Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Married Man At Work, You Suck at Adultery

One would think that inviting me out for drinks after work, only to have me tell you I am busy every time would become discouraging after 2 YEARS. I understand tenacity. As a child I played Castlevania until I kicked that vampire’s evil undead ass, even though it took me weeks and weeks. But Married Man At Work, your determination to trick me into an adulterous relationship with you is quite inspiring.

However, I think that the effort which you so recently put into leaning on my desk and peering down my shirt could be put towards, oh I don’t know, your work…. Here is a list of thoughts that I'd love to put up on the server:

1. You are not that good looking anymore. While I am sure you were dead sexy in your twenties, now you are in your early 40’s and you’ve turned into a kinda pudgy dad type with an eerily trendy haircut. While I’m sure you used to bat in the majors you were booted back to the minors some time ago.

2. Quit showing me pictures of your adorable daughters in a ploy to make me like you more. Good daddies don’t sleep with girls from work behind mommies backs. I’d hate for your youngest daughter’s first sentence to include the phrases “lying cheating sack of shit” or “stupid whore.”

3. If you are trying to get a girl drunk don’t tell her in advance that you are going to “drink her under the table.”

4. Telling me that I can crash at your place if I get "wasted" because “the wife is out of town,” tipped me off to your questionable intentions fairly early on.

5. While from your perspective as a 40 something year old man I am a wee na├»ve little doe of 24, in reality, I am a grown woman. I am actually worldly and intelligent enough to figure out what you are up to. Additionally, such phrases as “if I was your age” do tend to highlight the two decade age difference.

6. You suck at your job. You do. We have the SAME JOB and I am 24. And I do it better than you do. If we worked in the private sector, you’d be fired for incompetence. I’m looking for a guy who is diligent and hardworking. The kind of man that if we were married and I lost my job or got pregnant could support his family.

7. I’m pretty sure that you’ve noticed that there are only 5 attractive women under 35 in the office. Of course I’m only sure of this because the 5 of us enjoy commiserating about having to deal with you all the time. Has it honestly never occurred to you that in addition to sexual services, women’s mouths can be used to speak to each other?

8. You’re married. You even wear a ring; way to not be sneaky! While I am not focused on getting married anytime soon, I’d like to only date men that I COULD marry. You know if I fell in love with them, and the sex was good, and they asked.

9. Clearly, you are dishonest. I’m sure when your surprisingly pretty wife asks what you did today you don’t tell her you spent about ten minutes looking down my shirt and begging me to hang out with you. I prefer honest men, the kind that only lie when I ask them if I look fat in these pants.

10. I think I may be smarter than you. You can't even get your adulterous relationship started, something that 50% the Simple Life watching married idiots of America can manage. You don’t read and I know for a fact that you watch Survivor. You didn’t vote in the last election, even though the funding for your program was on the ballot. I like smart men. If a man can discuss foreign policy, history, literature, indie music, and the Fantastic Four, I will pretty much jump him. Hell, if he can discuss even two of those things I'd still jump him.

So, to conclude, I will NEVER hang out with you because you are boring, old, dishonest, not terribly bright, and incompetent. I will never touch you because you are MARRIED- even if you weren’t married, you are still dishonest, boring, old, ugly, incompetent, and not terribly bright. I’m also not stupid enough to sleep with someone from work or slutty enough to sleep with a virtual stranger. The closest I would ever come to touching you would be if the next time you looked down my shirt you got too excited and had a heart attack and someone needed to flip over your body to check for your pulse. And even then I would have reservations.

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