That which I have feared has come to pass

Everything about this article is absolutely terrifying.
Some excerpts (which made me wet myself):

Entomologists are debating the origin and rarity of a sprawling spider web that blankets several trees, shrubs and the ground along a 200-yard stretch of trail in a North Texas park.

"Now it [the massive web is] filled with so many mosquitoes that it's turned a little brown. There are times you can literally hear the screech of millions of mosquitoes caught in those webs."

Spider experts say the web may have been constructed by social cobweb spiders, which work together...

"I've been hearing from entomologists from Ohio, Kansas, British Columbia — all over the place..."

These spiders are organizing and creating webs that are clearly large enough to catch Quianas and they have been documented in our Canadian backyard. Nature is poised to attack and we are totally screwed.

I can never visit my parents in BC again. Sorry Mom! I will really miss you after the spiders get you!



Here is another pic with people in it for perspective.

More little hippo action!

Via CBS

More noooooooooze.

Sorry, Mr. President, You're All Out of Troops
The President's shortsighted military strategy and the options with which we are presented.
This actually reminds me of when I took my 12 year old cousin Sean to the movies and they showed a commercial for the reserves and afterwards Sean said, "Why didn't they show anyone in the desert?"
"Because they're hoping you wouldn't notice."
"Why?"
"Because they're running out of soldiers."
"Well that sucks."
"Indeed."


With Friends Like Mitt you might want to get a dog.
Actual alternate title from the RSS feed:
Mitt Romney shivs his pal Larry Craig.
Damn you Slate! Alternate titles are my thing! Get your own thing!
-Anyway- Mitt Romney turned on his former campaign chairman in 5 minutes!
Wow Mitt, you're a bad friend in addition to a bad person. I think that's an extra 5 points.

Both stories via Slate.

In other news, I'm pretty sure that this is from the secret squirrel terrorist training camp.

Additionally, a spider was trying to hide in my laundry this morning. (And where is my laundry bag? Next to my shower. This spiders-are-perverts theory is looking fact-ier every day.)

Will someone now add 'laundry bag' to the list of things that I'm scared of please? Thanks.

Google is a cruel mistress

Things people Googled YESTERDAY to find SUC:

'seattle ravenna larp'
and
'knife sewed in stuffed monkey'

You people are starting to worry me. A lot.

My car has a window!

Well, I guess it has the standard number of windows now. Hooray standard!

Now raccoons will not hide in my backseat! Hooray not getting The Rabies!

And the fine folks at Alderwood Auto Glass were very nice and speedy and even removed the duct tape residue from my car!

Yay Alderwood Auto Glass! Now all I need to do is write a nasty letter to my insurance company and then switch companies!

Thought of the Day: Things that I worry about.

1. Last night I had some anxiety that something (read Nature) would climb into my car. Perhaps another vicious squirrel assassin. I am sure this is exactly the sort of opening Nature has been looking for.

2. Last night I became extremely angry when my adjuster called and left me a voicemail mentioning that she thought it was a bonehead idea to leave my unsecured vehicle on the street and couldn't I just have that glass fixed.
So I left her an angry message. I didn't say 'no shit, Sherlock," but I wanted to. I did casually mentioned that I called 5 places unsuccessfully trying to get my glass fixed yesterday and since my agent was clueless I was kind of screwed on that whole immediate assistance issue.
Now I feel bad because I have had to leave a few feisty messages with people and I am not big on losing my temper. But, I lost my temper, and the end result: tears. As always. Additionally, now I feel like a jerk.

3. Of course I called one last auto glass place on my Grandma's suggestion (after I snapped at her) and left them a message, so my car will be fixed today. Thus semi-alleviating my fears, but continuing my belief that I'm a grandma-snapping at-ing, mean voice-mail leaving jerk.

4. In other news I had a little argument about this Michael Vick business with my Grandma the day before as well. Essentially my comment was that he should go to jail, but if Leonard Little can drunkenly kill a human being and still play for the NFL then Michael Vick should be allowed back in spite of public opinion.
Grandma essentially just feels strongly about dogs and wants him to suffer. Which is fine. I even believe that (brace yourself for an uncool opinion) God asked us to be the stewards of this planet- so fighting dogs to the death is a pretty gross way to exercise our power.
I am also all for Vick doing a huge amount of jail time, but if the NFL wants to ban players based upon criminal records, there needs to be some parity. According to USA Today, 13 players in the 2000 Super Bowl had criminal records. If the NFL starts booting criminals, what is a boot-able offense? I whole-heartedly support all sports leagues making rules about criminal behavior; after all, these are explicitly role models.
Furthermore, I like dogs a lot, but I wish I could harness all of the public anger about this dog-fighting and turn it towards helping people or getting our civil liberties back.

freak display of nature

No, not me, this.
Nifty article on a strange aquatic phenomenon.

