Tuesday, January 10, 2006


I was just cat-sitting for a very nice coworker and friend of my aunt. She has a lovely apartment, sparse, but everything in it is top quality. She even has one of those fancy smart-foam mattresses. This mattress cost thousands of dollars. Now if you see the commercial you see that a blandly attractive woman can jump on one side of the bed and the walk over to pick up a glass of water on the other side of the bed… wait for it… the glass didn’t move the whole time she was jumping. Now what they didn’t show in the commercial is when the girl steps forward to get off the bed and sprains her ankle in the hole left by the glass of water in her hand.
I have a methodology to sleeping. When you are an insomniac you have to take extra care in all the little rituals. First I start out on my back, reading till sleepy, then flipping off the light. Now at a certain point I will want to adjust to sleep on my side like a sensible girl. However, when on a smart foam mattress the mattress forms around the curves of your body. Thus when you try to move the mattress is still in the shape of your curves, as they were positioned 15 seconds ago. 15 seconds doesn’t seem like a long time, but the depression in the mattress caused by my butt disappears at just a slow enough rate that I can’t flip over onto my side. Talk about depression. I turn over, but with nothing to support my hindquarters I just flop ineffectually back into the same position. I am trapped in my own butt divot.
I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to shell out 2 grand to buy a mattress that traps me in my own asshole.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is actually a very helpful post... we are currently shopping for a real bed and a real mattress, as opposed to the approximately 10-year-old futon that used to belong to my brother-in-law. Comments about smart foam are duly noted!