Monkey Girl shares my distaste for kitty-mouth.
H&M is opening a store at the University Village. Hooray for cheap trendy clothes that will fall apart after the 4th washing!
Most disappointingly misleading headline: T-rex versus Beckham? Sorry David, you're lunch
If you actually want to read about new dinosaur theory (to be followed by alternate theory this time next year)*click the link. What? You're not clicking?
*This actually reminds me of the iPod. You get a new one and by the next year it is obsolete.
Japan, still a total dick. Japan omits China, asks Asian Democracies to unite
I don't want to be cheeky, but seriously, can you have a Asian Union without them? They basically are Asia. Furthermore, what? You're not inviting Russia, but you are inviting India?
"By Japan and India coming together in this way, this 'broader Asia' will evolve into an immense network spanning the entirety of the Pacific Ocean, incorporating the United States of America and Australia."
Oh, and the US and Australia. As 7th grade Quiana would say, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO buuuuuuuuuuurn!"
While Abe has improved ties with China, which had frayed under his predecessor, he has also stressed the need to forge closer links with democracies in what analysts have said was a tacit criticism of Beijing.
You think?
Russian woman sets fire to ex-husband's penis.
A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said on Wednesday.
Let this be a lesson to you men-folk, sometimes we just get tired of seeing your junk. This is like leaving the Christmas tree out all year, so don't get mad if we're not excited on Christmas morning.
And now for my final news item of the day, saving the best for last:
Murray refuses breath test in Sweeden
Actual text from the article: It isn't illegal to drive a golf cart in city traffic in Sweden, but Holmlund said it is very unusual.
I wonder if he tried to order some flapjacks. Or maybe some Swedish pancakes.
"Too early for flapjacks?"
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Good news!
The sky did not fall.
I did not turn into Tony Shalhoub, as I had initially feared.
In fact, all is well. It turned out that pie, Monday night TV, and knitting were the only things needed to perk me right up.
Now I can go straight back to my normal irrational fears of raccoons, squirrels, things with more than four legs, men wearing striped shirts and spiked hair who talk to me in bars, the government and its frustrating ineptitude, and becoming my mother.
And now for your viewing pleasure:
a highly sedated lemur
I did not turn into Tony Shalhoub, as I had initially feared.
In fact, all is well. It turned out that pie, Monday night TV, and knitting were the only things needed to perk me right up.
Now I can go straight back to my normal irrational fears of raccoons, squirrels, things with more than four legs, men wearing striped shirts and spiked hair who talk to me in bars, the government and its frustrating ineptitude, and becoming my mother.
And now for your viewing pleasure:
a highly sedated lemur
Monday, August 20, 2007
Foreboding
I have been just smothered in foreboding today. It is the sort of thing I associate with girlishness; perhaps because my mother is often struck with these sorts of feelings of clairvoyance that cause her to say such things as, "Oh I think I'd better drive down to wait while you have surgery because I have this very strong sense of foreboding about this...." As though a comment like this is supposed to make me feel -better-.
No, I don't think that I'm psychic, but my response to this feeling will still be to cower at home in bed with my stuffed bunny, Mr Bunnykins, and watch TV while eating tasty pie and waiting for the sky to fall.
On a related note, I am publishing an unauthorized reproduction of my convo about this subject with Paul (Paul italics, and I am bold, in general, but in this case in font as well) from this a.m. So read it ASAP in case Paul demands I take down this inflammatory and speculative hogwash.
No, I don't think that I'm psychic, but my response to this feeling will still be to cower at home in bed with my stuffed bunny, Mr Bunnykins, and watch TV while eating tasty pie and waiting for the sky to fall.
On a related note, I am publishing an unauthorized reproduction of my convo about this subject with Paul (Paul italics, and I am bold, in general, but in this case in font as well) from this a.m. So read it ASAP in case Paul demands I take down this inflammatory and speculative hogwash.
I am feeling this deep sense of foreboding. Very nervous and frantic feeling. Is this silly?
