Funny things for boring people.

Hey, that video totally reminds me of that one time Drew tried to pick up a chick and she told him that she'd cut him. Hahahahahaha that was hilarious, right Drew? What, no?

Well, what about the time Drew text messaged Steve to ask about the relative seriousness of anal bleeding? Surely, that was hilarious!

B is for Beer, that's good enough for me.

Not the most disturbing thing on Japanese TV, and yet....

Pandas are bastards.

World's only human bred panda in wild dies.


Xiang Xiang was found dead in February on snow-covered ground after apparently being mauled by wild male pandas protecting their territory, the official Xinhua news agency said.


Pandas never seem to be in the mood, so what do they care if a new panda shows up?
It's like carrying a box of Twinkies around and bitch slapping anyone who asks for one. It's not like anyone actually eats Twinkies, right?
Right?

News of the Day

USA: "Go to hell, Earth."
The US rejects (another) plan to reduce global pollution. Why? Because we can. And also because we are assholes.

2nd Amendment Fucks Wendy's Manager.
US resistance to gun control results in (condiment related) gun violence.

Japan Still Giving it to Chinese Civilians After All These Years.
64 year old bullet removed from a Chinese woman's head.

Weekend Update

Sorry about the lack of blogness yesterday, I was busy.
The long weekend went quite well. Friday I went with my cousins Sean and Melanie to see Pirates 3. It was pretty much as expected. It was surprisingly visually interesting, not just effect-wise. I just have a hard time with Orlando Bloom/his character in pirates and could not help but laugh when appeared on screen as a pirate badass. I was not alone.

Saturday, I helped Ron and Czabrina move into their lovely new condo. And that evening I attended Addy's birthday party. I stuffed myself silly on home-made pizza and other yummy snacks.

Sunday, I went to see the newly built Seattle Art Museum with my Auntie and Uncle. SAM was really nice. It's almost as though Seattle is a real city. I did notice that everyone there was in their Seattle uniforms, fleece zip-ups from North Face or REI with jeans and comfortable shoes. Some things can't be changed. I kind of like the Seattle mentality of always being ready to hit the trail. After that we had a family Pounce (head to head solitaire) competition.

Monday, the family went on a hike to Heather Lake (pictures to be posted if I feel like it). It was a great hike and the snowy lake was a nice payoff for the muddy trek.

A five monkey Memorial Day Weekend.

Catty Parting Shots

From the end of the NY Times review of Pirates 3.

“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End” is rated PG-13 (Parents strongly cautioned). It has scary battles, scary monsters and even scarier rock musicians.

I was going to disagree, but on the NY Times website I took the following screen capture:

If that wasn't intentional I'll eat my fictitious hat.

Viva Holiday Weekend

I hope you all have exciting plans for your weekend. I have an action packed weekend replete with pirates, birthdays, hiking, and a trip to the new Seattle Art Museum.

I will of course carry on my Saturday tradition of Bacon and Cartoons. (For those of you who are slow, this is when I wake up early on Saturdays and make a full breakfast while I watch cartoons.)

It may not surprise you to know that I have this weird thing about one cartoon in particular. This cartoon is Viva Pinata. On this show, there are these pinatas on this island who do mating dances and eat candy. There are all kinds of colorful food-themed animals and (for the most part) they strive to eat enough candy to be sent to a children's party where they are beaten and then sent back. Some of them don't like to go to parties and be hit by sticks (see the creature on the far right with the enormous butt - which is called a 'fudge-hog') thus there are high jinks. There is also a bad guy who is human and wears a Mexican wrestling outfit and graduation hat who tries to steal their candy.

Viva Pinata comes on at 8:30 and 9:30 (right before Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fast Forward) and I am compelled to watch it. But I hate it. It is weird and grotesque and often a little too adult for its intended audience.

I can't stop watching it though. It is utterly inexplicable.

More Thoughts on Arachnid Voyeurism

I suddenly realized today that spiders have like 8 eyes and I have 2 breasts, which means that spiders think that I have 16 breasts.
Good times.
Really good times.

