Monday, February 26, 2007
Some people in my Workplace seem to think that the rules do not apply to them. "No," said I to my boss, " I cannot go and ask colleague to change the date of Ridiculous Meeting for the third time. There is no X Resource available, it is against the rules, and this is the 3rd time we've asked her to change it."
Said boss, "Ok, I'll just go over her head."
"Ok," I grumbled, "whatever, rule breaker."
This situation brought to mind a quote from the movie Go. Said the drug dealer (disconbobulatingly named "Todd"): Wow, I didn't know we'd become such good friends, because if we had, you'd know that I give head before I give favors and I don't even give my best friends head so your chances of getting a favor are pretty fucking slim.
I know that there is a difference between trying to get a meeting moved and trying to get 20 hits of ecstasy, but I think you will all understand the relevancy of that particular quote.
My blog is so classy I should run the theme from Masterpiece Theater.
Which might I add is a HUGE part of my childhood memories. Alastair Cooke in his smoking jacket in the darkened library, next to a roaring fire. (And the Sesame Street version with Alistair Cookie.) That and the distinctive theme from Mystery!, the wonderful Gorey art, and the sound of Diana Rigg's amazing voice.
And I'm spent. Tonight I'm attending a superfantastic National Geographic Live! lecture, so I must hurry off now.
Notice the two "!'s" after these above names, ahhhh the excitement!
My uncle and I opted to watch Dead and Breakfast instead of the Oscars. This was a good decision as Dead and Breakfast rocked.
It was funny, musical, and different.
My favorite parts were the musical portions and the appearance of cute TV actors who I enjoy watching... and David Carradine.
If you liked Shuan of the Dead, you'll probably like Dead and Breakfast. It's an indie film, so the production values are lower, but it is definitely in the same spirit.
Check it out if you have time.
4 monkeys, almost 5 just for the musical number.
Oh and last weekend I caught Idiocracy and Versus. Idiocracy was a bit of a waste. It could have been good, but wasn't. 5 monkeys for the concept, 2 monkeys for the actual film.
Versus was a perplexing Japanese zombie movie. It made no sense to me and I speak Japanese, so please don't feel bad if it made no sense whatsoever to you. 1 monkey for not even finding some sexy Japanese heartthrobs to play the leads.
Friday, February 23, 2007
See mom, proof that they just don't make them like they used to. American men my age (Steve) would spill their grande non-fat chai tea lattes on their laps if a spider came within 20 feet. Then they would hop up and down, flapping their hands and say, "Oh my gosh, does anyone have a stain stick?!"
Canada's Supreme Court just struck down indefinite detention. Apparently they also were holding "terror suspects" without charges or trial.
That was real cute, Canada. Trying to make us look like the bad guys... "oooh I'm Canada, I am so liberated and high minded...
Thursday, February 22, 2007
This American Life is good and so is non-obnoxious morning radio, but having a cure to AIDS would be awesome in the literal and traditional sense and I really don't think you can compete with that.
Let me know when you start educating women in foreign countries on family planning and farming. I'm all over that stuff. In the mean time, quit emailing me everyday.
The same goes to you, Special Olympics and World Wildlife Fund. But not you, National Geographic, you are tasty tasty nerd-nip, you do whatever you like. RAWR.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
1. Hair. Big hair = sexy.
2. Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup.
3. Lipton Onion Soup Mix.
Last night I ran out of Lipton Onion Soup Mix and I don't have big hair to begin with. I guess that Seattle has run out the Okie in me.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Thank you for the advice nice church-going, bad-smelling-soap-giving coworker, but I don't think that crazy neighbor can be killed with kindness. I'm thinking more like a silver bullet, or a stake through the heart.
Had a job interview yesterday that went very very well, but I don't think that I will take it if it is offered. (Says Quiana, thinking she is quite hot-to-trot and getting ahead of herself -as usual.) The really obnoxiously adorable girl complimented me on my suit and I resisted the urge to say "damn straight," or "for what it costs, you'd better like it."
I have another interview today and I am concerned about paying to park downtown. Mainly because when I spoke with the woman on the phone she essentially told me that I offended her (I promise I didn't say anything about my undies. I didn't.) when I said that I didn't want to continue in my current job path for x, y, z reasons. However:
1. I had just said that I love my job.
2. She's the one that asked!!!
Anyway, I have some misgivings, but if she wants to pay me money then I guess I will buck up and head downtown so that I can sit in rush hour. Hurrah!
