Sunday morning I fetched Kim from her friend's house, stopped by Tim's, and went to the enormous Asian mall in Richmond where I procured a ton of crap I don't need including:
Garbage can in shape of pig.
Sticky notes featuring a mouse driving a wedge of cheese with "Cheese Driving" emblazoned along the top in a jaunty font. (Sidenote: jaunty font is a very fun phrase to say aloud.)
Straws featuring giraffes and space shuttles. (Shhhhhhh! Do not tell my roommate that I bought more straws.)
Kiwi fruit candy.
(I did not purchase the Doraemon Steering Wheel Cover that I coveted, as I did not know the size of my steering wheel. I think I will get a Totoro one on ebay instead. Or maybe Mario Bros.)
We arrived at the border at 1 something and sat and sat and sat. In fact we counted two (2!) nose pickers. We also learned that the Duty Free store pipes music outside. Music chosen to encourage large amounts of alcohol purchasing? C+C Music Factory. (This was either on loop or C + C Music Factory has the longest songs in musical history. It was like watching the Ring Cycle, but with nose picking and heavy base.)
The line was moving so slowly that a guy actually refused to turn his car back on to creep forward and instead would hop out and push every few minutes. I suggested that Kim get out and push our car, but she seemed utterly unconcerned with the fate of the polar ice caps. (Sorry polar bears, you have to drown because Kim does not care.)
Eventually we made our way towards the front of our line, only to find that our lane was being merged into the other lane at the border and in spite of the fact that we ended up next to the same truck we started next to, I had drive all Philly style to cut into the other lane. (This is because people who drive F350's without a hitch are actually enormous assholes.)
At long last we got to the front (at 3ish) and experienced a fairly normal crossing until the following exchange:
Large Stern Looking Boarder Guard: You bringing anything back with you?
Q: Just snacks.
LSLBG: [handing us our papers] Ok, have a gr.... Wait what kind of snacks? Ya'll don't mean ecstasy do you, cause I don't want you to get past here and then when you get down there be all 'we told the border guard we had snacks' [impression replete with falsetto].
Q: Uhmmmmmmm. No, ketchup chips and candy.
LSLBG: Ok then, have a safe trip.
Q: Ok. Thanks. [To Kim] Barooooo?