I will not steal content, I will not steal content. I will not steal content....

Ok, maybe just a little...

Bacon is patient, bacon is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Bacon does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Bacon never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

Check out Six Degrees of Bacon. You will love it.

Just another teaser:

Movies!

The Alien Saga

This was a very interesting documentary about the Alien movie franchise. I particularly enjoyed the portion where everyone connected to the Alien films mentioned what a terrible idea Alien vs. Predator would be for a film. Sorry guys!

4 monkeys.

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Seducing Dr. Lewis

A French-Canadian film about a small former fishing village luring a doctor to their town by any means necessary.

Quite cute. 3 monkeys.

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Letters From Iwo Jima

The stories of Japanese soldiers who unsuccessfully defended the island of Iwo Jima. Now, I will occasionally comment that something made me misty. This movie made me cry. Flat out cry. It was ten times better than Flags of Our Fathers. It was beautifully scored, well acted, and incredibly moving.

5 monkeys.

Painfully Adorable

I have taken to watching the most lame channel on the planet: Animal Planet. And apparently every week they show an animal-centric movie.

Last week's was Stuart Little. I started to watch this against my will and was so mesmerized that I could not manage to change the channel.

This was the most ridiculously cute thing I have ever seen in my life.

I'm not much for family friendly film, but I highly recommend watching this.

God, even the above picture is vommitously cute.

Five adorable monkeys.

Best Week Ever Salutes Men About Which I Would Say: "Hubba Hubba"

Addendum

Original List



Don't I have anything better to do than post lists of hot nerds?
Not really.

Terminators Everywhere!

So there will be a T4, and I was having some mixed feelings about this. According to rumor it will show John battling the robots after the intitial takeover (which we witnessed in T3).

Additionally, they are developing a TV series about Sarah Connor's fight to protect John in his childhood. MahaQuiana who knows all, predicts that this will blow. That being said, I will probably still watch it, because as you all know, I am a complete idiot.

Interestingly, IMDB is floating a rumor that Eddie Furlong may come back in the role of John in T4. Yup, I can totally see it....

Photo courtesy of d. prince.

Tom Selleck Party!

I am a big Tom Selleck fan and a big mystery fan, so I'm pretty excited for the made for TV movie, Jesse Stone: Sea Change, which airs on CBS tonight. I guess there have been several Jesse Stone movies, but I have not been able to catch one yet. Tonight is the night!

So, anyone who wants to come over and have a Tom Selleck party at my house tonight, come on over!

Chicken Fried Bacon

Courtesy of Jim...


Totally safe for work. Very unsafe for your heart.

In my country, a lab-partnership is a sacred trust.

This weekend I almost caught my apartment on fire with my pants.
This is much more exciting sounding than it is actually exciting; however, I think that when the words pants and fire are involved, there is explaining to be done.
There I was dusting my apartment Saturday evening as I brushed past a dresser, upon which was a lit oil warmer and a few lit candles, a knob (I just wrote knob!!) caught in one of those irritatingly stylish holes with which jeans are festooned these days. The jeans tore both horizontally and vertically as I scrambled to both grab candles and keep the dresser upright.

In terms of fire related injuries, this is not my most humiliating. In junior high I was lab-partnered with a gentleman named Brandon. Brandon was generally incompetent, but this didn’t matter as I was only interested in my perfectly formed side-swept bangs. Well, it didn’t matter until one day when Brandon left our lab-station seeking me for help lighting our Bunson burner. Irritated, I stormed back to our station and I said, “You just squeeze the sparker,” and with that I struck the sparker and an enormous ball of flame erupted from my hand. Brandon had left the gas on for several minutes as he tried to light the burner with his inarticulate man-boy paws. My perfectly sculpted bangs and parts of my arm hair and eyebrows went up in a poof of foul smelling smoke which combined with the odors of our burning notebooks and textbooks tripping the fire alarm. Our young teacher ran forth with a fire blanket and as she saved us all from baking to death in our cinderblock building I touched the crinkled remains of my hair and it fell like dead leaves.