Is this just a general sense of foreboding or is it over something specific? Personally I have been quite weirded out over a series of occurrences, so if you wanted to tell me that the fabric of space and time is collapsing around me...
I would like reality to be kept in a very large rubber cement bottle. The kind with the brush. Reality bottles would be cumbersome and hard to open. I can picture some form of hijinx ensuing simply from trying to open a crusty old reality bottle. The smell of reality would also give me a headache.
A link dump?
Just what you always wanted!
World's Costliest Ham Triggers Pork Envy
Amusing and Irritating excerpts:
Likening it to a Mount Olympus of pork.
"This is the best ham in the world because it comes from the best pig in the world," [That's some pig!]
Democrats just noticed missing testes.
Via Slate's Today's Papers.
The NYT lead says Congress accidentally gave President George Bush the power to conduct warrantless searches and seizures when it passed a wiretapping bill earlier this month. Democrats are embarrassed they voted without understanding language that would allow—among other things—some physical searches, and the collection of business records, without a court order.
Alternate titles:
Plot from Arrested Development Ominously True in Congress
Congress: 'Rights must be around here somewhere.'
To Congress: 'Have you tried looking under the couch?'
Slate's Article on The Poetry of Guantanamo
In "To My Father," by Abdullah Thani Faris Al Anazi, the poet writes:
O Father, this is a prison of injustice.
Its iniquity makes the mountains weep.
I have committed no crime and am guilty of no offense.
Curved claws have I,
But I have been sold like a fattened sheep.
World's Costliest Ham Triggers Pork Envy
Amusing and Irritating excerpts:
Likening it to a Mount Olympus of pork.
"This is the best ham in the world because it comes from the best pig in the world," [That's some pig!]
Maldonado has yet to set a price for customers who buy the 13-pound hams directly from him, but the food site Ibergour.com has a dozen for sale at $2,100 each, and is accepting $250 deposits.
Is it ridiculous to pay that for a piece of pig? [WTF. YES. And this is coming from me.]
Democrats just noticed missing testes.
Via Slate's Today's Papers.
The NYT lead says Congress accidentally gave President George Bush the power to conduct warrantless searches and seizures when it passed a wiretapping bill earlier this month. Democrats are embarrassed they voted without understanding language that would allow—among other things—some physical searches, and the collection of business records, without a court order.
Alternate titles:
Plot from Arrested Development Ominously True in Congress
Congress: 'Rights must be around here somewhere.'
To Congress: 'Have you tried looking under the couch?'
Slate's Article on The Poetry of Guantanamo
In "To My Father," by Abdullah Thani Faris Al Anazi, the poet writes:
O Father, this is a prison of injustice.
Its iniquity makes the mountains weep.
I have committed no crime and am guilty of no offense.
Curved claws have I,
But I have been sold like a fattened sheep.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Things you may have to pry out of my cold dead hands
No, not cannoli (because only Rialto at Green Lake serves a reasonable cannolo in Seattle).
Nope, it's a gun, seriously.
Really.
I went to bed thinking guns should not be around (and yes, I admit, I did grow up with guns) and woke up thinking that maybe keeping Americans armed would be a nice way to deal with our inept, but ever scarier government.
Is Pooky growing up? Or is this a mere adult culmination of the fear of the government that was seeded in my little piggy-tailed head by E.T., D.A.R.Y.L, Real Genius, War Games, Flight of the Navigator, The Secret of NIMH, Terminator, and the Alien series?
Hard to say, but as Democrats get harder for me to respect, Republicans (real ones- not money spending, government power-increasing Bushites) are getting more attractive. Is this some sort of disillusionment beer-goggle?
Probably.
But don't worry, I haven't gone this far yet. Rudy Giuliani can still kiss my shiny metal ass. He should be used to kissing women's asses by this point. (Zing!)
Nope, it's a gun, seriously.
Really.
I went to bed thinking guns should not be around (and yes, I admit, I did grow up with guns) and woke up thinking that maybe keeping Americans armed would be a nice way to deal with our inept, but ever scarier government.
