Thursday, February 15, 2007

Nature's War Against Humans Reaches All-Time High

Radical Terrorist Squirrel, Nutty al-Squirrely, attempting escape from his detention cell prior to his execution.

Now suicide squirrels are stowing away on airplanes. I can only guess that they are:

a. Chewing through the wires to crash the plane OR land it in a secret squirrel location for nefarious purposes (nut trafficking?).

b. Planning to spread the threat of rabies by infecting international travelers, who will in turn spread the menace, zombie style.

c. Looking for sandwiches.

AP is reporting that a Tokyo-Dallas flight with 202 passengers was diverted to Honolulu when pilots heard something "skittering" above their heads.

Said a spokesman for American Airlines, "You do not want a varmint [sic] up in the wiring areas and what-have-you [sic] on an airplane. You don't want anything up there." Really? So like vermin + electrical wiring on an intercontinental flight = bad?

Shortly after his capture, the authorities summarily killed the furry detainee.

I really believe that people should treat these threats with the utmost seriousness, but did the squirrel have to die for its crimes? Didn't the squirrel- likely an American squirrel- deserve a fair and speedy trial with a jury of his peers (raccoons? badgers? hedgehogs? chipmunks?)? Or perhaps time in Guantanamo?

You know, perhaps our hegemonic anti- rodent/mustelid regime is at the root of this threat. Perhaps we should have some sort of inter-species peace conference.

I'm just tired of always looking over my shoulder.

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