Thursday, January 31, 2008
I really need to get back to work (as I have been illicitly checking my work email) and I am convinced that they are not going to survive without me.
(Although the most shocking thing in my in-box was an invitation to a party to be held by Gargoyle Toes. MEEP! I feel very bad about not wanting to go, on account of how I, you know, despise her-- and I am very afraid that there will be no one at her party except her dying cat and her alleged spouse. I can just picture them in three sad little party hats, all alone. That would be awful; so, dear readers, should I:
1.Go to the damn party.
2.Convince another sucker to go to the damn party with me.
3.Make up an excuse.
Anyway, I'm flemmy and coughy and would like to be magically better over night so as not to miss out on all of the awesome Superbowl and ground hog's day festivities I have planned this weekend.
Today I was ravenously hungry all day, which I figure must be a good sign. Surely consumption of bacon will at least partially heal me so that I can at least attempt to haul my disgusting carcass into work tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wendy's drops the awesome red wig commercials. I am devastated.
The staff of The Onion suffers the horrors of Uncle Oinker's Bacon Mints.
“Something’s wrong. I consider myself very attuned to bacon, but all I’m getting here is ‘sweet.’”
“I’ve got a cold, so I can’t really taste anything at—Wait. EWWW. That shit is GROSS.”
“It’s not the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted. I guess.”
“You have what? Oh, I can’t. There’s no way. I would throw up all over you guys.”
Another whole wheat use to ponder. Of course I would ponder them with chocolate chips....
If you would like to enjoy some excellent Garfield "tributes" check out Lasagnacat.com.
My personal favorites:
Jurassic Park Theme
Final Fantasy Theme
SFW unless your boss doesn't want you watching video parodies in the office.
This video could save your life- via zombiesarecoming.com.
Mother insisted that I bring some whole wheat flour home with me (which she bought thinking it is the same as all-purpose flour and then realized her error) so I've had these in mind.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Seriously, don't talk down to me. Don't imply that I'm wondering what the State of the Union means to me. Don't say that seeing who stands or who claps is not significant because I do want to know if my candidates are publicly supporting certain statements.
Do not come to me and talk about bipartisanism (though I understand your background would qualify you to do so) while asking the president to solve the budget crisis and make plans. Don't try to be sneaky with me. It is partisan to criticize the economy of a sitting president in an electoral year (especially in a Democratic response).
A weak and shady rebuttal- I don't like it. Be like Obama, just come out and say that you want plans. Just say it. America wants plans too.
That being said, wanna be the VP? You are electable and articulate- a true stateswoman.
Now, if only you could run with McCain and put your money where your mouth is.
No new ideas, no new plans, no new solutions... quack quack quack.
Just a few things that I thought about watching tonight's State of the Union Address:
There was a prevailing theme of trusting Americans, with their own money and health:
That is crazy. People can't be trusted with money Americans have an average of $8,000 in consumer debt. NBC Nightly News was advertising for the upcoming special: 'Addicted to Debt' immediately before AND after the address. Americans own credit cards with over 20% APR. I work with Americans, my clients are Americans, and I drive with Americans and I think it is pretty safe to say that these people are pretty much morons.
We elect leaders because hopefully we can pull it together enough to pick some really smart people to make rules for the rest of us.
Additionally the government does not trust us to make our own health decisions, though the president made a point of noting that medical decisions should be made by doctors not in congress, he then went on to talk about science vs. morality. The sanctity of embryos over the sanctity of living human beings and my own uterus.
He also wants more legislation to go towards tort reform as it involves medical suits. Americans can be trusted- but apparently not to determine their right to sue.
Warmonging continues with mixed signals:
The president directly called out Iran. (Among others including Burma, Belarus, and Cuba.)
Used the phrase: "deliver Justice to our enemies." SHUDDER.
Promised a large scale initial pullout of Iraq. (Here, YOU have fun with this mess.)
Education is awesome:
He said that kids have the highest test scores ever- is that simply because we had never tested our kids before? Perhaps because there was no standard?
Also increased accountability to parents with more flexibility for schools? Is that possible?
Not a lot of new thoughts on the environment- all rhetoric no plans:
The only plan involved subsidizing environmental improvements in China and India.
