Curse you, The Eagles! Curse you to hell!!!!!

Dear The Eagles,

Let me just cut to the heart of the matter- are you stalking me? Because one of these nights I was listening to KZOK and they started playing Hotel California, and to be honest, I've been wanting space for a while, so I turned it to The Mountain, and there you were, enjoying another tequilla sunrise.

You guys are cool, and I know that we were tight back in the day, but I am just feeling a bit smothered. I wish I could believe that you will just take it easy, but you're got those lyin' eyes.

Maybe I listen to classic rock stations too frequently, so you aren't entirely to blame, but after I turned from The Mountain, 97.3 was playing the Boys of Summer and I think I have just had enough of you, Don Henley. You've really taken me to the limit of my tolerance for hearing your songs over and over again.

It has been a long time since we have shared an actual peaceful easy feeling and call me a witchy woman, but I think I need a new kid in town.

I know you may be feeling like a victim of love, but one of these nights, you'll realize that you simply weren't ready for life in the fast lane. I'm sorry if you're feeling a little heartache tonight, but hell will freeze over if this isn't the last worthless evening that I have to spend with you. I'm so sorry to air all of this dirty laundry on the internet, but I belong to the city, but you belong more along the rocky mountain way. What I'm trying to say is that all I want to do is dance, and I just can't dance to desperado.

I guess this is simply the end of innocence. Don't come looking for me, as I'm already gone.

Best of my love,

q.

Sweet Sweet Nelson Fan Club News Action

New band finds representation:

SCRAP METAL, a who’s who of multi-platinum lead singers and front men, include Kelly Keagy of NIGHT RANGER whose number one rock hits include “Sister Christian”, “Don’t Tell Me You Love Me”, and “You Can Still Rock In America”; Eric Martin of MR. BIG whose number one hits include “To Be With You” and “Just Take My Heart”; Gunnar Nelson and Matthew Nelson the twin sons of Rock’n’Roll Legend Ricky Nelson, of rock group NELSON whose pop/rock number one hits include “(Can’t Live Without Your) Love and Affection”, “After the Rain”, and “More Than Ever”; and Mark Slaughter of SLAUGHTER whose penned number one hits include “Up All Night Sleep All Day” and “Fly to the Angels”.

Don't judge me.

Notable News

Headline which inspired loathing:
Isaiah Washington: Fired & Bitter

Most irrelevant headline ever:
Journey's Steve Perry Thinks Sopranos Finale Hit Right Note
Also wins award for most ridiculous music pun ever.

Unluckiest headline today:
19th-century weapon found in whale
Whale learns that cheating death can only be accomplished for a century. (This will teach him to make metaphorical deals with the devil. And by devil, I mean robot devil. And by metaphorical, I mean get your coat.)

Saddest headline today:
TV's 'Mr. Wizard' Don Herbert dies at 89
Mr. Wizard was one of my all time favorite shows. I really loved science and Mr. Wizard nurtured that fascination. I am sorry to know he is gone.
I am also reminded of Mr. Wizard's counterpart, Mr. Lizard of Dinosaurs fame: "We're going to need another Timmy."

Pigs in the news!

70-Year-Old Ham Back on Display in N.C.
Entertaining Excerpt:
The Mecca Restaurant put the rock-hard country ham in its window Tuesday with a sign saying the 25-pound slab of meat would be displayed for only one day, "for security reasons." It was the ham's first appearance in a dozen years.

Is K-Fed behind mysterious bee disappearances?
In short, yes.
Fake Entertaining Excerpt:
The slime, which is expelled by K-Fed in order to locomote, is known to cause many other things, including pandas, manatees, and the careers pop stars to evaporate into thin air. His mating calls have been known to cause bleeding from the ears and the sudden urge to place one's head under the tires of moving vehicles.

Kids Tuned to 'Handy Manny' Get Porn
Entertaining Excerpt:
[Handy Manny,] the popular cartoon, which is about a bilingual handyman, Manny Garcia, and his talking tools.
Oh... I think I've seen that one. Hold on, is that description for the porn or the cartoon?
Entertaining Excerpt from Porn Handy Manny:
"Hola senoritas! Let me show you Jose, my jack hammer. No problema you can touch. Mui bien!"

