Gas. Brake. Gas. Gas. Brake. Gas. Brake. Brake HARD. GasBrake.

After listening to NPR today I was meditating on gas use. $3.16 a gallon in LA. $3 even here in Seattle. All this time I have been thinking I want a Prius. I don’t want a stinking Prius. I don’t want to go 2 miles per hour, gliding silently like a ghost with the hiccups. I want a train system. I want to walk a few blocks to a train station, swipe a card and get on. I want it to run from Everett to Olympia. I want to be able to go from my door to downtown Seattle in 15 minutes every damn day. I don’t want to park or pay to park. I don’t want to ever give another foreign cab driver directions. I just want to get on a train and go. I don’t give a damn if it is on ground, above ground, or below ground but I very strongly believe that I shouldn’t be stuck in traffic for 45 minutes to go the 15 miles to Lynnwood at 6 o’clock on a Sunday. If I need to buy one object out there in the world, I want to hike over to the station, wait for a train, and go. I don’t want to waste gas and time taking my car to go buy a $2 bottle of nutmeg.
I hate you Seattle and your unhelpful obsession with monorailing and unmonorailing.

Suckling at the teat of the interweb

The best thing I have ever read came up at random on Wikipedia today.
Seriously. Ok Ok, fine, when I read in the Washington Post that Dick Cheney shot a man in the face, that was the best thing ever.
But "S. A. Andrée's Arctic balloon expedition of 1897" was hilarious. If you're a bastard. Which I am.

Raaaaawwwwr….

Lately I’ve been frustrated with my dear friend Steve, because he just isn’t as attentive as he could be. I send an email and it may become sucked into some sort of electronic black hole. So I sent him a message he couldn’t ignore.
Netflix has this fascinating feature where you can add your friends to a list a send them suggestions, share ratings, and spy on their queues. It helpfully told me that my buddy Steve rated a few movies a bit differently than most people. For example, Short Circuit = 2 stars for everyone else, but 5 stars for Steve. It also shows you the reverse..... You would think that Netflix wouldn’t allow you to suggest a movie to someone who has already seen it and given it 1 star. But they do.
I hope you enjoy your suggested film!

Pretty Woman!

"Plot:" Looking for directions to his Beverly Hills hotel, millionaire corporate raider Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) crosses paths with Hollywood hooker Vivian Ward (Julia Roberts) and hires her as his "date" for a week. Vivian gets swept into a fantasy realm of room service and boutique shopping on Rodeo Drive, and what starts as a business contract turns into much more. Can the poor prostitute and rich industrialist live happily ever after?

Tagline: She walked off the street, into his life and stole his heart.
As opposed to regular prostitutes that steal your wallet but leave you with The Syph.

Actual Reviews from Netflix Users:
“Aaaaw, nothing says Love like a hooker trying to bag a rich guy... which, I assume, is why Ebert found this flick so sweet: he empathizes. Dude, retire and take Roberts with you.”

“This is a great first date movie fellas, by which of course I mean great to gauge your date's reaction. If your girl thinks that a prostitute ceases to be a prostitute after a makeover, and that refusing to kiss despite a willingness to fellate for money is somehow redeeming and intensely romantic, then you can go right on ahead and hit the ejector seat. Or you can pay her, promise her a makeover NEXT time and get out of the car. Just don't smooch her on the mouth, lest you insult her sense of morality.”

“I've always loved this movie, and after seeing the 10th Anniversary edition of the DVD - and watching all the extra bonus footage [I presume this bonus footage wasn’t of Julia Robets fellating truckers and taking it in the butt], I really love it more now. Who cares if it's all about something that normally doesn't happen in everyday life [Really? You’re shitting me.]. It was still a great "fantasy" to watch. [Yes, a great fantasy of mine is to peddle my orifices for money in the hopes that a man 20 years older than me will pity me and buy me ludicrous hats.] A woman who didn't really enjoy her job and wanted to change herself, and got to thanks to people who could really help her - and not her drug-addicted friend in the movie. [Because drug addicted hookers are stupid and useless, not like perky hookers and rich men. Stay off drugs-- but on your knees, kids!!!!]"

