely Quiana is on the trapeze of life without a net. And I am really OK with that; things are just the way they are. I grew up with the phone being canceled and paying for food with change. Sure, I would like to make more money- that is my job-hunt focus right now. Sure, I would love to own a bakery, or a bookstore, or something- but I LOVE having electricity. I LOVE not worrying about next month's rent, or the dentist, or an accident.

Yes, I take it as a compliment that people view me as a highly skilled/smart person. But offering me advice as to the myriad of better things that I could be doing with my time just makes me feel that my accomplishments are not good enough.

Boss's expectations of my love life quite flattering

Last Friday my lovely boss asked me if I would hate her forever if she asked me to work late on Valentine's Day. I told her it was fine. She asked me if I was sure. I told her that it would take an act of God to get me Valentine's Day plans at this point and I would just be home watching Oz.
So now I am working late Valentine's Day and then I will go home and watch convicts sexually assault each other and then maybe have some fajitas.
Do not say that my life is not fraught with spice and romance.

Reviled Plastics on the War Path

Saturday at exciting poker night I think I had an allergic reaction to latex. With wheezing, watery eyes, and swollen fingers.

Latex is the plastic of the damned.

This reminds me of how I learned of this exciting allergy. I was on my way somewhere in the car (with someone) and my mom called. I picked up because this is the best time to answer a mom call. As soon as I am tired of the conversation I can say, "Hey mom, I'm kind of driving, so I probably should hang up soon." At which point my mother immediately says, "Love you, bye," and hangs up the phone. (Result!)

Here is the transcript of the call:

Me: Hey Ma, what's up?
Ma: Nothing much, how are you?
Me: Super (with implied "and you")
Ma: So the results to my allergy test came back.
(Silence)
(Continued silence)
Me: Ma...?
Ma: Yea?
Me: And...?
Ma: So you know that weird allergy we have to tape and band-aids and stuff?
Me: Yep.
Ma: It turns out that I'm allergic to latex, and you probably are too.
Me: Ok.
Ma: So you should try to remember to be careful about that.
Me: Ok.
Ma: For when you have sex. Because they have...
Me: Yea... hey Ma, I'm kind of driving right now.
Ma: Ok, love you, bye.
Me: Love you too, bye.

Pan's Labyrinth

























This weekend my cousin Melanie, Kim, and I went to see Pan's Labyrinth. It was a lovely and compelling film. It was sad, beautiful, simple, and incredibly evocative.
I can't think of anything bad to say about the movie other than I spent a good deal of the time squeaking and peaking from behind my scarf. And even that isn't really bad.

5 out of 5 monkeys.

In other movie news I'm thinking of changing my rating system from number of monkeys to hated, didn't like, liked, loved. I wonder how I can express this in monkey related terms.


Friday, January 26, 2007

Hello, my name is Quiana, and I work in a button factory.

Random Collection of Thoughts:

I only watch two shows on TV in real time (as opposed to DVD) Greys Anatomy & Good Eats.
Monica and I have noticed that the commercial breaks at the beginning of Greys are shorter than those towards the end. The super-sized commercial breaks hold my nemesis: the ridiculously long commercial for Lost. I am not watching Lost in real time. I do NOT want to know what is happening in Lost. I am waiting for the DVD, STUPID ABC. This is very frustrating because now there is a huge commercial block through which I am not allowed to look at my own TV.

Some day, when I pay off my student loans and the left over car related debt, my tax refund could be used to go on a vacation. And now wouldn't that be sexy?

So far only one job rejection. Although not calling is like a tacit rejection I suppose. I think I will not spend time dwelling on this thought though.

Last night I felt a twinge of jealousy when a friend of mine revealed exciting new plans for more education. A trust fund is a damn handy thing to have.

I have made an appointment to get started with this cortisone shot thing. Cross your fingers. And also your toes.

I am having lunch at the EDCC student chef run restaurant with coworkers I like. I am excited. Much more excited than a student chef prepared lunch probably warrants.

Tonight is fondue and cocktails with the girls. There will be fruit and we will enrobe it in chocolate. We will drink appletinis and play cards. I am looking forward to this with great anticipation.

I tutor a high school boy in English and even though he initially did not get Of Mice and Men, he brought a rough draft of an essay to yesterday's session and it was not the gibberish I have come to expect. Although he did use the phrase "beat the crap out of someone," which was excised in favor of a phrase not containing the word 'crap.' We edited the essay and it looked pretty darn good by the end of our session. So that is pretty exciting.

Yesterday I edited some previous entries for clarity and grammar, so if you're super bored you can play spot the changes.

My left shoe has developed a squeak. This is displeasing as I cannot be very sneaky if I am squeaky. (That should be some kind of product tagline.)

Apparently we've banned luxury exports to N. Korea. This is to Provoke Crazy Jong-Il to attack America pressure N. Korea's confusingly wealthy bastard communist leaders to quit screwing around with nukes. Hopefully they will feel deprived when the next new I-pod comes out (in apx. 3 seconds) and never ever toy with global domination again. So there. I like this idea-almost everyone in N. Korea is starvation level poor and we are leveraging these assholes with revocation of jet-skis and Jags.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Two great tastes that taste, wait, what?

Introducing Woddles. Do you like penguins? Do you like waffles? Now you can enjoy penguins in a new way, with syrup and bacon.








So this is all pretty disturbing to me. This Sunbeam product is only available in Australia, the land known for its tremendous penguin eating bastardry.




Actually, the main problem is that unlike your normal waffle, it lacks the symmetrical cavities into which one may place a blueberry or chocolate chip, or perhaps even an exact amount of peanut butter, all in perfect communistic order. (See below, see the order!)













Obviously, the hollow cavity in the middle of the Woddle will create a surplus of topping matter in the middle. Sunbeam claims this is for a scoop of ice cream. Sacrilege!!! Everyone knows that ice cream on a waffle is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord!!

Rabies Overload


















Today cuteoverload.com ran the above picture.

That is not cute. That is visual confirmation that raccoons, like the scary clown in IT are waiting in the sewer and will drag you down there when you least suspect it.

I urge readers to watch the ground carefully and wear boots. This is urban warfare and one can't be too careful as it concerns both the sewer and The Rabies.

Murder, still totally ok in Jordan.

