Toilet Spider, WTF?!

Today at the Workplace WC, I turned to flush the toilet in my usual stall, and a SPIDER crawled out of the tiny gap in between the wall and the toilet and, given that spiders are pervs, undoubtedly took a picture with his tiny spider iPhone to send along to all the other spiders in the building or post on some sort of creepy spider file share of ladies' bottom pix.

Really, Spider, the toilet? You looked around and said, yep, this is where I want to live, in the toilet? Spider, you are all kinds of screwed up.

Later, I (because I'm an idiot) had forgotten about Toilet Spider (how did I forget, you ask? please see earlier parenthetical note) and when I went to flush, there was Toilet Spider, totally dead. His crunchy little spider corpse floating in a puddle of (I assume bleachy) water that sometimes leaks from the tank.

What did you see Toilet Spider? What horrible thing did you see that made you want to end it all? Please tell me it wasn't my bottom. Please tell me that it was just your time, but that you were happy to end your life on the positive note of my bottom.

Also let that be a warning to all other spiders; this bathroom is deadly. Nothing to see here. Move along.

GACK!

Spider Resurrections Take Scientists by Surprise.

Jibber, jib, gack. ERLK. And then I DIED of sheer horror. Thanks a lot, National Geographic.

Jim, please take note that the accepted ways to kill spiders include:
SQUISH.
SQUASH.
and
SMOOSH.

I find a Crank 2 promotional coaster in combination with pitiful whimpering and frightened leaping/ panicked flailing works fine for spider elimination.

Passive Aggressive Notes to My Roommate: Spider Edition

Dear Roommate,

I am not sure how you persuaded me to come into the bathroom with you to “check out this HUGE spider in the garbage can” (I assume voodoo), but I would like to ask you to STOP IT, because I am permanently traumatized.

That spider was so huge that in spite of the fact that I knew it would be there, I screamed anyway. You pulled like 4 Kleenex out of the box to kill that spider. I would have tried the elephant gun first. Ok, that is not true because I would have just screamed and ran away. Also I don’t have an elephant gun.

Every morning I make my bed even though I am blind, deaf, and dumb until after I’ve showered and eaten. And do you know why, dear roommate? It is not because I’m OCD and must control my environment; no, it is because then spiders cannot get into my bed and lie in wait for me.

That spider was so huge that it crawls into my bed, reads my comics, and watches HGTV in my bath robe, then makes the bed again and leaves. So huge that it probably squeezes into the sexiest of my unmentionables and prances around like a pony, taking sassy pictures of itself then posts them on craigslist, because spiders are filthy kinky bastards like that.

So, in conclusion, the next time you see a spider the size of a heifer, just kill it and don’t even tell me it was ever there.

Definitely do not follow me into the living room and tell me that you killed another one upstairs already.

XOXO,
q.

I think Texas is mess'n with me.

Immediately after I expressed the thought that it might be nice to go visit folks in Texas the whole 200 yard spider web of Quiana's doom appeared and now bats are over taking entire dormitories. Would it be too self-involved to wonder if perhaps all those bats actually flew in to Texas from other places specificly to wait for me and went into the dorm because they needed a place to check Facebook until I got there?
No?
Good.

According to the article regarding the dorm infestation:

Videos posted on the Internet show students swinging a broom and a tennis racket as several bats fly about in a dormitory hallway at Texas Southern University.

I guess none of these students read my blog, otherwise they would know that a broom is an effective weapon against bats- even allegedly dead ones.

Quote which makes me concerned:

Health officials asked students who had been in Lanier Hall East to meet with them this week to determine whether any would need rabies vaccinations.

Too bad you need a rabies shot within 72 hours of infection or else you die. Yea guys, take care of that rabies thing at your leisure; this will work out *great.*

That which I have feared has come to pass

Everything about this article is absolutely terrifying.
Some excerpts (which made me wet myself):

Entomologists are debating the origin and rarity of a sprawling spider web that blankets several trees, shrubs and the ground along a 200-yard stretch of trail in a North Texas park.

"Now it [the massive web is] filled with so many mosquitoes that it's turned a little brown. There are times you can literally hear the screech of millions of mosquitoes caught in those webs."

Spider experts say the web may have been constructed by social cobweb spiders, which work together...

"I've been hearing from entomologists from Ohio, Kansas, British Columbia — all over the place..."

These spiders are organizing and creating webs that are clearly large enough to catch Quianas and they have been documented in our Canadian backyard. Nature is poised to attack and we are totally screwed.

I can never visit my parents in BC again. Sorry Mom! I will really miss you after the spiders get you!



Here is another pic with people in it for perspective.

Spiders are total perverts.

Spiders just hang out in the shower. Are there more flies in the shower than the kitchen? Unlikely.
I think that the obvious conclusion is that spiders like to watch you bathe.
There you are all naked and wet, blinded by shampoo, and out of the corner of your eye you’ll catch that creepy crawly movement. So you search about you, but all you have is a million puffy sponges and a shampoo bottle. So you beat the spider to death with your shampoo. And then you're stuck. You can’t set the bottle back down without getting spider guts all over and there’s absolutely no way you’re washing it off in the shower and getting spider juice all over in the water swirling around your toes.
Disaster.