Why should I give China money to increase their environmental standards? We should stop sending them pollutants and buying the products from them that are ruining the environment. Additionally, I feel like giving any funds to nations as dangerous and aggressive as we are is a very foolish idea.
Things I liked:
New ideas for insurance assistance.
Congressman Boehner's hilarious fakey tan.
Obama's elegant hands. He walks like a statesman, talks like a statesman, and looks thoughtful like a statesman.
Cheney's Grinch-like lurking. That man lurks like nobody's business.
Things that ticked me off:
Pell Grants for Kids: instead of improving education in poor communities, allow a few poor kids with good parents (thus statistically likely to improve their lifestyle regardless of their school) to go to school with (let's face it) white kids.
Tax break renewals: what continue to let the wealthy ignore their obligations towards the security and economy of America?
Quack, quack, quack.
Only for special occasions.
Also, everything is awesome in Seattle- a cupcake in every kitchen and no zombies at all. You can have my personal guarantee that there are no zombies here. (yet.)
'sex seattle': about twice a week.
'making love out of nothing at all': every god-damned day.
'adam carolla': every god-damned day.
'things that are awesome': yesterday.
'bank of america/clean sweep loan/check cashing/payday loans': many times a day.
questions along the lines of: 'do people in seattle use umbrellas?': every other day.
'American Ferret Society': about once a week. (Do they not have a website?)
Check out the video on Bulletproof Bracelets.
I'm miffed about this Heath Ledger media stuff. My blog got some 50 hits right after I mentioned Ledger- entirely due to people googling 'heath ledger conspiracy.'
Friday, January 25, 2008
Guys, seriously, ok?
It should be fun, since I'm bringing my cousin Sean with for extra entertainment (and Kim to carpool to the frosty North).
Actual conversation last night:
Sean: So what should I pack?
Quiana: ID, insurance card, pants with out holes...
Sean: I was not going to wear holey pants.
Quiana: (nose wrinkle) A winter coat, maybe a sleeping bag.
Sean: I meant, should I pack my X-Box 360?
Quiana: Well, yes.
My major plan for the weekend primarily involves attempting to persuade my mother to purchase Rock Band for the PS3.
If you get bored while I'm gone, here is a list of every cause of Hulk Out-age. Having someone say that they find fat people sexy and then poking Dr. Banner repeatedly in the side does not appear, but perhaps that is an oversight?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
You guys are cool, and I know that we were tight back in the day, but I am just feeling a bit smothered. I wish I could believe that you will just take it easy, but you're got those lyin' eyes.
Maybe I listen to classic rock stations too frequently, so you aren't entirely to blame, but after I turned from The Mountain, 97.3 was playing the Boys of Summer and I think I have just had enough of you, Don Henley. You've really taken me to the limit of my tolerance for hearing your songs over and over again.
It has been a long time since we have shared an actual peaceful easy feeling and call me a witchy woman, but I think I need a new kid in town.
I know you may be feeling like a victim of love, but one of these nights, you'll realize that you simply weren't ready for life in the fast lane. I'm sorry if you're feeling a little heartache tonight, but hell will freeze over if this isn't the last worthless evening that I have to spend with you. I'm so sorry to air all of this dirty laundry on the internet, but I belong to the city, but you belong more along the rocky mountain way. What I'm trying to say is that all I want to do is dance, and I just can't dance to desperado.
I guess this is simply the end of innocence. Don't come looking for me, as I'm already gone.
Best of my love,
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Life After People will has an encore showing tonight at 8 on the History Channel.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
It isn't that I'm particularly interested in Heath Ledger- other than his Batman involvement; it's just that I am so tired of people ruining their lives with drugs and alcohol. Young people dying for no good reason.
It makes me angry and sad.
Maybe it has to do with my enchanting family background.
You were a good actor and a handsome fella. I'm sorry your daughter will grow up without you. It makes me sad.
More story via Comic Book Resources.
All was well with the Bare Minerals foundation and bronzer. Then I added eye shadow (which was crazy!). Then eyeliner (which worked great). But now I've added clear mascara and (gasp) lipstick and this whole thing has gotten completely out of hand.
Yesterday was my inaugural day of lipstick wear-age, and of course I felt like a man in unconvincing drag. I lamented to Andy that I looked like a $2 whore in all this stuff. He seemed to think it was fine. But I seriously feel like one of those girls in a Robert Palmer music video.
