I can’t remember if I have mentioned that I am a bad person. I am stealing my cable. Bear with me if you already know this, but when I moved in a couple of years ago I called to get cable. Here is a fake transcript of my conversation:
Idiot: Hello my name is Joe, what can I ineptly do for you today?
Me: Well, my good man, I am in the market to pay $50 to watch the Colbert Report and a host of shows that can be found on network television for free.
Idiot: Well, you are in luck! We would be happy to rip you off and if you don’t want to deal with us you can not have cable because Comcast has a monopoly.
Me: Oh good, so what are your specials?
Idiot: $30 bucks a month.
Me: For how long?
Idiot: 3 months.
Me: Then what?
Idiot: It goes up.
Me: To what?
Me: I assume there are fees and taxes.
Me: What are they?
Idiot: Well, there is the hook up fee for $30.
Me: Well, today is my lucky day, because my cable was never turned off.
Idiot: The fee is required.
Me: Are you telling me that you are gonna send some dude out here and he’s gonna what? Turn around three times and drive home? For this you’re going to charge me $30?
Idiot: I guess nobody actually will go if it’s on, but the fee is mandatory.
Me: Hey, it’s too bad you don’t have my address.
So that is my flimsy excuse for stealing basic cable.
Yesterday instead of hitting channel 6 on my remote, I accidentally hit 66. Well lucky me again, because some dumb-ass somehow upped my cable through channel 70.
Bite me, Comcast.