Is Pooky growing up? Or is this a mere adult culmination of the fear of the government that was seeded in my little piggy-tailed head by E.T., D.A.R.Y.L, Real Genius, War Games, Flight of the Navigator, The Secret of NIMH, Terminator, and the Alien series?
Hard to say, but as Democrats get harder for me to respect, Republicans (real ones- not money spending, government power-increasing Bushites) are getting more attractive. Is this some sort of disillusionment beer-goggle?
Probably.
But don't worry, I haven't gone this far yet. Rudy Giuliani can still kiss my shiny metal ass. He should be used to kissing women's asses by this point. (Zing!)
You may call me Snappy McSapperson
Seriously grumpy today. Grump Grump Grump.
Hey I know what would cheer me up!
MMMMMMMMM... chocolate Daleck.
I think my irritation has to do with the hand entry of thousands of numbers into my Database of Doooooooooom. And you know, the weather. And my mean friends who are too busy to watch Monster Squad with me, even though I expressly requested it for them to view. I would even make a nice coffee cake....
Hey I know what would cheer me up!
MMMMMMMMM... chocolate Daleck.
I think my irritation has to do with the hand entry of thousands of numbers into my Database of Doooooooooom. And you know, the weather. And my mean friends who are too busy to watch Monster Squad with me, even though I expressly requested it for them to view. I would even make a nice coffee cake....
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
League of Women Who Think You're an Idiot
The survey left, click to enlarge, is the most ridiculous survey I've seen in a long time.I have written my own survey which is only moderately ridiculous:
1. Do you support puppies being run over by steamrollers?
2. Would you like more donuts and candy?
3. Do you find it nearly impossible to stop trees from growing using only the power of your mind?
Result= Dramatic commercials.
"98% of Americans want the heinous practice of Puppy-Steamrolling abolished! Hillary Clinton for President, she'd never steamroll a puppy.
Paid for by the League of Women Voters."
Well, League, and I think Gloria Steinem would have my back on this, you're stupid.
Alternate Title:
Says League of Women Voters, "You're dumb, give us money."
PS- League of Women Voters, I think you're jerks. Thanks for the AWESOME survey.
Parades are cool, but a reasonable wage is nicer.
Two links to stories on the Freakonomics blog regarding how to adequately compensate the people who keep us safe: soldiers and cops.
Restore the Draft? What a Bad Idea
New theory on how to get good prospective soldiers to enlist: pay them properly*.
In Case You Think Police Officers are Overpaid
This article also reminded me that paying officers a good wage would encourage competition and get the best applicants. Additionally, bribery would be less of an issue if cops made a good wage.
*In an unrelated and immature thought, I used to remember how to spell 'properly' by noting that 'pp' is improper.
Restore the Draft? What a Bad Idea
New theory on how to get good prospective soldiers to enlist: pay them properly*.
In Case You Think Police Officers are Overpaid
This article also reminded me that paying officers a good wage would encourage competition and get the best applicants. Additionally, bribery would be less of an issue if cops made a good wage.
*In an unrelated and immature thought, I used to remember how to spell 'properly' by noting that 'pp' is improper.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Good Times for Geeks
My best friend from JH, Amber, is in town and last night we found one of those nifty R2D2 post-boxes.
We also sat down and started watching the first season of The 4400. This show was actually pretty cool, so check it out.
Alien abduction tv show watching and posing with post-boxes in robot drag: this is what geeks do for fun.
Still single, guys. RAWWWR.
We also sat down and started watching the first season of The 4400. This show was actually pretty cool, so check it out.
Alien abduction tv show watching and posing with post-boxes in robot drag: this is what geeks do for fun.
Still single, guys. RAWWWR.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Nature News!
There must be something in the water; rabies is my guess.
Wis. Cops Capture Diaper-Wearing Monkey
Police issued a warning to the public of the foot-tall monkey with a long prehensile tail: "It is now on the lam, presumably still in the State Street area.[Unless it hijacked a chopper... then it could be anywhere. If I were him, I'd go straight for Brazil... for their extradition laws and zesty waxing practices....]"