The AP is running an article about a Jordanian man who, after having his daughter checked for her virginity, (how this works, I do not know) shot her- even though he signed a contract saying he wouldn't. They made him sign a contract. Hold on, I'm still stuck on this. They made him sign a contract saying that he wouldn't hurt his own daughter. Incidentally, according to doctors, she died a virgin.

According to the article, on average, 20 Jordanian women are murdered in so-called honor killings a year. The government of Jordan has recently upgraded the penalty for honor killings to be more on par with homicides. The maximum prison sentence: 15 years.

The part of the article that got me was: "But attempts to introduce harsher sentences have been blocked by conservative lawmakers who argue that tougher penalties would lead to promiscuity." You think? Yea, it probably would. But hey, you know what statistic would drop? Murder.

I still can't believe that this kind amoral crap is still being preached by "men of God." Let me just mention that God is watching and I'm guessing that he isn't for murder. War, yes. Justice, yes. Shooting your daughter in the face to protect your reputation. Probably not.

America: still angered by own stupidity.

Yesterday the AP ran an article about some study that said you could microwave sponges to kill the germs. So last night all over America morons attempted to microwave dry sponges.
I don't want to be a bigger ass than usual, but seriously, didn't it occur to them that they might need water in those sponges?
I'm just saying. I read the article and thought, oh it is just like the old fashioned way of cleaning sponges, setting them on fire boiling them in water.
According to today's article the sponges melted and caught on fire, ruining microwaves and producing a foul stench.
Either I am a complete jerk or this is hilarious. I love you, you great big fat stupid America!!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Break'n up is hard to do.

I just had to let my boss know that I have applied for a bunch of other positions. She took it really well, but I am very sad. I love my boss, and if it weren't for her I would have moved on long ago.

On the other hand I need 3 things:
1. More to do. I am bored bored bored right now, and I need new challenges.
2. I need more shoes. Wait, no, I mean more money. I need more money. Considering my qualifications I could make a lot more money elsewhere.
3. I need opportunities for my future. I have really really run out of promotions and at this point I am really just waiting for somebody to die in order to move up. This is making me morbid. It must stop.

Parental Responsibility

Today I caught a short article about a family of three who were removed from their flight when their 3 year old child refused to be seated. She crawled under her seat and was hitting her parents and screaming. The crew made the decision to remove them due to the fact the plane was already late and it was unfair to hold it back further for the 112 other passengers. They flew the family home for free the next day.
Having made the correct decision, the airline is of course under criticism.
I'm sorry, but if you can't control the munchkin, you can't fly on a plane. I don't mean to be a bitch, but yank her out from under there and put her in the seat. You can still wrestle them into position at that age.
The parents said they didn't have time to comfort their child. Tough nuts. How long is enough time to comfort an obviously spoiled child? This hitting thing is something I am seeing all the time recently and the parents do nothing. I think that I should get to hit the parents too-- for raising their kids this way.
If my child were behaving that way, I would desire nothing more than to get off the plane.
It's easy for me, a non-parent to say these things and you can't really control a child 100%, but the rest of us should not be punished for your procreative decisions.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Sneaky sneaky bastards

I was listening to very mellow Tracy Chapman and got up to get a pretzel. When I came back Pink Floyd was blaring from my computer. There were some... looks.
Sorry coworkers, you've been The Wall-ed.
You should totally fire me. Then I could realize my life's dream: Foreigner groupie.

I was saving this for a special occasion, but I can't get it together today.


















Darling, that bacon isn't ready yet.

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Right to Bear Monkeys.

Here is a Business Week Article about legislation to restrict private primate ownership.

Your tax dollars at work.

And a direct quote from the article, "Taking a libertarian view, Joseph Kirkland doesn't think he should be punished for the perceived mistakes of other monkey owners. An National Rifle Association member, he channels that group's resentment toward people who want to legislate his life. "Just like my gun," he says, "They're going to have to pry my monkey from my cold, dead hand."

Now, Mr. Kirkland, this is a family blog. Let's not talk about what you do with your monkey in your spare time.

And what does PETA have to say? Who cares? They are crazy terrorist assholes who think that having a pet dog is animal cruelty.

FINE. They say the following:

"Lisa Wathne, a PETA "captive exotic animal specialist" calls buying pet monkeys a "slave trade." The monkey owners keep their pets "mostly as an ego boost" and should release them to accredited sanctuaries. Many monkeys, she continues, "would be better off dead" -- euthanized -- than in private homes. "

I love it when they compare pet ownership to the slave trade. I like it a bit better when they compare it Auschwitz and the Native American Genocide.

Go to hell PETA.

(Original BW article brought to my attention by mimi smartypants.)

Children of Men















This weekend a group of us went to see Children of Men, which was an amazing movie. I loved everything about it pretty much unreservedly. I definitely recommend that you see this movie. It was thought provoking and simply excellent cinema.


There are so many more things I would like to write about, but I would rather not put any spin on the movie.


5 out of 5 mokeys.


Friday, January 19, 2007

Man at Work Who Sucks at Adultery, Touché

Perhaps you suck less at adultery than I thought. I heard that you went out to lunch with the new lady. This time you picked a married woman a little older than you. This may be a rewarding strategy. I think I might have underestimated your lady wooing abilities, MAWWSAA, way to be a successful ass hole.

I admit today I felt a little immature when I asked Angie to ask Sharon to ask you to carry the heavy boxes up from the freight room. This reminds me exactly of how I was asked to homecoming senior year. I was very grateful to find the boxes more or less where I had described.

Could this be the start of beautiful friendship, based upon you doing crap that I would prefer not me to do?

June & Punties

There is this woman, and I wish to make this clear, though I call her Grandma June, she is NOT my grandma. She is my great uncle Loren’s wife’s mother. So, not my relative, in spite of the name.
All my elderly female relatives can be fairly easily divided into 3 distinct categories:
1. Mean as a badger (potentially as hairy).
2. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
3. Dotty and senile.
Grandma June is of the first group. After she retired she was pretty bored, so she decided to get a job at McDonald’s. (Which I might digress again to say that this would not be my first choice, but different strokes etc.) You can picture a wrinkled grey elderly woman in her red visor and matching polo ensemble cheerfully making burgers or taking money, if that makes you happy. However that is in no way related to what actually happened.

Grandma June became the Crazy McDonald’s Lady. Her sole job is to prowl the dining area making sure that it is clean and that there are always straws, little white stir sticks, and ketchup. She yells at people who are noisy or leave a mess or waste napkins. She terrorizes the local teens who use the McDonald’s as a hangout or meeting place. She rousts the homeless and trouble makers with her snappy white towel and fierce words.