Action News Atlanta just didn't get it.

Family's Punching Bag Holds Smelly Surprise: Man Says Bag Filled With Underwear
The short of this article is that a family ordered a punching bag and found, much to their surpirse that it was filled entirely with underwear, mostly dirty. "(There were) bras, thongs and bathing suits. We could not believe there were clothes inside instead of sand,"

In Japan this punching bag would be worth like three trillion yen.

Amusing exerpt:
The representative told him that the underwear in the bag was a "quality problem" that they were dealing with, and that the people who had made the decision to put underwear in the bags had been fired.

But why?! Why, Action News Atlanta???!! Why would they use dirty undies instead of sand!? Where does one buy enough dirty undies to fill multiple punching bags, the dirty underwear depot??!

I'm just so dissappointed in you, Action News Atlanta. Way to drop the ball.

Thoughts which pop into my stupid brain.

List of Nude Appropriate places:
Bed
Shower
Hospital
Bath House
Massage Parlor
Oval Office

The Escape is a cross-dressing Taurus.
Last night I heard an add for the Ford Escape, billed as: mileage of a sedan, fun of an SUV. What they actually mean is giant plastic SUV shell on a granny sedan chassis.

David Bowie's Manga Package
An embarrassing fact about me is that I read Tough Pigs, a muppet fan site. A more embarrassing fact is that I read yesterday that there is a Labyrinth sequel manga in existence and all I could think about is David Bowie's Manga Package. Now remember David Bowie's package in the film, then imagine it manga-ized. From now on all of my package related speculation/conversation will be comparisons to David Bowie's Manga Package.

I tried for a long time (ok, two minutes, till I got bored) to find a picture of David Bowie's Manga Package. Alas nothing. Then I looked for a picture of David Bowie's Package from the original Labyrinth and couldn't find anything good.

So here is the best picture of David Bowie's Original Labyrinth Package.

Are you looking at me?

This morning as I steeped from the curb in front of my house I heard a strange noise.
taptaptap
I looked behind me and there on my neighbor’s roof was a crow pecking at the metal flashing on their roof. I watched him for a minute as I walked and then began pondering something else.
There was a whoosh a few inches from my head as the crow swept past landing on the house to my right.
Man, that crow almost hit me, I thought unsuspectingly.
Then it swooped past me the other direction, actually touching my hair.
Oh shit, I thought as I started to run towards my car.
I got around the corner and half a block up and slowed to a walk. I was just thinking about how weird it is for a crow to attack you from across the street when I felt it beat past me again.
"Ahhhhh! Fuck! Go away!" I squeaked, running the rest of the way and diving into my car.

That crow better not be waiting for me when I get back or I'm gonna... move.
Now, what does one do about an aggressive crow? I live across the street from one of the most popular parks in Seattle; this cannot be good.

Quiana is super-boring.

Above you will find Cthulhu Seagull.

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Some thoughts:

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I hate nice summery days because that means there will be no parking in my neighborhood. Thanks, stupid lake!

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I would like a Dr. Who cookie jar. I have been thinking about this a lot. A LOT. This is precisely why I need a bigger kitchen.

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I think when I move I want acutal decor. Like a real grown lady person, who just happens to own a Dr. Who cookie jar.

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I have a shower curtain which has a map of the world printed on it. What I need is a shower curtain with little flaps over the names of the countries so I can quiz myself. We can call it Potty Quiz. Hey everyone come to Quiana's, it's Potty Quiz Night! Hooray!

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I'm thinking of going to the Tri-Cities for Memorial Day weekend. Someone should talk me out of this.

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Ants have invaded my kitchen (via messy neighbor's kitchen) and cannot be gotten rid of. They are just wandering aimlessly across my floor. There is no food for them so they just do a few laps and wander off, but I am not down with things with more than four legs. This can be expressed with the following formula: >4 legs= inarticulate shoe flailing.

So tonight I will buy Raid and use toxic chemicals to obliterate their Alzheimer's-esque wanderings.