Given the general unavailability of both tapirs and pandas for pet purposes, I am pondering a hedgehog. These are somewhat challenging to get and are a bit pricey. But really what price is too high to pay for a pest that will probably bite me and spike me with his little suit of Quiana deterrent? Unconditional love is painful/may involve the procurement of meal worms.
Went out with Monica, her new guy "Gordy" (or so he likes to call himself), and some other folks to see The Paper Boys at Tractor Tavern Saturday. Good times were had by all... aside from running into really hot guy I went out with three times who just stopped calling. Who does that? After 3 dates, then you decide 'no dice.' He made googly eyes at me periodically, but you cannot fool me with a razor sharp jawline, curly blond hair, green eyes, and a nice tattoo. I'll stick with the rodents, at least you know that when they don't call it is because they lack thumbs.
Enough of this jibba-jabba, I'm off to be judged. yay.
What follows is a brief description of events:
We got to the door and knocked, and nothing happened. Knocked again... and nothing. So we pounded like angry monkeys: finally a faint "Just a minute" followed by a large serious of thunks and bumps. Then nothing.
Was she knocked cold by ninjas? Nope.
Finally after about five promises of immanent arrival the door slowly opens and her head, just her head, emerges. Hatless. Amazing, I have never seen her hatless. It was like being in elementary school and seeing your teacher at the grocery store.
The weirdness continued as she opened the door further and we were awash in a very very bad odor. Very bad. Additional weird: she was blocking her body from view with a garbage bag. I swear, an actual garbage bag with stuff in it.
Anyway, she just stared at me and said, "I was asleep." To which I replied "It's 7 o'clock."
After staring blankly for a moment she asked me what I wanted. I looked at Monica with my 'am I in the Twilight Zone' look. Then I said, gently, "You said to come by after work...."
"Oh yes," she cried, "blah blah blah... my toilet flooded everywhere and wouldn't flush... blah blah blah.... sewage on my carpet.... blah blah blah blah.... indistinct whiny noises.... blah blah ARE YOU MAD AT ME?"
"Mraow?!" I thought. "Uh..... no?" I said.
"'Cause you seem mad at me."
"Nope, not mad," I said edging towards the door to my apartment.
"Oh, well can we discuss this later?"
"Yea, whatever," I said unlocking my door and hustling Monica inside.
Here is the part where I am an asshole. I really wanted to tell her that we aren't friends. That I'm not mad at her because I couldn't possibly be motivated to give a shit about her. That I wouldn't give her a key to my apartment, ever; because she is a stranger and not a friend.
But I didn't say any of that. Not because I'm nice, just because I didn't want her to start some kind of paranoid war of vengeance against me.
Chouski and I caught Apocalypto at the Crest Friday and it was very good. I will warn you that it is more than a bit gory, but the gore is not out of proportion with the movie's story and themes. It was visually interesting, very well acted, well directed, and well written. The characters were very well developed. So I actually cared for the characters and actually felt the feelings Gibson was trying to evoke. The movie was sad, funny, and scary- there was a fair bit of covering my eyes and squeaking. The foreshadowing was a bit obvious, but I don't need to be surprised to enjoy a movie.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
E! Online is reporting a new Ben & Jerry's Flavor, Stephen Colbert Americone Dream, which will feature vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered pieces of waffle cone and a caramel swirl.
Says Colbert, "I'm not afraid to say it. Dessert has a well-known liberal agenda. What I hope to do with this ice cream is bring some balance back to the freezer case."
Colbert is the namesake of a number of interesting items (as reported in the article):
"Of course, Ben & Jerry's isn't the first organization to take a spin in the no-fact zone. Last year the San Francisco Zoo dubbed a bald eagle "Stephen Jr." in honor of the farcical Comedy Central pundit. The creature received national attention when Colbert scolded it for migrating to Canada.
Then, in October 2006, the Ontario Hockey League's Saginaw Spirit adopted Stephen Colbeagle the Eagle as its co-mascot. You can bet the Michigan team's win-loss record immediately improved. "
The profits from the Stephen Colbert Americone Dream will go to various charities. Said Colbert, “I will save the world.”
According to the fine news source, E! Online, the ice cream is being billed as "the sweet taste of liberty in your mouth."
