News and whatnot

Brides already not self-obsessed enough.
Now they must be princess brides: Disney to offer gowns for Princess brides. You can just file this under shit that makes me want to slap someone and yell.
What happened to weddings in the home with food and decorations made for you by your loving family and friends? I'm sick of multiple showers, bachelorette weekend trips, wedding ceremonies in churches for non-religious persons, followed by hours long receptions with flocks of expensively clad attendants, many speeches, bad music, mediocre food, and cheap booze. Followed shortly after by acrimonious divorce and cheer up martinis.
Listen people, celebrate your love of a lifetime by taking that 30k and putting a down on a house. Register for the items you would like in said house and receive them at a tasteful ceremony at your new home.

Cell phones possibly causing death of honey bees
This headline caught my eye, not simply because the mystery of the lost bees is intriguing, but also because I am currently reading Cell, by Stephen King. Cell is essentially about cell phones creating zombies (Oh, the subtlety).
He rages near constantly at the rudeness of cell users and thus wrote a somewhat diverting book in which he takes his revenge. It actually bothers me that King is so irked by cell phones. Sure some people talk on them when they should be talking to the checker or waitress- but these people are rude people and regardless of their cell-phones would find something equally rude behavior. Perhaps while buying their Disney Princess gowns....

Ed Norton to play Bruce Banner in upcoming The Incredible Hulk.
I can't believe someone as snotty as Ed Norton wants to play the Hulk.
That being said, I will still go see it in the theater... because I am a complete idiot.
"Edward is perfectly suited to bring one of the most popular and important Marvel icons to the big screen in a new and exciting way," Marvel Studios production president Kevin Feige said in a statement.
Said Norton, "Look, all this coke doesn't just magically appear in my nose, you know!"

Seattle man charged in bizarre duck case
A long convoluted story in which a dude jacks some crap from the Linens & Things [that you don't need] and attempts to escape in his car, which almost runs over his girlfriend's pet duck, Mr. Peepers, causing an onlooker to jump in front of the car to save the duck, thus being run over.
No, seriously.
Of course this couldn't happen today, when I actually have to go to the adjacent Best Buy. That would have been quite the show

Va. Tech: Gunman student from S. Korea
Now this is where I offend.
Headline alternatives:
Va. Tech: Gunman likes peanut butter sandwiches.
Va. Tech: Gunman boring white kid from Corvalis Oregon.
Va. Tech: Gunman had six fingers on his right hand.
I really am bothered that the only relevant detail- that he was a student- was completely ignored in favor of the fact that he was Korean. Also you screwed the pooch on punctuation. Excellent job news media.
Enjoy raking in the profits by providing self-indulgent America with pointless details in every new edition, thus enabling us to emotionally take advantage of a tragedy of which we have no part.