Oh the humanity!!

Now Nature is attacking our children and animatronic 3 Dog Night singing animals. Headline:
Deer Crashes Through Chuck E. Cheese

The human response to Nature's repeated attacks: sexual harassment. Headline: Confiscated monkey sent sexually explicit audio tapes
Worthwhile quotes:
“(Darwin) [the monkey, not the scientist] is very dangerous,” said Amy Early, one of the Plano Animal Services Officers who transported Darwin. “(Rhesus Macaque Monkeys) will go straight for your face and tear into you. They have the strength of six men and inch-and-a-half incisors [sic].”
I know that I for one require a man with the strength of at least 5 men, so this is not totally out of line.

In other news: Fat Thai Panda, like many women, is totally not turned on by porn. This is the same panda that was formerly too fat to mate. Well if it's not one thing it's another. If you're into panda porn, here's the link, you dirty pervert. Maybe you can send it a sexually explicit audio tape. Freak.

Pan's Labyrinth

This weekend my cousin Melanie, Kim, and I went to see Pan's Labyrinth. It was a lovely and compelling film. It was sad, beautiful, simple, and incredibly evocative.
I can't think of anything bad to say about the movie other than I spent a good deal of the time squeaking and peaking from behind my scarf. And even that isn't really bad.

5 out of 5 monkeys.

In other movie news I'm thinking of changing my rating system from number of monkeys to hated, didn't like, liked, loved. I wonder how I can express this in monkey related terms.

The Right to Bear Monkeys.

Here is a Business Week Article about legislation to restrict private primate ownership.

Your tax dollars at work.

And a direct quote from the article, "Taking a libertarian view, Joseph Kirkland doesn't think he should be punished for the perceived mistakes of other monkey owners. An National Rifle Association member, he channels that group's resentment toward people who want to legislate his life. "Just like my gun," he says, "They're going to have to pry my monkey from my cold, dead hand."

Now, Mr. Kirkland, this is a family blog. Let's not talk about what you do with your monkey in your spare time.

And what does PETA have to say? Who cares? They are crazy terrorist assholes who think that having a pet dog is animal cruelty.

FINE. They say the following:

"Lisa Wathne, a PETA "captive exotic animal specialist" calls buying pet monkeys a "slave trade." The monkey owners keep their pets "mostly as an ego boost" and should release them to accredited sanctuaries. Many monkeys, she continues, "would be better off dead" -- euthanized -- than in private homes. "

I love it when they compare pet ownership to the slave trade. I like it a bit better when they compare it Auschwitz and the Native American Genocide.

Go to hell PETA.

(Original BW article brought to my attention by mimi smartypants.)

Chimps, still bastards but with excellent taste in snacks

According to the AP a chimp escaped from its enclosure at the Little Rock Zoo and reportedly cleaned the toilet, washed and then broke into the fridge containing "chimp snacks" (baby monkeys? So tender and delicious...) and drank out of every one's sodas before being tranquilized on top of the fridge. She passed out grasping a loaf of Cinnamon-raisin bread.

I too enjoy a tidy toilet and Cinnamon-raisin bread. But Judy, mind your carbs, sweet heart.

Cat Anuses & The Lies Men Tell

Two early morning thoughts:

1. Why have we not bred cats with butt cheeks? When petting a cat, it will always make sure to place its anus directly in your face. When wearing a beige sweater, it will place its anus on your sweater. Cats like you to view their anuses the way Britney Spears likes you to view her hooha.

2. With a universe of lies to tell, men almost always pick the crappy ones. This is why we need a female president. Example of a terrible lie, this t-shirt:















Nobody with a penis liked The Notebook. Penises and The Notebook are utterly incompatible- it is simply not scientifically possible. In fact 9 out of 10 chimpanzees who were forced to watch The Notebook ripped off their own penises just to have something better to do with their time. The 10th chimpanzee was female and cried silently wishing that a love story that beautiful could ever happen to her. Then she threw some poo and had a banana.