I hope you are enjoying my free pen...

This morning I arrived to find my car's trunk open and the rear driver side window smashed. My emergency kit and car stuff bins were both dumped into my trunk and sorted through. They even opened the donut shaped tin which holds my medical tape. Now I know where all of the 10 year old family sedan driving over-cautious drug addicts hide their emergency bumps. My glove-box contents were liberally scattered around the front seat with no regard for the integrity of my map of British Columbia. Glass was everywhere.















The thieves made off with a Sea-Tac Hilton pen, a broken tape adapter, and a mostly working iPod charger- 0$, 3$, and 20$ (when they were all working, estimated current value- 10$, 0$, and 0$). Things not stolen: 150$ hiking boots. Presumably these wouldn't fit the thief because he must have been the god damned Incredible Hulk in order to lift the HUGE cinder block used to smoosh my window. The picture does not do this block justice. Trust me I tried to lift it and it was VERY heavy.















While I applaud the thieves on two fronts-
1. Brute strength
2. Breaking the rear window instead of the front-
These guys are clearly amateurs as they picked a 1996 Mercury Sable to bust into looking for valuables. Dude, if someone owns a 1996 Mercury Sable they don't own any valuables. For crying out loud, it doesn't even have a CD player.
Furthermore I was able to jimmy my own door open in less than a minute using a coat hanger when I locked my keys in my car. A pro could have had my door open in seconds.

Beside the fact that they wasted my time and STOLE MY FAVORITE PEN, I'm not too upset. Sure it sucks, but I have a low deductible. The part that I'm really upset with- other than the pen- is that now I'm driving around in a car with a garbage bag duct taped to it. I promised myself that I'd never drive another beater with duct tape and here I am until Thursday morning.

At least if anyone wants to get into my car tonight they can just rip open the bag.

If anyone sees a guy taking notes with a silver Hilton pen whilst listening to his slowly charging iPod through only his right hand speakers make a citizen's arrest. I want my pen back.

Dorky TV for dorks.

Wednesday 9pm on Discovery Channel

MythBusters
Superhero Hour
TV-PG
You're not seeing things. As uncomfortable as it is, it's true. The Mythbusters are wearing their underpants on the outside. And why? Because this episode is the Superhero Hour --- the Marvel comic maestros are put under the MythBusters microscope.

Nice try, Nature.

The day after I left my friend Lynn's house after two weeks of dog-sitting Lynn noticed little kitty prints in the ash of the fireplace in their formal living room. Thinking nothing of it, Lynn was ironing in her bedroom when there came a rustling noise from within the closet. Lynn glanced over and noticed that both cats and the dog were within her view.
Lynn grabbed her pets and ran for it and after telling her husband that there is something in the closet, she promptly locked herself and her pets in her office.
Michael went upstairs and looked into the closet, seeing nothing. "Lynn," he called, " there is nothing in here."
"Page through the clothes, or I won't come out!"
So he did, and there in the closet, mere hours after I had left, was a squirrel. A ninja stealth assassin squirrel, one day late.
Michael donned heavy gloves and a broom and chased the squirrel down the stairs. Completely ignoring the open doors my furry nemesis ran straight up the chimney. The very chimney where he was no doubt holed up for two weeks, biding his time, watching me and preparing to attack when I least expected it- probably in the shower. (This seems to be a good lurking spot for Nature.)

Sorry about those rights and stuff....

I didn't think that this was going to happen:
Alberto Gonzalez Resigns
"Even my worst days as attorney general have been better than my [migrant worker] father's best days," Gonzales said.
This is because poor people live lives no better than dogs. True story. And certainly value money over personal integrity and hard work.
I'm sure Gonzales' father would be proud. After all, he fled his homeland and worked his fingers to the bone so that Gonzales could dismantle the constitution and lie to the people of America.

So, you say you want more jumbled posts?

Rock on.

1. Lolita's Closet, via Slate.
One woman's search to find appropriate clothes for her teen daughter.
Alternative title: why Quiana must, must, must remember to take the pill every day.