Once when my cousin David (who actually is June’s real grandchild) and I were at some party as teenagers someone came in with a McDonald’s cup. He began to say that he went to McDonalds, when some other person jumped in and said, “Oh no! Did the Crazy McDonald’s Lady get you?” At which point we felt fairly obligated to tell them that she was our grandma in order to save later embarrassment.

In completely unrelated news, last night Jim let me know that the hapless Canadians that I accidentally traumatized have apparently learned of my dislike of the word ‘panties’ and kindly asked to meet the “punties girl.”
Punties, they go on your butt and are not sexualized.
Hooray for punties!

Yes, kitty, it IS a good idea to sniff that!


Now this is cute.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Opposite of a Cookie

My boss called me over to her desk and said, "I have something I need you to distribute to the rest of the department."
"Is it a cookie," I asked excitedly.
Shaking her head, she responded, "No, it is the opposite of a cookie."
And it was a multi-page memo titled, "Lifting Safety."

In Quianaland trains always run on time.

Today a coworker came into my cubical to discover my Smurf Raceway. Really just three smurfs in "vehicles" which theoretically could locomote. The coworker offered quite kindly to give me her vintage smurf collection, which her small children are busy, lo, at this very moment, scorning. I happily agreed.
Then she mentioned something about communism. It had never occurred to me to wonder why I loved the smurfs. But now it makes sense, they all had little jobs that corresponded to their little names, and outfits, and homes. They all had purpose and order.
I guess even as a child I was a strange mixture of Monk and Karl Marx (substitute piggy-tales for a beard.)
Smurftastic, bitches!

Crap, about which I am thinking.

Last night I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep because I was thinking about Nip Tuck and body image. I was actually provoked to thought by an original FX series. This is almost as bad as the Sci-Fi Channel Original Mini-Series calamity.

In other news, I am very seriously considering getting the cortisone shot to my hurty foot. Apparently this hurts like the very Dickens. My coworker, who might I add has actually borne a child, said that this was the most incredibly painful thing ever. Advise.

Today I noticed a huge clump of animal fur on my butt. This is troubling because when there is a big clump of white/grey animal fur on black pants it stands out. Meaning that countless people have noticed, and did not mention anything because they did not want me to think they are butt looker-atters. And with all this dilemma, now they are not only butt looker-atters, they are now butt thinker-aboutters. If someone had brought this up, it would launch them into the butt trifecta: looker-atter, thinker-aboutters, and now talker-aboutters. Further, if someone tells you there is something on your butt, you immediately try to look at your own butt- which is not even possible. So now you are some freak turning around like a dog chasing its tail. Then you are a butt-brusher. And if you can't get whatever is on your butt off by blindly brushing, you need an assistant who is now a butt-toucher. Which is too much for me, at least in the workplace. After careful consideration, there is not one person I would like to have butt-touching with in my entire office. Perhaps in the satellite offices I could find someone, but there is simply not time for that sort of thing.

Not regarding butts, but as an interesting side note, I would like to welcome you to the gun show. My uncle and I, having viewed The Descent, determined that those skinny minnies couldn't do a single push-up, and definitely couldn't use cramp-ons (or whatever they're called) to climb across the top of a cave. In fact, I figured I could do more push ups than those nambi-pambies. Unfortunately unless they couldn't do any push ups, they could to more than me. I managed 1.5 push ups, which you may recognize as down, up, collapse. In the last 10 days I have been doing as many push ups as I can before bed. I am now up to 8 push ups. Last night I was brushing my teeth in a wifebeater and realized I had completely forgotten about the family arm curse. You'll be glad to know that I look like Pop-eye, post spinach, a washerwoman, or possibly a Marine. Surely there is some online fetish thing for this, so I should be wary.

Playing with Fire

If I were P-Diddy or whatever he insists we call him I would check myself...

















because Jessica Biel could kick his ass.

Photos courtesy of Tyler Durden.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

In which I look like an ass, again.

It is the privilege of the wealthy to obsess over the environment. To the starving people in Africa a rain forest is an obstacle in their fight to grow food. Deforestation, extinction, these are important, and I am concerned. It is just easier for me to sit ensconced in the luxuries I scarcely notice and judge the profoundly poor for their shortsightedness, than it is for them to fret over livestock during war, famine, and pestilence.
Today the AP ran another story about destruction in war torn Congo. Apparently rebel soldiers are killing gorillas and hippos for their meat. While I grant you that the destruction of these animals is of greater significance due to their scarcity, I also wonder how many African people die of starvation while we scold them over their consumption of their local animals.
I think that Americans would rather save the gorillas than save the Africans.
How many Africans equal one gorilla in the eyes of the developed world? Now that is a real-life application of math.

Murder in LA

Last night I watched two mockeries of hardboiled LA crime films. Unfortunately for the makers of The Black Dahlia, they hadn’t intended to make a joke.


















The Black Dahlia was the single worst written, most confusing, least moving film I have seen in quite a while. They managed to make me lose interest in what is arguably the most famous unsolved murder in America. The costuming was lovely, and some of the acting was fine. But it was so poorly held together that I couldn’t even understand what was happening or why. I wonder if Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett actually read the script before they accepted the roles.

No monkeys out of five possible monkeys for wasting over two hours of my life.





















The other movie I watched last night was Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, a refreshing comedy about unlikely heroes solving unlikely crimes. I really liked it, I even laughed aloud. Val Kilmer did an amazing job as Gay Perry, a LA private dick. Robert Downey Jr. was excellent as a bumbling robber turned wannabe actor turned bumbling wannabe detective.

Five monkeys for accomplishing exactly what the movie was intended to do, make me laugh.

Chimps, still bastards but with excellent taste in snacks

According to the AP a chimp escaped from its enclosure at the Little Rock Zoo and reportedly cleaned the toilet, washed and then broke into the fridge containing "chimp snacks" (baby monkeys? So tender and delicious...) and drank out of every one's sodas before being tranquilized on top of the fridge. She passed out grasping a loaf of Cinnamon-raisin bread.

