More little hippo action!

Via CBS

Good news!

The sky did not fall.

I did not turn into Tony Shalhoub, as I had initially feared.

In fact, all is well. It turned out that pie, Monday night TV, and knitting were the only things needed to perk me right up.

Now I can go straight back to my normal irrational fears of raccoons, squirrels, things with more than four legs, men wearing striped shirts and spiked hair who talk to me in bars, the government and its frustrating ineptitude, and becoming my mother.

And now for your viewing pleasure:
a highly sedated lemur

Local blogger too tired to think of smarty-pantsness

So cute, so extremely cute!

Going back to Cali

So I leave for California at the crack of dawn tomorrow for a week-long 3 prong vacation (during which you will likely be update-less).

My cousin and I are starting in Lake Tahoe at her parent's lake house, then spending a bit of time at their ranch outside of Sacramento to ride horses and visit relatives, then to San Francisco to see my cousin's new apartment and do the museum thing.

I am very interested in the Cartoon Art Museum... which happens to be located quite close to Beard Papa's Creme Puffs (though I hear one is opening soon here in Seattle). I also hope to cross a few things off of my 101 List while I'm down there, so that should be a good time.

I would be remiss, however, if I failed to mention that I am utterly stressed out about this trip because I have to fly.

I'm not scared of plane crashes or anything- I just hate the whole rush to get there, then wait, getting checked in, dealing with getting luggage into bins I can't reach using 1 working arm and 1 with no sensation and limited strength, sitting by strangers, and getting out of the airport. I'm terrified of not packing the right things, sitting next to a smelly or a chatty, missing my flight, or getting bumped.

Worst of all is the pitifully ineffective but incredibly inconvenient security. Inevitably I am searched. I must be on some list or perhaps I'm just traveling alone while looking vaguely ethnic-ish. I always get hand searched and my luggage always gets turned before it gets on the plane because when I arrive my stuff is always all mangled and occasionally missing.

The second I am out of the airport, luggage in hand, I will be zen- until the day before I have to return.

Sometimes you just need some Pygmy Hippo

I know I do.

Thought of the Day: Pig and Monkey Edition

1. Ways I could get rich:
-Old men have needs too... or so I hear.
-Slip and fall at Macy's, sue.
-Be prescribed allergy meds, grow third eye, sue.
-Fake own death for life insurance.
-Grave rob?
-Get knocked up by celebrity. Extort.
-Find buried treasure.
-Online adult film entrepreneur.
-Leprechaun.



2. Things that are similar to Christmas:
Paris Hilton in Jail.
Paris Hilton put back in jail.



3. Last night I sat down and sorted the 1.5 foot tall pile of comics that I need to catch up on and now I am EXHAUSTED and the floor of my tiny studio apartment is covered in piles of comics. That being said, some of my favorite comics are reaching their end and if I catch up soon I will have (almost) no books with pictures (GASP). Let me know if you have any snazzy recommendations.



4. My high school reunion is next year and I have done nothing with myself. Quick! Someone give me an idea on how to make myself impressive in 12 months or less!



5. Today irritating coworker was condescending to the point that she (literally) patted me on the head and called me "honey." I refrained from saying, "I'll cut you." But only just.



6. I'm trying to think of amusing stories to but on this here blog. You can make suggestions. That's always good. No pressure. Really. But you could.



7. I typed bacon monkey into Google Images and got the following. I consider this funny. You should consider yourself warned.

Funny things for boring people.

Hey, that video totally reminds me of that one time Drew tried to pick up a chick and she told him that she'd cut him. Hahahahahaha that was hilarious, right Drew? What, no?

Well, what about the time Drew text messaged Steve to ask about the relative seriousness of anal bleeding? Surely, that was hilarious!

Quiana is super-boring.

Above you will find Cthulhu Seagull.

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Some thoughts:

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I hate nice summery days because that means there will be no parking in my neighborhood. Thanks, stupid lake!

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I would like a Dr. Who cookie jar. I have been thinking about this a lot. A LOT. This is precisely why I need a bigger kitchen.

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I think when I move I want acutal decor. Like a real grown lady person, who just happens to own a Dr. Who cookie jar.

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I have a shower curtain which has a map of the world printed on it. What I need is a shower curtain with little flaps over the names of the countries so I can quiz myself. We can call it Potty Quiz. Hey everyone come to Quiana's, it's Potty Quiz Night! Hooray!

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I'm thinking of going to the Tri-Cities for Memorial Day weekend. Someone should talk me out of this.

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Ants have invaded my kitchen (via messy neighbor's kitchen) and cannot be gotten rid of. They are just wandering aimlessly across my floor. There is no food for them so they just do a few laps and wander off, but I am not down with things with more than four legs. This can be expressed with the following formula: >4 legs= inarticulate shoe flailing.

So tonight I will buy Raid and use toxic chemicals to obliterate their Alzheimer's-esque wanderings.

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I have a very important final interview at my Ballardian Fantasy potential workplace tomorrow. You should hope I don't say something weird, like nipples. On a non-nipular note, I only have one suit and have now interviewed there approximately 3 billion times, do you think that it is noticeable?

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Sorry about all the re-posting and forced spacing. Blogger is all jacked up again.

All for Naught

I am SO tempted to write 'all for naught-y' instead, but lately my idea of naughty involves labeling all of my archived posts to jack up my rss feed. (HA! Lazy rss users, take that!)

If you recall I was busy moping over my crazy neighbor, needing to move, needing a new job, and other trepidations.