I know, it's just TOO easy.
Now suicide squirrels are stowing away on airplanes. I can only guess that they are:
a. Chewing through the wires to crash the plane OR land it in a secret squirrel location for nefarious purposes (nut trafficking?).
b. Planning to spread the threat of rabies by infecting international travelers, who will in turn spread the menace, zombie style.c. Looking for sandwiches.
AP is reporting that a Tokyo-Dallas flight with 202 passengers was diverted to Honolulu when pilots heard something "skittering" above their heads.
Said a spokesman for American Airlines, "You do not want a varmint [sic] up in the wiring areas and what-have-you [sic] on an airplane. You don't want anything up there." Really? So like vermin + electrical wiring on an intercontinental flight = bad?
Shortly after his capture, the authorities summarily killed the furry detainee.
I really believe that people should treat these threats with the utmost seriousness, but did the squirrel have to die for its crimes? Didn't the squirrel- likely an American squirrel- deserve a fair and speedy trial with a jury of his peers (raccoons? badgers? hedgehogs? chipmunks?)? Or perhaps time in Guantanamo?
You know, perhaps our hegemonic anti- rodent/mustelid regime is at the root of this threat. Perhaps we should have some sort of inter-species peace conference.
I'm just tired of always looking over my shoulder.
Here is a transcript:
I do not have a working bathroom. It is due to plumbing problems.
I'm so sorry to bother you however, I need a terribly bothersome favor.
Simply put: I need to use your bathroom today. I will bring over my own t.p. some cleaner + towel + soap and leave clean & tidy. What else can one do?
I cannot speak to the manager until 10 or 11 am. The have no free apartments in the building.
The rest I cut off as it included her name, phone number, and apt. #.
However, I didn't even find this note until 11:30am due to a sudden and inexplicable breathing inability that I developed last night. The result of this is that I slept in my office chair- the sleep of someone who pounded far more than the recommended dose of NyQuil- till 11am.
You may remember crazy neighbor from my previous posts. And when she told me to guard my virtue, and that she wasn't the vomiter, and that people were breaking into her apartment to steal small items of no monetary value, simply to fuck with her.
So yea, I did not call her, because, uhm, she's completely crazy.
Then that afternoon my phone rang and it was her. She explained that her toilet is fixed but very very filthy. And could I please come by her apartment tonight when I get off work?
So I think that the only solution to this problem is to sleep in my car until my lease runs out.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
I received some articles and the following suggestion:
"Did you mean: do rats need to live in Paris?"
Why, yes, yes I did. Sadly Google had very little to tell me in response to the titillating question.
In college I worked in the kitchens for a while and they used a brand of cling-wrap called Purity Wrap. This was hilarious at a women's college. Well, hilarious to me, as a boyfriended person.
After my frustrated blog-outburst this morning, I have since gotten a few more promising job calls and feel moderately better. Waffles and bacon. That's how I feel now.
Is there any word you can Google and not get anime images? Try waffle, raccoon, and oh say, bacon. I dare you.
Today a Japanese friend of mine who now lives in New York made some comment about American consumerist society, at which point I choked on my drink. From a denizen of the land of Prada bathroom slippers. The land where 'to go to Starbucks' has its own verb (Sutaabaru). Yea, she can blow me.
I have yet another interview scheduled this week. With another head hunter.
Now I understand that using these people is a great way to get exposure or whatever, but I am tired of interviewing and then sitting around waiting for something to happen.
I am starting to get tired of dressing myself up and talking myself up.
UP UP UP!
Looking for another job is like working a very tedious part time job, in which you are judged. It's like dating snotty people and meeting their parents every day.
I'm sorry, none of this is funny or informative. I really prefer my blog to be funny or informative.
As funny as I have, thus far today, today when the woman called to schedule my job interview she received flowers in the middle and was all cute and excited. Let this inform you men that you should send flowers on Valentine's day.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
I have had 32 oz. of water today. Question: is that too much? Cause I've been peeing like crazy.
Last night my grandma called me and was asking me deep questions, and then when I would answer she would say 'what?' in this dazed manner, and why would my beloved Gram Cracker ignore me? Because she was watching the Westminster Dog Show. Poodle vs. first grandchild. Poodle wins in spite of ridiculous hair cut and testicle licking.