I too enjoy a tidy toilet and Cinnamon-raisin bread. But Judy, mind your carbs, sweet heart.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Extras

Last night I went to Chris & Andy's Green Lake Chalet to irritate them with my minutely right-leaning views. In between global warming and war discussions we watched the first episode of season two of Extras. I liked it a lot and it was certainly Orlando Bloom's best part and best acting; but the constant cringe factor almost sucked the funny right out of the show.
By the same creative team as the original The Office, it had incredibly similarly styled dialogue. It also presented very similar scenarios, in a less personally identifiable setting. Office works almost just because we understand humiliation and we understand offices. I don't identify with striving to create a timeless television show.
I can't decide how I feel about Extras. Perhaps I will start again at the first episode and see how that goes.

Panda sex, panda sex, panda sex; is that all you ever think about?

More Panda Sex over at the Associated Press
We are so obsessed with panda sex. Every day I swear there is a new how to get pandas to make sweet sweet panda love article.
I'm beginning to think that people think more about how to get pandas to get some then they actually try to get some themselves.
The article is about a panda that is officially too fat to have sex. Well, him and 50% of American humans can bite me, assuming that they can make it up the stairs.

Beware the Curse of the Timberlake

This is what happens to you when Justin Timberlake breaks up with you.

Exhibit A:
























Exhibit B:























I don't care how wealthy and sexy Justin Timberlake is, if he wanted to date me I would run away secure in the knowledge that I could never become a Timberlake Zombie Hoochie.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Gargoyle Toes is at least honest with self.

Today a coworker rushed over to show me the newest addition to the cubical of Gargoyle Toes (who is not in today).














Upon closer inspection you will see 3 dirty beverage containers, and new art.
It reads: Ineptitude: If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
I'm completely stymied.
Well, she is certainly the most inept person I know. And I know A LOT of useless bastards.

By request: Worst Date Ever

I have been on numerous horrible dates, a trend which I am sure is not abating anytime soon. But three really exceed the others in general horribleness.

When I was living in Japan this Japanese guy that I knew from a friend of a friend asked me out. He happened to be a drug dealer, which I knew, but I had seen Go and Timothy Olyphant was hot and this guy was hot so I thought I could be like Katie Holmes. Not the case. He picked me up on a motorcycle (I was not appropriately dressed), we had dinner (cheap tacky Hawaiian food), then he insisted that we go back to his place and have sex. I said no. He then ditched me in the middle of some neighborhood in Tokyo and I was reduced to having to hail a taxi to the train station where I rode the train back to my stop and ran into a British kid who I had a crush on, which was embarrassing since I was uhm, teary.

Another terrible date was also in Japan. His name was Omar. He was a black frat boy from Louisiana. We went to dinner and it was exactly like having dinner with my dad. "Let me tell you about...." "Do you know what your problem is...." Anyway after dinner we walked though cute little shops and then he insisted on walking me home. At my home it promptly started to pour and he just invited himself to crash at my house. Galvin, my roommate, offered to kick him out, but I figured Omar could rip Galvin to tiny tiny Chinese pieces so I declined. I made Omar sleep on my floor. In the morning I woke up and he was taking my picture! He posted that picture on his frat house website as some chick he had bagged. I hope his frat brothers find girls in polar bear and penguin footie pj's sexy.

And my worst date, domestically, was with some kid in my History class at Haverford. It was the last two weeks or so of class and this unprepossessing but smart and seemingly nice (like George in Grey's Anatomy) kid from class slipped me a note. I read it and it was all, 'Quiana you are so pretty and smart and awesome and I hear that you broke up with your boyfriend and I wish I could take you out, even though I'm sure you're not interested.' So I call him and ask him if he wants to hang out. He excitedly arranged to pick me up and take me to dinner and a movie. We had a nice Italian dinner; he wasn't really my type, but things were pleasant.

We missed getting into the movies, so we decided to go to King of Prussia Mall (the largest mall on the East coast). And who do I see going down the escalator as we were riding up? Some schmuck guy I had been out with a few times, pretty recently. And what is he smooching? Apparently his fiance. So, now I am very flustered. But not as flustered as when the kid from class casually mentions, as he is dropping me off, that oh BTW he also actually has a girlfriend. Then he tried to kiss me. Unbelievable. But wait!! There's more.

So Scmuck's fiance is graduating from Villanova on the same day that I graduated from Bryn Mawr and chooses the same damn restaurant in which to have her family graduation celebration dinner. I got to sit across from Schmuck and poor future Mrs. Schmuck and make small talk with my Granny. Very very unimpressive.

By request: Best of Japan

I think the best thing about Japan was probably little old Japanese ladies. For example, one day I was wandering around Tokyo and walked into a fancy hotel. I walked past a room where a woman was teaching ikebana. I asked if I could come in and look. She gestured for me to come in and introduced me to the other ladies and then taught me ikebana. Just for the heck of it. I guess just because I am an American.

Another woman who was a friend's host mother had only sons and had always wanted a daughter. So when he brought me over to meet her she went bananas and we traded recipes and sat around having tea and very very simple conversation. Before I left Japan she gave me the apron that she made for herself just before she got married and wished that I could be a beautiful young wife. (Good luck, lady)

Of course there were the clubs, gadgets, and the food was phenomenal. And I have to say I would be remiss in not mentioning to two other awesome things: other foreigners and J-Pop stars. I was at an International college and even when you're out in the city foreigners tended to band together, so I was able to meet people from all over the world. It is amazing to me that I have friends in Australia, Taiwan, Ireland, England, France, Finland, Sweden, Germany, Brazil, etc. etc. all from one year in Japan.

And finally there was this one time at this reggae bar (seriously a Japanese reggae bar) that we used to frequent when a famous and tiny member of a Japanese boy-band spent the majority of the evening trying to steal me away from my 6 foot tall, hockey playing, Michigander boyfriend. The J-Popper would have been ideal, if I was lesbian.

I tend to forget the bad things that happen to me. I have the WORST memory of anyone you will ever know. I think that is how I keep myself happy, I simply can't remember as many bad things as I can good. At that time there were some very serious personal circumstances in my life that collided with the loneliness, racism and sexism in Japan to make my life very very hard. Add in the liquor and the fact that 20 year olds are total idiots, and there you go.

Let's add on a bad note or two for balance's sake. The sexism in Japan was appalling. My friend was stalked by a Japanese man, who in fact attacked her on her porch. When she went to the police they told her it was her fault for looking exotic and that she should cover or dye her red hair. It took a few of our giant buddies jumping the guy and kicking his ass to get him to stop. That's not how things should be, least of all in a nation with one of the world's most liberal constitutions.