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I have a very important final interview at my Ballardian Fantasy potential workplace tomorrow. You should hope I don't say something weird, like nipples. On a non-nipular note, I only have one suit and have now interviewed there approximately 3 billion times, do you think that it is noticeable?

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Sorry about all the re-posting and forced spacing. Blogger is all jacked up again.

Remember how I always say I will post pictures later...

Hey! It's later!
Here are a few pictures from my trip to the beach last month...

Geocaching

Geocaching in the swamp with my cousin and uncle.

My uncle Brad geocaching when Sean and I get a bit bored.

Getting really bored geocaching and becoming a bad influence on Sean.

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Damn, it does feel good to be a gangster.

Looking for beach glass.

My auntie and uncle being adorable.

Still living the gangster lifestyle.

Spiders are total perverts.

Spiders just hang out in the shower. Are there more flies in the shower than the kitchen? Unlikely.
I think that the obvious conclusion is that spiders like to watch you bathe.
There you are all naked and wet, blinded by shampoo, and out of the corner of your eye you’ll catch that creepy crawly movement. So you search about you, but all you have is a million puffy sponges and a shampoo bottle. So you beat the spider to death with your shampoo. And then you're stuck. You can’t set the bottle back down without getting spider guts all over and there’s absolutely no way you’re washing it off in the shower and getting spider juice all over in the water swirling around your toes.
Disaster.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned that I am a bad person. I am stealing my cable. Bear with me if you already know this, but when I moved in a couple of years ago I called to get cable. Here is a fake transcript of my conversation:

Idiot: Hello my name is Joe, what can I ineptly do for you today?
Me: Well, my good man, I am in the market to pay $50 to watch the Colbert Report and a host of shows that can be found on network television for free.
Idiot: Well, you are in luck! We would be happy to rip you off and if you don’t want to deal with us you can not have cable because Comcast has a monopoly.
Me: Oh good, so what are your specials?
Idiot: $30 bucks a month.
Me: For how long?
Idiot: 3 months.
Me: Then what?
Idiot: It goes up.
Me: To what?
Idiot: $50.
Me: I assume there are fees and taxes.
Idiot: Yes.
Me: What are they?
Idiot: Well, there is the hook up fee for $30.
Me: Well, today is my lucky day, because my cable was never turned off.
Idiot: The fee is required.
Me: Are you telling me that you are gonna send some dude out here and he’s gonna what? Turn around three times and drive home? For this you’re going to charge me $30?
Idiot: I guess nobody actually will go if it’s on, but the fee is mandatory.
Me: Hey, it’s too bad you don’t have my address.
Click.
So that is my flimsy excuse for stealing basic cable.

Yesterday instead of hitting channel 6 on my remote, I accidentally hit 66. Well lucky me again, because some dumb-ass somehow upped my cable through channel 70.
Bite me, Comcast.

Welcome to the conspiracy, Grandma?

Many months ago my grandmother asked if I was still writing. I told her that I was informally writing a blog.

I told her this because I’m a complete idiot.

Of course she then wanted to read it, so I gave her the address and a disclaimer that I don’t pull punches on my blog and that she might not like everything there. And then she never mentioned it again.

Phone conversation last night:
Grammy: I finally read your blog.
Me: *Silence* (Sudden thought: Shit, did I use the phrase “I would totally hit that?” in my blog recently?) (Answer: yes, yes I did.)
Grammy: I didn’t know that you secretly watched Ugly Betty.
Me: Oh ha ha. Yea, it’s growing on me.

Great, now I’m creepy rash girl.

So I started actually using this service called mybloglog, which I signed up for ages ago and then completely forgot about. I find it fascinating. I can track where people are coming from and going to on my site and how many people visited that day.
Many people came from other people’s blogs with whom I am friendly. So I was surprised to notice the following google searches produced links to my blog:
"allergic reaction" gardasil
"square rash"

People of the internet, I am sorry that you have a rash that could be shingles (which is bad enough) or possibly a disgusting STD and you wanted to seek anonymous help and all you got a review of TMNT.