In other thoughts, Anna Nicole Smith spent more time with male reproductive organs than Steve. My opinion on A.N. Smith's whoreishness: stick with what works. I enjoy modern American cultural icons. With giant tits.
Wow, and that was just about it for me. I guess I'm spent from repeatedly mentioning reproductive organs.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Ok, Steve, (who seems to be largely afraid of all live stock) this is when you should fear cows: when their internal organs are about to burst through your windshield.
So I have been a bit busy at work lately and a bit busy at home trying to achieve new work, so hence the slowing bloggery.
-Still in the application process. I have now been rejected six times. Oh, when will the judging end? My interviews friday went well and I am up for a second on both.
-Bought a suit. I own a beautiful Calvin Klein suit... $300 later. OUCH.
-As it turns out I am a size (or two) smaller up top than on the bottom so I had to buy my suit pieces separately- So in addition to being poor, it is perhaps not out of line to also call me freakishly misshapen.
-Bought two new tankinis. Ralph Lauren tankinis. OUCH in both a monetary sense and in a 'for a freakishly misshapen popper, you look pretty nice in swimwear- provided that you strategically place fabric.' Or perhaps I should summarize as bow-chicka-bow-wow.
-I bought my first lawn gnome Saturday (for a friend. seriously). This was akin to my waffle-maker pursuit in that after a very drawn out search I found an acceptable gnome, but the gnome of my dreams was nowhere to be found. Said a lawn jockey purveyor, "It isn't really gnome season." Thought I, "Is that akin to duck season?"
-I bought a waffle iron for $8.99 at Fred Meyer. Square, traditional, with a heat setting knob. Yes, apparently I will find it at Freddy's. Also, I just wrote knob.
-Over the weekend I got to hang out with a lot of my favorite people. That was good. Favorite people: I think you're swell. I'm so glad to have so many awesome friends, especially what with my being mean and judgemental etc. I love you, suckers!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Additionally, Gargoyle Toes, who will (if you don't feign illness or run away) regale you with the Tales of Cassiopeia, The Cat Who Refuses to Die, has downloaded one of those programs with a kitty that chases your cursor and just generally loafs around your monitor. I noticed it licking it's paw earlier, I wonder, does it lick its own anus? Her real cat, which may be called Calliope, Cantaloupe, or Cassidy has been on dialysis and drugs for four years. This cat is receiving better health care than the people of Indonesia.
In other work news, there is a veritable shit-storm of interest in yours truly. And yes by shit-storm I do mean I have 2 interviews this week. Wish me luck. Hopefully, I will not be tempted to use the phrase "shit-storm" in any of them. You may add this to the list of interview no-nos; I believe if fits right above telling your interviewer that you don't believe in underwear, and below explaining how you learned to make napalm on the internet.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Today the fine fellows at Andy's notified me that to fix my alternator would be about $500. To do the rest of my scheduled maintenance would cost me an arm, a leg, my firstborn child, a barn of straw spun to gold, my entire comic book collection, one ovary, and a muffin. Ok, fine, about $1200.
This makes me sad, as I had already mapped out how much further ahead I would be at the end of this month. Now I can calculate how much further behind I will be.
I might add that I have now paid more in repairs etc. on this vehicle than it was purchased for and that the vehicle is worth less than $1200.
Oh well, I am not at the bottom; and not at the bottom is good enough for me.
In happier news my foot is hurting much less and I have made it to the second round of interviews in a very promising job. Perhaps things are looking up.
Monday, February 05, 2007
Now, I don't know where you all grew up, but where I grew up you didn't get something for nothing. If Americans really want to save Social Security, they can start providing proper medical care and meals for the poor when they are kids rather than letting them develop life long health problems.
Additionally, the "tax hike!" is actually the repeal of a bunch of tax cuts that Bush made for people earning over 200,000$ a year. If you can afford veneers on your teeth, you can pay what you used to pay in taxes to help pay for some kid's appendectomy or chemo. Also, if you have a problem with this you can buy me a new handbag before going straight to hell.
John Edwards, if you need someone to follow you around and fan you with palm fronds and feed you peeled grapes, my resume is on monster.com.
I would also like to say that I balled up and took the shot like a man, which is to say that while I did not kick the doctor I did make petrified little squeaking noises while I covered my eyes.