Racism against everyone not Japanese is delicately balanced with a pop-star like fanaticism. For example people would touch me, take pictures of me, buy me drinks, and scrutinize me as though I was an object. People like my ikebana teacher were thrilled to meet Americans, while some restaurants had signs up that said "no foreigners" or "Japanese only." Koreans whose ancestors were brought to Japan as slaves and have lived here for generations are not citizens and are not allowed to vote. It is just one more case of injustice in Japan that was too much for me.

By request: the best and worst of Japan.

The Japan worsts, I have so many humiliating stories, but I think I shall write of the Chikans.

Picture young, starry eyed Quiana and a tiny adorable Japanese girl (sent by my exchange program) riding the train from the airport. Seated next to me is a tiny elderly Japanese man in a suit and trench coat. Slowly the man 'falls asleep.' As he 'snoozes' his hand somehow finds it's way to my upper thigh, and manages to move northward. My horrified companion became a fine shade of crimson when I slapped his hand and said, "Don't touch me again if you want that hand back!"

Towards the middle of my stay in Japan I decided to do some traveling. I had always wanted to go to the Yuuki Matsuri, the Snow Festival, in which the army brings tons of snow into Sapporo and then various artists, schools and businesses compete in giant snow sculpture making. It is quite amazing actually. On my way to Hokkaido my luggage was searched (I should mention that this is right after the Yemen terrorist thing, but long before September 11th). And they stole my underwear. I arrived in Sapporo with no undies and had to find new underwear that fit western women. I should mention that I was double pissed, because, and this won't surprise you, I really prefer to wear matching bra and underwear sets. Thank God I weighed like a buck ten otherwise I would have been completely screwed.

There was actually quite the market for used undies- particularly western women's undies. So it is hard to say if the person who stole my undies was a pervert or just a money grubbing bastard.

Tales of Minature Quiana: Beginings of the GDI

When I was 5ish we lived behind a frat house in Idaho. Good times. I think that is when I first starting hanging out with frat boys.

They used to hang out in the backyard, barbecuing and playing football. They used to give me cookies and let me play too. It was great.

Strangely my most vivid memory of living behind the frat house was when we were leaving the detached garage and I found the most fascinating thing I have ever seen. A HUGE frozen pool of vomit.

My mother, was significantly less fascinated and we moved shortly there after.

whining 'bout my winter wonderland

I am at a blogging loss, so now I officially open up ye' old suggestion box. Blog reader(s) what would you like to read about? Ask the Q a question and get an answer, today only. Leave me your questions as comments.

Is this global warming?

It was in the 60's in NYC all last week and now here in Seattle it is SNOWING every damn time I turn around.
Is it global warming?
Yes, I know I don't believe in global warming, but seriously, if this is it I am totally against it.
However, if global warming can make it stop snowing, I will buy a hummer and run it 24 hours a day for the next 4 years.
All I know is that it is warmer in Wisconsin than it is here and I am pissed off.

I hate you, frozen water!

Today was another invigorating crawl through the trunk day. Why is it that the trunk is always the only opening not frozen shut when it snows, melts, & refreezes? Why Why Why!!!!
Then, when I finally get into work and nobody else bothered to show. Furthermore, I was supposed to have stuff to do today, but not if all meetings are canceled and I have no new assignments.
GRUMBLE SNORT!

Nature: Still Lurking- will bite leg/burn house down.














The AP is reporting that a giant raccoon attacked a woman on her own porch. Said the victim: "It was a huge raccoon who meant business." Not like those small rabid animals that just want to be loved. Quite frankly, when it comes to giant raccoons, I would almost rather them grabbing my leg for business, rather than pleasure.

In other AP's 'when animals attack news' recently in Serbia three pigs burst free of their bondage, stormed the farmer's house and knocked his TV over, causing a fire which burnt down the farmers house. Dare I say it? Indeed I do dare: Four legs good, two legs bad!!!!

Viva La Revolucion! The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Attack of the multi-racial identity crisis!














Today I received a letter on State Letterhead. This is not unusual. However I was stopped in my tracks by the salutation: "Dear African American Educator." The letter was from the Washington State Commission on African American Affairs and invited me to a rally on African American Legislative Day.
Now somewhere along the line I must have had the option of checking a box to select my race. Depending on what options are available I would have checked white, black, and Native American. If they forced me to select one, I always pick Hispanic. Why? It is simultaneously the least close to what I am (the only two races I lack are Asian and Hispanic) and the closest (because most Puerto Ricans are basically racially white, black, and native mixes). Also I am a complete bastard.
When I was a kid and people would ask my race I would say that I was a Weirdo like Gonzo. As it turns out I think I still feel like a weirdo.
I wonder what it would be like to look like me and attend that rally.
Sometimes I am sad that I don't belong, but most of the time I simply can't understand belonging and the fanaticism that accompanies "us vs. them" mentalities.

Yvonne De Carlo

















Yvonne De Carlo passed away Monday of natural causes. You may remember her as Lily Munster, but I will always remember her as Mrs. Warren in John Wayne's McLintock! as well a number of other westerns.

She was a beautiful woman and a good actress. She will me missed.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Actual Must See TV

The AP tells me that Stephen Colbert and Bill O'Reilly will be swapping show appearances on the 18th.
Says Colbert, "I look forward to the evening. It is an honor to speak face-to-face with a broadcasting legend, and I feel the same way about Mr. O'Reilly."



















A little somthing for the ladies.

Why bother?

Yesterday I ordered some toner for my office copy machine. The guy asks me to spell my name, which I did.
Then today a box of toner arrived for Kuiana. Why ask? If you are just going to mail it with whatever you feel like on there, why waste the time?
It is as though my name actually short circuits the brain.

Ignorant questions

So if the new Apple iphone is operated by touch, am I going to hang up on my mom all the time due to (genetic) clumsiness- dropping and picking up, etc.?
Also, I know that touch screens have to do with electrical impulse, but I never took human bio, this being said, could I hang up on my mom with, oh say, my nose? Would it be too weird to try to use my nose to operate the copy machine at work? That would settle that question nicely.
My ipod and phone are simultaneously breaking, is this a sign from God? I think so.

What a Girl Wants

People are insinuating that I am single because I’m too picky. I would argue that my dating rules are not completely out of control.