No, really, I'm just happy to see you.

Police: Men smuggled monkeys in pants; also leopard cubs, orchids, birds of paradise

By Lisa Sweetingham, Court TV Tue Sep 19, 5:42 PM ET

LOS ANGELES (Court TV) - When the rare birds of paradise escaped from his suitcase and flew over the heads of U.S. Customs Agents at Los Angeles International Airport, Robert Cusack decided it was best to confess that, yes, he did have more to declare.

"I have monkeys in my pants," Cusack told the agents.

Cusack, 49, had just gotten off a plane from Thailand and was immediately taken into custody.

Two endangered slow loris pygmy monkeys were rescued from Cusack's underwear.

For attempting to smuggle four birds of paradise, two lorises and 50 rare orchids into the United States on June 13, 2002, Cusack served five and a half months in prison and paid $1,200 in fines.

But Cusack wasn't alone.

His traveling companion, Chris Edward Mulloy, allegedly sneaked two newborn Asian leopard cats past the customs agents.

Authorities believe Mulloy, 45, hid the felines in hand-carried luggage, checked into a nearby hotel, and called his sister Darlah Kaye Mulloy to ask for her help in getting rid of the contraband cats.

On Monday, Chris Mulloy was arrested by federal authorities in Palm Springs on four counts of illegally importing wildlife, receiving, concealing and transporting wildlife, and making false statements to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service.

He will be arraigned next week and faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted of all charges.

Darlah Mulloy, 48, has not been arrested, but was named along with her brother in a February grand jury indictment on two counts of illegally receiving, concealing, and transporting wildlife, and attempting to obstruct justice and tamper with a witness.

Authorities said they were aided by a tipster in their four-year investigation.

A spokesman from the U.S. Attorney's off ice, Thom Mrozek, says Darlah Mulloy's son gave one of the leopards to a former girlfriend, who lives in Foothill Ranch, Orange County.

"She still has it. It's kind of skittish. She's been caring for it for three years now so we don't want to disturb it more than necessary," Mrozek said, adding that they are currently searching for a suitable - and legal - home for the wildcat.

The other leopard cat journeyed from Mulloy's luggage to a friend who was unable to care for it, and ultimately on to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service in Texas, where Mrozek says it is being cared for by a wildlife facility.

The lorises, Mrozek says, found a home at the Los Angeles County Zoo. But the four birds of paradise all died.

"That is a not uncommon result of wildlife smuggling," Mrozek said. "These animals die all the time because of the stress of being stuffed into a box and smuggled in. The birds, I think it was the stress of the very long travel and who knows what kind of shape they were in."

While Cusack's monkey-in-pants method might seem bizarre, it's not so far-fetched.

"We had a guy who did it with snakes about eight or nine years ago coming in from Mexico," Mrozek says. "You name it, it's been done."

Smuggling rare animals and plants into the country undermines conservation efforts, and the potential economic and ecological consequences can be devastating, Mrozek says.

"In some cases, we're talking about animals that potentially carry diseases like avian flu," Mrozek says. "We did a case a number of years ago in which animals were affected with Exotic Newcastle disease - and that can wipe out an entire industry."

They've also confiscated snakeheads - a type of top-predator fish that can live for short periods on land.

"They will eat everything, so they will decimate the ecology of any body of water they're in," Mrozek says. "There are all kinds of potentially extraordinary problems we face with wildlife smuggling."

Honestly, I am just frustrated that the headline implied that ALL of the animals were in his pants at once and they weren't.

And as for those "slow" loris monkeys, I can't help but feel those little guys were moving pretty fast.

Incidentally, I heard this story on Wait, Wait... Don't Tell Me and in order to find the text I typed the following into Google: "monkeys in my pants news" I might add that when I typed "monkeys in my pants" I did NOT find the news article.

Final thought: How the hell did I miss this when it happened?

Best Cartoon Ever.

Hands down.
Captain Simian and the Space Monkeys