2. Newsarama makes my day with all-Ryan Reynolds- all-the-time.
Ryan Reynolds (RAAAAWWWWWR) on Deadpool and rumors of his potential appearance in the upcoming JLA movie. (Which will probably suck. Since Christian Bale (RAAAAWWWWWR) won't appear in it. Curse you and your artistic interest in only being in ridiculously awesome movies, Christian!) (Yes, Steve, we'll still go to see JLA- after all we went to Episode 3 and FF2. Because we are nerds. And morons.)

3. Yo Joe! G.I. Joe heads to the big screen in 2009.
Self-explanatory title there, but I'm not sure how they are going to pull this off. I mean, aren't there plenty of real war movies? Good ones too.
In fact I LOVE war movies (no idea why) but I just can't see giving someone 10 bucks to watch Cobra Commander.

4. There was a god damned spider in my god damned shower this morning.
WHY? I need answers, people. Why are they always lurking in the shower? There I was standing on the edge of my tub swatting at it with a random shoe. Might I add it was so big that after wapping it repeatedly it fell into the tub and WOULDN'T GO DOWN THE DRAIN. It was that big.
Is my apartment the movie set for some kind of 50's nuclear hysteria monster movie? And if this is indeed the case, where is my wavy haired reporter or army guy? Shouldn't he be killing my spider after successfully catching me mid-swoon?

Shhhhhh don't be nervous...

but we've received about 20 hits from people searching Google for "Hollywood erotic boutique Seattle"

Now far be it from me to judge, but seriously, why are you shopping at Hollywood Erotic Boutique? Try Toys in Babeland. Or even Castle.
The only reason I could think of for shopping at the Hollywood Erotic Boutique is to support local business; which I am all for- but come on! BLECH!

Ok SUCkers, don't look now, but there be as many as 20 perverts of the slinking-into-third-rate-Lake-City-porn-shop variety in here! Meep!

For my encounter with the HEB click here.

Learning a lesson from lemurs

Ringtails participate in "stink fights," by waving their tails about after brushing them across scent glands on their wrists. Whoever is more odorous is the winner. Disputes over rank can be settled this way too, and rarely are there violent fights.

Now all we need are scent glands. Thanks National Geographic, you're a life saver- literally!

In other news, I think I will start referring to all bickering as 'stink fighting.'

Perhaps they could use a little fluoride too?

Here is my subscription renewal notice for the magazine Mental Floss.

Holy cow! I can 'save 0 dollars?!' WOW! I see that I can "get a second year for only 0 more, saving you a total of 0 off the newsstand price...."

Perhaps I should make this an ongoing series 'You've got Stupid-Mail!'

Random assortment of what-not.

Monkey Girl shares my distaste for kitty-mouth.


H&M is opening a store at the University Village. Hooray for cheap trendy clothes that will fall apart after the 4th washing!


Most disappointingly misleading headline: T-rex versus Beckham? Sorry David, you're lunch
If you actually want to read about new dinosaur theory (to be followed by alternate theory this time next year)*click the link. What? You're not clicking?
*This actually reminds me of the iPod. You get a new one and by the next year it is obsolete.



Japan, still a total dick. Japan omits China, asks Asian Democracies to unite
I don't want to be cheeky, but seriously, can you have a Asian Union without them? They basically are Asia. Furthermore, what? You're not inviting Russia, but you are inviting India?
"By Japan and India coming together in this way, this 'broader Asia' will evolve into an immense network spanning the entirety of the Pacific Ocean, incorporating the United States of America and Australia."
Oh, and the US and Australia. As 7th grade Quiana would say, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO buuuuuuuuuuurn!"
While Abe has improved ties with China, which had frayed under his predecessor, he has also stressed the need to forge closer links with democracies in what analysts have said was a tacit criticism of Beijing.
You think?


Russian woman sets fire to ex-husband's penis.
A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said on Wednesday.
Let this be a lesson to you men-folk, sometimes we just get tired of seeing your junk. This is like leaving the Christmas tree out all year, so don't get mad if we're not excited on Christmas morning.

And now for my final news item of the day, saving the best for last:
Murray refuses breath test in Sweeden
Actual text from the article: It isn't illegal to drive a golf cart in city traffic in Sweden, but Holmlund said it is very unusual.
I wonder if he tried to order some flapjacks. Or maybe some Swedish pancakes.
"Too early for flapjacks?"

Good news!

The sky did not fall.

I did not turn into Tony Shalhoub, as I had initially feared.