News!

Captain America, Armed With Burrito, Arrested in FL
A Florida doctor, dressed up in a Captain America costume, was arrested at a bar for allegedly groping a woman.
Witnesses say Doctor Raymond Admacik approached the woman with a burrito in his pants, and made inappropriate comments.
Jill Fredrickson with the Melbourne Police Department says, "He approached her with a burrito...Everything else has been coming from witnesses that reporters have talked to with how he used the burrito."
She says when officers arrived at the scene they asked all the men in Captain America uniforms at the bar to take part in a line-up. That's when the woman pointed out her alleged harasser.
Fredrickson says after Dr. Admacik was taken to the police station, he tried to flush drugs down a toilet. An officer saw him do it, and stopped him.
Admacik faces battery, disorderly conduct and drug charges. He's been released on community supervision.

Mock metal group Spinal Tap to reunite
It goes to 11.

Ore. gov. starts week on food stamps
In fact, the Democratic governor couldn't afford much of anything during a trip to a Salem-area grocery store on Tuesday, where he had exactly $21 to buy a week's worth of food — the same amount that the state's average food stamp recipient spends weekly on groceries.
My food budget including eating out and groceries: $300 a month.

Quiana: Rock & Roll Detective

Recently I loaded some monster ballad action onto my iTunes at work and a coworker mentioned excitedly to me that she had seen Nelson live. Nelson!!! Nelson!

I LOVE Nelson. Growing up I had an unhealthy crush on Ricky Nelson, the father of Mathew and Gunnar (the actual band Nelson). This was mainly unhealthy in that I was 8 and Ricky, frozen forever at a beautiful 16 on TV, was by that time dead.

Never mind that.

My parents share a love of Genesis, Simply Red and Jazz records. My first music purchases were Guns N' Roses and Bon Jovi. My mother cried in the car on the way home.

The music I really loved was Whitesnake, Cinderella, Poison, and Ratt. Hearing about Nelson again after all this time made me wonder if they are still performing.

Well, yes they are. In fact I am a new subscriber to their official newsletter with concert dates etc. If anyone wants to join me for a Nelson concert, let me know.

Nelson fun fact: They inspired a cartoon show called Nelson: Rock & Roll Detectives.

Sneaky sneaky bastards

I was listening to very mellow Tracy Chapman and got up to get a pretzel. When I came back Pink Floyd was blaring from my computer. There were some... looks.
Sorry coworkers, you've been The Wall-ed.
You should totally fire me. Then I could realize my life's dream: Foreigner groupie.

Giggle Loop.

I am an inappropriate laugher. I laugh in horror movies during eviscerations. I laugh in church. I laugh when couples are arguing.
Now just imagine I am at my uncle's funeral. Imagine I am gazing serenely at the pastor, then my brows gently furrowing as the musical playlist begins.

Two Elvis spirituals.

The Beatles, Let it be.

and then... Eric Clapton's reggae inspired rendition of the Bob Dylon's Knockin' on Heaven's Door.

Ma, take this badge off of me.
I can't use it any more.
It's getting dark, too dark to see.
Feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door.
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door.
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door.
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door.

Ma, take these guns away from me.
I can't shoot them any more.
There's a long black cloud following me.
Feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Look at the ground!!!!! Look at the coffin!! Your uncle is dead! Do not look at David. Do not look at anyone.

And finally SNORT!

Lady of the Morning

This morning I came in a little under an hour early to actually get something done.
I was filling out tedious paperwork quietly singing along with the music when a ludicrously hot guy walked up to turn in paperwork.
I had been listening to Death Cab for Cutie and was a wee bit embarrassed out of nowhere it shuffled to





Styx....








Bu bu bu bu but, I was sparkling clear and lovely.

My, my, my, my, my- wooh!