Beheaded Snake Sends Man to Hospital
"When I reached down to pick up the head, it raised around and did a backflip almost, and bit my finger," Anderson said. "I had to shake my hand real hard to get it to let loose."
Nature attacks from beyond the grave. BOOOOOOOOOOO.
Bats: Have Rabies, Fuck Up Your Commute
A tailback of about 800 yards built up in one direction, while cars queued for more than a mile at the tunnel's other entrance.
Say bats: "Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan is one-quarter complete!" No word on ultimate outcome. Blogger's guess: rabies gun?
Woman Kills Raccoon With Her Bare Hands
She pulled the raccoon off the child, told the children to run home and strangled the animal, authorities said.
Her hobbies include pumping iron, eating nails, and foxy boxing.
Favorite phrase of the day: foxy boxing.
Wis. Cops Capture Diaper-Wearing Monkey
Police issued a warning to the public of the foot-tall monkey with a long prehensile tail: "It is now on the lam, presumably still in the State Street area.[Unless it hijacked a chopper... then it could be anywhere. If I were him, I'd go straight for Brazil... for their extradition laws and zesty waxing practices....]"
Beheaded Snake Sends Man to Hospital
"When I reached down to pick up the head, it raised around and did a backflip almost, and bit my finger," Anderson said. "I had to shake my hand real hard to get it to let loose."
Nature attacks from beyond the grave. BOOOOOOOOOOO.
Bats: Have Rabies, Fuck Up Your Commute
A tailback of about 800 yards built up in one direction, while cars queued for more than a mile at the tunnel's other entrance.
Say bats: "Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan is one-quarter complete!" No word on ultimate outcome. Blogger's guess: rabies gun?
Woman Kills Raccoon With Her Bare Hands
She pulled the raccoon off the child, told the children to run home and strangled the animal, authorities said.
Her hobbies include pumping iron, eating nails, and foxy boxing.
Favorite phrase of the day: foxy boxing.
Getting all Bryn Mawr
I read this article on the Freakonomics blog and a whole slew of people shot straight to the top of my 'find their car and take a dump on it' list.
To paraphrase the article:
Under particular discussion is a pickup technique that Mystery advocates known as “negging” — a move that involves interjecting an insult during an initial conversation with a woman. The motivation behind the insult is, as Esquire’s A.J. Jacobs puts it, to “lower her self-esteem, thus making her more vulnerable to your advances.”
I have run into guys like this and when they insult you and you respond appropriately (drink in lap/testicle removal) they always call you a 'stuck up bitch.' I have since learned that for men like this, any girl who has the ability to resist the will of any man is 'a bitch.' And that any girl smarter than him is 'stuck up.'
Now here is the issue that I have with this theory: if you are just looking for someone to have sex with, you can easily pick up chicks with self-esteem issues without having to be an overt asshole; you can be a covert asshole. There are a whole lot of women so dumb or desperate that you don't even have to trick them to have sex with you mere hours after meeting.
Quiana's Guide for Men Who Want to Get Laid Tonight!
1. Look for the tramp stamp. Lower back tattoo = easy pickings.
2. Pick a less pretty girl out of a group of girls- especially bachelorette parties.
3. Pick up a really young or much older woman in the bar. 21 year olds may not be wise enough to know about guys like you, older women will be flattered by your attention and probably won't care about being used.
4. Find a girl that's alone. If she's at a bar alone, she's looking for exactly what you have available. Or she is a prostitute. Either way it's a win!! (Unless she's a tranny, caveat emptor, my friend.)
5. Craigslist casual encounters.
To paraphrase the article:
Under particular discussion is a pickup technique that Mystery advocates known as “negging” — a move that involves interjecting an insult during an initial conversation with a woman. The motivation behind the insult is, as Esquire’s A.J. Jacobs puts it, to “lower her self-esteem, thus making her more vulnerable to your advances.”
