No, really. My fellow Americans, how can we be friends with the people who foisted Carrot Top, Celine Dion, Sarah McLaughlin, and Bryan Adams on us? Did you ever really love a woman? Jesus! Come on you guys, their mascot is the beaver!!
We had a Canadian-American Friendship Celebration last Sunday, wherein they closed the main border crossing North of Seattle for 5 hours. I sat for well over an hour at my super secret commercial truck crossing entrance trying to get back from visiting my mother (that traitor!) in Vancouver.Apparently this whole closed border thing was all over the American news, but was it on the news in Canada? No, because some lady in Ontario survived a bear attack. Screw that, you know what's a successful day? When you don't get attacked by a bear. In fact, I have had thousands of bear-free days in succession-- put me on the news, damn it! Did they put the announcement up on the BORDER CROSSING INFORMATION BOARD in advance so that people entering Canada would know that they would be helplessly trapped, forced to listen to Bachman Turner Overdrive, Avril Levine, Bare Naked Ladies, Sum 41, and Celine Dion for an HOUR while trapped behind a convincing look alike of the EXTREME!!!!! truck from Harold and Kumar?? Did a helpful Canadian news anchor remind me to keep at least $1.25 in Canadian cash so that I could buy ice cream while waiting in line?? No!!! I guess the ice cream guys new the border was going to be closed; maybe they were watching the AMERICAN NEWS!
And as for you, Canada, let's just chat about our friendship. What have you done for US lately?
Let me go first, we give you:
-our popular culture
-the ability to have no military force
-someone to foist blame on
-a reason to wear tiny red leaves on everything to show everyone that you are just like Americans, but leafier.
-places to send your refugee doctors (those who would like to repay their student loans)
-the ability to crow about having better hockey players
-one military victory
You give us:
-Ryan Reynolds (now available in the US)
-maple syrup (available in the US)
-t-shirts with beavers on them (also available in the US)
-a place to flee to when drafted (available in Brazil)
Canada, with a friend like you, who needs an enemy? We're just gonna go hang out with Israel and Syria. They're our real friends.
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