My doctor told me I should be fine (pain-wise) for a few hours until the anaesthetic wore off, at which point I would experience "The Flare." "The Flare" is when your hurty foot now hurts like the proverbial bitch. T
his is why there was no blogage on Friday. I have a lovely bruise on the bottom of my tootsie now, so I am not sure whether the pain is still the fasciitis or if it is the large gauge needle that was jabbed repeatedly into my foot. I know that my foot pain related news is keeping you all on the edges of your seats, so I'll update you later.
In further (craptastic) news the SUC-mobile decided to uhm, not be mobile and is sitting at home right now probably watching The View and eating cookie dough out of the freezer.
Luckily my auto-shop said they could fit in some QT with The SUCker and hopefully I can return to damaging the environment, no less than twice daily.
Thanks to Monica for loaning me her far swankier car. Although enjoying the heated seats was lovely, you never notice how terrifying driving on the freeway is until your are driving somebody else's much much nicer vehicle. This definitely includes the moment I had with the beautiful 68 Mustang that roared up on me in the second right most lane, causing me to nearly soil myself. Said I to the enchanting vehicle, "I would never drive you like that, baby." At which point Blackstreet's "Good Lovin'" began to play in the background. Sadly the driver stole away into the fog leaving a 68 Mustang shaped cloud of smoke behind it.
In other mundane news, I saw Joyeux Noel (Merry Christmas) last night and found it to be cute and satisfying. The story of the impromptu cease-fires and shared Christmas celebrations across the trenches in WWI was a hair sacrine, but did show how interconnected Europe is and was and how soldiers are encouraged to hate an enemy that they would probably like if they didn't meet at gun point. 3.5-4 well-behaved monkeys out of 5.
I also finished up CSI (6) which was interesting, but not engrossing (though season 6 is better than others) and Entourage (2) which was spectacular as usual (and also stars that guy from The Devil Wears Prada who I am too lazy to look up - Adrian something?- who is super-hot).
In this season of Entourage there was even a San Diego Comi-Con episode, which was an awesome cross-over between three things I like: 1. Comics. 2. Graphic HBO shows. 3. Men with whom I would like to have sloppy make-outs.
In other apropos of nothing thoughts, if I recall correctly Kevin Connolly (the manager from Entourage) was in The Notebook. This is not particularly significant other than the fact that The Notebook was an abomination and Entourage is one of my favorite shows. I'm sure the Notebook related significance for Kevin Connolly had something to do with food and the putting of it in his mouth.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Now, people always mock me for my whole 'I don't believe in global warming, and if it exists, as near as I can tell we are fucked; so, oh well' way of thinking. But seriously, can you blame me when to date the very strongest wording (by leaps and bounds) that any actual scientific body can give me is "very likely?"
Now that America has decided to give up on Iraq ("Sorry about invading your country and creating a power vacuum and shit, but we uhm... have left a cake in the oven....") it seems we need a new crusade. A crusade brought to stupid America's Next Top Model watching America by Al Gore. Al Gore who couldn't beat George Bush, even taking over from Clinton and in an excellent economy. (The only two other guys less qualified to be president than George Bush: Barack Obama & Winnie the Pooh. And only because Winnie the Pooh is a Canadian. Maybe Obama and Edwards should run together: 'Obama/Edwards: We've Never Done Anything, So We've Never Done Anything Wrong.' Or maybe 'Obama/Edwards: Vote Sexy.' Or 'Obama/Edwards: We're Bringing Sexy Back' )
A team of the most brilliant minds in the world sets out to save the planet from annihilation, led by Al Gore. If that doesn't sound like a teaser for a Venture Brothers episode, well, you must not watch enough Venture Brothers.
At any rate, I want to get my grubby mitts on that report, as I am still incredulous that we really have data to support this, and data to support that changing our ways would do any good at all. If I get my data, I will happily get rid of my Taurus and buy a hybrid or whatever.
Go Team Venture!!
Oh and while I'm on the topic of hippies, today on NPR I heard a mention that some senator is trying to get labels on currently non-existent clone produced food products (meat, dairy, etc.). Fuck funding labels, I would actually like some scientific studies to show me whether or not cloned foods are safe to eat-- before they hit the market. I assume that they are fine, but rather than labeling things unnecessarily, I would rather have research.
Oh, and while I'm at it, genetically engineered foods: tested by lots of smarty-pants scientists; so, moron protesters don't bug me at Safeway. You bug me, I cut off your fake white-boy dreadlocks. You get it?