Thursday, July 07, 2005

I am too a patriot you fat yuppie breeder

Mommy, what’s a patriot?
Well, Bobby, a patriot is someone who puts a yellow ribbon on the back of their car and defends everything the president does and says, because he’s our President and thus completely infallible!

Now, in answer to the unasked question, Dear Readers, yes, I have finally had it with the post 9/11 patriotism extravaganza. No, fat yuppie breeder at work, I will not buy a magnetic ribbon proclaiming that I support troops for my American Vehicle. Why? Well, since I have to work with you I will tell you that I think bumper stickers are tacky and ineffective. Which is true. However, fat yuppie breeder at work, the honest to God truth is that I am not actively supporting troops. I’m not. I have not sent one letter, one cookie, or one piece of body armor to any troops at all. I have allowed many to buy me beer and firmly believe that they would get laid (which they didn’t), does that count? I think that’s incredibly supportive of me.

In fact I am super-supportive of lots of things:

Things I support:
Abortion Rights
10 Commandments where ever the hell people feel like throwing them
Several comic book companies
Right to Die/euthanasia
The liquor makers of the world
Fiscal conservatism
The Democratic Party (although I’m quite frankly at a loss as to why at this point)
Death Penalty
Stem-cell research
The Boys and Girls Club
Indian gaming
Gay marriage
Public Radio
Books for Crooks (reading materials for inmates)
Public Television
Local stores and bands whenever possible

It’s not that I want to be unsupportive, or that I lack the desire to send letters of comfort and support to our troops. I appreciate the work that our military does. I am not a peace-monger. I would love to support the troops, but somehow I feel that your magnetic ribbon fails to do that. I’m also willing to put money down that you don’t support the troops at all. I’d bet that while your ribbon says "support our troops" it’s really saying: “support whatever the government says is right at the time.” I certainly don’t agree with that.

So I guess in fairness, I am a very super-unsupportive person too:

Things I do NOT support:
Chinese Magnetic Ribbon Manufacturers
Bad foreign policy
Anyone blindly
Bad fiscal policy
Legalization of Pot
Artificial raspberry flavoring
MFN for China
Fruitless warfare
Bovine Growth Hormone
Non-organic farming
Juvenile incarceration
Making flag burning illegal

BUT let me be clear, I am a HUGE patriot. One of the wonderful things that I love about America is the freedom. The freedom to vote, to protest, to fair trial, to hold our own religious beliefs- all without persecution- now that is some cool shit. Being a patriot is doing your duty towards your county and exercising your rights. Refusing to buy a bumper sticker that makes false claims about my beliefs does not make me unpatriotic.

Let’s look at unpatriotic acts:
Disagreeing with government policy can be unpatriotic- if the policy is constitutional.
Agreeing with government policy can be unpatriotic- if the policy is unconstitutional.
Uninformed voting is unpatriotic.
Not voting is unpatriotic.
Ruining the land or killing American people is unpatriotic.
Not paying taxes is unpatriotic.
Refusing to follow your military orders is unpatriotic.
Dodging the draft is unpatriotic.
Dodging jury duty is unpatriotic.

Quick and Dirty Patriot Quiz With Bonus Morality Questions(*):
Martin Luther King disagreed with the Government. Patriot or not? Right or Wrong*?
Susan B. Anthony disagreed with the Government. Patriot or not? Right or Wrong*?
Millions of Germans agreed with their Nazi Party led government and millions of people died. Patriots or not? Right or Wrong*?
Millions of Germans did not agree with their government Nazi Party led and did/could not stop it. Patriots or not? Right or Wrong*?

Well, that’s enough of this political nonsense for a bit (I hope). I promise I’ll be back to talking about poo, shopping, and sex starting tomorrow.

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