Stolen From Terry:
The Knack Sue Run-DMC Over Sample 20 Years After Its Release
09.18.2006

One-hit wonders seek unspecified damages for use of 'signature' riff.
On Friday, attorneys representing the Knack's Doug Fieger and Berton Averre songwriters of the 1979 chart-topping hit "My Sharona" filed a copyright-infringem ent lawsuit in Los Angeles against the members of Run-DMC, claiming the rappers did not have permission to sample the song's core riff in one of their most recognizable tracks, "It's Tricky."

The filing which also names Rick Rubin (who produced the cut for 1986's Raising Hell), Arista Records, Rush Groove Music, Rush Communications, online music retailers Yahoo, Amazon, Napster, iTunes and others as defendants claims that Run-DMC engaged in the "unauthorized copying, reproduction and distribution of [the Knack's] musical composition and improperly [profiting from]" use of the sample, which the suit claims was "willfully, or with reckless disregard, unlawfully appropriated."

The document asserts that, because of Run-DMC's sampling of "My Sharona," Fieger and Averre have "suffered actual damages, including lost profits, lost opportunities, loss of goodwill, lost publicity, attorneys' fees and interest." The suit seeks unspecified damages and related legal fees, and characterizes the "signature" riff sampled in "It's Tricky" as "the essence" of the song.

In addition, the suit requests a permanent injunction barring the sale, reproduction, and commercial release of "It's Tricky," and suggests that Fieger or Averre's "percentage of ownership in ['It's Tricky']" be determined and factored into a declaratory judgment which should also consider what profits the pair are due from the sale of the Run-DMC song. "Our clients created a unique and distinctive musical composition in 'My Sharona,' " attorney Dick Schultz said. "Others shouldn't be allowed to profit from the unauthorized use of that creation. That is what copyright laws are for, and we are protecting our clients' rights in their creation."

"That [riff] is not only the essence of 'My Sharona,' it is one of the most recognizable sounds in rock and roll," said Fieger through his lawyers.

Despite the popularity of the riff, some may wonder why Fieger and Averre waited two decades to take action against the hip-hop icons. The lawsuit claims the pair never heard the DMC classic before 2005.

No date has been set for the first hearing in the action. Representatives for Run-DMC were unavailable for comment at press time.

That's right kids the riff in My Sharona is one of the most recognizable sounds in rock and roll.

Word.

The following appeared in my inbox this morning, courtesy of KEXP....

Good morning John,

In my never-ending quest to provide you with the information you need on the artists that

matter, today Ill answer the question, Who is Kevin Federline? As you may know, Federline is occasionally referred to as Mr. Britney Spears. Well, thats all about to change, bitch.

You see, Federline has been promoting his upcoming debut record, Playing With Fire and it sounds like were in for a treat. In a statement released through his publicist on Tuesday,

Federline, billed as "performer and rapper," says: "The inspiration and meaning behind the title is self explanatory, (because) my album is sure to set the dance floors across the world on fire!"

Wearing the ensemble that has become his signature look wifebeater, jeans, ponytail, bling Federline, says Ive been quiet for two years, he says. Now its my time to say, Hey, Im here, like it or not.

Federline says hes been a bedroom rapper for years and actually got into dancing through hip-hop. Still, when he first stepped into a studio he worked on rock and alternative music before going back to his first love. He says, I have other stuff I tried that actually sounds pretty good, alternative stuff, rock stuff, but I'm gonna go this route 'cause this is what I grew up with. This is what's in my blood. I don't know no different."

In fact, Federline says that sometimes, he just gets hit with the beat upside your head and it's like, 'Put me in the booth right now. I don't even need to write nothing down. Let's do it.' That's it for me. It's like a rush, man."

Federline has already released his first single via the Internet, "PopoZao," which is slang for "nice ass" in Portuguese. But he told MTV that his "favorite joint" is the track "Down South," a crunk tune with the opening lyric, "Put your middle fingers up if you really don't give a f---." "Pot Roastin'" is a "booty joint" with sexed-up lyrics over a simplistic beat that includes the line "Between the cheeks/ Turn your little girls from sweet to freaks." Others songs recall his troubled teenage years, including "Untold Stories," which samples a Journey track. "Using your life situations and talking about 'em, that's what hip-hop is," he says. "I'm just a real person, man. That's it."

