Thursday, June 02, 2005

No, seriously, stop accusing me of having sex with your Yanni-loving boyfriend.

So I got home last night and, lacking the will to cook, went next door and banged on the door. My next-door neighbor, let's call him Suzie, (he has a girl's name, don't blame me-- it's his parents fault) is really pretty cool and I had hoped he was available for dinner.

To be quite honest, and let's be honest with each other, darling, I would spend a lot more time with Suzie, if I wasn't terrified of his girlfriend, let's call her Karl (she has a boy's name so it's still not my fault). Karl is a pretty awesome chick and if it wasn't for her insanely paranoid jealousy/self-esteem problem she would be totally fun to hang with. Unfortunately, she comes between my friendship with Suzie and he comes between my friendship with Karl. Needless to say this makes social occasions a tad bit awkward. You know all about awkward, you know, it's like this one time when a mutual friend of Karl and yours truly invited my roommate and me to a bar where she introduced me as Suzie's other girlfriend. (Seriously I was over at Suzie's talking music and playing x-box. Not even sexy strip-x-box. And only a few times, and usually with at least one of his boys there.) Anyway, my roommate, who we'll call Veruca (hey, she made up her own first name, so clearly she can't be too attached to the real one), and I laughed nervously.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Then Karl said to me, "Stop having sex with my boyfriend." Everyone in the crowd laughed as I said, "I'll stop when he stops being so darn sexy." And then Karl said, "I mean it, stop having sex with my boyfriend." We all laughed and looked around at each other nervously. I joked that I couldn't possibly touch Suzie, he listens to Yanni. There was a bit more laughter and I guess I played it off ok. She repeated this enchanting performance throughout the evening and then at the end of the night invited Veruca and me to dinner. Being that there is no polite way to turn down dinner, even if it involves antifreeze coladas, we agreed. The dinner party was strained, but I survived.

Anywho, after that I pretty much stopped hanging out with Suzie and we started keeping our door locked. A while ago I realized that just because Karl is deranged and jealous, doesn't mean that I shouldn't hang out over there, especially since Suzie just modded his x-box. Additionally, if she can't control her weirdness and they break up, maybe they are both better off. (As long as she doesn't kill us both and spend life in jail. That would pretty much suck.) So when I did start hanging out with Suzie again I responded to his question about my noted absence by telling him that Karl's jealous behavior freaked me out.

Which brings us back around to banging on Suzie's door at dinnertime. Suzie finally came to the door and happily agreed to go to Thai at the spiffy joint across the street. We ordered the food and had wonderful conversation as usual. Suzie took the bill, which is fine, and I told him that it was my turn next time; thus proving the event to not be a date-- in case Karl was secretly filming the event. We got back to the apartment and we were chatting about whatever when Suzie decided to share a brief anecdote. Suzie told me his perspective of our initial meeting. Veruca and I were returning from our monthly Arby's pilgrimage when we spied two people carrying boxes into the elevator. We hurried to catch up with them knowing that we had neighbors moving in that day. In our characteristically wacky way we scurried up to them and said, "Hi! Are you guys moving into 602?" The man looked at us quizzically and replied, "I am." We introduced ourselves and told him to pop on over anytime and that we would be leaving a dinner invite on his door 'super-soon.' Apparently, while we were prattling on he was thinking, "hmmmm, I live next to two extremely friendly and outgoing girls, who also happen to be pretty cute. Poor Karl."

This of course freaks me out because apparently Suzie is aware of his girlfriend's little problem, and doesn't care? Worse yet, aids and abets this behavior. Yipes. Furthermore, you are not allowed to buy a girl dinner, tell her how sad you are that she's moving because she's just so darn cool, and then tell her she's cute when you have a scary over-jealous girlfriend who could have bugged the room and could decide to snipe me on the way to Jamba Juice.

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