Thursday, October 12, 2006

I enjoy being a girl.

Having fasted for 15 hours, peed in a cup, endured a cholesterol pinprick, hearing my weight, having 2 shots, and the removal of 5 vials of blood, calling me a wuss during my pap, was a bit much for me.

Let me ask you, Lady Doctor, do they make a larger set of cooch attacking hardware? Do they also make them colder? That would be great.

No amount of relaxing, is going to make this less awkward. I don’t really like strangers tinkering with my lady machinery. Least of all 55 year old women with giant forceps (is that what you call those?). I assure you that no penis is quite that large-- not that I’m taking an international survey. I promise my lady bits are most unfamiliar with being peered and prodded at anxiously by cold metal probe wielding strangers (in spite of my serial dating) and women (even though I did go to Bryn Mawr).

Yes, Lady Doctor, I do recognize that my snoosh could probably fit, oh say, a guinea pig and a junior league soccer ball. However, I am not about to join the Rodent Junior Athletics League. Your kind suggestion that perhaps I should put more things up there more often will be carefully considered before rejection. I am not suffering from a psychological problem having to do with being touched in the crotchal region. I am just 4 days away from my waxing appointment and shy about strangers fussing about in my stuff. I am certainly not used to having bachellorette party prop size tongs in my cooter.

So once a year I get to be a pansy as long as it involves giant metal tongs, strangers, and my hoohaw. And you will just have to live with it.



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