Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Eh. Whatever.

Sometimes we don't have all the right number candles to put on birthday cakes... so sometimes you have to read an equation.

As you can see below, the large '1' and '5' are actually 15. You will note the small '2,' small to denote a subtraction. So 15-2= 13.

Happy 13th birthday, Sean. Now that you're old and all, quit picking bundt cakes for your birthday, Dweeb.

Happy Halloween!

Watch out for Nature and its lurking!

My big Halloween plans involve leaving a small bowl of Canadian candy outside my door with a sign that says, "Please don't be an asshole." Kidding. I'm not leaving jack!

Instead Steve and I will be on the prowl for cool Dia de los Muertos decorations and such for his birthday party Friday.

Question: Is Steve the coolest person ever?

Answer: Not quite.

Clarification: The coolest person ever who looks like a muppet?

Answer. Sure.

Chi-Chi's of Terror

Here is a very short but interesting blog about abandoned Chi-Chi's Restaurants.

I have no idea why this fascinates me, but it does.

It may be that I like to say Chi-Chi's. It is my favorite restaurant named for euphemisms for breasts.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

"Domesticated," my ass

Cows attack dog walker in field

"Mr Poole said he managed to escape when his Golden Retriever, called Zak, fled, distracting the cows."

'Man's best friend'? More like 'Man's Jerky College Roommate!'

In case of Nature attack my best friend would jump into the fray and risk life and limb, not run away like a total coward, right Steve?!


Darn it.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Nifty Building

I am quite fascinated with the bizarre things that people do to attract business to buildings. Things like the stuffed elephant corpse on Aurora or giant food models on rooftops (I'm thinking Top Pot Donuts) are very interesting to me.

Rachel and Brandon took a picture of a ridiculous storage building that (as predicted) I think is fabulous- in its own way.

I suppose having a distinctive front on your storage building would be the next advantage to location. Or perhaps I am just the sort of person they will try to attract with gimmicky store fronts and shiny things. Hooray shiny things!

Friday, October 26, 2007

New Idea for a Band Name:

Rumpus Room of Iniquity

Saw: Dr. Phil Meets Fear Factor

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Torture: Why the Saw movies are perfect for middle managers.

"For many, the most unbearable movie moment of 2005 was a woman's eye being plucked out in Eli Roth's Hostel. For me it was watching one of the New Kids on the Block and the star of Decoys 2: Alien Seduction debate the meaning of life in Saw II."

Interesting article if you are into- or not into- horror movies or specifically the Saw franchise.

SUC's Helpful Hints: Zombies in Plain English

Don't be caught with your pants down (*snicker*) during a zombie attack! Watch this informational guide to surviving an attack of the undead.

Thanks to Paul, finder of ridiculous internet ridiculousness.

Thought of the Day: Seattle Freeze?

Have any of you heard of the Seattle Freeze?
Apparently newcomers to Seattle are happy to find that we are polite, but notice that we are distant and hard to get to know.

I've moved here twice, and not noticed any chill. Perhaps that is a product of my general feeling blindness? Or my outgoing personality? If I want to hang out with someone I just ask, rather than wait to be asked, so that is probably a difference.

It has been asserted that it is our pioneer outpost mentality. Which I guess I can kind of see. The business of pioneering is in my family, so that does make sense. My some increment of greats aunt Kit came to Willamette Valley via the Oregon trail, soon my family even went further north to Fairbanks Alaska- can't get too much more pioneer-like than that.

Anyway, I'm starting to digress mildly, but where was going was that I took a class in college on the history of The West (you know... here) and in it we took a brief quiz and using our answers our professor guessed who was from The West and who wasn't.

One question was, "About a mile after the last exit leaving town your car breaks down, you have no cell phone, what do you do?" Two of us answered "Walk back to the last exit and get help." Everyone else answered on some variation on wait for help." The other person who answered hike back to a gas station was from California.

I've come up with a few reasons why Westies would walk:
1. We're dressed for it- especially in Seattle.
[Digression: Last night I was shopping at Ann Taylor with my friend Czabrina and she was looking at this kind of poncho-like sweater thing- you know the jackets with no sleeves- and it was very pretty, but I think I would look so dumb surrounded by women in trendy sneakers, NorthFace zip-front windproof jackets, and jeans.]

2. The next exit could be distant/how many people are realistically likely to pass?
It could be a while before anyone shows up to rescue you.

3. We aren't scared of the outdoors.
Westerners seem more interested in wilderness sports- we do have more actual wilderness, so we've spent more time out there.