Am I allergic to being a lady-person? It rather seems so.
In other rambling/incoherent news, a male of interest recently asked about my blog and where to find it. I'm pretty sure that you can google "quiana bacon" (yup #3) or "quiana bacon blog" (#1) and find it, but that is not the point. The point is that I can't give this guy my blog address- then he will find out that I am a google abusing, finger assaulting, neurotic, bacon fiend.
Aren't these little things the fun little land mines that you have to find slowly as you go along so as not to immediately raise the red flag (which is maybe called the "uhoh she's crazy flag")? Dis-aster.
Additional bonus rambling incoherence:
How is it possible that I meet people and then immediately forget we've ever met? This causes huge problems. Then they just look vaguely familiar. Which is worthless, because I can't ever utter the words, "have we met before" without feeling like an utter ass-muppet- so I never do.
I have the world's most crap memory, and I think it is very unfair that people should be able to remember me and where we met and all I think when I see them is, "hmmmm maybe we shop at the same Top Foods." USELESS.
Yea, so anyway that happened twice last night. I am such an ass.
Monday, January 21, 2008
I'm very concerned about your well-being, although the signals for depression are mixed. Constant odors of bacon and the strains of Death Cab for Cutie and Snow Patrol lead me to believe that you are depressed and fat, but the loud bellows and peels of occasional laughter and noisy talk about cupcakes leads me to believe that you may be fat and happy.
Anyway, let me know if you need anymore depressing music- I may have a few Tracy Chapman MP3's hanging around in case of your need. I'll let you get back to your sad hipster music.
Upstairs Boring Music Neighbor
Friday, January 18, 2008
A spring in my step and a twinkle in my eye.
Walking on sunshine, if you will.
And I have no idea why. Granted today has been full of good news and lattes. I have an awesome weekend planned out and my awful work project is off my back for at least a week. And of course, it is cookie pre-order time! And tonight I will watch Cloverfield (and take Dramamine)! Then next week I visit my mom!
Yay, life! Yay, monsters destroying New York! Yay, Girl Scouts! Yay, yay!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
FOR SALE: One Large Vagina Couch, Well Worn. 600 Bones or Best Offer.
Exactly what it says, is exactly what it is. I must state that it is worth a look...
So of course my door handle started working again yesterday, just in time for me to take it into the garage today.
Hello nice car guys, my door handle wasn't working, then was, then wasn't and now is.
Cars are tricky like that.
It is as though the inside door half and outside door half have become separated from each other.
Ok. I will take a look and call you.
Well it has been 2.5 hours and they haven't called back, which is confirming my suspicion that my car is some kind of doomsday device of Dr. Who-esque origin and I have unwittingly caused the demise of my awesome car dudes. Which sucks because they are kind of cute and can fix cars and what else does a single gal need in a man?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Office Depot Girl: *immense amounts of static as though I am calling Sri Lanka* Thank you for calling Office Depot Customer Service! How can I provide you with excellent service today?
Grumpy Quiana Whose Car Was Frozen Solid this Morning: I ordered some headphones I'd like to return.
ODG: Order number?
ODG: Were they defective?
GQWCWFSTM: No, they just sucked.
ODG: So they didn't work?
GQWCWFSTM: Mostly not. Mostly they just sounded staticy and thumpy. And they were made for people with giant heads.
ODG: *possible theatrical sigh* Thumpy?
GQWCWFSTM: Yes, they thumped.
ODG: *silence* Alright then, (clearly typing) defective.
GQWCWFSTM: This pair is probably not really defective, I'm sure they all suck.
ODG: *silence* Someone will call you back to complete this return shortly.
So now some lady calls me and her phone has even worse static and she tells me I can throw these out. That's weird right? I'm in some kind of Twilight Zone where everyone has a huge head and it is cheaper to have people throw out your faulty product than return it to the manufacturer.
Dude. Look at this, they are so unevenly weighted that one rides lower than the other. And I look like robot Princess Leia.
Help me Sri Lankan Office Depot Lady, you're my only hope!
Sorry for the low quality cell phone pic.
Monday, January 14, 2008
News Flash: Universe Still a Mystery
Check out the chalk board on today's Questionable Content.