It’s just that I could never love a man who…
-owns a Hummer.
-has a last name that ends in a soft ‘a’ sound. (For example, had I married one of my ex boyfriends my name would be Quiana Hua, as in rhymes with Mauna Pua. DISASTER.)
-is a Libertarian.
-doesn’t eat meat.
-is shorter than my mom. (5’7”)
-has parents that I dislike.
-is scared of spiders.
-is allergic to more foods than me.
-smells bad.
-isn’t as smart or smarter than yours truly.
-doesn’t share or humor my spectacular dorkiness.
-doesn’t like to go out and do things.
-is bothered by my tone deaf car serenades.
-isn’t funny.
-doesn’t care about politics.
-doesn’t get the movie Groundhog’s Day.
-can’t say no to me.
-doesn’t like Steve.
-my uncle Brad doesn’t like.

I would venture to guess that I’m still single because I’m a colossal bitch.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Bad Movie Marathon Roundup

My uncle and I decided that in my aunt’s absence we would lay around and eat brownies and watch movies all weekend. So without further ado, how to waste your life without really trying:

I brought:
Inspector Lynley (Episode 2)
The Earl of Whatsis and his lower-class partner investigate a murder in an upper crust boy’s school. 4 out of 5 monkeys.

Riding Giants
A surf documentary focused on big wave surfing. It was just a bit too long, but quite diverting. Some of the footage was spectacular. 4 monkeys.

He brought:
A Night at the Opera
The Marx Brothers try to foster the love of two young opera stars. The movie totally rocked, except for the opera part…. 5 monkeys for comedy that holds up to the test of time.

We rented the following films from Scarecrow. When we told the Scarecrow guy that we were having a Bad Movie Marathon he got all bent out of shape and told us that these movies are all great, even that Japanese one by some director he wasn’t into. Blah blah blah. Ah, a UW film studies major. I couldn't even make up a more useless person for me to dislike.

The Descent
Spelunking ladies encounter subterranean monsters. 2 monkeys for ripping off the Gollum and involving painfully girly back stories.

The Spear of Longinus
Vampires + Japanese pop-stars in a militaristic mini-drama. It was seriously 35 minutes long. 1 monkey for getting me all excited about a movie and then ending it a quarter of the way into the story. In a side note, I got to say Longinus- like 6 times now. Longinus. Ha!

Dark Waters
Evil nuns guard a demon or something. .25 monkeys, since we got bored mid-way through and quit.

Event Horizon
Space marines attempt to rescue the crew of a mysterious ship. +4 monkeys for really engaging me in the first half of the movie. -2 monkeys for completely unraveling to a gory tedious mess. It’s like the writers wrote the first half and then completely forgot where they were going with it, but didn’t have time to screw around with it, so they just smashed together some effects scenes and said “taaaadaaaaa!”

The Eye
Hong Kong horror movie about possessed eye-balls which give the errr… wearer the ability to see ghosts. 4 monkeys.

High Tension
French slasher film. Two college friends return to rural France on holiday… slashing ensues. In a side note, I was totally able to predict the ubiquitous dirty French masturbation scene. 3.5 monkeys for the movie. 5 monkeys for my amazing prognostication skills.

In future film news, Pan’s Labyrinth is supposed to be out in Seattle on Friday the 19th. I am very excited to see it. You can watch the trailer here.

Cat Anus Conspiracy

See! Cat Butt Magnets.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Brown Butter Mizithra Dildos

Today when we returned home there were 4 guilty looking dogs, and torn up purple plastic bag everywhere. We couldn't figure out where they could have gotten purple plastic... until we found a large scrap, upon which was written Lover's Package. I read aloud "Lover's Package." Brad said, "Oh, that must have blown over the fence from The Old Spaghetti Factory. "

Now, I can either believe my uncle, or I can admit that my aunt and uncle have sex.

Those Italians are total perverts.

A bottle of red, a bottle of white, shut the hell up!

Today my uncle and I decided to take a little road trip down to Archie McFee's and while we were in Ballard we stopped for lunch. We were seated next to a woman and her two teenage daughters, the older of which kept smart eyeing me. They were very noisily bitching about this and that as they finished their pasta.

The waiter came over to ask them if they'd like dessert and she asked what the restaurant has. He recommended the tiramisu. At which point she said, "Tira-what-su, I never heard of it." He began to describe the tiramisu and as he got to the part with the lady-fingers she interrupted him as though he is the rude one and declared, "I don't know what lady fingers are. What else do you have?" He paused and then calmly told them the rest of their choices and she said she'll have the chocolate mousse. After like maybe 5 minutes she hailed the waiter and demanded to know where her dessert is because she had "been waiting 17 minutes, I've checked my watch THREE TIMES." At this point we'd just gotten our drinks.

The waiter apologized, surprised and rushed off to find something to shove in her yap. He brings the plate in and she says, "What is that? Some kind of pudding??!"At which point I leaped across the aisle and beat her to death with my salad plate.

After the coroner took her mangled corpse away we snagged her waiter to tell him that his customer was a totally crazy bitch. It turns out that they were his first table of the night and it was really comforting to completely mock them. Bitching about people behind their backs is AWESOME.

Friday, January 05, 2007

3 Work Related Things

1. You can't turn something in late and expect the results on time.

2. When you fill the Britta pitcher to its clean water chamber capacity, then continue to fill its filtering chamber to capacity, when your colleague attempts to pour themselves a nice mug of water, they will water their shoes. And the counter. And the paper cutter. And the floor. But your colleague will NOT get clean water in their mug.

3. I will never ever write my name on my Jell-O. NEVER. I'm not lazy, I just cannot understand why you need to know who is the owner of the Jell-O. I know it is my Jell-O. I'm guessing you know that you did not bring in Jell-O. So, no, nosey woman who needs a hobby, I am not planning on writing my name on my Jell-O.

Weird

My ex-boyfriend just invited me snowboarding this weekend. Should I be freaked out? I can't decide.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Pissing Contests Are Dangerous and Should Be Avoided

Steve and I were discussing state history and I assured him that I know more about the state of Kansas, than I do about my home state of Washington.

I challenged him to the Kansas state song. Home on the Range.

Which led Steve to assert that Washington State's Tree is the Douglas Fir. (It isn't, 'cause you're a loser, STEVE.)

Which led me to Wikipedia, which led to the Blueberry Muffin- The State Muffin. I shit you not.

