I am not kidding. Do any of you need a roommate?

Yesterday I was on the phone with my dear former roommate as I let myself in through the second security door and into my hallway. Crazy Neighbor’s door popped open and she waddled out. “I need to talk to you,” she said walking towards me. I waggled my phone at her. “We need to talk,” she said continuing towards me. I just shut my door.

At 8:45 in my post-work out/ post-dinner flush I lay sprawled across my bed indulging in my secret shame- Ugly Betty- when there was a thoroughly expected knock at my door. At 8:45 on Thursdays Monica shows up and we chat until Grey’s comes on.

“Come in,” I called, “its locked; just let yourself in.” And there was no answer. I thought that perhaps Monica has a bunch of junk in her arms and can’t get her keys out. So I hopped up and threw open the door to find Crazy Neighbor.

With no preamble she declared, “I’m sorry to bug you, it’s just that every time I leave my apartment they come in and steal from me.”

Finally unable to contain the look that says ‘oh my gosh you are totally bonkers,’ I stared at her, slack jawed.

At that moment my hallway door opened and an unseen person approached. Crazy Neighbor blocked my door with her considerable girth/ crazy person powers. Monica was unable to enter; also nervous, she hovered a few feet away.

‘It’s just that I can’t leave my things in there because Dan (our apt. manager) will come in and steal them.” She was genuinely scared and wrung her hands furiously. “Can I bring over a few things for you to keep safe for me while I run an errand? It’ll only take 15 minutes.”

I had no idea what to do. Crazy Neighbor was counting on me and all of this was so real to her, so I agreed. I will admit that partially I just wanted her to go away and let Mon in and that I also was a tad bit nervous about possible reprisals if I refused.

Monica came in the second she left and we screamed soundlessly and jumped up and down waving our hands in a panic.

A few minutes later she returned with three carrier bags full of papers- notebooks, loose leaf, envelopes, just paper. I was tempted to examine them, but didn’t want to be accused of anything if she noticed. Fifteen minutes later she knocked on my door, I handed her the bags and stammered ‘thank you’ (which in my mind means ‘we’re done here, now go away’) repeatedly and slamming the door shut.

I immediately declared that one of us (preferably both) has to move right away. I called my apartment manager and left him a voicemail asking him to call me the next day because I have something very important to discuss with him. I plan to tell him that I feel freaked out and unsafe and so should he. That he needs to boot her or I’m out of here.

So, if any of you know someone looking for a roommate- possibly temporarily, I’m looking to move ASAP.

It’s not simply that I’m scared she might crap on my door mat, or yell at me, or chop me up into tiny pieces and feed me to her fish; it’s that I can’t deal with her coming over every time she has a break with reality. I can’t open my door to her and I don’t want to be her enemy. I just want her and her weird cloud gone.

I was planning on moving anyway, this just moves up the time table.