And a bonus non-link item:
This morning my car door handle worked. This is because it is trying to trick me into canceling my appointment at Andy's Auto. This will never work. So there, car.
Friday, January 11, 2008
My mechanic can’t see me until Wednesday, so until then if you see a petite woman clamoring into a blue Mercury, please refrain from laughing and pointing.
I crossed a few things (holy crap! I bought silverware) off of my 101 list and I am pretty excited about that. Next month I intend to go the Aquarium, if you want to come too let me know.
I ordered wireless headphones for work so that I won’t be forced to actually kill any of my noisy coworkers and they are here and good heavens, they are HUGE! They didn’t look huge in the picture, but now I realize that the model was a giant black man, and I am not a giant black man. When I wear these I feel like a disenfranchised club kid. You just don’t understand me!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
But I did something weird and maybe stupid and out of character (no, not another Norrissing): I googled my dad. And now I'm a downer, so brace yourselves.
My dad wasn't around when I was a kid. He wasn't really a deadbeat; the checks always came, but they were small and uncertain. I don't want to mischaracterize a man I barely know, but what I most strongly remember was the month that he called to tell us that we would not be receiving a check because he wanted to take my brother to Disney World and couldn't swing child support too. At that time we could barely swing food.
I can only remember two of his visits (maybe there were only two, I don't know, my memory is notoriously crap).
One was when he came out to Vegas on an unrelated-to-me trip and we went to Circus Circus and I showed him my awesome hoop shooting skills. I didn't know at the time, but I guess dad gambled a bit more than he should have on that trip and found himself in a very tight spot.
The other was when he told me he would come for my high school graduation. And actually did. My father was filled with promises when I was a child, but never came through on any of them- except this one. He showed up at my uncle's house while I was at the beach. No warning. I just received a call telling me to hurry over because my dad was there with my brother. He came to my graduation and was mad when I went to the all night party afterwards with my cousin instead of to dinner with him. He didn't understand that my Auntie had paid for me to go and that to me $60 was a lot of money. When I got home that morning he had already left to take my brother camping in BC. It was just another vacation to him. He didn't even leave me a voicemail.
So years later when I called him and told him that I couldn't keep announcing my life on fancy stationary and wondering if or when he would show, I was surprised when he told me he would buy a ticket right then and meet me in Tokyo.
The next day I raced to the library to email him back (because I'm an idiot) and found he'd created this whole vacation around visiting me. That he, his wife (number unknown), and my brother were going to come over for a vacation tour of Japan, led by that other kid of his, the who speaks Japanese. I told him no. I told him that I would stop over in Indiana on my way back to Philly in the fall. That we could talk and bond (because I'm an idiot). He was insistent. I told him I'm not a tour guide, or some thing to brag about, but never have to be responsible for. He got angry. And I never talked to him again, which considering I hadn't spoken to him in nearly three years anyway was not much of a big deal.
I'm sometimes embarrassed when people ask about my dad, but whatever. It is as though he doesn't even exist. So now why would I wait 7 years and google him?
I don't know. I think maybe I'm a crazy person.
I hope my Norrissing and this act of the bizarre are unrelated, although I can't imagine how they can be. I'm sure a psych major would have a field day.
But maybe this is just part of having an estranged parent. Maybe I'm just stupid and want to reconnect with someone who has never been good to me in order to suffer more abuse- that seems nice and girly.
Or maybe a secret longing to forgive him, that comes with the realization that we all make mistakes and it has been a long time.
Anyway, I feel dumb. Dumb for caring. Dumb for even contemplating something that is the first step to exposing myself to the possibility of being hurt again. Just dumb.
I did find him. His pictures on some sports website. He looks good; I'm glad. I guess he quit distance running and has re-devoted himself to competing at mixed martial arts (ala ultimate fighting). He has some impressive guns for a 50 year old.
A new phone system was installed at work and now we have holding music. It is New Age music with synthesized drums, bells, and keyboards.
I am on hold; it is hurting my brain.
When I’m on hold I expect Celine Dion or Michael Bolton. This will shock you all, but I would welcome a little My Heart Will Go On. I’ve been on hold 3 minutes and there is no sign that this music will ever end. Perhaps it is one of those endless loop songs. For hippies.
