Dear Cow,
Sure, we had our day in the sun. Yesterday I felt magically transformed by your sassy top sirloin and the sexy bacon burger and kabobs that followed. Perfectly cooked and well seasoned, you were a beautiful thing to behold. But come evening, where was the blissful feeling of satisfaction? Where were you, Cow, as I rolled around in agony? Were you there to hold my hand, Cow, or was that you assaulting my digestive system?
I know it’s hard for you to understand; but last night I watched Club Dread and realized that the intense nausea and stomach pain wasn’t just the most obvious side-effect of watching that movie; but in fact was you, Cow. As I lay there feeling as though you might erupt from my stomach Pinatubo style—I knew it was over.
I can’t deny that I’m attracted to you, and I know there will be times when I come running back for a cheeseburger during happy hour or a tiny filet mignon wrapped in succulent bacon on a date; but Cow, you and I are through.
I’m sorry to hurt you this way and I hope you understand that I’m doing this for the both of us.
Be strong for me, Cow.
q.
Dear Pig,
I know you’re upset about these rumors you may have heard, and you have every right to be upset. But that thing with Cow, that meant nothing to me. Cow is nothing to you Pig. I guess I was just confused- this Cow did come with bacon. Really it was the bacon that convinced me to have the Cow in the first place. You know I lose all control around bacon. When I was with Cow, all I could think of was you, Pig. I know it will be a while before you can forgive me, but I think things can go back to the way they were. I know I may have lost your trust, but I’ve got a twice baked potato and nice spinach salad at my place if you want to come over tonight, and I swear I’ll make it up to you….
With Undying Affection,
q.
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