“What woman wouldn't love this fairy tale? I'm not a big Richard Gere fan, but this movie made me like him. [Oh golly, what woman doesn’t enjoy being shown that if she’s lucky someone will swoop in and have her suck cock for free for the rest of her life!]"

“Well done and tasteful [there were far fewer scenes of Julia Roberts shooting up or crying in the shower than there could have been] but still very funny [Still funny? Would shooting up scenes made it funnier? Actually, yes.] . Makes you feel like it could be you. [If I were a prostitute.]"

“There is nothing much to say about this movie...... if you still believe in disney's 'wish upon a star' just rent this movie and you see that dreams can come true - it's just one of this 'feel good' movies that's made once in a while. [I totally remember that part, you know, where Pinocchio is peddling his wooden ass on the street, but then Jiminy Cricket picks him up and makes him a real boy, I mean Man, I mean... wait what? Oh no, I was wrong that was from the Silly Symphony where Minnie is walking the street for cheese and takes up with Mickey even though EVERYBODY in Hollywood knows he’s gay. ]"

Anticccciiiiiiipation

According to wwtdd.com:
J.J. Abrams directs Star Trek movie - J.J. Abrams, the creator of 'Lost' and 'Alias' and the director of 'Mission Impossible III', was announced today to produce and direct the next 'Star Trek' movie for a release in 2008. It will be written by Abrams and his partners, and focus on the early days of James T. Kirk and Mr. Spock, including their first meeting at Starfleet Academy and first mission. With Abrams at the helm, this should fulfill every fan boys dream, as long as their dream was to have a 'Star Trek' movie that's brilliant for about an hour and then rambling and unfocused and boring. Yea!

Actually this is exciting news coming out in time for: the 40th Aniversity of Star Trek (first aired on September 8, 1966). The big celebration is here in Seattle this year. I'm kind of tempted to go, but it is WAY too expensive! I was raised on STTNG.











Actually this part was quite touching, you remember, when Wesley Crusher graduated from the Academy and got his own uniform and everything! There was all that hugging, and crying, and kissing the TV....


Or maybe that was just me.

Maybe I should volunteer. That might be fun.

Let me know if you want to join.

Anyone?

Hellooooooo? Where is everyone?

Ok, Ok, Ok,

Fine, I admit yesterday’s entry was not entirely fair, but it just burns my buttons. Sure the Hotel Rwanda character Rusesabagina was a probably a greater man than the real Rusesabagina, but one of the articles I read went on at length about how he “didn’t really want to help” or “didn’t do enough.” Nobody “wants” to endanger themselves or their families for the sake of others. Part of sacrifice is to fight against what you want to do. He didn’t have to take in all those people. But he did. I believe that risking your life and future livelihood for a couple thousand strangers is a lot. I don’t know what “enough” would be.
In a country where neighbors, co-workers, church brothers, and strangers slaughtered each other to broadcast music chanting ‘kill them, kill them, kill them’ saving even one person is “enough.” Hell, not chopping people up with a machete is probably a big step in the right direction.
Nobody in Rwanda could have stopped what happened at that point, but a few million people in America, Canada, or Europe could have. Making these movies may remind some of us that real people (not dark savages) are fighting and dieing and we can stop it, even though we don't have to.
I don't want to be the world police and it makes me frustrated that the world treats the US like their cousin who won the lottery; but in 1994 I was surfing in Hawaii, not being raped and slaughtered in the street.

Dear Rwanda,

Get a clue. America does not care about you. They didn’t care in 1994 and they are only marginally interested now because of the score of films that have been created. I’m terribly sorry that these fictional films are not accurate. Perhaps you think we should go back to the not giving a shit?
Quit complaining. This is bringing more attention to the plight of Africa. Attention and money. Which I am sure you are not turning down.
I’m sorry about what happened. All of it, Germany, Belgium and everything after. I really really am. I’m sorry for what happened in Liberia, and Nicaragua, and America, and Afghanistan too.
I’m sorry our movies cannot perfectly please everyone. I’m sorry that America doesn’t fly around like Superman to right injustices.
But I’m really sorry that you are so shortsighted. Either get up on your own two feet and walk, or let the Americans come and film their movies and send you their shame money.
If you want to help Sudan and Chad, shut your mouths. We don’t owe you shit.

