Our plans are coming to fruition, Chairman Meow

Have you seen this craziness yet?
Cats That Look Like Hilter

I am extremely amused by this site.
Particularly amusing portion from the FAQ:

I think I may have a Kitler. My cat has a 'tache, and he keeps on annexing my next door neighbour's garden while making a noise that sounds suspiciously like "Lebensraum". How do I put him on the website?

Other thoughts:

-Hitler would probably not enjoy this ridicule.

-Your cats are plotting against you while you sleep.

Yes, kitty, it IS a good idea to sniff that!

Now this is cute.

Cat Anus Conspiracy

See! Cat Butt Magnets.

Cat Anuses & The Lies Men Tell

Two early morning thoughts:

1. Why have we not bred cats with butt cheeks? When petting a cat, it will always make sure to place its anus directly in your face. When wearing a beige sweater, it will place its anus on your sweater. Cats like you to view their anuses the way Britney Spears likes you to view her hooha.

2. With a universe of lies to tell, men almost always pick the crappy ones. This is why we need a female president. Example of a terrible lie, this t-shirt:















Nobody with a penis liked The Notebook. Penises and The Notebook are utterly incompatible- it is simply not scientifically possible. In fact 9 out of 10 chimpanzees who were forced to watch The Notebook ripped off their own penises just to have something better to do with their time. The 10th chimpanzee was female and cried silently wishing that a love story that beautiful could ever happen to her. Then she threw some poo and had a banana.

my sterile and pitiful life

Last night, whilst riding my bike to nowhere, I watched Jeopardy.
Seriously, I did.
And I rocked it.
Then I realized that I was watching Jeopardy.
I think I may have become a total shut-in. Thanks snowstorm!! Now all I need is a cat and a sweater with reindeer on it.

My world is tilting off its axis

Today instead of cleaning the bathrooms in the morning, the janitor is cleaning them now. I waited to go until I finished the important time-sensitive project I was working on and now I am extremely desperate. I drink a lot of water. A LOT of water. I HAVE TO PEE RIGHT NOW, Mr. Janitor Guy!
Thanks for hosing the side of my car off, but sweet zombie Jesus, I am dying!!!

This is a cat in a squid hat. As before, picture of pee or random picture via Google Images: not a tough choice.
























Warning: real squid are terrifying and you should fear them and also jellyfish. I saw a squid totally fuck someone up on the Discovery Channel once. Yeep!

Let me explain cute.

Dear email forwarding middle-aged ladies at work,
Let me assist you with something.

This is cute:





















This is unsanitary:















Please don't send me pictures of animals licking objects that people plan to put in their orifices.

Thanks!

Feed me, Seymour!

Today as I was compiling data and making redundant graphs, I realized that I had left a loaf of artisan bread on the counter.
Normally this would not induce me to leap from my chair and rush to my car, however, I am still pet-sitting and I swear to God, that cat has an eating disorder.
Last night it sneakily jumped onto the counter to lick the dirty silverware in the sink. There it promptly slipped on the edge of the sink and got dunked in dirty dishwater.
Oh ho! I laughed.
Ten minutes later, there he is again. So I walk over casually, grab the sprayer faucet and hose the little bastard.
Now that was a surprised kitty.
A few days ago he even was tearing into the bread I had just brought in from the car before I could let the dog in. He spends the majority of every evening pounding on the pantry door and raowering for food.
All I could picture as I rushed home was his fuzzy fat kitty corpse all burst with olive rosemary bread like the fat guy in SE7EN.