Washington State symbols

The State song is "Washington My Home", the State bird is the American Goldfinch and the State fruit is the Apple. The State dance, adopted in 1979, is the Square Dance. The State Tree is the Western Hemlock. The State Flower is the Coast Rhododendron. The State Fish is the Steelhead Trout. The State Folk Song is "Roll On, Columbia, Roll On" by Woody Guthrie. The unofficial Rock Song is "Louie Louie" by the Kingsman. The State Grass is Bluebunch Wheatgrass. The State Insect is the Green Darner Dragonfly. The State Fossil is the Columbian Mammoth. The State Marine Mammal is the Orca Whale. The State Muffin is the blueberry muffin. The State Seal (featured in the state flag as well) was inspired by the unfinished portrait by Gilbert Stuart.

Several states of the United States have a state muffin:

* Minnesota — blueberry muffin (GET YOUR OWN DAMN MUFFIN! Bastards.)
* Massachusetts — corn muffin
* Hawaii — coconut muffin
* New York — apple muffin
* Washington — blueberry muffin
* California — Poppyseed muffin
* Texas — chocolate chip muffin
* New Jersey — cranberry muffin

Other State Symbol Categories:

List of U.S. state amphibians
List of U.S. state beverages
List of U.S. state birds
List of U.S. state butterflies
List of U.S. state colors
List of U.S. state dances
List of U.S. state dinosaurs
List of U.S. state fish
List of U.S. state flags
List of U.S. state flowers
List of U.S. state foods
List of U.S. state fossils
List of U.S. state fruit
List of U.S. state grasses
List of U.S. state insects
List of U.S. state license plates
List of U.S. state mammals
List of U.S. state minerals, rocks, stones and gemstones
List of U.S. state mottos
List of U.S. state nicknames
List of U.S. state poems
List of U.S. state reptiles
List of U.S. state route markers
List of U.S. state seals
List of U.S. state shells
List of U.S. state slogans
List of U.S. state soils
List of U.S. state songs
List of U.S. state sports
List of U.S. state tartans
List of U.S. state trees

At this point I think that we should rally around a new cause: Bacon, The Washington State Breakfast Meat.

While I'm at it:

Dwight Schrute's Blog.

And I LOVE beets. So there.

Barney's Blog

If you watch How I Met Your Mother (which you should, if you don't), or just have a raging crush on NPH (Neal Patrick Harris), or maybe even if you don't (though I'm not sure how that is possible) you should check out Barney's Blog.

Here is a sample from one entry last year:

TWENTY-FOUR WAYS IN WHICH WOMEN ARE LIKE FISH

1. Both attracted to shiny objects

2. More fun to catch while drinking

3. Neither travel well

4. There's others in the sea and/or bar

5. Three words: catch and release

6. Both travel in protective groups

7. Small bladders

8. The deeper you go, the scarier they get

9. Their weight largely determines their value

10. [EDITED: My lawyer has requested that I remove this one from the blog… hint: crabs!]

11. They get all ornery if you try to grab their tail

12. Bears will eat either of them

13. Sometimes I likes 'em wild, sometimes I likes 'em farm-raised

14. You must document great catches or no one will believe you -- video preferred

15. Easier to reel in if you let them wear themselves out first

16. Seen the movie Splash? Case closed

17. Cold blooded. Looking your way, Stacy.

18. Neither can operate a vehicle

19. They both eat things

20. The harder they shake their tail, the farther they'll go in life

21. Scales are important to each of them

22. They never have to buy drinks

23. Umm… Eggs? Duh

24. Can hook either with a great line

Murrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

My boss brought in a bunch of chocolate for meetings and such and for the last month I have been having a couple Cherry Cordial Kisses a day (just to get me through the post lunch lull). Today I reach into the bag and there are almost none left.
I mention to my boss that we've nearly cleaned the cupboard out of the Cherry Cordial Kisses and she said, "Oh, that's too bad. Those were limited edition."
Why, oh why do I always find out these things too late?
I guess I could blow 20 bucks and order some off of Amazon, but I'm a cheap bastard, so probably not.
Murrr of sadness.

crap you should know

Wakko's America, as sung by Wakko on Animaniacs (to the tune of Turkey in the Straw).

Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Indianapolis, Indiana,
and Columbus is the capital of Ohio
there's Montgomery, Alabama, south of Helena, Montana
then there's Denver, Colorado, under Boise, Idaho.

Texas has Austin, then we go north,
to Massachusetts, Boston, and Albany, New York
Tallahassee, Florida, and Washington, D.C.,
Santa Fe, New Mexico, and Nashville, Tennessee.

Elvis used to hang out there a lot, ya' know?

Trenton's in New Jersey north of Jefferson, Missouri
you've got Richmond in Virginia, South Dakota has Pierre
Harrisburg's in Pennsylvania and Augusta's up in Maine,
and here is Providence, Rhode Island, next to Dover, Delaware.

Concord, New Hampshire, just a quick jaunt,
to Montpelier, which is up in Vermont
Hartford's in Connecticut, so pretty in the fall,
and Kansas has Topeka, Minnesota has St. Paul.

Juneau's in Alaska and there's Lincoln in Nebraska,
and it's Raleigh out in North Carolina, and then
there's Madison, Wisconsin, and Olympia in Washington,
Phoenix, Arizona, and Lansing, Michigan.

Here's Honolulu, Hawaii's a joy,
Jackson, Mississippi, and Springfield, Illinois
South Carolina with Columbia down the way,
and Annapolis in Maryland on Chesapeake Bay.

They have wonderful clam chowder.

Cheyenne is in Wyomin' and perhaps you make your home in,
Salt Lake City out in Utah, where the buffalo roam
Atlanta's down in Georgia, and there's Bismarck, North Dakota
and you can live in Frankfort in your old Kentucky home.

Salem in Oregon, from there we join,
Little Rock in Arkansas, Iowa's got Des Moines
Sacramento, California, Oklahoma, and its city,
Charleston, West Virginia and Nevada, Carson City.

That's all the capitals there are.

Nifty Online Shoe Store

Free Shipping, Free Returns, Good Prices.
Check out Metro Shoe Warehouse.
I bought a pair of Dansko shoes for $99.
Now, that is what I call a good time.

Bush Administration Leaking Rats Like a Sinking Ship

First Rummy, now White House counsel (and withdrawn Supreme Court Justice Nominee) Harriet Miers. What do you suppose this all means? It looks bad at any rate.