In other Devo news...

New (and HORRID) T-shirt design available:










Thank you interweb!

Purdy Pictures

Every time I go to a museum there seems to be one piece that just hangs with me. I find myself thinking about them years later. Invariably nobody else likes them, but I think I'll share two with you anyway.

The first is called Sine Cerere et Libero friget Venus or Without Ceres and Bacchus, Venus Would Freeze. It was painted between 1600 and 1603 by a Dutch man named Hendrick Goltzius. It is ink and oil- a very rare medium. It has the effect of an old book lithograph with actual fire coming from the canvas. It is warm and amazing. I first saw the painting on a date at the Philadelphia Museum of Art.



















The next is a self portrait by Degas. Degas (I'm sure you know) is most famous for oils and pastels of dancers. He also created amazing sculptures of dancers. I saw this small self portrait tucked away in a corner of the Getty Museum. It seems lifelike and I can't trace his expression. I love oil paintings.

I've had it up to here with you, Switzerland!

What's wrong Switzerland, no wars to abstain from? Lost your economic advantage?
You think you're soooooo cool; "we're neutral, above all your petty cares." You're not Quakers, you're pussies!
Well, have fun being the country where criminals hold their money. Good for you, very neutral. When Charles Taylor goes to jail, does his wife get the money? Or do you get a new pair of sneaks?
Now you are offering European woman a place to go oggle Swiss Wussy-boys while their husbands are busy watching football. I don't think it is nice to steal other nation's wives. And I know this sounds crazy, but many women all over the world love football and will be avidly following World Cup. Women like sports too... all those tight buns, I mean excellent uhm... goals... and stuff.
Shame on you Switzerland for.... hurrrr hurrrr hurrrr......















Uhm.... I've always wanted to go to Switzerland.

Poca-stinken-hontas

She gets her own movie and licensed plushes, but let’s discuss Pocahontas for just a minute. (Yes, Burke this is a slight departure from my Sacagawea diatribe but do bear with me.)

In 1607 John Smith set sail with a group of around 200 British sailors, settlers, and gentlemen on a race to beat Spain to settle North America. The men arrived poorly provisioned and in the command of inexperienced gentlemen, who funded the venture and were there to pan for gold in Chesapeake Bay. (Hint: there is NO gold in Chesapeake Bay.) They chose a location on an outcropping into where the James River met the bay and they named their settlement Jamestown.

Meanwhile Powhatan, the local Indian chieftan (Pocahontas’ dad) had heard a disturbing “premonition” from his medicine man. The man predicted that a great devil was mounting up to destroy his people and that the first attacks were coming soon. Powhatan who had enemy nations in the area poised his 1300 clansmen for battle.

A combination of disease (possibly the plague), famine, salt-polluted water, Spanish spies and Indian attack had resulted in rapid death in Jamestown. Within 4-6 months no gold was found and there were approximately 50 men (mostly) alive.

Finally John Smith decided to throw himself upon the mercy of the Indians. He approached them asking for food. Powhatan was very much leaning towards just killing them all. However, John Smith had brought glass beads for trade, and as it turns out Pocahontas had an eye for the shinies. Powhatan seeing Pocahontas’ interest in the beads considered what that could represent to the people and agreed to help John Smith out.

Of course later the Jamestown settlers kidnapped Pocahontas, baptized her, taught her English, renamed her Rebecca, and married her off to a white guy (even though she was already married). Not content to live only a portion of the future of the Native American People in 10 short years, Pocahontas took it upon herself to go to England in order to find the pox-filled blankets that the Jamestown settlers had neglected to bring and promptly died of TB or small pox at age 21(ish).

On the down side Pocahontas played her small part in creating a world where Kevin Federline can produce his own CD

(illegally sampling She Blinded Me with Science); on the up-side, she got a nice sneak-peak at what was coming.

My frustration erm... ripens.

This was how I felt this morning on my way to work.

And this is how work made me feel.

Grumble snort.

Now I'm hungry and I can't eat my snack because it keeps LOOKING at me.

Wilson? Willlllsooooooooooon.