Most of his songs, however, are straight-up club tracks. "I want to be able to go out there and dance," he explains. "I don't want to give that up. That's a big piece of my life. So in order to do that, I need to get everyone else out there to shake their ass."

Unfortunately, new-wave trailblazer and apparently, party pooper, Thomas Dolby is considering taking legal action against K-Fed for violating copyright law by using his 1983 hit, "She Blinded Me With Science in the future smash, "America's Most Hated." Dolby says he considered turning a blind eye to it before finding out the song had already aired on VH1. It's like what Vanilla Ice did with 'Ice Ice Baby' [illegally sampling Queen and David Bowie's 'Under Pressure'], although I think Vanilla Ice is a superstar compared to this guy," says Dolby. Interestingly, Federline refers to the paparazzi that follow him and Spears as "Pavarottis" in the song. Opinions vary as to whether this was intentional.

But just who is this misunderstood genius? Lets take a look.

He grew up in Fresno, California where he says, A lot of just crazy, crazy sh*t went down, so I had to get myself out of that situation. Dancing brought me out of it. Federline dropped out of high school to pursue his dancing career, and surpringly, has yet to complete his GED. He got his first breaks dancing backup for Pink and Justin Timberlake.

The relationship between Spears and Federline began with their meeting at a Hollywood club called Joseph's. Spears soon invited him on her European tour, The Onyx Hotel Tour, and she proposed to Federline on the plane ride back from the tour. On the night of September 18, 2004, two months after his second child was born to actress Shar Jackson, Federline and Spears engaged in a surprise wedding ceremony at a private home in Studio City, California. Although not legally binding, this "faux wedding" allowed the couple to finalize legal details of their marriage without the deadline of an upcoming ceremony. To celebrate their beautiful love, Spears gave Kevin a Ferrari 360 Spider that he repainted to read "Federline" instead of "Ferrari".

Federline and Spears have collaborated on a few tracks, but Federline is sitting on them for the same reason. "I think people need to get to know me a little bit more, and that way when we do something, people will respect it that much more," he said.

More good news - In fact, Federline's planning a promotional club tour, where he'll bring advance music for DJs to play so he can gauge fan reaction. "I'm excited about ... seeing the firsthand reaction of my fans listening to my songs for the first time," he says.

And hes already putting together his live show! "That's going to be the best part of my album is watching me perform it," he says. "I've seen so many stage performances and so many shows, the ideas I have for this tour are ridiculous. It's gonna be something totally different. You don't see rappers dancing, and I'm dancing for sure. And it ain't gonna be no poppy dancing. The people I got with me are a bunch of street cats who are ridiculous."

While we look forward to that, we can read into the K-Fed mind with the lyrics from
Americans Most Hated:

(Kevin Federline talking) Waitress, can I have another drink please? I'd like to formally introduce my self

Im the talk of the town

Thats the reason why they stare

4 karats in my ear

If you look see a glare

Im - one of a kind

With a wonderful rhyme

Im skatin off in a 'rari

You'll get left behind

My raps fully automatic like an AR

Droppin - nothin but heat me an JR

Im livin life in the fast lane

Then the cash came

Fire wont quit, still burnin like a gas flame

They watch me

So i duck and roll

Middle fingers still up sayin f*ck the globe

And my dawgs still down

We dont trust them hoes

I live life like a King

I was extra stoned

Kevin Federline -

I come tight with every rhyme

I built a kingdom down the street from pepperdine

This marijuana got me heavily sedated

Im Kevin Federline

America's most hated (what!)

(talking) Aww yea baby - JR mane, JR you there mane? Hey man, why dont you pass me that

bottle over there guy

Im on the frontline

Dodgin cameras like the one time

Cant even chill in this california sunshine

But its okay, i got somethin for ya

Im handin out ass kickins like diplomas

Who the first to get it?

Ya know K Feds wit it

All that sh*t rappers talk about, I already did it

Im committed - to the game

The fames why I hustle

Lyrical exercise, workin every muscle on the double

Chief and commanda

Hand ya

Ass to ya in a basket wrapped in plastic

Im looney

All these model chicks wanna do me

Tabloids tried to screw me

Magazines try to kill me

But im nasty

Too f*ckin slick and sly

So high

I could prolly drop a sh*t and fly

You gonna need a big army

If you comin for me

K. Federline - I hit like tsunamis

(talking) whoo - yea baby, that sh*t is fire right there, you know what im talkin about?