In fact, all is well. It turned out that pie, Monday night TV, and knitting were the only things needed to perk me right up.

Now I can go straight back to my normal irrational fears of raccoons, squirrels, things with more than four legs, men wearing striped shirts and spiked hair who talk to me in bars, the government and its frustrating ineptitude, and becoming my mother.

And now for your viewing pleasure:
a highly sedated lemur

Foreboding

I have been just smothered in foreboding today. It is the sort of thing I associate with girlishness; perhaps because my mother is often struck with these sorts of feelings of clairvoyance that cause her to say such things as, "Oh I think I'd better drive down to wait while you have surgery because I have this very strong sense of foreboding about this...." As though a comment like this is supposed to make me feel -better-.

No, I don't think that I'm psychic, but my response to this feeling will still be to cower at home in bed with my stuffed bunny, Mr Bunnykins, and watch TV while eating tasty pie and waiting for the sky to fall.

On a related note, I am publishing an unauthorized reproduction of my convo about this subject with Paul (Paul italics, and I am bold, in general, but in this case in font as well) from this a.m. So read it ASAP in case Paul demands I take down this inflammatory and speculative hogwash.

I am feeling this deep sense of foreboding. Very nervous and frantic feeling. Is this silly?

Is this just a general sense of foreboding or is it over something specific? Personally I have been quite weirded out over a series of occurrences, so if you wanted to tell me that the fabric of space and time is collapsing around me... I would still think you were being silly but I would be placing an order of large container of Reality Glue. What kind of container would Reality Glue come in? My first thought was one of those paste jugs form kindergarten.

Foreboding of the variety that is not allowing me to make decisions, such as what kind of planner do I want or whether to go to Superbad tonight.

I would like reality to be kept in a very large rubber cement bottle. The kind with the brush. Reality bottles would be cumbersome and hard to open. I can picture some form of hijinx ensuing simply from trying to open a crusty old reality bottle. The smell of reality would also give me a headache.

Sorry to hear about the general foreboding. I find the general foreboding much more annoying than specific. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. But in your case you would probably see that as a good thing, as long as it was in your size and "cute".

A link dump?

Just what you always wanted!


World's Costliest Ham Triggers Pork Envy
Amusing and Irritating excerpts:
Likening it to a Mount Olympus of pork.

"This is the best ham in the world because it comes from the best pig in the world," [That's some pig!]

Maldonado has yet to set a price for customers who buy the 13-pound hams directly from him, but the food site Ibergour.com has a dozen for sale at $2,100 each, and is accepting $250 deposits.
Is it ridiculous to pay that for a piece of pig? [WTF. YES. And this is coming from me.]

"It is the most important ham in Spain," adds Pedro Soley.

Democrats just noticed missing testes.
Via Slate's Today's Papers.
The NYT lead says Congress accidentally gave President George Bush the power to conduct warrantless searches and seizures when it passed a wiretapping bill earlier this month. Democrats are embarrassed they voted without understanding language that would allow—among other things—some physical searches, and the collection of business records, without a court order.

Alternate titles:
Plot from Arrested Development Ominously True in Congress

Congress: 'Rights must be around here somewhere.'

To Congress: 'Have you tried looking under the couch?'



Slate's Article on The Poetry of Guantanamo
In "To My Father," by Abdullah Thani Faris Al Anazi, the poet writes:
O Father, this is a prison of injustice.
Its iniquity makes the mountains weep.
I have committed no crime and am guilty of no offense.
Curved claws have I,
But I have been sold like a fattened sheep.

Things you may have to pry out of my cold dead hands

No, not cannoli (because only Rialto at Green Lake serves a reasonable cannolo in Seattle).

Nope, it's a gun, seriously.

Really.

I went to bed thinking guns should not be around (and yes, I admit, I did grow up with guns) and woke up thinking that maybe keeping Americans armed would be a nice way to deal with our inept, but ever scarier government.

Is Pooky growing up? Or is this a mere adult culmination of the fear of the government that was seeded in my little piggy-tailed head by E.T., D.A.R.Y.L, Real Genius, War Games, Flight of the Navigator, The Secret of NIMH, Terminator, and the Alien series?

Hard to say, but as Democrats get harder for me to respect, Republicans (real ones- not money spending, government power-increasing Bushites) are getting more attractive. Is this some sort of disillusionment beer-goggle?

Probably.

But don't worry, I haven't gone this far yet. Rudy Giuliani can still kiss my shiny metal ass. He should be used to kissing women's asses by this point. (Zing!)