A kinder gentler Quiana

Antiquated language I would like to use:
I would like to return to calling people "turkeys."
Example: "You're a bunch of turkeys" instead of "you're a bunch of useless fuck-ups."

This is perfectly in line with my new driving methodology (stay right and set my cruise control to 63.) This is designed to make me more relaxed. If being late all the time and being relaxed are the same, then yes, this has been completely effective.

Other gentler elements of my life include tiptoeing through tulips and having teddy bear picnics. True story.

Do not wake me

I am in the midst of a lovely dream.
Imagine me in my Seattle uniform (sneaks, jeans, zip front micro-fleece) on a bike with a basket and a bell (ding!) riding to and from work. Or the farmer's market, my basket brimming with fresh vegis and a baguette.
I call this my Ballardian fantasy.
If you would have told me in college that I would be working my ass off to get a job in the non-profit sector, in Ballard, so I could ride my bike to the independent grocery store to buy granola, I would kick your hippie ass. Then I'd pound a G&T.

In dream related news, last night I dreamt that myself and my nonexistent siblings were kidnapped. And the bad people made me eat at a buffet- which is not OK. And then I hit my kidnappers with a frying pan to escape. Let this be a lesson for those who might intend to make me eat at a buffet.

In buffet related news, last night I was asked to be a bridesmaid for the 6th time. I have a been a groomswoman once as well. I think the important thing to remember is that I hate weddings and I hate you.

Good Riddance

I'm terribly excited that Paris Hilton will go to jail. I know she will probably be in there for approximately 30 seconds, but I want the justice system to be equal and, in spite of her family's protests, I guarantee that a broke ass black dude would be eating some jail time too. Plus this may be a good stupidity-deterrent for other useless bitches.
If she wanted to come out of this looking like a kitten she would just admit that she did it and take the time with dignity. Of course she won't and I think I can look forward to enjoying a lengthy and amusing car wreck.
Hooray!

They were too lazy to make a good movie...

so I am too lazy to upload a picture from it.
[Imagine picture here.]
Spiderman wasn't horrible, it was just not good. Tobey Maguire is capable of looking about 50% less evil than a puffy white kitten. Sandman was simply a convoluted unresolved throw away character. Kirsten Dunst sang twice. There were pelvic thrusts.
The only parts I liked were the ones with James Franco in them.
So, there.
2 monkeys for being a disappointment.

Steaming hot mug of frothy... frog.

Frog juice in high demand in Peru
Amusing excerpt:
Gonzalez adds three ladles of hot, white bean broth, two generous spoonfuls of honey, raw aloe vera plant and several tablespoons of maca — an Andean root also believed to boost stamina and sex drive — into a household blender.
Then she drops the frog in.

This strongly reminds of the film Gremlins, wherein the gentle house-wife grabs a snarling Gremlin and smashes it into the blender.

Does liquefied frog actually count as "juice"?

Call me crazy, but...

Is anyone else just a tiny bit curious about this sword collection? What if this guy has some really cool swords?

It's a shame I won't ever get to see them. I couldn't ever ask and if he approached me I would tell him that I have a boyfriend. But maybe there is something to see there.

I've been pondering this. All these people I live so close to are all going about varied and interesting lives. They collect things and play in bands and volunteer and play sports. They all have some thing that they are good at or intrigued by. So many people living unique and vibrant lives all clustered together divided by less than two feet of wood and plaster. Never really knowing each other.

All I catch are the snippets of conversation and the view through my window. I feel like it's a mystery to learn who they are by connecting little clues. It's also a bit like watching TV-- even the shape of the window is like a screen.

It reminds me of that movie, Rear Window.

Well hopefully not exactly. Although there is that sword issue.

Pigs in the news!

70-Year-Old Ham Back on Display in N.C.
Entertaining Excerpt:
The Mecca Restaurant put the rock-hard country ham in its window Tuesday with a sign saying the 25-pound slab of meat would be displayed for only one day, "for security reasons." It was the ham's first appearance in a dozen years.

