Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Revenge of the Herks


So last Saturday, as I lay in bed trying to forget my weekend (updates on that gem forthcoming) I was startled to hear the sounds of really loud herking. You may recall the freaky warning that I received from Peculiar Neighbor regarding noisy vomiting, I certainly did at the time.

Here is the basic scenario:

God my night blew. Could it actually have blown more? Not likely. Poor me. Boo hoo.


What the fuck was that?

Bleh... bleh... herk.

Mother of God! Jabba was right, he sounds like he's right outside my window.


What the fuck???

herk. splat. heeeerrrrrrk. spllllaaaaaat. HEEEEERRRRRRRK!!!!!! SPLATTTTTTT!!! sploosh sploosh.

Fuck. And I peep out my window. Double Fuck. That better not be a huge puddle of puke two feet from my window.

But alas, in the morning the Lake Superior and Lake Eerie of vomit had been lovingly placed before my window.

Before I continue, I think that it is important that I mention that I have had problems in the past with public herking. I used to live in a quite nice apartment a few years ago and there were several exciting tenants such as Ginormously Fat Loud Sex Guy. He lived with Skeezy Guy From My Gym and Surprisingly Nice Guy From The Loud Party Apartment. One Friday I returned from clubbing or whatnot quite late at night/early in the morning to find that someone (probably Ginormously Fat Loud Sex Guy) had nicely vomited out their slider. The vomit fell through their grated porch creating a two foot wide chunk/slime trail down my balcony window and splattering onto and through my porch and down the windows and porches of the three floors below me.

The next day I went to the office and politely related what had happened. They said "thanks for notifying us." I stared at them in disbelief.
"Is there anything else?"
"Yes, Actually. I want that vomit washed off of my window."
"Oh. Well, I guess we can have someone go out there or something."
"Ok, that sounds great. How about my porch and windows are cleaned, oh say... TODAY."
After that they were never friendly and were somehow shocked that the vomit incident and the multiple parties held across the courtyard where I was cat-called/ living on the same block as a project/ having my newspaper stolen every damn day/ the beer cans everywhere were reasons that I might not want to renew my lease....

Anyway, to avoid a repeat of that situation, I wrote a note to my manager that basically went thusly:


I'm sorry to bother you, but last night VERY late I was awakened by the noise of a man on a porch above vomiting onto the patio a foot from my window.

I desire two things:

1. I would like the vomit removed expeditiously.
2. I would like the vommitters discovered and notified of the inappropriateness of vomiting off their porch.

My apologies again, and thanks in advance.

I delivered the note and went to lunch with Monica. By the time Monica and I had arrived back at my house, post-lunch, the vomit was gone.

I left a nice note for the manager to thank him for his efficiency.

But keep this in mind, Mystery Puking Neighbor, the next time I hear herking outside my window I am going to run out in the courtyard and take a picture of you and post it on Craigslist.

PS- My high school mascot was Herky The Hawk.

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