Boston Globe Article.

Finally!

As promised, a hamster eating tiny adorable sushi.

People are Strange

So, did anyone else catch this Seattle PI article? Apparently someone went to see the plasticized corpses at the Bodies Exhibit and stole a kidney. And the authorities can't figure it out.

1. Who the hell is like, "Oh, a plasticized human kidney, how bomb. YOINK!"
2. How did they not anticipate this would happen and have cameras everywhere?

They list the value at $1,000. Creepy. I wonder how much a black-market kidney for transplant is worth.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

It's like Horton Hears a Who.

Recently I have been provoked to think about the things going on right under my nose; things that I rarely have noticed, and worse, almost never thought about. For example, I finally watched Transamerica and finished the first season of Oz. (Apparently I am on some sort of disturbing male frontal nudity kick.)

That being said, I want to very highly recommend these shows. They both feature segments of the population that are little considered and completely misunderstood. The under recognized aspects of our penal system ties together with weird ease to homelessness, the sex industry, and transgender 'disorders.'

In Oz you see the ugly elements of jail. This is not Prison Break. This show makes you really think about how our jails work. It isn't a show about innocence or guilt. It demonstrates the tragic nature of raising our poor to be criminals and then attempting to rehabilitate them by placing them in the most dangerous and debilitating environment conceivable. It is a nature show, a survival drama, a testament to the horrors and beauties (but mostly the horrors) of the human spirit.

Watching Transamerica and seeing the trials of homelessness, abuse, and transgender 'disorder' was incredibly revealing. It was a raw and sad film, but left you with hope, even in our screwed up world. And it was still funny.

Facing demons, fighting for existence, fighting to live with yourself, just striving for bare survival in a stark world- Transamerica and Oz can be a double feature.

I should mention that you should brace yourself for graphic sex, and in the case of Oz, extremely graphic violence.

And while I'm on this train of thought, today I went to a local community forum on school lunches. Having grown up facing poverty issues, it is extremely important to me that our public schools are feeding 2 healthy, nutritious, and filling meals a day to our children. For a lot of kids, these are the best and in some cases their only meals.

At the forum, I learned a lot about federal school lunches, from the history to modern legal issues. The federal school lunch program came about shortly after WWII when it was discovered that our troops were not nutritionally sound and the government had abundant American grown crops available.

Today there are strict dietary rules and tricky thinking behind our student lunches. For 2$ a day a student receives a stealthily healthy meal. Everything in our school lunches looks like fast food, but has never been fried. There are no transfats, everything is low fat, low sodium, and low sugar. It's broccoli in pizza-clothing.

I was amazed to find out the amount of work school districts are putting into feeding our youth. I would like to salute lunch ladies & gentlemen for their work to prevent childhood illness, promote future physical health, and increase student academic achievement.

Christmas Livestock Update!

The giant Swedish straw goat has survived this Christmas having been coated in flame-retardant chemicals survived attacks by Christmas-hating (or possibly goat-hating) arsonists. Having been destroyed more than half of the times it has been displayed; the giant Swedish straw Christmas goat is being hidden in a secret location until next year.

I would like it noted that in America we would have just made it out of metal and painted it beige.


Article.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Traffic Warnings for Seattle/Everett Metro Area Drivers

TRAFFIC ALERT!

In the coming months, some I-5 lanes and ramps will be closed for entire weekends at a time. Drivers can help by taking alternate routes, driving through Everett in the morning or at night or by using I-5 for only essential trips.

Here are the tentative dates we know about now and what you can expect:

January 5 – 8, 2007 (or alternate weekend in case of weather delays) Without driver help, backups could be as long as 3 hours and stretch 17 miles northbound.
10 p.m. on Friday, crews will close the northbound I-5 right lane from Broadway to Pacific Avenue. The lane will reopen by 5 a.m. Monday, January 8.
10 p.m. Friday, crews will close the 41st Street on-ramp to northbound I-5. The ramp will reopen by 5 a.m. Monday, January 8.
This work is weather dependant and could be shifted to the next available dry weekend.

February 16 - 19, 2007 (or alternate weekend in case of weather delays)
10 p.m. Friday, detour across Cascade View Bridge closes
10 p.m. Friday, 41st Street on-ramp to I-5 northbound closes
5 a.m. Monday morning:
1. 41st Street Bridge opens
2. 41st Street NB on ramp re-opens
3. Left turn onto 41st Street closes for 2 weeks (from the I-5 southbound 41st Street exit and the 41st Street loop ramp)

February 23 - 26 2007 (or alternate weekend in case of weather delays)
10 p.m. Friday, permanently close existing 41st Street loop ramp
5 a.m. Monday morning, open new I-5 northbound exit ramp to 41st Street

March 3 – 6, 2007 (or alternate weekend in case of weather delays)
10 p.m. Friday, close I-05 southbound 41st Street exit ramp to tie-in new southbound exit ramp.
5 a.m. Monday, open new I-5 southbound 41st Street exit ramp

June 21, 2007 (or alternate weekend in case of weather delays)
10 p.m. Friday, finalize work on southbound on ramp from 41st Street
5 a.m. Monday, open new single point urban interchange with 4 lanes operating. Remaining lanes will tie into City’s 41st Street widening project when it’s complete.

Tentative Schedule for Other Weekend Mainline and Ramp Closures

January – February 2007
Westbound US 2 ramp to southbound I-5 and the southbound right lane of I-5 from US 2 to Pacific Ave.
Ramp from northbound I-5 to eastbound US 2 and the right lane of I-5

March
On southbound I-5, the right lane in the vicinity of 41st St. and the exit ramp from southbound I-5 to 41st Street.

April
Exit ramp from southbound I-5 to Everett Ave/eastbound US 2 and the auxiliary lane.

May
On southbound I-5, the right lane and the on-ramp from Pacific Ave.
On northbound I-5, the right lane in the vicinity of Pacific Avenue and exit ramp from NB I-5 to Pacific Avenue

This is going to be an awesome year.

Trust me, I can just tell.

For example, I started my new year with cinamon rolls and bacon at Mae's and there was no wait. Seriously, at Mae's at 10 am. This is clearly a good omen.

Today I came into work and found 3 smurfs car-sets waiting on my desk. A good sign.

I tell you I've got the world on a string. Fan-tastic.