Friday, December 01, 2006

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Inside Britney's Underpants
By Joal Ryan
Thu, 30 Nov 2006 04:59:19 PM PST

Is Britney Spears allergic to underpants?

Clinically speaking, it's possible.

"Commonly, a lot of underwear is often made out of polyester, which is not a natural fabric," says Dr. Ted Edwards of the Allergy Expert Website. "And a lot of people have a reaction to that."

It is not known if Spears is actually allergic to underpants—polyester, cotton, latex or otherwise. But it is known that the performer is not big on bloomers of late.

In the past week, Spears' formerly private parts have been captured on film on three separate occasions, the latest incident occurring Tuesday night at a Malibu gas station apparently popular with paparazzi and underpants-free pop stars.

The photos, having taken to the Internet like porn to, well, the Internet, have prompted many clicks, some tsk-tsks, and an offer of help from Rosie O'Donnell.

"I went shopping for [Spears] yesterday. I got her these," O'Donnell said on Thursday's edition of The View, as she held up a pair of pinkish-red bikini briefs. "Can you see? It says, 'No peeking.' "

On Wednesday, O'Donnell asked Victoria's Secret to provide Spears and her two new associates, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, with an unlimited supply of panties. Like Spears, Hilton and Lohan have been caught with their pants down. Or, off, as the case were.

A source tells E! News that Spears took shopping matters into her own hands on Tuesday afternoon at Le Bra Lingerie, the West Hollywood shop where a pre-wedding Katie Holmes splurged for $3,000 in underthings.

Spears and an unidentified friend scooped up about $3,400 worth of corsets, tuxedo shirts and other designer lingerie.

There was no specific mention of panty purchases.

According to Harry Finley, who has researched the history of underpants for his Website, the Museum of Menstruation & Women's Health, Spears' crotchless lifestyle is a throwback.

"No women [wore underpants] up to a certain point," Finley says. "All men and women wore a kind of chemise—a long undershirt—with nothing underneath. That was their underwear."

Granted, in those days—say the 1700s—panty-free women weren't squeezing into micro-miniskirts and exiting limos outside Hyde, as Spears is wont to do.

"Obviously, if you wore a lot of outer clothing you can get away with more," Finley says.

"Wear more outer clothing" might be one memo to Spears.

"Put underwear on" might be another.

The latter comes courtesy Ginger Burr, who runs the Boston-based company Total Image Consultants.

As a personal image consultant, Burr is at a loss to explain Spears' new away-with-Underoos look.

"One time you can understand. Two times—I don't know," Burr says. "It's crazy. I wouldn't recommend anyone wear a short skirt and no underwear."

Perhaps if Spears wasn't wearing a short skirt sans underwear while simultaneously exiting a limousine, the world would not be so consumed with her nether region.

Or perhaps if Spears was exiting the limo in the correct fashion...

"There is a proper way, particularly when you're going to be slightly indecent," Burr says. "Keep your legs and knees together and swing them out together.

"It's very simple. It's very logical. Why she hasn't figured this out..."

Not that the panty-free life doesn't have its advantages.

"It's certainly more convenient," Finley says.

It's even a way to prevent infections such as vaginitis, which can be caused or exacerbated by too-tight underwear.

Edwards says underpants are mostly matters of modesty, their use entirely optional. And in some cases, such as rashes, the only option might be to go without them for a while.

"I would guarantee you there's several hundred thousand people out there doing the same thing [Spears did]," Edwards says. "But no one cares about them."

On the off chance Spears is alone, maybe all she needs is a time machine.

"People were not concerned a long time ago with smell, and washing was considered not healthy," Finley says. "People were pretty gross."

So Spears would be at home?

"She'd fit right in."

Oh! I've played this game! "Inside Britney's Underpants." Hmmmmmm......
Oh! Places I don't want to be!
Things that don't exist!
Thar be dragons!

Britney, you trashy ho bag, keep your chacho to yourself. Please.

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