I have run into guys like this and when they insult you and you respond appropriately (drink in lap/testicle removal) they always call you a 'stuck up bitch.' I have since learned that for men like this, any girl who has the ability to resist the will of any man is 'a bitch.' And that any girl smarter than him is 'stuck up.'
Now here is the issue that I have with this theory: if you are just looking for someone to have sex with, you can easily pick up chicks with self-esteem issues without having to be an overt asshole; you can be a covert asshole. There are a whole lot of women so dumb or desperate that you don't even have to trick them to have sex with you mere hours after meeting.
Quiana's Guide for Men Who Want to Get Laid Tonight!
1. Look for the tramp stamp. Lower back tattoo = easy pickings.
2. Pick a less pretty girl out of a group of girls- especially bachelorette parties.
3. Pick up a really young or much older woman in the bar. 21 year olds may not be wise enough to know about guys like you, older women will be flattered by your attention and probably won't care about being used.
4. Find a girl that's alone. If she's at a bar alone, she's looking for exactly what you have available. Or she is a prostitute. Either way it's a win!! (Unless she's a tranny, caveat emptor, my friend.)
5. Craigslist casual encounters.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
sigh
How a Dirty Word Gets That Way via Slate.
In March 2002, Bush interrupted a meeting Condoleezza Rice was holding and yelled, ""Fuck Saddam. We're taking him out!"
President Bush used another version when he told British Prime Minister Tony Blair that the United Nations needed to "get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit."
That's our guy.
In March 2002, Bush interrupted a meeting Condoleezza Rice was holding and yelled, ""Fuck Saddam. We're taking him out!"
President Bush used another version when he told British Prime Minister Tony Blair that the United Nations needed to "get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit."
That's our guy.
Things my friends think are funny.
1. The Office
2. Mitch Hedberg
3. Trying to get me fired.
A couple of days ago this arrived at my office:
I opened it to find this:
As I was sitting there my boss walked up and thank God her vision is AWFUL, because I think that as far as Workplace is concerned, penises outside of the pant-al region are strictly prohibited.
2. Mitch Hedberg
3. Trying to get me fired.
A couple of days ago this arrived at my office:
I opened it to find this:
As I was sitting there my boss walked up and thank God her vision is AWFUL, because I think that as far as Workplace is concerned, penises outside of the pant-al region are strictly prohibited.
Thank God for the internet!
Otherwise I never would have found out about the following:
Swedish grandmother hospitalized after beaver attack
You know I went to Bryn Mawr for YEARS and never suffered a beaver attack. What? Not that kind of beaver? Well, the statement is still true.
Actually I spend a lot of time at the beaver park in North Seattle (no, not Volunteer Park, the actual park with the beaver dam). Beavers are huge and I'm certain they could totally fuck you up. I love watching the beavers swim around and build their dam, but now I'm a bit nervous, what with my track record for animal attacks.
Venturesome DIY'er building Futurama's Bender
On a whimsical request from a friend, a pioneering lad set out to not only create a lifelike rendition of Bender, but to "give it a brain and make it brew beer."
I wonder if this guy is single, since he's building a Bender Brewer, I would guess so. He's handy, he likes beer, he likes cartoons... I can't see a problem here.
Swedish grandmother hospitalized after beaver attack
You know I went to Bryn Mawr for YEARS and never suffered a beaver attack. What? Not that kind of beaver? Well, the statement is still true.
Actually I spend a lot of time at the beaver park in North Seattle (no, not Volunteer Park, the actual park with the beaver dam). Beavers are huge and I'm certain they could totally fuck you up. I love watching the beavers swim around and build their dam, but now I'm a bit nervous, what with my track record for animal attacks.
Venturesome DIY'er building Futurama's Bender
On a whimsical request from a friend, a pioneering lad set out to not only create a lifelike rendition of Bender, but to "give it a brain and make it brew beer."
I wonder if this guy is single, since he's building a Bender Brewer, I would guess so. He's handy, he likes beer, he likes cartoons... I can't see a problem here.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Wages of global hegemony.
China threatens 'nuclear option' of dollar sales.