What I'm wondering is: is the4th reason the pioneering spirit. That 'get up and do it yourself' attitude mixed with a little 'mind your own business' pioneer gruffness?
What do you think?

Honestly, I'd rather live somewhere polite and 'frosty' than somewhere rude and... uhm, whatever the opposite of distant and freeze-y is. Coming here from Philly, I am just happy that when you put on your turn signal people let you in, instead of speeding up.

More on Gonzales

I know that you're probably tired of Alberto Gonzales talk. But I'm not so...

What Lies Beneath: Alberto Gonzales' legal troubles may just be beginning.

Gonzales is likely to face criminal charges- not for stealing our rights and aborting justice, but for lying about it.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Pushing Daisies

My other new show pick is Pushing Daisies. It actually makes me sad to think that anyone isn't watching this show. Watch this show!!

It is whimsical and funny, surprising and unique. The artistic design from costumes to sets, is amazing. I am not used to seeing something this well put together on network television.

Pushing Daisies is about a man who can bring things back to life by touching it, the rub is that if he touches it again, it will die forever. The other trick is that he can't cheat death; if he doesn't touch the living creature twice, some other creature (of equal value) will die. He makes a living making delicious pies and solving crimes. Pie and crimes! Delicious.

[Holy crap, my computer is playing another brick in the wall again today. It sounds like I'm going through that Floyd/Zep phase all boys go through.]

Where was I? Oh yea, pimping Pushing Daisies. If you liked Wonderfals you will *love* Pushing Daisies. [Speaking of which, did I loan you my Wonderfalls DVD set? If so, return it to me so I can loan it to someone else.]

Just give it a shot.

The Lovely Bones, the Movie? has a post up about Ryan Gosling being let go from a movie for either getting too fat or artistic differences... hmmmm I wonder which....

Anyway, I couldn't care less if Ryan Gosling is chubby, but I was most shocked that the movie was the film adaptation of The Lovely Bones. This was hands down the most well reviewed book that I have ever hated which wasn't written by Maria Dhavana Headley.

The Lovely Bones was an emotionally manipulative little book about a girl who is raped and murdered and watches her family cope while learning to deal with her attack and subsequent death from a sub-area of heaven specifically for this purpose. I believe I hated it because it was boring, trite, ultimately pointless, and did not fulfill the potential of the story. Too slow to be a thriller, not mysterious enough to be a mystery, not clever enough to be a crime novel, but just right it you liked to watch Touched by an Angel, Cold Case Files, or Pretty Woman.


More about Japanese inventions designed to avoid (important and needed) conflict:
Cell Phone Message Warns Train Gropers
The application flashes increasingly threatening messages in bold print on the phone's screen to show to the offender: "Excuse me, did you just grope me?""Groping is a crime," and finally, "Shall we head to the police?"

Pardon me, but is that your hand on my thigh? Squeeze twice for yes, once for no.

Train Gropers or Chikan are actually a HUGE problem in Japan. Of course my solution to this issue was to yell, "Everyone please look at the pervert!" or to figure out who it was and grab them with my long dagger-like finger nails and whisper menacingly, "Touch me again and you won't get that hand back."

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Nerd Crossings

Today I read on Wil Wheaton's blog (see link over yon ---> 'my hero') that he has been cast to portray 'Miles Sklar' on Numb3rs. Is it too nerdy to stay home on a Friday night to watch Wil Wheaton appear on a TV show where a math professor who solves crime? Or is it just nerdy enough?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Finally some news you can use.

How To Fight Monkeys
(There is an ex-boyfriend joke in there somewhere... I just need to find it.)
An instructional guide on how to protect yourself from the attacks of Nature's Favorite Poo Throwing Henchmen via Slate.

A Quiana created summary of the advice:

Advice the first:
"If you are holding a snack, throw it in their direction, and they'll stop bothering you."
This will also work with angry Quianas.

Advice the second:
"To diffuse the situation, don't make eye contact or smile with your teeth showing—in the nonhuman primate world, these are almost always signs of aggression."
This can also be true in the human dating world.

Advice the third:
"Form an "O" with your mouth, lean toward them with your body and head, and raise your eyebrows. "
This will also work in the human world.

Advice the fourth:
"Female victims might seek protection in a group of men, since monkeys are somewhat afraid of males."
Possibly because they leave the toilet seat up. Even monkeys don't like chilly surprises in the middle of the night.

Monday, October 22, 2007

No shame here!

