Dear "Pirate Captain",

I think you may not fully understand what pirating entails. You were probably excited about parrots, rum, and money. I understand that, I also like striped pants and saying "arg". But you may have gotten a romanticized view of pirating (did you see the Princess Bride?). You should blame the media for providing these liberal hippy-dippy portrayals of pirating as a professional career.

So let me set things straight for you. I am not going to sugar-coat this, pirating is dangerous work. For one thing, people will try to shoot you all the time. (This may be why pirating has gone out of fashion.) And I had not known this previously, but apparently pirating makes you get super self-righteous and confused.

When you kidnap a ship captain, hold him hostage for days and threaten to kill him, generally you don't get to call shenanigans when someone shoots your buddy. Now I don't make my living on the high seas, but I'm fairly certain that you set the level of discourse by showing up with a gun.

You say:

“Every country will be treated the way it treats us,” Abdullahi Lami, one of the pirates holding a Greek ship anchored in the pirate den of Gaan, a central Somali town, was quoted by The Associated Press as saying in a telephone interview. “In the future, America will be the one mourning and crying.”

It is a little late to be trying for the Golden Rule.

But here's the deal. You kidnap our guys and then in retaliation we'll just go to your town and kidnap some of your buddies. I think this is pretty reasonable.

Think about it, let us know.

Sincerely,
America