This morning my cell phone rang with an unavailable number. Naturally, as a government worker, I opted to pick up the personal call. It was a caller from John Kerry's office (presumably a volunteer). After listening to various smacking noises and squawking of the WORST Jersey accent I have EVER heard (I went to college in Philadelphia mind you), I finally grasped that this call was an attempt to raise money for Kerry's new child health care legislation by cataloguing how pitiful these children are and how this is my "civic duty." Through her gum smacking (yes, she was chewing gum) she asked me if I wanted to donate a penny for every 10,000 uninsured (sad pitiful violin music background-- pictures of sad cancer patients with beat up teddy bears) children in America. I immediately said "what's that come out to? $200?" Oh don't worry kids, only $110.
I asked if there was a website or literature I could get a hold of where I could read the actual text of the legislation as it stands now. She implied that there wasn't. I told her that I would not donate a cent to this unless I could read the text. She admitted that she could mail me something, and wouldn't I like a $25 donation voucher with it? I told her no, I explained that I'm sure that where to send donations is one of the key bullet items in the literature. I also felt like mentioning that chewing gum while soliciting donations was bad practice and that I already gave John Kerry money and got zero returns... but I refrained.
I love the idea of kids having insurance. I was a poor kid who didn't have medical or dental insurance. I had a tumor in my arm for YEARS until I grew up, got a job and had it removed on my insurance-- and I almost died in surgery and even now can't really depend on my left arm to successfully hold important things like martinis. So I am the last person who would stand against this legislation- provided that it can be transparently funded, doesn't have anything scary attached to it, and that it will actually fulfill its purpose. I have no interest in donating money to Kerry so that he can strut around looking smug. (Ooooh look at me, I have three purple hearts AND I love children. A lot. But not too much.)
Recently I received two email messages from John Kerry. (Ironically I get an equal number of John Kerry junk mail to penis growth junkmail at my hotmail account. In spite of my not having a penis to EN:LARGE, I can't decide which is more useless.) The first was titled "their arrogance, our patience" and the second was titled "messing up." I didn't read either of them because I have enough bitter vitriol without hearing rabid anti-republican raving.
This is yet another episode in a string of: I seriously can't believe that I wanted this guy to be president. I don't particularly feel like having a tirade on what's happened to the democrats, or why Kerry lost, or anything that energetic today; but for crying out loud. I feel like Kerry's attempt to stay fresh in people's minds and achieve more brownie points in preparation for another shot at the presidency is completely masturbatory and embarrassing.
And as you all know I am the last person to use the word masturbation in a negative sense.