If you are not watching America’s Most Smartest Model you are missing out on the best thing on TV.

Example- The models were playing a trivia contest in which if you got a question right you got a rice cake, but if you got it wrong you got a piece of chocolate cake. The look of horror on the faces of the contestants as Ben Stein read the nutrition facts aloud was the best thing ever in the entire universe. You couldn’t pay me to eat a rice cake and the chocolate cake looked mighty tasty.

I compel you to watch America’s Most Smartest Model! The way the people interact is fascinating and bonus: they cry when you make them eat cake! Delicious cake!!! It’s crazy!

Oh Japan. Oh J.K. Rowling. Oh dear.

Here is an article about people using soda-machine camouflage to hide from imaginary would-be attackers. More pics here.

Somewhere in my brain are some well thought out paragraphs about what it means for a culture to be so terrified of conflict that ninja-like camouflage could possibly be needed in a country with virtually no street crime.

In other news of the unnecessary, J.K. Rowling attempts to give her hastily written and poorly conceived book series greater depth. This blogger says too little too late.

Dumbledore gay? Dumble who?

Look Rowling, you could have bravely put better character development into the latter half of the Harry Potter series, but you didn't. I'm still unhappy with you and the elaborate paper weights on my book shelf. Do not insinuate yourself so deeply in popular culture and write early books so compelling that I am forced to read War & Peace sized abominations for years. I think I hate you. Just a little.

Animal Noooz

First off, this is a baby beaver. Insert crude humor ___here___.

In other news:
Man puts puppy in pants and slips off
Exactly what it sounds like....

And in Nature Fear Mongering News:
Flaming squirrel ignites car in Bayonne
"The squirrel chewed through the wire, was set on fire, fell down directly to where the car was," Tony Millar said. "The squirrel, on fire, slid into the engine compartment and blew up the car."
Amusing Excerpt:
"The Millars' home is decorated for Halloween, complete with a tiny plastic tombstone on their front lawn. Tony Millar said the family will consider dedicating the tombstone to the squirrel, who was not named."

Friday, October 19, 2007

America's Poor: Totally Screwed

Living paycheck to paycheck gets harder
An interesting article about people who are living hand to mouth.

I guess what I'm getting out of this article is that the rich get richer, and the poor skip lunch. Like some cute modern version of how when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

I am a little worried, not for myself- I've been in much more impoverished circumstances, but about America's so called global-dominance crashing down around our ankles, hobbling the poor. I worry about women on their own with kids and no diploma to prop them up. The elderly with no children who can help them. Migrant workers with no laws to protect them.

Things that make me irrationally angry

1. Applebees

As mediocre as Friday's but less iconic!

2. Loud sneezers

It is like they are trying to impress you.

3. Junk mail from charities

Please give us money! Here are some mailing labels. You can put them in the drawer with the 3 million other mailing labels.

4. People who carve their pumpkins in the first week of August and leave them out to rot before Halloween

Hey kids, wanna see something spooky? Mickey Mouse's face is melting off!

5. Re-explainers

You see, first you breathe in, then out. First in then out. Make sure to breathe in and *then* out. Do you understand?? In then out. Get it? Let me put it a different way.

6: People who say questions with no intent of hearing an answer?

You know what I mean? You know what I'm say'n?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Small Thoughts for Small People i.e. Me.

I recently noticed my ex is going bald. Teehee.

Today I indulged in an elaborate fantasy that involved yelling at one of the attendees of my software training and him bursting into tears. His tears were delicious.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


On Monday evening I drove over to my uncle's house to make robot team plans do something cool and when I arrived there was a murder of hundreds of crows perched around the house. In the street, in the yard, in the trees, in neighbor’s property, there were a LOT of crows; a screeching sharp-beaked blanket of filthy black feathers. Someone had tipped them off. I suspect my phone is tapped.

Naturally I pulled my car over far up the street content to bide my time and make a plan to get into the house.

I considered and discarded plans involving honking my horn, doing donuts in lawns, and calling the house to let the dogs out. I decided to pull into the driveway in order to force the crows to tip their hand. Some of the crows flew to the trees, but a few stubborn crows continued to wait for me in the lawn, sharpening their beaks and mocking me with their throaty caws.

Suddenly, no doubt using some sneaky secret crow signal they took to the air, perhaps to pester some small child or to feast from an open dumpster. I waited until the coast had cleared and skittered into the house, slamming the door shut behind me.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Quiana SMASH! Quiana ANGRY!

