Monday, June 13, 2005

The Tibetan Death Plane

Updated 7/27/05*
The Tibetan Death Plane is a concept that I came up with in college (specifically, the day I found out that John Travolta is a licensed pilot). The basic idea is that I pick out all of the celebrities that I hate and place them on a plane bound for the scenic mountains of Tibet. Unfortunately for my least favorite celebrities, the plane is literally going to smash into a scenic mountain in Tibet. I figure that this plan has three prongs (like a seafood fork).

Prong 1. Pick doomed celebrities and organize seating positions. Order of death is important.

Prong 2. Buy plane, fuel, etc. and find way to sabotage it. Bad emergency instructions?
(Please stow your carry-on bags precariously in the open over head bins or in front of the doors labeled Emergency Exit. In case of loss of pressure, please avoid the scary looking plastic bags that may drop from the ceiling. They are completely filled with poisonous snakes. In case of water landing, your movie headphones can be used as a flotation device. Please be sure to remember not to buckle your safety belts as they will ruin your designer frocks; we will leave a reminder light on for the duration of the flight. Thank you for flying TDA.)

Prong 3. Come up with and execute (badum cha) fancy/elaborate ruse to persuade celebrities to board the plane. Feaux charity perhaps? No, not Save Tibet, that's already been done. Maybe Grace Tibet with Your Razor Sharp Cheek Bones? I'll give it some thought.

So we're really only at Prong 1. I've actually been stalled here a while. You see first I was in college, so I was just mostly drunk. Then I had to straighten up and fly right- i.e. write my thesis. Then I was kinda working on some other evil plots which also didn't come to fruition plus I am in my mid/early twenties so I'm still mostly drunk. But, anyway, here's the list as it stands. I'll be updating fairly regularly.

Pilot: John Travolta- Because he has a pilot license (stupid).
On the lap of Pilot so as to be assured of first death: Angelina Jolie- she is a annoying media hound who thinks it's ok to have sex with a sibling as long as you don't produce children.
Co-Pilot: Unassigned

Passenger Roster
Paris Hilton- that's hot.
Avril Lavine- things are about to get a lot less complicated
Ryan Seacrest
Emeril Lagasse- noise he makes when he hits that mountain. "Bam!"
Michael Bolton- no talent ass-clown.
John Bolton- "The time has come," the Walrus said,"To talk of many things:Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--Of cabbages--and kings--And why the sea is boiling hot--And whether pigs have wings."
Scott Adams - Dilbert artist.
Bill Keane- Artist of Family Circus (waiting to suck)
J-Lo- shouldna sang, now she'll sing with the fishes
George Lucas
Nick Cage
Rush Limbaugh
Dennis Kucinich
Pam Anderson
Tommy Lee Jones
Dr. Phil
Tom Green
Carrot Top
Celine Dion
John Tesh
Whitney Houstan
Michael Jackson
Michael Moore
Rush Limbaugh
Toby Keith
Rick Santorum
Brittany Spears
Kate Winslet
Kevin Federline

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