Well, apparently the cops came by last Friday to speak with Crazy Neighbor and she promptly gave notice. She is moving out this month. Hoooooray!!

Additionally, the interview that I felt went very badly didn't go so badly after all and while they are not having me back for a second interview for that job they are having me back for a second interview for a perfectly good related position. So I'm mostly not a complete failure! Hooray!

So with two worries out of the way I can resume not-moping. I guess I am the kind of person who needs a certain number of elements in life to be ok. Once too many areas of my life are in the air or worse yet, sucking, I get uhm... wilty.

In honor of this momentous occasion I offer you Happy Bacon Cat!

Perhaps a bacon dispenser would improve my day.

I'm too busy moping to blog and blogging my mopes just results in cheerful email from concerned persons.

Instead I will post an amusing (to me) picture.

So, here it is: The Bacon Dispenser.

Time well wasted.

This is a window at USC. Check out their website for more pictures and info. I miss crazy schemes....

The closest I've been to crazy is when I made a chicken pot pie last night- without a recipe.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

No one's gloomy or complaining while the flatware's entertaining.

Today I typed the following into Google: "do rats need to live in pairs?"
I received some articles and the following suggestion:
"Did you mean: do rats need to live in Paris?"
Why, yes, yes I did. Sadly Google had very little to tell me in response to the titillating question.

In college I worked in the kitchens for a while and they used a brand of cling-wrap called Purity Wrap. This was hilarious at a women's college. Well, hilarious to me, as a boyfriended person.

After my frustrated blog-outburst this morning, I have since gotten a few more promising job calls and feel moderately better. Waffles and bacon. That's how I feel now.

Is there any word you can Google and not get anime images? Try waffle, raccoon, and oh say, bacon. I dare you.

Today a Japanese friend of mine who now lives in New York made some comment about American consumerist society, at which point I choked on my drink. From a denizen of the land of Prada bathroom slippers. The land where 'to go to Starbucks' has its own verb (Sutaabaru). Yea, she can blow me.

I was saving this for a special occasion, but I can't get it together today.

Darling, that bacon isn't ready yet.

Yes, kitty, it IS a good idea to sniff that!

Now this is cute.

Finally!

As promised, a hamster eating tiny adorable sushi.

I'll see you in hell, Redenbacher!

Bad-ass.

So I was cruising the OSHA website because Workplace is saying that my not coming into work due to work NOT HAVING ELECTRICITY is called "vacation." I am pretty certain this is illegal and I want to have evidence when I go to my union rep and raise hell.

My initial search brought the following record up: "Flavorings-Related Lung Disease." The flavorings from microwave popcorn gave factory workers a rare lung disease, now dubbed "popcorn lung."

Popcorn lung.
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Now, when checking the spelling of Redenbacher I came accross his wikipedia entry. For the dime tour, read on:

He earned a small fortune in fertilizer, but in his spare time, he indulged in an obsession he'd had since he was a child: developing the perfect popcorn. His wholesome image and folksy name confused many consumers, some even writing the company to ask if Mr. Redenbacher was a real person, and not an actor. He responded to this by appearing on various talk shows, professing his identity. (These were apparently really really exciting talk shows- maybe like Geraldo.)

On September 19, 1995, while in the whirlpool tub of his condominium in Coronado, CA, Redenbacher suffered a heart attack and drowned (wink wink nod nod- heart attack in the whilpool eh?). He was cremated and his ashes were scattered at sea. (Is this chicken, or fish? Neither it's Orville Redenbacher!)

My idea of a good time.

So I typed 'christmas livestock' into Google Images today and got:

Cooper, the Sadest Little Christmas Cow.

Crafty Daleks infiltrate Google.

If one types in "dr. who" in Google Images, only one Dr. Who related image comes up on the first page.
If one types in "exterminate" one gets 12 Dalek images. Hmmmmmm. Conspiracy.

In other Dr. news:
A lovely collection of Dr. Who Cookie Jars.

More google images

Yet again, I got nuthin to say.













This is a man with a cardboard waffle.

Now this is precisely why I don't go anywhere near urban nature paths...

Naked man arrested for concealed weapon
Sat Nov 4, 12:41 AM ET
EL CERRITO, Calif. - A man was arrested on suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon after police found him outdoors — naked — and he told them he had a tool in his rectum, authorities said.
The man was lying on a tree stump, masturbating beside a nature path, near a Bay Area Rapid Transit station Thursday, police said.
John Sheehan, 33, of Pittsburg, was initially arrested on suspicion of indecent exposure. But when asked whether he was carrying anything police should know about, Sheehan mentioned the tool, said El Cerrito Detective Cpl. Don Horgan.
"You can't get much more concealed than that," Horgan said.
Officers drew their weapons and firefighters were called to the scene. Sheehan removed a 6-inch metal awl wrapped in black electrical tape without incident.
Sheehan, who was paroled from state prison last week, was then booked into jail on suspicion of parole violations, indecent exposure and one felony count of possessing a concealed weapon."When you're talking about an awl or an ice pick and you're dealing with somebody who's fresh out of prison, it's a weapon. That's a stabbing instrument," Horgan said.
It was not immediately clear what Sheehan was on parole for. A person answering the phone at the jail Friday night did not know whether Sheehan had a lawyer.



Yes, this is a lady dressed as a brine shrimp and is no way related to persons who store tools in nature's pocket.
But you tell me which you'd rather see.