See kids, this is what happens when the US plays hardball. When a country goes from defender to playground bully, how can anyone be surprised at the consequences?
Years of abusive foreign policy have led to acrimonious relationships with other nations at exactly the time we need their support.
Stay tuned for more unpopular opinions here at Seattle Umbrella Conspiracy.
See kids, this is what happens when the US plays hardball. When a country goes from defender to playground bully, how can anyone be surprised at the consequences?
Years of abusive foreign policy have led to acrimonious relationships with other nations at exactly the time we need their support.
Stay tuned for more unpopular opinions here at Seattle Umbrella Conspiracy.
WWZ
Some time ago I read World War Z, an excellent "oral history" of the zombie wars, written by Max Brooks.
As predicted by Steve and yours truly, a film is now in the works.
And that's all I got, check out the story at Zombiephiles.com.
As predicted by Steve and yours truly, a film is now in the works.
And that's all I got, check out the story at Zombiephiles.com.
What can be loosely described as 'news'
WWTD.com is reporting that JJ Abrams is looking at Tom Cruise for a part in the upcoming Star Trek movie. In related news, I wish to die.
AP is reporting that a man smuggled a monkey into NYC under his hat.
"Other passengers asked the man if he knew he had a monkey on him...."
At least it wasn't in his pants.
Excerpt from recent news story:
There, police found the video camera and a "large amount" of 8mm and VHS videotapes of Dills engaged in masturbation and sex acts with traffic signs near his home, McManus said.
Perplexing. How does one have a sex act with a traffic sign beyond the previously mentioned masturbation? I hope he has his tetanus booster.
AP is reporting that a man smuggled a monkey into NYC under his hat.
"Other passengers asked the man if he knew he had a monkey on him...."
At least it wasn't in his pants.
Excerpt from recent news story:
There, police found the video camera and a "large amount" of 8mm and VHS videotapes of Dills engaged in masturbation and sex acts with traffic signs near his home, McManus said.
Perplexing. How does one have a sex act with a traffic sign beyond the previously mentioned masturbation? I hope he has his tetanus booster.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Maybe I should get married after all.
Because last night there was a spider IN MY FRIDGE.
Let me repeat IN MY FRIDGE.
There I was in my PJ's watching How I Met Your Mother when I had a hankering for a nice apple. I opened the fridge and THERE WAS A SPIDER IN MY FRIDGE. And then because I am a complete and utter moron I squeaked and SHUT THE DOOR. I soon realized that this was not a good solution to the issue and used the back of my dustpan to squash the spider. (Then danced/hopped around in circles flailing my arms going 'blech, blech, blech!!!')
It took all of my strength to not throw out every last thing in my fridge from milk to olives on the spider-cootie principle/highly unlikely, but nonetheless terrifying egg laying possibility. The additional epiphany that the spider probably rode into my fridge on my fresh produce, purchased that day for TJ's, sucked the apple craving out of me faster than (insert sorority girl joke here).
Luckily it wasn't the scariest of all local spiders, the giant house spider. Linda recently had a run in with the GHS, as did Megan. Although, I don't think that one of those could fit in my fridge.
Let me repeat IN MY FRIDGE.
There I was in my PJ's watching How I Met Your Mother when I had a hankering for a nice apple. I opened the fridge and THERE WAS A SPIDER IN MY FRIDGE. And then because I am a complete and utter moron I squeaked and SHUT THE DOOR. I soon realized that this was not a good solution to the issue and used the back of my dustpan to squash the spider. (Then danced/hopped around in circles flailing my arms going 'blech, blech, blech!!!')
It took all of my strength to not throw out every last thing in my fridge from milk to olives on the spider-cootie principle/highly unlikely, but nonetheless terrifying egg laying possibility. The additional epiphany that the spider probably rode into my fridge on my fresh produce, purchased that day for TJ's, sucked the apple craving out of me faster than (insert sorority girl joke here).
Luckily it wasn't the scariest of all local spiders, the giant house spider. Linda recently had a run in with the GHS, as did Megan. Although, I don't think that one of those could fit in my fridge.
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