Friday, November 16, 2007

Hate Mail!

Dear American Apparel,

I am tired of your perversely thin cotton t-shirts. I know that most of your clientèle would like to wear 17 shirts of varying lengths at once or conversely wander around bra-less with their thinly veiled areola on display. But I’m not Paris Hilton or a 16 year old girl with no confidence, so I would like a shirt that does not display my bellybutton and immediately get minuscule holes in it.

Additionally, I like to transfer the shirt from my body directly to the laundry hamper and shortly thereafter to the ‘washing machine’. I’m just guessing from your creepy kind of kiddy porn looking advertisements that neither your models, nor their attire, are familiar with water. Water is clear and wet and when combined with detergent will cause bad odors, grease, dirt, and mustard to disappear from cloth and many other substances. However, when I wash your shirts no matter what temperature I use or whether I machine dry them, fluff* them, or lay them flat, they always come out catawampus** in form. The hem and breast-al regions seem to be the primary areas of deformation. Let me express to you that one of the major areas of my body I would prefer not to look catawampus is my breasts.*** Perhaps you should make socks instead?

I’d like to add that I have had some of my other t-shirts since the 90’s**** and most of them are in better shape than the American Apparel t-shirts that I just purchased. In fact, I have a t-shirt that I’ve been wearing since I was 9 years old (pajama shirt, to regular shirt, to work out shirt) but it took about 15 years before you could clearly see through it without trying.

Additionally, it seems that your t-shirts are the only ones available in the continental US. How have you managed this? I am grudgingly impressed that your crappy- yet expensive- shirts have managed to dominate the indy t-shirt industry. I’m also impressed with your no sweatshop policy, though I wonder if perhaps your t-shirts would be less crappy if you used workers from a more industrious country. Americans are kind of lazy. Try Germans- I hear that they have a great work ethic.

My less than a year old tissue thin t-shirt, now replete with a minuscule peek-a-boo-I-see-Quiana-has-been-snacking hole and I have some work to do, so in closing I just want to let you know that I absolutely despise everything about you from your annoying advertisements, to your crappy product, and especially your irritating hipster/cooler-while-simultaneously-holier-than-thou attitude.




** I had always thought this was spelled ‘cattywampus’ but apparently no.

*** My breasts, while not perfectly symmetrical are absolutely not catawampus.

**** Yes, I’m perversely proud of this.

1 comment:

Patrick said...

How come you sign off your hate mail the same way you sign off your emails to me. Wait....nevermind. I got it.