Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Crazy Neighbor Update: Still Crazy

In our last amazing episode, our heroine was planning an escape. Granted I did not get far, but I strongly believed that cowering in Monica's apartment was a viable solution for the time being. Eventually Monica got home and we suited up to confront the crazy neighbor.

What follows is a brief description of events:
We got to the door and knocked, and nothing happened. Knocked again... and nothing. So we pounded like angry monkeys: finally a faint "Just a minute" followed by a large serious of thunks and bumps. Then nothing.

Was she knocked cold by ninjas? Nope.

Finally after about five promises of immanent arrival the door slowly opens and her head, just her head, emerges. Hatless. Amazing, I have never seen her hatless. It was like being in elementary school and seeing your teacher at the grocery store.

The weirdness continued as she opened the door further and we were awash in a very very bad odor. Very bad. Additional weird: she was blocking her body from view with a garbage bag. I swear, an actual garbage bag with stuff in it.

Anyway, she just stared at me and said, "I was asleep." To which I replied "It's 7 o'clock."

After staring blankly for a moment she asked me what I wanted. I looked at Monica with my 'am I in the Twilight Zone' look. Then I said, gently, "You said to come by after work...."
"Oh yes," she cried, "blah blah blah... my toilet flooded everywhere and wouldn't flush... blah blah blah.... sewage on my carpet.... blah blah blah blah.... indistinct whiny noises.... blah blah ARE YOU MAD AT ME?"
"Mraow?!" I thought. "Uh..... no?" I said.
"'Cause you seem mad at me."
"Nope, not mad," I said edging towards the door to my apartment.
"Oh, well can we discuss this later?"
"Yea, whatever," I said unlocking my door and hustling Monica inside.

Here is the part where I am an asshole. I really wanted to tell her that we aren't friends. That I'm not mad at her because I couldn't possibly be motivated to give a shit about her. That I wouldn't give her a key to my apartment, ever; because she is a stranger and not a friend.
But I didn't say any of that. Not because I'm nice, just because I didn't want her to start some kind of paranoid war of vengeance against me.

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