Oh God. I think it is a loop. It has been 6 minutes. My brain is melting out my ears and I am dying. This is a terrible thing to do to a person.
Do dooby dooby doo. Do dooby dooby doooooooooooo.
This music probably originated in
Years from now when we release our POW’s they will go back to
God, it has been 10 minutes. Oh here she is! I’m off hold! Just in time, I was about to cut off my ears.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Sunday, January 06, 2008
You created the foundation for your assault over the years of our “friendship” (if you can call being hit on, stared at, and begged for sex* a friendship.) It was when I stupidly accepted a ride with you a week ago (thinking other friends would be riding with us) and you yelled at me in the car for hooking up with some other person (with whom I did not hook up) that I got angry. It wasn't that you besmirched my unblemished reputation as a lady, it is that you sincerely were offended that I would have sex with someone and wouldn't with you. That you were so interested in something so completely unrelated to you as people-that-I-would-actually-have-sex-with made no sense what so ever.
The framework for your injury was erected at the bar when you repeatedly pestered me to view a fat chick in little pants. This may come as a shock to you, but laughing and pointing at strangers in a bar on Aurora is neither a brilliant idea, nor is it in my style to openly and cruelly mock strangers. When I grabbed your hand to cause you to stop waving it in my face and you attempted to pull some man bullshit by proving that you are stronger than me, I decided that I would never again exert myself to pretend to like you. I could have gotten my hand free, but I didn't want to crawl down to your level by actually hurting you- yet.
The actual idea that I might have to cause you physical harm wasn't solidified until you told me that you thought it was kind of hot that I had put on some extra weight. I've always thought that it was pretty scummy when a guy puts a girl down in order to use her insecurities to manipulate her into bed, but when this tactic was actually used on me I was so shocked that I didn't take immediate action. It wasn't until you poked at my side for the 5th or so time that I recalled that I would have to tell you to stop it. I did and you didn't stop it. I told you that I was serious and you didn't seem to believe me. So I said don't touch me, but you didn't seem to believe that I was angry (which is partly my fault because I am so very quiet when I am very angry). Well, you didn't believe me until you leaned across my friend to jab me (for the 20th time) and then I grabbed your hand, pulled you close, and bent your finger all the way back while whispering “if you touch me again I will break all your fingers.”
You didn't seem to be terribly upset by my harming you (certainly less upset than when you thought it was unfair that I slept with Bob and wouldn't sleep with you) so I'm sure this is one of those no harm no foul sort of deals. I do, however feel obligated to mention that I actually will break your fingers or worse (probably worse, actually) if you touch me again. It is true, I have put on weight, and it is also true that you are stronger than me; but what you should be aware of is that I am trained in martial arts and I do not have to fight like a man. If you so much as touch my shoulder you will be clutching your crushed testes and wishing you had your teeth back.
So now, where was I? Oh yes. I am deeply sorry that I lost my temper with you. I very rarely do so and rarer still have I resorted to actual physical violence. I shouldn't have done so, it was inappropriate, and I am deeply ashamed.
This note has gotten long, so to summarize my points from above:
1. I am sorry.
2. But you deserved it (because...)
3. You are a dick.
4. I have never considered sleeping with you.
5. I will continue to not sleep with you.
6. I will no longer attempt to hide my loathing for you.
7. If you touch me again they will never find enough pieces of your body to send home to your parents in a standard envelope.
*Only by the grace of God did you survive your last birthday party, in which you begged me to sleep with you about 20 times in the 10 minute ride required to unceremoniously roll your disgusting carcass to the curb in front of your home.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
This reminds me of when we caught the garage on fire deep frying a turkey. I mean, I read somewhere that that can happen.
Alternate title: Nature Attacks from Beyond the Grave!
In other scary news, I have the song Faith stuck in my head. Good times.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
I find it totally fascinating to watch human creations go back to nature.
I'm pretty excited about the World without People special on the History Channel which is supposed to show us what would happen if humans were to suddenly disappear from the earth. It is on 1/21, but that is all the information Google can get me.
PS- Thanks History Channel for plaguing me with commercials that don't tell me any useful information. Oh and you know, also the having nothing about it on your website is an *awesome* way to convince me to watch your show.