Lets get drunk to this one damn it. hoo, one more jack and coke bitch

Im bigga than you

Im sicka than you

Im here now

So they not gon pay attention to you

They listen to dude

I sizzle the booth

Im livin the truth

You f*ckas talk sh*t

Couldnt fit my shoes

I got my blue yankee fitted on

Watch to match

Little boys we can get it on

Watch your back

I got my name spreadin faster than crack

And thats just a fact

Sucked in Americas hate and now im passin it back

Uh

Who told this bastard that he cant rap

I got 50 mill.

I can do whatever I want

I dont need a deal

I can do whatever I want

I just keep it real

I can say whatever I want

Dont buy my sh*t

I bet your girl ridin to it

With her hair in the wind

And her mind on the new kid

The most anticipated

But still underated

Kevin Federline - Americas Most Hated (what!)

(talking) Ah - thank you baby. I got a tip for you after this too girl, we all gonna go

swimmin with women...dont forget your swim suit.

Word.

Journey- thirty years of sucking and counting

Hey Neal, nice to see you. Wait, who are these guys? Oh Journey? Really? What happened to those other guys? Oh that’s too bad. I almost didn’t see you slouching in the corner for the last 20 years. So, I hear you’re touring again- that’s great. Yea…. Are you bringing Steve Perry? Did he die? No, I mean I just assumed. No, but seriously, that’s great. That’s gonna totally rock. Yea that song, Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin- I still get goosebumps. We should totally get together sometime. You coming to Seattle? No? Oh, that’s too bad. Well maybe you can swing by my place, maybe when I’m really drunk. I mean Billy Joel and Chicago might be there, but, you know, there’s always room for you. Uhmhum. Well you too sweetheart.

Oooooo is that Loverboy?

the Canadian-American 'freindship' must be stopped

No, really. My fellow Americans, how can we be friends with the people who foisted Carrot Top, Celine Dion, Sarah McLaughlin, and Bryan Adams on us? Did you ever really love a woman? Jesus! Come on you guys, their mascot is the beaver!!

We had a Canadian-American Friendship Celebration last Sunday, wherein they closed the main border crossing North of Seattle for 5 hours. I sat for well over an hour at my super secret commercial truck crossing entrance trying to get back from visiting my mother (that traitor!) in Vancouver.Apparently this whole closed border thing was all over the American news, but was it on the news in Canada? No, because some lady in Ontario survived a bear attack. Screw that, you know what's a successful day? When you don't get attacked by a bear. In fact, I have had thousands of bear-free days in succession-- put me on the news, damn it! Did they put the announcement up on the BORDER CROSSING INFORMATION BOARD in advance so that people entering Canada would know that they would be helplessly trapped, forced to listen to Bachman Turner Overdrive, Avril Levine, Bare Naked Ladies, Sum 41, and Celine Dion for an HOUR while trapped behind a convincing look alike of the EXTREME!!!!! truck from Harold and Kumar?? Did a helpful Canadian news anchor remind me to keep at least $1.25 in Canadian cash so that I could buy ice cream while waiting in line?? No!!! I guess the ice cream guys new the border was going to be closed; maybe they were watching the AMERICAN NEWS!

And as for you, Canada, let's just chat about our friendship. What have you done for US lately?

Let me go first, we give you:
-our popular culture
-the ability to have no military force
-someone to foist blame on
-a reason to wear tiny red leaves on everything to show everyone that you are just like Americans, but leafier.
-places to send your refugee doctors (those who would like to repay their student loans)
-the ability to crow about having better hockey players
-one military victory

You give us:
-Ryan Reynolds (now available in the US)
-maple syrup (available in the US)
-t-shirts with beavers on them (also available in the US)
-a place to flee to when drafted (available in Brazil)

Canada, with a friend like you, who needs an enemy? We're just gonna go hang out with Israel and Syria. They're our real friends.