Is K-Fed behind mysterious bee disappearances?
In short, yes.
Fake Entertaining Excerpt:
The slime, which is expelled by K-Fed in order to locomote, is known to cause many other things, including pandas, manatees, and the careers pop stars to evaporate into thin air. His mating calls have been known to cause bleeding from the ears and the sudden urge to place one's head under the tires of moving vehicles.

Kids Tuned to 'Handy Manny' Get Porn
Entertaining Excerpt:
[Handy Manny,] the popular cartoon, which is about a bilingual handyman, Manny Garcia, and his talking tools.
Oh... I think I've seen that one. Hold on, is that description for the porn or the cartoon?
Entertaining Excerpt from Porn Handy Manny:
"Hola senoritas! Let me show you Jose, my jack hammer. No problema you can touch. Mui bien!"

All for Naught

I am SO tempted to write 'all for naught-y' instead, but lately my idea of naughty involves labeling all of my archived posts to jack up my rss feed. (HA! Lazy rss users, take that!)

If you recall I was busy moping over my crazy neighbor, needing to move, needing a new job, and other trepidations.

Well, apparently the cops came by last Friday to speak with Crazy Neighbor and she promptly gave notice. She is moving out this month. Hoooooray!!

Additionally, the interview that I felt went very badly didn't go so badly after all and while they are not having me back for a second interview for that job they are having me back for a second interview for a perfectly good related position. So I'm mostly not a complete failure! Hooray!

So with two worries out of the way I can resume not-moping. I guess I am the kind of person who needs a certain number of elements in life to be ok. Once too many areas of my life are in the air or worse yet, sucking, I get uhm... wilty.

In honor of this momentous occasion I offer you Happy Bacon Cat!

Idiocracy: The Ghost of Christmas Future.

Today I attended an educational forum about legislative changes in the area of education. Of course WASL was the big thing. So the quick skinny on this issue is that the state is now demanding that you be able to master English, math, and science at a 10th grade level to graduate. The WASL tests what the state believes you should know in 10th grade. It is not multiple choice.

Because parents are desperate for their kids to graduate they have strong-armed their politicians into giving students alternatives to the test and in fact allowing them to walk with a fake diploma, the Certificate of Academic Completion.

A few thoughts:
1. We are not helping kids by catering to their "learning styles." I don't want to be an asshole; but, a college professor or boss isn't going to say, "Oh, you aren't good at tests? Well don't worry about this mandatory exam or licensing test." Or, "Oh you aren't a visual learner, hop in my lap and I will just read these chapters to you." Even in society there are tests; can you imagine the Department of Licensing just saying, "Well Bobby, you can't drive an actual car with out hitting stuff, but I see that you are bomb at Mario Kart, so here you go."
2. I would like everyone's diploma to be equal. I would like all students and all schools held to the same standard, regardless of income and race. And I would like to think that everyone would like their children to actually perform at the 10th grade level. Giving a poor kid a meaningless diploma and a fat scholarship does not help him if he can't read.
3. Graduating unqualified students is dumbing down colleges. Just check out all the remedial math and English courses at state universities.
4. Graduating unqualified students is dumbing down the work force. These days to get a job interview you are required to take specialized tests. Why is this? Because a diploma, college or high school, does not mean that you know how to do anything.
5. If your kid can't perform at the 10th grade level, they aren't ready for college. At today's meeting one concerned mother was worried about what getting a Certificate of Showing up and Breathing would do to her son's chances of getting into college. All I could think was, "Lady, your son shouldn't be allowed to drive past a college without a tenth grade education."

Uhm... so there.

I could never kill a tree. Could I use a kitten instead?

The Energy Tree is a prospective invention which basically monitors your energy use and punishes an innocent tree for your excesses.

Perhaps a bacon dispenser would improve my day.

I'm too busy moping to blog and blogging my mopes just results in cheerful email from concerned persons.

Instead I will post an amusing (to me) picture.

So, here it is: The Bacon Dispenser.