Two articles have me perturbed:

The Pill's Price on Campus: A jump in the cost of birth control puts students in a quandary
What? We want our girls knocked up in the middle of higher ed? I can't wait to see the awesome statistics that come out of this garbage new regulation.
I wonder what the price difference is between the $42 that the pill will now cost for college students and the deep discounts at Planned Parenthood. I'm sure that some of these girls are still covered by their parents' medical, but I wonder how many really want to tell their parents that they need birth control pills. I think most parents know what their kids are up to, but don't want to actually acknowledge it.

'Babylon Fields'—CBS’ Buried Zombie Necrophilia Pilot Unearthed
The viewers should get the option to enjoy their necrophilia/zombie crime dramas. Everyone compose a brief note regarding this issue and send it to CBS post-haste. This is different and different is good!
Down with boring! Up with zombies!

Monday, October 15, 2007

Great Grandma: older than dirt, mean

My GG just celebrated her 95th birthday this weekend with great familial fanfare and only once calling me fat.

Kidding. She called me fat 2 weeks ago. Saturday she just called me Monique. *Shrug*

Anyway, I'm back and I'm gonna blog more since I am mostly recovered and work is slowing down (a bit).

Let me know if you have any requests!

I assume that a picture of a bat climbing the stairs (in order to give you The Rabies) is a given.

Sometimes people like taking things out of context, I assume for the purposes of being jerks.

Michelle Collins of BWE should be my new best friend (sorry Steve).
Her awesome blog-post showing our kismet-esque blogging:
Never Gonna Give You Up, Rick Astley!

End of Original Post.

I was recently linked on a website which basically picked this post out of, I would guess dozens (probably more), of similarly titled posts and (in my view) accused me of being a homophobe.

The blog said that Rick Rolling is homophobic (I disagree) and because I did not like the traffic I was getting I changed the title of this entry. I did leave it up because naming your blog title as the line from Family Guy (as an enchanting circular reference to a show that is only based on references- zing!) is not a crime. I think it is hard to say that I am bashing Rick Astley for being gay- particularly when he is not gay and even more difficult to assert if you actually read the post, only to find that it is a link to someone else's post about her unabashed adoration of Rick Astley. It is probably an even weaker assertion if one looks to the bottom of the post to see that it is labeled under the category of "men with whom I would like to make sweet sweet love."

The internet is a forum for free speech and unfortunately some of that freedom includes the right to be a dick.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Sorry SUCkers!

I am both sick and swamped at work. I spend most of my evening hibernating, Yogi-style.

But let me tell you a little story about unprofessional behavior. I totally cried at work yesterday. I had x-million things to do and my boss asked me to do one last completely useless thing and I said, "Ok. No problem," then I hung up the phone and burst into tears.

It was awesome.

Anyway, all is well, but crying at work is not how I like to roll... it just doesn't seem very gangsta.

Here is a quickie link dump for you.

Boy, 6, Tries to Drive to Applebees
Why, of all places Applebees? I guess he just loves there dusty sport memorabilia and potato boats.
I HATE Applebees, I have no idea why anyone would want to go there.

FBI Checks Bomb Report, Finds Pumpkin
An FBI spokeswoman in Seattle, Robbie Burroughs, says four agents went to Casper's office.... He spent an hour with the agents showing them a pumpkin and another squash similar in size to pieces of the Hiroshima bomb. Burroughs says the agents left satisfied it wasn't dangerous.
I assume he means the pumpkins. Your tax dollars at work kids.

Jimmy Carter: U.S. Tortures Prisoners

Nothing funny here. An interesting read though.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

This is all your fault, nose!

No, I’m not dead. But I am recovering from the bubonic plague, zombie plague, sinus infection.

Don’t worry, you haven’t missed anything, just some nose blowing and several episodes of The View. (I seriously hate that Hasselbeck chick. Here, let’s get the most pretentious opinion ever from an upper class white chick. Seriously, yesterday she tried to weigh in on how to stop abortions by giving every baby a 5,000$ grant towards college and I almost went down there to rip her face off. Yea blondie, all that is standing in the way of teen mothers is five grand towards their baby’s college career. What a moron. No wonder Rosie snapped.)

Anyway, I will attempt to blog from the parents house in Canada. This Monday is Canadian Thanksgiving so I plan to relocate from my couch to my mom's couch for the weekend. There shall be turkey, stuffing, pumpkin cake, fancy Canadian over the counter cold medicine, and Tim Hortons donuts and delicious toffee coffee. Oh and my parents. I guess they're cool too.