Monday, December 15, 2008

Dear Workplace,

Please do not believe that because I (1) love Christmas and (2) am in a slow work week that I would like to organize a last-minute divisional potluck.

You see, coworkers, a potluck cannot occur at the last minute. I don't know about you, but I have every remaining moment of free time prior to Christmas double scheduled and the remaining time I plan to devote to:
1. making cookies for people I don't hate
2. drinking heavily and watching the 27 Christmas specials I have painstakingly Tivo'd
3. Repeating zen mantras to get me through the holidays

Furthermore you don't understand potlucks. A potluck is where people cook (NOT buy something from the QFC deli). Where potlucking responsibilities are carefully planned out so that the appropriate amount and type of food is procured and cooked AT HOME. Otherwise you have cake on the breakroom counter for over a week. (Do not act like you don't know what I'm talking about. This morning I threw out some crappy store bought cake from last TUESDAY.)

Additionally, I need time to prepare for events where I have to pretend to have fun. It takes HOURS of time in front of a mirror practicing appropriate facial expressions for responses to such conversational topics as:
-Useless single men you know (elbow eh eh eh)
-Unresearched political beliefs
-Your pets and the hi-larious things they do
-Why things now are not as awesome as twenty years ago
-Your children, any topic, but for example pooping or how they pronounce various words
-The da Vinci Code, Harry Potter, Twilight, or whatever book fad is striking those who don't read for fun

Your alternate plan during the economic downturn is to go to a fancy restaurant where we will each buy our own lunch. Thanks, superiors who make 2-4 times what I make, I would love to go to a seafood restaurant (blech) and pay $25 for salmon and sit with people I'm forced to pretend to like 40 hours a week. Being coerced to attend and pay for holiday events makes me filled with Ho Ho Holiday Spirit!

Things I would rather do than chase you around with a potluck sign in sheet:
1. Sex with Carrot Top.
2. Spider bathing.
3. Actual death by chocolate.

So to conclude, BA HUMBUG. (But only at work, at home it is all, let's make rum balls and watch Nestor the Long Eared Christmas Donkey.)


Ferretnick said...

I love Nestor The Long Eared Christmas Donkey!
I haven't seen that in a while!

qtilla said...

ABC Family. Thanks Tivo!

Dr. Zoltar said...

I'm being pestered by the in-laws to play Santa at one of their two Christmas parties on Saturday. I'm guessing I'm being repeatedly asked because 1) I'm chubby 2) have a big booming voice and 3) the only male spry enough to pass out the gifts because I'm considerably younger than most of the other guests. It wouldn't be so bad if the Santa suit wasn't from 1970 and cost $30 at JC Pennies.

qtilla said...

I see a luxury santa suit in your future!