Damn it! Say MY name, bitch.

I understand that I have a difficult to pronounce name, and if you mispronounce it, I will POLITELY correct you. But people seem incapable of even mispronouncing my name. It is apparently so traumatic to the average individual that they will change my name to an entirely different name.

Example 1: Scene- My cube, I am typing and a man approaches.
Man: I’m looking for Juanita.
Me: visibly cringing with the inward knowledge that I will turn out to be Juanita. There isn’t a Juanita in this department; but what do you need help with?
Man: Project of Doom paperwork.
Me: I handle that paperwork, my name is QUIANA. (pronounced quite clearly)
Man: Well, Juanita...

Example 2: I sent a letter to a woman asking her to properly fill out her Project of Doom paperwork (which I returned with instructions for completion—including the instruction “please sign on the line that says ‘signature’”).
The letter and incomplete paperwork came back:
Dear Susan, I am certain that I filled out this paperwork completely and correctly in spite of my lack of reading comprehension skills. Please go to a lot of effort to prove me wrong even though I can’t manage to read your name off of the memo upon which it was TYPED. PS- I make more money than you do in spite of the fact that I am a complete idiot. How’s that $120,000 education treating you, fatty?

SUSAN?! SUSAN?!!!!
Damn it all to hell.

I’ve even started going by the name my family calls me: KIKI. You would think Kiki would be a cute and simple name, but no.

Example 3: Today at Starbucks
Me: May I have a Grande Nonfat Chai Latte? Thanks.
Barista 1: Your name?
Me: Kiki
Barista 1: What?
Me: Kiki, K I K I.
Barista: ok

Later:
Barista 2: “drink up for uhm, kih, whatever, grande nonfat chai.”

So which should I go by ‘uhm,’ ‘whatever,’ ‘kih,’ ‘grande,’ ‘nonfat’ (blatant false advertising), or ‘chai?’ ‘Chai’ has its appeal, it is pseudo ethnic sounding at least.

Example 4:
Now, today I discovered a cool new art website/web comic:
http://www.chrisyates.net/reprographics/
I liked it A LOT, so I sent him a very brief ‘good stuff’ type email. He replied:

I appreciate your kind words, Colleen. I aim to please.

-Chris

WHAT?! Colleen?!? Damn you Chris, don't please this Colleen person. PLEASE ME.
WAIT, AM I COLLEEN?!?!

I signed the email “q.” which would be very not how you spell Colleen. Oh don’t worry, I know he got it from the poetry that I use as a ‘signature’ at the end of my emails:

On days when she smelled like a muffin, he found her cute and charming. He'd say,
"You smell like a muffin." He'd say, "Muffin Head."
On days when she didn't smell like a muffin, he wasn't sure he loved her at all.
Muffin Head by Colleen Marlow

I guess it could have been worse, he could have thought my name was Muffin Head.