Tuesday, July 19, 2005

that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it

*WARNING: Brothers of roommate, herein may lie a vicious overshare capable of rendering you completely unable to look at your sister without thinking of her sex life. Have fun with that.

Last week in a fit of bitterness I decided to not purchase the fancy piece of kitchen equipment I had been planning to buy my roommate for her wedding. She had been acting like, well, a complete pain in my ass for the last couple months and I decided her gift would be under twenty dollars. It was then that I realized what the girl who has every imaginable kitchen gadget in the world, yet can’t make pasta would need: nothing. Let’s be honest, who are weddings for? How about the wedding registry items? How many guys care about their dishware? You know who is getting all the gifts? My roommate. Poor fiancé didn’t get anything, so I decided to get him the one thing he would actually want: a sex life.

Having never had sex before, my roommate was justifiably nervous and knowing her, if sex was uncomfortable, her poor husband would never be allowed to touch her with “that thing” again. I figured the best way for me to ensure that the poor guy got to have sex twice was to discuss lubrication with my roommate.

Eeep! That being utterly impossible I decided to just buy her a nice bottle of lube and assume she was innocently unaware of such things. Yet lube is scary stuff sometimes… have you seen a bottle of AstroGlide? “Now in Cherry Flavor!” Incidentally, does that bug anyone else? Cherry?!? Flavor??? Anyway, I brow-beat a friend of a friend into accompanying me to the XXX Hollywood Erotic Boutique, conveniently located two blocks north of me to purchase a bottle of their finest lube. After buying what was described to me as the “lubricant, preferred by most gay men” I noticed that lube, even in a cute ergonomically shaped bottle, could still be scary. (Don’t ask me how this friend knew statistics on homosexual lubricant preferences… but we went shoe shopping later. That’s all I am saying….)

Then it hit me: the Bedazzler. Once in a fit of drunken stupidity (known as “college”) we got wasted and were watching QVC. Well about two weeks later every imaginable infomercial product began arriving on our doorsteps. George Forman grills by the score (in complimentary colors), a food dehydrater, a phone in the shape of SpiderMan, the entire Bevis and Butthead DVD set, a chopper thingy and one top of the line Bedazzler. All returned except the DVDs which I Ebayed. I would bedazzle the bottle. Using lace and rhinestones leftover from previous craft projects I designed a total makeover for my roommy’s lube.

Unfortunately I couldn’t find my glue gun. Shrugging off that minor setback I opted to use super glue. And I swear that is how I ended up super gluing myself to that bottle of personal lubricant.

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